NES Classics - Monster Party

This is a real nightmare machine right here. In the video above you can see the first level. It starts off real nice and cute and them -BAM! as soon as you hit mid way the shit literally hits the fan. Those smiling faces are now oozing blood, corpses have rotted and legs with no fucking bodies are dancing from out of the floor. Playing this shit as a kid this freaked the hell out of me. Listen to that music thats begins playing... it sounds like something Freddy Kreuger would have in his iPod. 

The game basically consisted of the little kid with a bat (who is kidnapped by a demon to fight monsters because he owns a baseball bat) walking into rooms to fight random bosses. These bosses could be anything from giant fish, onion rings, dancing zombies (who are only defeated by watching their full dance), to the guy you see above saying, "Sorry, I'm dead."

"Sorry, I'm dead." That is the GREATEST excuse I have ever heard in my life. When my teacher would call on me to do a match problem I would keep my head down on my desk and reply, "Sorry, I'm Dead". When I die on my tombstone it is going to read, "Sorry, I'm dead." I am very serious about that too... if something happens to me and you have read this PLEASE make that happen for me. What a polite boss that is. He could just say, "I'm Dead." but he even apologizes for in fact being dead. "I really wish we could have had this boss fight... but I died."

"Sorry, I'm Dead."

NES Classics - Bible Adventures

NES Classics - Bible Adventures

Oh shit.... a game based on religion so bad it would have turned Jesus H. Christ into an atheist. Did you know the H. in his name stood for Harry? Don't quote me on that because I am lying.

This was actually a gift given to me by my Aunt. Where she purchased this game I have no idea. First off the cartridge is oddly shaped from regular Nintendo games and it also does not contain the Official Nintendo stamp of approval. I think its safe to assume that this was a bootleg with the proceeds going to some Terror Facility in the Middle East.

The game is split into 3 different sub games. My recollection of the Bible is not as good as it once was, so forgive me if I butcher names and what not. The first game you played as Noah, and had to bring 2 of each set of animal onto your arc. Playing this game was probably harder then the actual shit Noah went thru. You pick up a sheep and then a millisecond later it runs out of grip all the way to the beginning of the level. You have to do this about 30 times before you finally get it onto the arc. In order to get the animal to stay on the arc you have to launch it 30 feet into the air into unconsciousness or simply beat it into a coma. I'm not joking either. I played this game for a total of 5 minutes before praying that God would send another flood.

The next game used basically the same engine except instead of throwing sheep and other animals, you were launching baby Jesus around. I'm not too sure what story this game is based on, but its apparently the one where Mary is running from Soldiers and her only option is to launch Baby Jesus over a River. Thinking back maybe it wasn't Baby Jesus but someone else. The other two games are based on Old Testament stories so maybe this one was too.... Maybe this game was made by the *Gasp* by the Jews!!!!!

The final game is the one I spent entirely too much time playing. It was based on the story of David vs. Goliath. You played as David traveling up huge mountains and at the very end you would finally confront the Giant Goliath. It became an obsession of mine to get to Goliath, but the game was so friggin hard. How could the graphical processing power of the Nintendo video game console reproduce a giant? Did they even have enough pixels? I needed to know. I was tempted to find out I almost loaded the game up to my Game Genie and used cheat codes, but then I figured that was probably a moral sin. I could imagine arriving at the gates of Heaven only to have God say, "You used the Game Genie on my video game you mother fucker?!"

NES Classics - Flea Market Games

I remember the good old days... When I was a kid you could buy video games for a quarter. For a fucking quarter! Today they are what... 70 bucks? Back in the day I used to go to the flea markets.... They had these big bins of all used Nintendo games, no boxes, just the cartridges thrown into a big friggin bin. I was a dumb little kid who would analyze these cartridges, trying to decide if a game was good or not based on the sticker image. There was no internet... I couldn't just pull out my iPhone and get a video game review to see if it was worth buying. Nope.... I had to rely on a little thing called instinct. 

So when I pulled out "Mighty Bombjack" I thought I had hit the fucking lotto. What is this?! A Viking man dressed up as a superhero fucking up mummys in Egypt?! I'm in! Thats advertising 101 right there... look at that picture and the title of that game... Mighty BombJack... are you telling me you don't want to play that? This game turned out to be real shit... but hey, you cant win them all.

Then there was this gem...

When I pulled this one out of the bin I think I got my first hard on. There is a game called Chubby fucking Cherub and you play as a naked kid?! I couldn't hand my money to the guy fast enough. Why would anyone in their right mind sell a game where a naked cupid stops burglars with kisses?

My obsession with obscure Nintendo games didn't end when Super Nintendo became the new top dawg. There was a place called Funcoland that would sell used NES games too. When you went there they would hand you a newspaper that had just about every game ever for Nintendo listed with a price. I was now buying games based on name alone. While most kids were buying Mortal Kombat, I was buying games called "Pestterminator". I would ask the poor store clerk for the rarest of games and they would have to look through crates upon crates for a piece of shit I was going to buy for a dime.... I loved the good old days.

Nintendo Classics - Toobin'

Today we will take a look at the NES classic, "Toobin'". Just looking at that "dude" above, I can certainly tell he was "hitting the tubes", it is very apparent he is stoned. There should be a disclaimer on this game to advise smoking pot before playing, as it becomes increasingly bizarre and racist, but we will get to that later.

So the story is some "dude" decides to jump in a tube with an unlimited supply of beer cans and just drift down a never ending river. All the while this dude fucks up the environment as much as humanly possibly by throwing empty beer cans at anything that moves. The game starts off in a normal river, while one evades alligators... soon enough however, we are fighting fucking aliens and UFO's and fucking robots and even the devil himself. My assumption is that this dude in the tube got bored after 5 minutes of paddling down a river and took some acid. This is the only way to explain why I am all of a sudden paddling down the river styxx. There is also a part where you go down an African river... it is here where some black "savages" who look like they have come straight out of a minstrel show, complete with huge red lips, shoot darts at you.

As children we all need role models... and this dude in the tube was one of mine. I thought his idea of a endless trip down a river in a tube while getting tanked was a genius idea. It was an idea I vowed to one day do myself. I also figured it was a great way ti see the world, and also experience great events in history via the time travel paddling in a tube seems to enable. The saddest part about all this is I'm not joking.

UPDATE: When I was writing this I was thinking to myself, "Man I would give my dick to play Toobin' again." Well, I was looking through my old playstation games and I found a game called "Arcade Party Pack" which contains "Toobin"! Fuck to the yeah. Lets get high on drugs!