Dumbest Question I Ever Asked

Fuck.... I just started watching this show I recorded on "The National Geographic Channel" or as the cool kids call it... "Nat Geo". When I saw this commercial and saw it was a show called "Draining The Ocean", I damn near creamed my pants. Anyone that knows me knows I LOVE deep sea creatures, and thought of seeing those things without water flopping around on the land gave me a hard on. So when I tuned in and and started watching this geographical shit I damn near threw up in disappointment. Fuck was this shit boring.... it kind of reminded me of this "Oceanography" class I took. After 4 weeks of talking about "platetechtonics" (I am not even going to attempt to spell that right) I finally raised my hand and asked, "When we were going to talk about fish and stuff?" And when I was told that this was the wrong class I replied... "This is not what I what I thought I was signing up for."

Which brings me to the title of this post... "The Dumbest Question I Ever Asked". One class we were talking about how the moon effects waves and shit and the lunar effect. I then raised my hand and asked... "How were the tides effected in prehistoric times when we had three moons?" The teacher looked at me dumbfounded holding in laughter. You might be thinking what to yourself what the hell was I on.... See when i was a kid I would see this show like "Land of the Lost" or "The Land Forgotten" or some shit. For some reason in the show the earth had three moons in the sky. I never thought this element of the show was fiction and really thought in prehistoric times if you looked in the sky you could see 3 "moons" or planets. After I asked this question the teacher required me to take a drug test... not really but I do have a story about that form high school.  Man... fuck that Oceanography class.

Phoenix

Phoenix is quickly growing into one of my favorite bands. Their newest album "Wolfgang Amadeus" is nothing short of a masterpiece, and this rock/electronica hybrid can make anyone feel good with their sounds. The only thing negative about them is that their from France.....EWWWW. I only eat "Freedom Fries".

The Orphanage

I just saw an amazing film from Spain called "The Orphanage". It is what you wall call a "thriller" but it is not to be confused with the garbage like "The Ring" and "The Mirrors" and all those other American bastardizations. Watching foreign films lately it has really dawned on me that American cinema is very weak compared to the rest of the world right now. Our films are not innovative and are a lot more toned down then are foreign counterparts. These American films are "dumbed" down and made more family friendly. I really think having a Republican as president for 8 years can really attribute to this.

This film plants so many things in the first half that pay off HUGELY in the end. Unlike most American films these plants are not painfully obvious and this film does not feel its audience has the brain the size of a piss ant. I strongly recommend this film to anyone that truly appreciates great art. It is produced by Guillermo and feels a lot like "Pans Labryinth". This is a fairy tale for grown ups. However, I feel this is a much better film than Pan's. I think an American remake is scheduled to be made and it will probably be horrible.

Funny News Headlines

Very Controversial Idea

What if?

This could be an idea for a film but it is WAY too controversial. What if God us the bad guy and Lucifer (the devil) is the rebellious pioneer of free will. God is a dictator type who suppresses the free will of humans, simply making them to be his slaves and do his bidding, not questioning why they are there or to use logic. Lucifer was an angel for him and saw the corruption and was the only one to speak out against him. God banished him and set forth in destroying his name. On earth Lucifer encouraged the humans to ask "Why?" and to do things on their own merit. This angered God so much that he sent a great flood killing everyone hoping to "reset" things. The plan worked for a while but Lucifer continued to spread his message and God had to use another plan. God decided to appear on earth himself as someone named "Jesus". The primary goal of this person was to badmouth Lucifer and depict him as an evil monster called "the devil". What if all the teachings that we were led to "worship" are nothing more then propaganda and a smear campaign. 

Lets add a sci-fi twist to this story. God is a being from another superior planet. They travel the universe developing planets with life. This God being however had a huge ego and used the life forms as a way of stroking his ego. His behavior was so egotistical that that the home planet sent the being Lucifer to come regulate. These beings are not physical manifestations but more like spirits. I don't believe this but it is something I was just thinking about. I find it funny that those of us raised on religion are afraid to even bring up such questions and find talk like this sinful, deceitful, and blasphemous. The fact of the matter is that religion is the most powerful force on earth and can rally someone to murder or be used as a means of justifying murder. It is instilled in us before we can even rationalize and used as a way of keeping us in order. Imagine a society without religion? There would be no order. Even if I did find out for certain that religion was a scam, I would not reveal it to the masses. A lot of people need to look to someone for "answers". As a child they turn to their parents. When they get older and wiser then their parents they turn to their "God".

I know a lot of people will not like this article, but I am not telling you to become atheist or stop believing whatever it is you believe in. I'm just saying one should not be afraid to question and analyze things. This goes for all facets of life. Do not walk blindly into the night.

My Standup

My friend is doing a show at a comedy club and he asked me to write him some jokes since he knows I'm a comedic genius. You know what they say... Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

Heres my first joke...

ME: Knock Knock!

AUDIENCE: Whos There?

ME: An antichrist racist devilish scumbag dictator parasite....

AUDIENCE: A "antichrist racist devilish scumbag dictator parasite" who?

ME: ..... Mike Bloomberg

Then I would break into this...

You know who got them filthy mouths? Them animals be a bunch of foul talking motherfuckers! You think I'm just clowning with you right? You think I'm playin'? Look at the nicknames them animals give to each other.... Jack-Ass, Bastard, Bitch, Pussy..... cat. They be some foul talking motherfuckers.

Then we break into this...

You know what always pissed me off... the fucking Ninja Turtles movies... you tellin me that a 6 foot tall teenager fucking turtle thats also a fucking ninja can throw on a trenchcoat and walk through New York City undetected? What kind of shit is that? I can't even walk into the movies to see "Hannah Montana 3-D" in my trench coat without being taken to jail. Of course I had on nothing underneath it but neither do the ninja turtles.

Zombieland Restricted Trailer [HQ] (Red Band)

i am so amped for this film.

8.5.09

"God give us the a snake and God bring for us a marijuana... you fool around play a game too much with the snake a snake bite you.. same for marijuana or coke or whatever..."

- The Iron Sheik

8.5.08

I need to rant here.... I have to go to this alcohol program now. Do I consider myself an alcoholic... Nope. I know people who drink a lot more often then me. I drink once a week, but when I do drink I don't drink to socialize... I drink to get pounded. Drinking and not getting drunk is like jerking off and not blowing your load. I rather drink a soda then 2 beers. '

So heres the deal... I'm going to go sober. I'm going to go straightedge. I'm going to lose my edge and become a square. No more partying. Maybe I will get a lot of tattoos and get into extreme sports.  I need to stop procrastinating. I love procrastinating. Hell... I love most things that end in "ing"... like eating, sleeping, not working. Next stop sobriety!

Party All The Time

http://www.therundown.tv/new-music/aubrey-oday-feat-shanell-party-all-the-time/

Check out that link... Aubrey O'Day... the blonde girl who looks like a pornstar just went and did a remake of the Eddie Murphy classic "Party All The Time" and butchered it. God... Eddie should sue her.

Shuck and Jive

What in the bluest hell is that?

8.4.09

I gotta meet my lawyer before I go deal with these vampires.... these fucking leeches.

Anyway I was thinking about something.... Ricky Williams got thrown out of the NFL for smoking some pot. However... A-Rod, David Ortiz, and Manny Ramirez all got caught for friggin steroids and they all still play in the MLB and A-Rod did not even receive a punishment. What the hell kind of world is this? They were taking a drug to enhance their performance, Ricky was taking a drug to enhance his munchies. In no way was pot helping to increase Ricky's performance. If anything it was actually hurting his performance. This just goes to show how backwards this counrty is.

Louis CK #2

One more... really good.

Louis CK

Louis CK is an awesome stand up comedian. One of the best I heard... right up there with Zach Galifnaskis, Paul Mooney, and Bernie Mac. The show on HBO "Lucky Louie" was also pretty awesome, its a shame they didn't let it go longer and gain a following. You know who else is a pretty awesome comedian which may surprise you.... Ray Romano. I was watching him today and I actually "LOL"ed. I dont laugh anymore, I just scream out "LOL". I scream it while pulling my eyes squinty like an Asian.... no reason really. i just realized I used the word "awesome" like 8 fucking times in this post.

The Hangover

"The Hangover" is probably one of the sloppiest written films I've seen in a long time. It is enjoyable yes, but I credit the success of this film solely on the actors... I bet if you read the script it is utter garbage. Everything Zach Galifankis says was probably written by him or ad-libbed.. anyone who saw his stand-up would probably agree. Things happen in this film that don't affect anything else. Yeah they have Mike Tysons tiger and they go return it to him. He shows them the video surveillance, but what do we learn from it? That they were drunk? The plot is progressed in no way. Also too many characters just change their whole personalities on a whim. The one guy ia uptight and marries a stripper. He hardly talks to her at all in their scene together and then later on during the "Rain Man" mockery they are buddy buddy and "fall in love". Where did this character transition come from? Why in one scene is Tyson punching them and then in the next they are buddy buddy? Same with the Asian guy. Why does Mike Epps even appear to in this film? Its a shame because the whole first act is amazing. As soon as they take that shot on the rooftop the film really goes to shit. Well not too much shit... it is a decent film but it could have really been a classic. This film is a lot like "Dude Wheres My Car?" It is a slightly toned down version of that film... more realistic and vulgar. And how many scenes end with a character mentioning the name of a song and then the song blares as we go to the transition.  And the Tyson cameo would have been amazing if they did not spoil it in the trailers.

Baldy the Raccoon!!!

Wow... I used to think Raccoons were kind of cute until this. This bald raccoon just exposed it for the rat bastard that it truly is. Damn that thing is ugly.

Face it.... Not Guilty

The police said I was drinking and driving. This is completely false.... I was not drinking and driving.... I drank and then I drove... how dumb do they think I am? Who the hell would drink while driving? I felt like I was involved in the newest "Police Academy" film.

I kept thinking of this one rap lyric from Biggie Smalls the whole time while in court. Its from the song "Hyptonize": 

"At my arraignment, note for the plaintiff

Your daughter's tied up in a Brooklyn basement
Face it, not guilty, that's how I stay filthy."

I want you to really try to visualize that scenario. Picture Biggie sitting in court and then casually slipping a little note to the plaintiff. The plaintiff opens it and crudely scribbled on it are the words; "Your daughters tied up in a Brooklyn basement." His mouth drops open to a gasp, as he looks over at Biggie who calmly stares straight ahead. The next thing you know.... "Not Guilty!" Biggie gets off once again!