3.28.07

incarcerated

Bad news gang....I just witnessed "The Chief" get arrested at Maurice Park. Who is "The Chief" you ask? Well he is a basketball loving guy...and he loves...ummm...basketball. Basically, I dont know the guy, be he has become a fixture of Maspeth and Maurice Park. Every night, no matter rain or snow, you will see a lone shadowy figure shooting hoops in the park. He is always there! Never with anyone and always just shooting alone into the late hours of the night. We gave him the nickname "The Chief", because he strongly resembles the same named character from the movie, "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest".

So I'm there at the park tonight shooting around with my friend. All of a sudden a police van rolls into the park. The Chief is the of course, and he pays no attention as the police van drives around the park. All of a sudden the police van drives onto the court, almost hitting The Chief, and the doors open and the cops come rushing out holding pepper spray. The Chiefs reaction doesn't changes as they turn him around and cuff him. A cop then comes over and tells us to get lost. I turn to my friend in shock, "They just arrested The Chief!" Why was The Chief arrested? One could only guess. But something tells me it involves underage bestiality.

3.26.07

Bizarre Asian Man

So I decided to be "fancy" and live the lavish life, and go to "T.G.I.F" for dinner...or as us socialites call it, "Fridays." I'm sitting there enjoying my boneless buffalo wings (What the fuck kind of mutated chickens are they making now without bones?!) and I see a group of people cheering and clapping. Standing at the edge of the table is an old Asian Man with a huge smile on his face and everyone is applauding him. On his head he is wearing a paper plate that is cut out into the design of like a bird. Now this table was like teens to early twenties. This guy must be doing that tamagotchi shit, or whatever the hell that paper art is called...but why is this older crowd laughing and applauding. Anyway, this guy makes his way over to us pushing a cart. I swear to God I've seen zombies move quicker then this guy. (And I ain't talking about these new light speed zombies...that is bullshit! Everyone knows zombies are slow as shit.) By the time this slow bastard gets to my table I can have him make something for my grand kids. I'm watching him as he makes a Sponge Bob paper hat for a kid, he's pretty talented...I'll give him that, but he's also a PERVERT! After the kids, he walks over to a group of teenagers, all girls. He begins cutting away at his paper plate with a huge smile on his face. His masterpiece is then done. Its the silhouette of a man, and the Asian man then pulls down on it revealing a huge penis which this paper man is someone stroking. The table erupts in laughter as curious kids look on only to be scarred for life. When he finally got to my table he sold me this cute little furry thing called a Magwai. He said not to get it wet or some shit, but I wasn't really paying attention.

3.23.07

Tyson has the greatest quotes ever...

"Your sweet...I'm gonna make sure you kiss me good with those big lips."
" I wish one of you guys had children so I could kick them in their fucking head, or stomp on their testicles, so you could feel my pain...cause thats the pain I have waking up every day."
"I'll eat your asshole alive, you bitch!"
"I'll fuck you in you ass in front of everybody!"
"I'll fuck you till you love me faggot!"

3/22/07

300 IS GAY!

Am I the only one who thinks that 300 might be the gayest movie ever made? Its obvious that this movie was made for gay men, the fighting and action is just a cover , this movie is G-A-Y. Look at every guy...half nude with six packs that look painted on. Look at that black guy, what the fuck is he wearing?! This movie was made for gay men and women...Fat, suburban, stay at home moms. And the funniest part is people are saying how manly this movie is. I'm not saying its bad, cause I haven't seen it, but this movie is GAY!

3.19.07

EPITOME OF MASCULINITY AWARD

That guy above might be one of the most bad ass men I have ever seen. He's the host of the show Man vs. Wild and his name is Bear. His friggin' name is Bear! C'mon now! How can you not be bad ass with a name like Bear. Here are some of his achievements...

He is a Karate black belt, served three years with the Special Air Service, a special forces unit of the British Army, during which time he broke his back in three places while parachuting over Southern Africa. Oh and he also climbed to the top of Mount Everest.

Now onto his show, Man vs. Wild. You have to see this. Its on Discovery Channel by the way. Basically this guy is dropped by parachute in some crazy fucking location with nothing but a knife. I saw the episode where he was dropped in the middle of the rain forest. He then jumped down waterfalls, chopped down trees, built a awesome little tut that would've probably taken me 2 weeks in a matter of hours. He then caught fish barehanded and built a crazy good raft and floated down the river, back to civilization. Now the best part is this show is done like an educational video. He explains to the viewer how to build rafts and what not. Thanks Bear...next time I decided to go wander into the middle of the rain forest with no supplies, I'll know which frog not to eat because of it being poisonous. It's absolutely hilarious to me. "When you get to a river like this...your going to want to make yourself a raft. Find these trees like this and simply chop them down." Then it cuts away and when it comes back theres the most perfect raft I've ever seen. This guy makes McGyver look like a retard. And thats why I'm giving him the first ever, "Epitome of Masculinity" award.

MJ A RACIST?!

MJ A RACIST?!

This is a funny story....lets take it back to my high school days. My Global History teacher was a black women by the name of Ms.Grey. Now this women was black and proud! Every month was black history month to her. I don't give a damn about learning about black history, but honestly, every single lesson we learned about was about some black activist. It really became a little much, and it became apparent to me that she wasn't too fond of my white skin. You have to understand...she really was out of control. I know its a touchy subject but I had both white and black kids telling me she was taking this whole Black Pride thing too far. Basically, my grades pretty much sucked and I was somewhat of a class clown..so she would pick on me. Me and her didn't exactly have the best relationship when a our first big project came up. It was me, my friend John and two girls in a group. John was a screw up too. Me, being the lazy asshole I am, decided I was going to do absolutely nothing and my friend John would write the part I would present for me. The girls were on their own. We had to do this project on like famous black figures and present it before the class. So anyway, the day of the project comes about and I see the one girl in our group dressed up as Jackie Robinson talking before the class. I go up to my friend John and he hands me some index cards. I don't bother to read it, and say..."Lets Do it."

So I go up before the class and start reading off the index cards. I don't really remember what it was about, something about the Negro Leagues I think...but I do remember this one part..."Black people are naturally fast runners because they used to have to run through the jungles of Africa. They also did a lot of running as slaves." I said this and the teacher could give me a look that could kill. I felt like Kramer standing before the class. I couldn't believe my friend wrote this for me to say. I knew I should've wore my black face and sung Mr.Bojangles for this project! I wound up getting a -55 on this project. Thats no joke! Not even fucking positive numbers! NEGATIVE FIFTY FIVE! The moral of the story is this...Racism does not pay!

3.13.07

One Tough Broad.
I'm sure you've seen and heard about this on the news. Some robber punched a 101 old lady in the face while robbing her. It gets stranger tho....first off she didn't even go down from the two punches, but ended up with a shiner. The second is the guy was riding a pink bicycle. Huh? Did he steal that too? Let me tell you..this old woman is no joke.

I think I want to get a cat. I love cats...even better then dogs.I like the independence they have, and they ain't always all up in your business. However, I HATE when cats talk like humans. You might think I'm crazy talkin', but I'm serious. I have seen cats speak English on like Americas Funniest Videos. It wasn't funny or American.....I'll try to find a video of it.

Holy Crap I found it! You thought I was crazy, but its real! Talking cats are the crazy! There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, more bizarre then this. BTW: I think the cat at the very end is drunk, cause he ain't making no sense!

Ghosbusters re-made! Pt. 2

Ok, so next up in the casting call is Egon. Egon was the smart, nerdy scientist...
For this one, I'm going for a stretch. I'm going to cast someone who isn't actually an actor. He is however a real doctor, and in my opinion he's smart. He is also the host of the radio show Loveline....

Why...I dont know, I just have a good feeling about this one. I don't even know if the guy can act, but he looks perfect and is legit smart. So all that leaves is Akryods character. Im having trouble with that one...

Ghosbusters re-made!

THE NEW GHOSTBUSTERS!

I don't know lately I have this big hard on for the Ghostbusters. When I was a kid man, nobody was cooler then the Ghostbusters. They were like my freaking role models. You know how kids want to be astronauts? Well, I wanted to seriously be a Ghostbuster. Shit, I still want to be a Ghostbuster, I just wish ghosts would start getting rowdy so I could get some work. Anyway...Ive been thinking A LOT about who I would cast in a new remake of the Ghostbusters. You have to understand...I've been thinking A LOT about this....LETS BEGIN!

Bill Murray's smart ass character, basically the leader of the Ghostbusters....This is one of the most bad ass characters in movie history. This is a big role to play, and big shoes to fill...So who could do it? Well, theres a actor I'm pretty big on...I think he's underrated and anyone who saw Just Friends will probably agree with me...I present the new DR. PETER VENKMAN!

Yup...Ryan Reynolds..Van Wilder himself. He even has that perfect cocky smirk needed for the role. NEXT.....

Its Winston...the only black Ghostbuster. He really didn't have that big of a role in the films. However, in the remake, I would give him a much bigger part. So who is it going to be? Another talented up and coming actor who could be mad funny...especially while he's busting ghosts....THE NEW WINSTON IS....LUDA! Yup...my pick for Winston is Ludacris. I really like the way this is shaping up...I'll have my other two picks in....PART 2!!!!

MEGA MILLIONS!

Yes its true! I have won the Mega Millions....I am now $377 million dollars richer! So what shall I do with all this money? Well, I have a few ideas...but remember people, I'm keeping it practical...

- Buy a house made entirely out of solid gold or chocolate
- Sinks made out of the ivory tusks of a Wolly Mammoth
- A fully functionable replica Batmobile, Knight Rider car, Mach 5, and the Inspector Gadget car.
- Every piece of equipment used in the Ghostbuster movies.
- A Playstation 3....actually, thats too expensive
- A pet Raptor, like I had when I was a kid.
- Jurassic Park..not the movie, the actual place
- Fansworth Bentley
- Paulie's robot from Rocky 4
- Some cyborg body parts
- A unparalleled arsenal of weapons, just in case the terrorists want to get rowdy
- A leopard or a panther
- iPhone
- Every article of clothing I wear will either be pastel suits like Miami Vice, or Scarface suits.
- The Titanic, straight from the ocean floor and restored.
- The New York Knicks and the reformation of the XFL and the ABA.
- I wouldn't adopt a child from a third world country...but rather the whole third world country.
- A huge tank filled with gold coins that I can swim in like Scrooge McDuck.
- Purchase the tomb of Jesus from James Cameron.
- The franchise of Roy Rogers restaurants.
- A Statue the size of The Statue of Liberty of Christopher Walken.
- A time machine so I could be a part of the Boston Tea Party.
- The Baha Men, to perform at my command.
- Britney Spears hair that she shaved off.
- Pee Wee's Playhouse

3.7.07

3.5.07

You know....people don't cease to amaze me. No matter how crazy you think something is..someone has probably done it. I was just reading about a drunk Australian guy who caught a shark with his BARE HANDS. They asked him what possesedhim to do this and he responded, "Probably the liquor." Now, I have done some stupid shit when I'm drunk but trying to check a shark bare handed? I would at least bring some kind of stick or something with me. Im dumb, but not that dumb. And it doesn't stop...today, 2 black kids...One 18 and the other 17..got arrested for making a 2 and 5 year old hit a blunt of weed. The 2 year old hits it and coughs, and then complains about the munchies...no lie! Amazing...and heres the best part...they videotaped themselves doing this! Im sure we all got someones dog drunk or high once, but a 2 year old?! And why are you filming it?! Oh, and Britney Spears wrote "666" on her forehead, claimed to be the anti-christ, and tried to hang herself. What is in the water people? Has everyone lost their god damn minds? I think people are just having trouble coping with the fact that Anna Nicole is gone....

3.4.07

LoL...I just noticed something funny. Go to the right and click out the blog archive and click on the arrow in front of February, then check out the dates...that is why you don't drink and blog kiddo's.

3.3.07

TOP 5 SCARFACE QUOTES:

This movie has really become a huge cult classic....but I question the integity of some of these so called "fans". I personally think that Tony Montana is one of films greatest characters, and he also has some of the best quotes seen on the silver screen. Heres my top top five and I left out the over used ones like, "say hello to my little friend!" and "say goodnight to the bad guy!"

5. Tony Montana: You know what your problem is? Elvira Hancock: What's that? Tony Montana: You don't got nothing to do with your life. Why don't you get a job? Work with lepers. Blind kids. Anything's gotta be better than lying around all day waiting for me to fuck you. Elvira Hancock: Don't toot your horn, honey. You're not that good.

4. Tony Montana: Me, I want what's coming to me. Manny: Oh, well what's coming to you? Tony Montana: The world, chico, and everything in it.

3. Tony Montana: You wanna waste my time? Okay. I call my lawyer. He's the best lawyer in Miami. He's such a good lawyer, that by tomorrow morning, you gonna be working in Alaska. So dress warm.

2.Tony Montana: Is this it? That's what it's all about, Manny? Eating, drinking, fucking, sucking? Snorting? Then what? You're 50. You got a bag for a belly. You got tits, you need a bra. They got hair on them. You got a liver, they got spots on it, and you're eating this fuckin' shit, looking like these rich fucking mummies in here... Look at that. A junkie. I got a fuckin' junkie for a wife. She don't eat nothing. Sleeps all day with them black shades on. Wakes up with a Quaalude, and who won't fuck me 'cause she's in a coma. I can't even have a kid with her, Manny. Her womb is so polluted, I can't even have a fuckin' little baby with her!

1. Tony Montana - I tell the truth, even when I lie!

3.2.07

FUCK ANNA NICOLE SMITH!

Yeah I said it...just cause you died doesn't all of a sudden make you a good person. Anna Nicole is not a good person...shes a drugged up gold digging whore. I can't believe how the media is making her out to be this saint. What has she done good? Shes a terrible mother..her teenage son is dead, and this is what really got to me...Apparently she was shooting up heroin while pregnant with her daughter. The world is better off without this whore. She was a joke in life and her death is a damn joke to me too. I want to go the funeral and piss all over the corpse...and if your shocked you know deep down you feel the same way. Oh where should we bury the body? I would put the rotting corpse in that fucking closed down Taco Bell with all those rats.....

Speaking of which...if you still eat at Taco Bell you are a sicko! First off you get E Coli and now the rats are running wild! So you can eat crappy food while 14 rats run around, jumping on tables, dancing like the fucken WB frog, and then you go home and get sick with e coli. C'mon now...

UPDATE!!!!

Well apparently Taco Bell is taking care of this problem. But how are they doing this? I swear I couldn't make up something this good:

"So now, the parent firm that also owns Pizza Hut is hiring a rat wrangler to review health standards at its restaurants in the city.
Bobby Corrigan is a world-famous expert on rodent problems. He once spent months living in a rat-infested barn to study the animals' behavior."

What? A rat wrangler? Is this guy gonna have a cowboy hat and a rope, and actually lasso these rodent scoundrels?

Getting Robbed

GETTN ROBBED HOMES!

Have you ever been robbed by some Vatos? No? Well then your missing out! It is a very fun learning experience. I remeber when I was "robbed" by some Vatoses. This story takes place back in my glorious highschool years, when I was a sophmore. Me and my friends got on the public bus (Q88...holler!), and of course went to go sit in the back like all cool kids do (Duh!). It was a normal boring ride, until we hit one stop and about 20 Vatos got on the bus wearing bandannas of all colors of the rainbow. I remeber thinking, "Is the Puerto Rican Parade today?" These were straight up "gangstas". I think there is a big difference between gangstas and gangsters. Gangstas are all about image and proving their thug, a gangster is someone involved in organized crime and whos main concern is money. Bottom line is that these kids were dressed like douchebags and you just knew they were trouble. They started yelling on the back of the bus in a language that wasn't American. It was either Spanish or Chinese, I couldn't tell, too me all foreigners sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown.

These Vatos were about to get their rob on of me and my gringo classmates. I see them ask some kid from my school for his discman (Compact Disc player for the young'n's....kind of like a iPod) and he just goes and hands it to them. Granted; my classmates were outnumbered and these kids were a lot older, but at least say something, stand up!...its not like they had a gun.....Oh....Just then one of them pulls out a gun.

So picture this scene...about 12 kids from my school in the back of a public bus all sitting down. About 6 of them I know, and they are my friends. Standing around us, surrounding us, are about 20 gangstas in their mid twenties. One of them has a gun out robbing people for wallets and discmen (like a iPod), and this is all during the day! And these kids are like yelling, "Rob this mother fucker!" What the fuck was the bus driver doing?! The only excuse I would except is if I went up there and saw mother fucking Mr.Magoo driving that bitch!

This is something I found very funny. After they rob about 2 kids, they decide its about time to explain their motives. I felt like I was in a cheesy superhero movie where the villian tells his plans to take over the world right before he is about to kill the hero. One of them spoke out to the group...

"You know why were doing this? Because when we were younger, we used to get robbed by white kids like you. Now, we turned the tables and rob you." So basically they were Puerto Rican Robin Hoods. This gang's charisma was actually starting to grow on me.

Now it gets good...this is my favorite part...they put the gun directly on some nerdy kids leg, so that the barrel is right there and the gangstas finger is on the trigger. The kid looks scared as hell and is just sitting there watching...as he is about to get his thigh shot. Actually, now that I think about it...the kid actually looked kind of casual. He was about to get shot in the leg and he looked like he was taking a shit on the toilet. Then all of a sudden the gangsta pulled the trigger.....Nothing. it wasn't loaded. Then all the gangstas laughed, and I joined in. The gangsta then took out a clip and loaded the gun, "Next time you won't be so lucky."

I see the kid with the gun robbing people on the bus in a line, and I realized I had like 3 people in front of me, before I was gonna get asked to run my pockets. Do you really think I was gonna let these fucks take my wallet filled with 10 bucks?! I was not running on my braveness but rather my cheapness. I did a quick move and transfered my wallet from my back to front pocket. The kid came up to me and asked for my wallet. I sat up and showed him I had none in my back pocket. He didnt believe I didnt have a wallet and asked me to open the front of my backpack. Now this is true...I opened it and saw a Dr.Grip pen. I pulled it out and said, "You want this?" He looked at it and said, "No...but good looks." WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT! This was a thick Dr.Grip pen....That alone is worth shooting the bus up. But thats basically my story...After this incident I went Death Wish 4 on these bastards and killed every last one of the gang members, culminating with a fight with the leader in a dark alleyway as it pourred.

2.25.07

"50 Cent is a Clever Bastard!"
So I'm just chilling out max and relaxing all cool...when all of a sudden 50 Cent's widely popular "In Da Club" comes on the radio. Damn, this song was on heavy rotation..and it still gets played all the time at clubs. But why did it really get so popular? The beginning plays and 50 goes, "Go shorty, Its your birthday!" Boom! There it is! I heard that and said, "50 Cent is a Clever Bastard!" If there are 3 things I know, it's that all girls...

1. Love taking pictures, especially group shots.

2. Love singing Journey's "Small Town Girl" when they are drunk at a bar

3. Love birthdays..especially their own.

And 50 Cent knew this too. It will always be someone's birthday, and that song will always get played with some girl thinking 50 made it especially for them. "Wow, the song says its your birthday, and it like totally is!" I still think all girls talk like 90's Valley Girls by the way.

Oscar Preview

CAN YOU SURVIVE THE OSCARS?

Yes, the image above is that of rap group Three Six Mafia celebrating their Oscar win. That is also when the Oscars officially jumped the shark. Your telling me that they deserves Oscars but one of the greatest directors ever, Martin Scorsese, does not? Yeah I agree, "Hard out here for a pimp" is a great piece of music *cough* but I mean c'mon! I'm still waiting for one of them to make the Oscar statue into the centerpiece on a chain. But anyway...who am I kidding...When I saw them win a smile came across my face like I won the lottery. Watching these uptight pricks nervously applaud while they excepted was awesome.

This is the Oscar preview...Is it possible to watch the entire broadcast without dying of boredom...I don't know? I love film but I think that is a feat that can only be performed by a gay fashionista. Let me pick the winners real quick...and if its anything like my Super Bowl predictions, this is basically what will happen...(BTW: I have a big time hard on for The Departed, its one of my favorite films ever)

ACTOR IN LEADING ROLE

Winner: Forest Whitaker

I think this is basically a lock.

ACTOR IN SUPPORTING ROLE

Winner: Eddie Murphy

Playing a James Brown knock off might get him the role of James Brown in Spike Lee's upcoming flick.

LEADING ACTRESS

Winner: Helen Mirren

Lets move on...I have no idea why I chose her.

ACTRESS IN SUPPORTING ROLE

Winner: Jennifer Hudson

Too bad you couldn't win American Idol! A award Americans actually care about!

BEST DIRECTOR

Winner: Martin Scorsese

God damn he better win. He is owed this for Mean Streets, Raging Bull, and Goodfellas. And I think Departed is just as good as any of those films.

BEST PICTURE

Winner: Saw 3....kidding...Little Miss Sunshine

I never saw it, but I hear its overrated. I personally would pick The Departed.

2.23.07

"STAY GOLD PONYBOY!"

Yo Pony, the way you dig sunsets...

thats gold! Stay gold Ponyboy...

Stay Gold...

Manlover

I propose a change. I think the term "boyfriend" needs to be changed. If I'm called that I find it offensive. First off, I am not a boy...I am a MAN! And number two; if your referring to me as that, we are not friends...we are lovers! So I propose that the term "Boyfriend" be changed to "Manlover". Imagine two girls talking..."Yeah my boyfriend is coming to pick me up..." and the other girl turns to her and says, "Well, my manlover is coming to get me." How do you think she will feel? If your answer was small and inadequate, you win.