This summer I spent a week in the Hamptons. If I stayed a minute longer it was about to become Grand Theft Auto: Hampton Bays. There's only so much of watching wealthy bored Caucasians look at antiques and browse bookstores for shit they will never read one man can take. The entitlement there is astonishing. People have Yachts literally worth more then countries. You ever wanted to feel like a poor underachieving failure.... go visit the Hamptons. (That's actually their slogan on the shirts)
But here's the thing.... all the money can't buy soul. Look behind their overpriced Ray Ban Polarized Sunglasses and you will see emptiness... dead eyes... like a dolls or a shark. They sit around making fun of minorities for all dressing and acting the same while they themselves do the exact same. There is an unofficial "uniform" to the Hamptons and if your not wearing boat shoes, white shorts, and a polo you will get some dirty looks. Sandals can also be substituted... I hate a man wearing sandals... there is nothing uglier then men feet but that's a rant for another day.
So back to me... After walking around in my JNCO jeans, Airwalk sneakers, and Chain wallet (to stop thievery) for a week and hearing all the whispers behind my back I snapped. I was driving when this entitled elderly woman, who probably just left her multi million dollar home after her breakfast of wine and xanax , wanders out in to the middle of the street. I hit the breaks and she gives me a judging stare... not impressed by my 14 year old car or the profanity laced rap music that was blasting out of it. "Learn How to Drive!" How dare this bitch say that to me for nearly running her over! Something inside me snapped and I had to let her have it. I needed a dagger like insult that would shatter her whole meticulously constructed world. My first instinct is to say, "Fuck you bitch!" (NOTE: The highest level of education I achieved is a Bachelors... and it was in Communications.. so basically I'm a highschool graduate) Before I uttered out my ignorancy, a moment of genius came over me....
"Watch where your going... nigger." As soon as I finished I could see the look on her face... confusion, fear, anger, arousal. I could literally see her brain melt out of her ears. NEVER in her life has she been called the n-word... the word she only utters in the privacy of her mansion with Mr. Joseph Yoder. And it was being hurled at her from someone of her own race. She literally froze in her tracks unaware of what to do or say. I didn't break eye contact and a staring contest ensued. Finally she dropped her head and scurried off. Where she went... I don't know. But I can imagine!
I imagine an immaculate bedroom. The maid cleaned it earlier this morning but as of now clothes are thrown about. Empty pill and wine bottle spewed across the floor amid the designer dresses and shoes. A shitty little Pomeranian barks feverishly at something. Pan over and we see this "fucking bitch" hanging from a bed post by her finest Kate Spade scarf. And that's my story... Have a great day I'm off to see my psychiatrist.
