South Beach

Just got back from South Beach...it was mayhem. This week was the Winter Music Confrence, so all the worlds top house DJ's were in town. This also meant that all the ecstasy zombie maniacs were in town, including rich drugs dealers driving around in Lambos and Phantoms BLASTING music with exterior speakers.

So night one we went to a club and saw P. Diddy. I was very intoxicated, and my memory is a bit hazy, but here's what I do remember.....Diddy did not come to rap, he came to yell over house music in a robot voice. The lights were absolutely insane, and Diddy was yelling out, "Eat my pussy! Suck my dick!" He was also wearing a black shirt with the huge letters "NO BITCHASSNESS". I'm pretty sure I lost a bit of my mind witnessing this....or either the Diddy robot was malfunctioning again.

Besides for Diddy, we also saw Shawn Marion and Mo Vaughn.

Went to Mansion and saw Bob Sinclair and Fat Man scoop basically just tear the house down. When he played "World Hold On" it was a wrap. One of my greatest club moments.

There are so many stories I could go into. From turning the plane ride down into "Soul Plane" and clearing it of all liquor and booze, to almost getting arrested in a strip club for breaking into the owners office. Bottom line is this, if you have the chance to go to South Beach during the Winter Music Confrence, you must GO. The only thing is that it is really expensive down there.

3.27.08

There's a big question your going to have to answer. I know you don't like to think about it, but if you don't do it now, the decision will be out of your hands. I'm talking about cremation or burial. What do you want? You want to be burnt or buried. Hmmm....Has anyone else really thought about...I mean like really thought about it? Lets just say, that when you die you are fully aware of what's going on around you. Your like trapped in the body, your soul is enclosed in it. Do you really want to be buried and let the maggots eat at you? So your probably leaning towards cremation now. WEEEEELL. Lets say all this stuff is true, and Jesus will one day return and raise your body up from the dead to join your soul in heaven. If your burnt to a crisp and let some of your pothead friends smoke your ashes, how the hell can he do that? That is a task even to big for Jesus...he can only do beginners magic tricks like turning water to wine. So what is the correct answer? Mummification is a really great option. Keeps the body fresh in a tomb so the bugs don't get you. The best bet however is for the corpse to be shot into outer space in a rocket. Yup.

So I'm going away to South Beach for a couple of days. You know what they say... "What happens in South Beach doesn't stay in South Beach....it comes back with you and makes it burn when you urinate." Hey now.

3.24.08

Lets go back in time a little bit...I'm sure you remember the Chris Benoit tragedy. The professional wrestler who killed his wife and small boy. What ensued afterwards was every wrestler that ever stepped into a ring appearing on CNN and such and talking about it. Talking about how great of a guy Benoit was. Well let me tell you! They interviewed the wrong guys! Here is the Iron Sheik, and the most gangster man in the world New Jack. This must be seen to be believed. This video is pure insanity as they discuss the tragedy.

Easter

What the hell is Easter? Bunny rabbits, searching for eggs, and dudes coming back from the dead? What the hell kind of holiday is this? Where do the friggin bunnies fit in? More importantly, today is my birthday, woo-hoo. As you get older, birthdays become less and less fun...getting old sucks...sucks hard. Lets do some random rambles....

- "Yeah well...we were like on the boat and this 1,000 pound stingray just kind of jumped up on top of her and killed her." What a way to go. These damn stingrays man, first Steve Irwin and now this woman. They are offing us human beings left and right.

- I tried....I just can't get into this NCAA tournament. I am not, and can not become a fan of college sports. 

3.21.08

Ever wonder what some of your favorite cartoon characters would look like if they were human? Me either. Well here it is in all theyre glory. EWWWW. What in the blue hell?!  I've actually seen these people in my daily life. At first I thought Mario was a picture of the owner of this pizza place by my house. Homer looks a lot like that actor from "Sideways", if you just threw some hair on him.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Hes alive! I heard rumors about Chester Cheeta still being alive, but I did not believe them. Watch this commercial, not only is he "alive", but he has become a fucking demon! And on top of all that, look how badly he has aged. I guess he really wasn't shot to death outside of that strip club.

Ok seriously tho...thanks a lot for ruining my little thing I had going here on the blog. Thanks a lot you fucking marketing wizards at Cheetos! Couldn't you have used pregnant Britney Spears to promote your shit food?! See, I dug up one of the most obscure 90's "attitude" mascots I could think of, Chester, and had this whole little running joke of his death. BUT NOW...here he is back again, in these ads that are simply genius, and about to explode like the King from Burger King. Fuck you! I guess I got to take down my Chester R.I.P logo now.

3.16.08

Crazy straws! Who doesn't love crazy straws! We got a crazy wiggley one and two umm....is

 that? No way...

Is that two dicks?! Some woman is suing Wal Mart saying those straws resemble penises too much. Is she right? I dont really see what other object they could be trying to be.

The Count

3.15.08

If Pokemon were real...

I was thinking if Pokemon fighting was actually real. If it was real it would make dogfighting look like Barbie dolls. These animals, all they do, is fight. They are plucked out of the wild and forced to live inside tiny balls with no ventilation. You think kennels are bad? Try living in a ball that is not even as big as your body. A fucking tiny little ball! Shit. These monsters are only let out to fight and the fights are not even fair. At least a dog fights another dog. In Pokemon world, a tadpole made of ice might have to fight a giant fire breathing fucking dragon! C'mon now. Some tower over and outweigh by thousands. There are no weight divisions or regulations. Despite being treated like slaves... if they dare act up, they might be confined to that ballish prison forever.

I hear people wanting to ban Doom and stuff but Pokemon is the real monster to our youth. It promotes violence and the mistreating of animals. I don't even think Pokemon are fed. 

Making a Film...

FINALLY! Yes, I have finally filmed my first documentary. The project called for us to "dramatize a location". What basically happened is we freaked people out and got thrown out of a lot of places. Me and my partner originally started in a bowling alley. Instead of letting the action come to us we went fucking camera crazy swinging it about trying to capture every little thing. "Hurry to the left! That retard is trying to bowl! You got to film that!" So that did not turn on too well. We went in for a re-shoot but were kindly asked to leave. Plus I felt like some kind of sicko filming little kids playing video games while there parents watched on in concern. Plus the fact that my pants were around my ankles didn't help much. We then went and filmed in Pathmark, were every old fucking bag in the planet had to look directly into the camera and make ugly faces. One woman even stuck her tounge out at us. We were then tossed out of there. I swear, bring a camera in somewhere and your treated like Osama Bin Laden strapped with a bomb holding hands with Roger Clemens. So we finally settled on a library, which did not turn out as deathly boring as you might expect. I noticed a weird thing while in there tho. Not one person in the library was reading a book, everyone was on a computer.

3.10.08

Time for some Random Ramblin's!!! Spitting from the top of the dome here peeps...

- My birthday falls on Easter Sunday this year....does that make me the son of God or something?

- Oh boy, Daylight Savings time....I wanna find the douchebag who thought of this CRAZY fucking concept, fill up a forty ounce bottle with piss and shatter his fucking lips with it. What kind of crazy is this? My internal clock is all screwed up now and probably wont be right for like another 3-4 weeks. 

- The new lead singer of Blind Melon has a tattoo of the old dead lead singer on his back. Creepy. Do you really want that guy in your band? He might like skin you alive while your sleeping. Isn't this also the same exact plot in the Mark Wahlberg disaster called "Rock Star"?

- You gotta love these Sci-Fi made for television movies. "The Moth"! "Giant Lizard"! "Rock Man"! Who thinks of this crazy shit? Every movie is some giant monster or mutant going apeshit crazy.

- I know you probably don't watch the TV channel called G4. I started off as the "video game" channel but has just recently transformed into Japanese TV. Needless to say, it is now bad ass, airing some of the most wild Japanese game shows and such. I love them Japs!

- Once you go Mac you never go back. I must really say it. Having had my Apple MacBook for a long enough time now, I must say I can not ever see myself going back to windows. The interface on the Mac is just so much easier and enjoyable.

Who knows what F'N time!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUCK! Daylight savings time....fuck to you! My least favorite thing since terrorism and the WNBA is back yet again! Why in the bluest hell do we push it up an hour? Are we father fucking time for one day? It really peeves me more then anything ever. You have no idea. I will not adapt for like a week.

3.06.08

NOOOOOO! I'm having a seizure! GRRRRR! OWWWW! BARF! But seriously, this is the new Gnarls Barkley that has been BANNED from TV! They claim it will induce seizures. I took the chance. I watched it, and everything was fine until about 2:10. Then it got really crazy and honestly started to make me dizzy. I felt like throwing up a little bit too. No joke. These fuckn Gnarls Barkley douchebags almost gave me a seizure. This video gets a THUMBS DOWN!

3.5.08

Bad news...Patrick Swayze has 5 weeks to live. I have always liked him and enjoyed his work in The Outsiders, Ghost, and Donnie Darko. This is really a shame, no joke. He seemed like a genuinely good guy.

Random Thankin!!!!!!!!!!

"You need a steering wheel the way you ride my dick!"

Ok im a little drunk and about to give NEW meaning to the second R in the title of this blog...and thats Ramblin'! Im just gonna spit it from the dome here baby.

First things first. I remember watching some shit on the History Channel about lost Bible books or some shit. Well....one of them was actually the book of Judas. And apparently if you read this, it paints Judas as a completely different character. It doesnt show him as a dickhead backstabber, but rather someone that was actually told by Jesus to betray him. Hmmmm.... It seems Jesus wants a lot of things taken out from the Bible. All the facts about Judas and him fucking whores and making DaVinci or something...I didn't pay attention to that piece of SHIT movie. Oh and by the way, the Davinci Code is the word Apple. WTF?

A quick funny story. My grandma is widowed and has become the cats meow lately. She has one guy who hangs out with her on Thursdays and another who takes her out on Fridays. Anyway, I was watching some shitty CW11 show with her the other day and we were BS'in, and she starts talking about her men. Shes like,"I have one that comes and visits me thursday, and another on friday...I'm like a - what do they call those young girls now a days?" Lol. I have no idea what word she was thinking of, but I responded, "A whore?" LOL. We both had a good laugh on that one....apparently that wasn't the word she was looking for. Speaking of my grandma, she is 81 years old and I feel, more liberal then me.

The biggest question I have whenever i post something on this blog is not the content, incorrect spelling, or terrible grammar...but rather, what fucking color should I make the text.

Favre retired. I awarded him the "Epitome of Masculinity" award a while back here on the blog and I stick with it. No one else deserves it as much as him and he is a true class act. He will also go down as one of the best QB's ever without a DOUBT. If he runs into you and asks you to put on a cheesehead and some kneepads and blow him, you better drop to your knees and open your mouth Beatrice!

I was looking at my list of hottest chicks on here a while back. I definetly got to re-do it. I have Jennifer Love Hewitt on it who recently just turned into a fat ass. I got some newbies who just burst onto the scene too who deserve to be put on. Was I right about Hayden Pattentrie tho? When I put her on back then she was basically a nobody. Now she is a huge star.

And speaking of woman...if you find Paris Hilton attractive there is something wrong with you. First off she has a lazy eye which is very noticable. And on top of that I think that might she be bo-legged. AND ALSO her feet are about a size 18 and look like they belong to a fucking troll. If I saw her in person I would honestly spit in her food.

Im just jotting down the first thing that pops into my head without thinking twice or looking back. Thats how we are doing it right now.

Rap videos are pretty riddiculise...especially when they show what a "date" is. For instance in the video "Excuse Me Miss" by Jay-z lets go over a typical date with Jay.... First he FLYS a private helicopter around the Statue of Liberty. Not only does he own a helicopter which he knows how to fly, but he has permission from the government to fly that son of bitch around the statue of fucking liberty. How do they know he is not a terrorist? Then to top it all off, he lands in a private jet with his name across the side. After they leave the plane he shows her seven of some of the sickest cars. Each one of the cars has a custom license plate with a different day of the week. If you CAN NOT get laid after a date like that, you are the biggest loser on the planet.

My Tatts...

Well having posted the worst tattoo a couple of days ago, I thought I would post some of my own, which I consider to be the best. It doesn't matter that my body weight changes so much in the 2 pics, or the fact that I would have to have 2 backs, that not important...these are my tatts.

MJ At the Movies.

Well I saw the new Ferrell movie....."Semi Pro". It is typical Will Ferrell. If you seen Talladega Nights his character is more that then Anchorman. He is a likable idiot, but not an sex addict like his other films. Now heres what makes this film different from other Will Ferrell comedies. It is rated "R" and they don't hesitate to drop the "F" bomb. Some of the funniest parts are the unexpected times when they just yell "fuck." Another surprise...Ferrell is not the main character, the lead is actually Woody Harrelson. He has the love story, which is probably the dullest part of the movie. This movie is not as over the top as other Ferrell movies, and feels more like an old school legit sports movie. Overall, I liked it. I liked it better then Blades of Glory and Talladega Nights. It doesn't top Anchorman tho, which is genius.

3.3.08

This article....

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20080301/D8V4D90O0.html

Has just made me feel a whole lot better about myself. I admit, I'm lazy. I hate working more the anybody....I thought. This guy actually had a friend shoot him in the shoulder to get some time off and avoid taking a drug test. Now THAT is what I call being lazy.

3.2.08

That my friends is the WORST tattoo of all time. No doubt about it. Hand downs the UGLIEST thing I have ever seen. I would LOVE to see the guys reaction after getting that. You made this girl look like an old woman. It is wrong on so many levels, especially since it says "In Loving Memory", meaning the girl has probably passed away. I wonder if they gave him a discount or if it has since been removed. This also brings something up to me. I would be mad nervous to do a potrait tatt. Like someone actually knows that person, and if you mess up the slightest, you will probably get shit for it.