4.28.09

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NES Classics - Bible Adventures

NES Classics - Bible Adventures

Oh shit.... a game based on religion so bad it would have turned Jesus H. Christ into an atheist. Did you know the H. in his name stood for Harry? Don't quote me on that because I am lying.

This was actually a gift given to me by my Aunt. Where she purchased this game I have no idea. First off the cartridge is oddly shaped from regular Nintendo games and it also does not contain the Official Nintendo stamp of approval. I think its safe to assume that this was a bootleg with the proceeds going to some Terror Facility in the Middle East.

The game is split into 3 different sub games. My recollection of the Bible is not as good as it once was, so forgive me if I butcher names and what not. The first game you played as Noah, and had to bring 2 of each set of animal onto your arc. Playing this game was probably harder then the actual shit Noah went thru. You pick up a sheep and then a millisecond later it runs out of grip all the way to the beginning of the level. You have to do this about 30 times before you finally get it onto the arc. In order to get the animal to stay on the arc you have to launch it 30 feet into the air into unconsciousness or simply beat it into a coma. I'm not joking either. I played this game for a total of 5 minutes before praying that God would send another flood.

The next game used basically the same engine except instead of throwing sheep and other animals, you were launching baby Jesus around. I'm not too sure what story this game is based on, but its apparently the one where Mary is running from Soldiers and her only option is to launch Baby Jesus over a River. Thinking back maybe it wasn't Baby Jesus but someone else. The other two games are based on Old Testament stories so maybe this one was too.... Maybe this game was made by the *Gasp* by the Jews!!!!!

The final game is the one I spent entirely too much time playing. It was based on the story of David vs. Goliath. You played as David traveling up huge mountains and at the very end you would finally confront the Giant Goliath. It became an obsession of mine to get to Goliath, but the game was so friggin hard. How could the graphical processing power of the Nintendo video game console reproduce a giant? Did they even have enough pixels? I needed to know. I was tempted to find out I almost loaded the game up to my Game Genie and used cheat codes, but then I figured that was probably a moral sin. I could imagine arriving at the gates of Heaven only to have God say, "You used the Game Genie on my video game you mother fucker?!"

Tyson

First off this review might be somewhat biased as I am a huge Tyson fan and find him to be one of the more interesting characters walking the earth. I feel he is a deeply conflicted man who has a basically pure spirit but is corrupted by the people and society around him. He is far from a saint, and is the first to admit it. He has MANY faults but is man enough to admit them and attempt to change.

This film is not your typical documentary. It is more of a bibliography as it is told entirely in the words of Mike Tyson. There is no other narrator or anyone asking the questions. Its Tyson's story of his life in his own words. Now you might think a problem might arise from this but it doesn't. Tyson is not biased and tells it like it is... he is brutally honest. He tells both sides of the story and there is really not even the need for additional interviews from his opponents or what not.

You also might think that a story told entirely by Tyson might not be all that interesting... you might assume he's not exactly the best narrator. This is wrong too. Tyson is actually pretty intelligent and speaks using very colorful language. He's great in one liners and there are many sayings he delivers that you will find yourself repeating. He also uses quite a large arsenal of vocabulary. (Although he does sometimes mispronounce some of the larger words but that adds to the charm)

This is one of the better documentaries I have seen and is so gripping that anyone, fan of boxing, Tyson, or not will enjoy immensely. My one complaint is the length of the film.... it clocks in too short for my liking at an hour and 30 minutes. There is some additional amazing footage that I have seen of Tyson that I felt should have been included. Some of the stories I also which would have been expanded on. I honestly could have continued watching this film for another 2 hours, and I hope a DVD version is released packed with additional footage.

600th Post Extravaganza!

Wow this is the 600th post on this blog. And to think I just started this one day to tell my story of witnessing a Walrus jerk off at the aquarium. Actually I take that back... The first post here was me moaning about the Met's losing (surprise surprise). For a post of this magnitude I needed a really good pic up on top, and it does not get much better then that one of current day Captain Planet up above.

I was at the Hard Rock casino in Florida 2 days ago. When you win from a slot machine you are given a receipt with the amount which you cash in at a desk. So I'm in line waiting to cash in and this lady is in front of me..... no joke... she was chasing in a receipt for $0.05! 5 friggin cents! This lady walked all the way to the back of the casino to cash in 5 cents. When she handed it to the woman behind the desk, the woman asked if she wanted a nickle.... "No, all in pennies." This lady wanted 5 friggin pennies! What in the blue hell did she need 5 pennies for? I understand we are in a recession but come on now.

4.16.09

So I just got back from my first expedition to Shea Stadium #2 (Citi  Field). While I was sitting and watching the game while eating fried calamari it hit me that this is a whole new ballpark. Citi Field is basically the anti Shea. Shea was a place where you wanted to be sitting in your seat. When you had to get a snack you would rush as soon as possible through the dark tunnels, with only the sounds of the audience to tell you what was happening. In New Shea you never want to be in your seat. You want to be walking around, eating this, looking at this, standing by this bar, standing in the coke area, talking that shit. You can see the game perfectly from no matter where you are, and there are huge open areas with tables and the such for hanging out.

Eating at old Shea was not encouraged. It was the last option for someone dying of starvation. At New Shea eating is the primary goal. Its like being in a giant food court with baseball being played in the background. I must have gained 5 pounds in this one night. Heres a list of what I ate...

slice of Pepperoni Pizza - much better then it should have been. I could've told you it was from a regular pizza place and you wouldnt think twice

Grandma slice on whole wheat - really good. One of the better foods.

Fried Calamari - actually not bad... a little spicy but enjoyable

Shrimp sandwich - my friend had this and I took a bite. Don't get this.

Pulled Pork Sandwich - Really good.

Spare Ribs - Probably the best thing to get.

Overall the new stadium is amazing, and people complaining about it are just people who love to complain. Its much more of a party atmosphere and not a hardcore baseball stadium like Shea was.... it also doesn't have the character of Shea and I dont really see it ever gaining that.

2009 Most Dangerous Cities

Here is the list...


1 New Orleans, LA
2 Camden, NJ
3 Detroit, MI
4 St. Louis, MO
5 Oakland, CA
6 Flint, MI
7 Gary, IN
8 Birmingham, AL
9 Richmond, CA
10 North Charleston, SC
11 Cleveland, OH
12 Baltimore, MD
13 Miami Gardens, FL
14 Memphis, TN
15 Youngstown, OH
16 Atlanta, GA
17 Compton, CA
18 Orlando, FL
19 Little Rock, AR
20 Minneapolis, MN
21 Washington, DC
22 Philadelphia, PA
23 Jackson, MS
24 Newark, NJ
25 Milwaukee, WI

The Easter

My religious prowess might not be the best, as my catholic school teachings have become fuzzy and my knowledge of religion primarily comes from "God vs. Satan" on the History Channel.... BUT.... isn't Easter the day Jesus essentially became a zombie? So then why in the hell is it all about eggs and bunnies? Who thought of this shit?

Well thanks to the power of the Google we now finally know the answer... it came from the Germans and is basically the same shit as Santa. You leave a basket out at night and a human form rabbit comes and if you been good, gives you his unborn children. And if you were bad? He sends you a link to "2 Girls 1 Cup" via e-mail.

4.11.09

The Winner of best Aprils Fool Day Joke goes to "Nine Inch Nails" and their Timbaland produced album, "Strobe Light". The thing that killed me is a song on the tracklist...

2. everybody's doing it (featuring chris martin, jay-z AND bono)

Ha Ha... I love how the "AND" is in all caps. AND fuckin' Bono. Here is the link for your viewing pleasure...

http://www.nin.com/pub/strobelight/

4/10/09

http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/220762

The new South Park was amazing and you can watch it up above. Basically its about Kanye West being a gay fish. In the episode Kanyes entourage looks and dresses pretty out there and flamboyant... one might say gay. Well the outfits are actually exact from this picture....







The Rat Pack they certainly are not.

4.9.09

What kind of weird midget child hybrid is this? Look at the guys reaction in the back.

Loopt iPhone Commercial

What the fuck has happened to privacy in this country?! Why does everyone always have to be in everyone else's fucking business. Every new device or fad seems aimed at the nosey people and stalkers.

This one above might be the worst. A GPS system for people. I swear to God I should have been born in a different era. I don't like this current society and where it is heading.

A Weird And "Evil" Commercial

Another awesome Japanese commercial. In Japan there are no copyright laws apparently.

Funny Japanese commercial

Scary

4.5.09

What in the blue hell is "Twitter"?! Is "Twitter" the new slang for female masturbation? Everywhere I turn there is talk about this person tweeting and this other person even tweeting every minute. Even celebrities and athletes have begun tweeting... and on this NBA game they are talking about Shaq giving a tweet to mark Cuban. Huh?!

Mets opening day tomorrow. Goodbye Shea Stadium and hello Shea Stadium. I don't give a fuck, the words "Citi Field" will never be uttered by me. The god damn Mets play in the god damn Shea Stadium and thats the way it will and always will be.  This Citi corporation is losing money out the ass and probably wont even be able to pay for the name rights come next year. I say when they lose the rights we rename it to "Recession Field". "I'm going to Recession Field to watch the Mets play".

4.5.09

Man.... Robin Williams has really aged pretty poorly.

4.1.09

I want this hat... Its based on Lucha Libre masks... I think its only in Japan tho

4.1.09

Well I'm in jail. Apparently there are rules as to what you can and can't do for Aprils Fool Day. You are apparently not allowed to run into a airport dressed as a bearded Arab with a bomb strapped to his chest and scream "Jihad!". I yelled "April Fools!" like six times after the initial panic but I was still detained. Fuck this communist country... home of the free my ass!

Apparently a copy of the new "Wolverine" movie has leaked on the net a whole month before its theatrical release. That bad bizness right there. How do you let an uncompleted print of one of your companies biggest films get leaked that early? Early buzz is saying it is the suck and comparing it to the Ratner "X3".... thats bad. I hope this movie flops like all hell and makes "The Watchmen" look like a cash cow. I want this to be the final steak into the heart of superhero films. I'm so sick of these garbage films.... what happened to the days of Arnie, Stallone, and other roided freaks blowing shit up being the blockbusters? We transitioned from machismo gun fighting to superheroes. 

I sense another change coming soon. I feel the medium of comic books has just about been all tapped out... its time to draw inspiration from a new medium... But what? What is one of the most lucrative entertainment businesses with a built in fan base that shits all over comic book geeks? Why it would be video games. Video Game movies have long been taken as a joke handed off to god awful directors like Uwe Boll. As soon as a decent director takes on a well known franchise (Halo, Gears of War, Metal Gear Solid), you will see box office gold.

I always dreamed of making a Twisted Metal movie. Maybe the ship has sailed on that idea, as it would have been ideal to do around the time of "Fast and Furious", also when the franchise still had relevance. A tournament of hooked up cars with gun turrets strapped on the front roaming through a Gotham like city blowing up everything and everyone... and on top of that the people in the cars are interesting... like a serial killer clown.  I still think with a good trailer and at least one good actor this movie can make money. You have big action, cool cars, and superhero esque villians. The formula seems too good.

I love this 2 hour break I have in school... actually I hate it. I'm bored as all hell. Speaking of video game movies who remembers the "Super Mario Brothers" movie. Holy shit... that was the reason drugs were invented. I could imagine being told by a studio to write a screenplay for a live action Mario Brothers film... How the fuck? The story was actually clever... real clever. Someone wrote the shit out of that story to make something that made some sense...

How would I do a live action Mario film. I would actually make it a quirky art film. Mario would be a poor plumber living in a tight Brooklyn apartment with Luigi. He would be infatuated with a local girl named Daisy, and constantly berated by his evil boss, Mr. Cooper. He is timid and shy and afraid to go for the girl and stand up for himself. In his spare time he would draw comics in which he is "Super Mario" and saves the Princess Peach from the evil King Koopa. The film would jump between real time and this fantasy dreamworld of Mario's. Doing this comic would actually help Mario as a person and in the end he would stand up for himself and get the girl in both fantasy and reality. Thats just my take on it...