The Bible is Nuts! #2

Getting "Stoned"

Ok..so we heard about King Slongomon. But that is not the only story in the bible that is fucking nuts. I tend to find that the Old Testament is a lot more stuffed with the crazy. This is another Old Testament story, which I don't remeber so fondly, so forgive me if some details are off. Anywhoo, God appears to a village, and anybody thats anybody knows, one does not look directly at God. So God appears and says, "Mother Fucker, look at me and I'll turn you to stone!" So everyone runs and doesn't turn back, but leave it to one dumb bitch to test Yaweh. She turns around and finds out God's pimp hand is way strong the hard way. Yup..God turns some innoncent women into stone for the rest of eternity, only because she looked at him. This bitch is still a statue somewhere. Do you really think that God forgives your sins because you say 5 bullshit Hail Marys? Hell No! He turned a bitch to stone for looking at him! All that forgiveness shit is made up by Jesus.

Making a Film pt.1

Making a Film part 1
Ok...heres the deal..I have just begun the serious "pre-production" on my film, "Found". This is what I love doing in life and this is honestly my dream. But let me tell you now, making a film is a lot of hard work. If you seriously want to make a film, you must realize you are going to have to invest a lot of time and money. Also, be prepared to be on people's balls all the time and be prepared for some arguments. Now my role exactly is Writer/Director/Producer. I have another director and producer on my team, but I am the one who wrote the script. My script had to be subjected to criticism and I'm already on my fourth draft. As for money, I already dropped 3 thousand on a camera and I still got to chip in on lighting and sound. Right now where in "pre-production", meaning we are doing a shot list and storyboard, then its location scouting and casting, hopefully begin actual shooting in late August-early September. You have to write out every single shot in a film. Think for a sec how many shots are in a film. We are only doing a 12 minute short and it is already a major pain in the ass. I will update this blog more as we progress...

Worst Things Ever!

Some of my least favorite things in no particular order:

- Daylight Savings Time
- The WNBA
- Princess Diana
- Lack of air conditioning
- The San Antonio Spurs
- Harry Potter
- The Olympics
- The new Die Hard
- Paris Hilton
- Fat, ugly lesbians (femminists)
- Dr. Phil
- Terrorists
- Star Jones
- F.C.C
- Roger Clemens
- MySpace
- Herm Edwards
- Anna Nicole Smith
- Stephen King
- Fred Durst
- Men who wear flip-flops
- Mosquitoes
- Tiny dogs people carry around
- Paula Abdul
- College
- Fraternities
- People who love waking up early in the morning
- Dumb Christians who believe everything literally in the Bible

- People who are too scared to try and live out their dreams and knock you for trying

- Cockroaches

- White trash people addicted to Meth

- Pretty much the whole cast of the current SNL

7.25.07

I just stumbeled across this picture of me and some crazy at the Halloween parade in the city. Im the one in the red...HA HA. But seriously, I couldn't tell if that thing was a boy or a girl. It was wearing a shirt that said "Spoiled Little Brat" and it danced around like in was on ecstasy. Let me tell you something, if you love fucking crazies, then the Halloween parade is the place for you. It was a good thing I put a bottle of Brandy in me beforehand so that I could fit in better. If your not a crazy, you better drink or do some kind of drug, because the crazies will be able to sniff out your lack of insanity. There were also nutjobs holding signs about Jesus trying to preach. I saw a group of gay guys dressed up as tooth fairys actually rip this guy apart with their bare hands.

7.23.07

I have never read a single line of a Harry Potter book. I have never seen a single minute of a Harry Potter movie. I am very proud of this fact and want to keep it that way. I try to distance myself from it, but now I'm hearing that the new book sold like a billion copies in half a second. So I think its time for me to comment for the first and last time on Harry Potter. Fuck Harry Potter. I don't know shit about it, and I dont want to know. All I know is I would give it to the chick named "Hermaphodite" or whatever. And I also heard that the chick who wrote these books used to be a crackhead hooker. Thats not even a joke. I heard she really was a crackhead hooker...and now shes the richest women in the world, for writing a bunch of fucking childrens wizards books. "But MJ, they are well written so that all ages can enjoy." Fuck that. I don't like elves, and wizards, and gnomes and fairies or any of that shit. I don't know why the world has such a hard on for this stuff, between this and Lord of the Rings. Abd heres my stance on Lord of the Rings....They are good movies...HOWEVER...after I saw them I said, "That was a good movie, but I never want to see or talk about them ever again." And thats that.

A quick Harry Potter story. One of my friends is a compulsive liar, and we know it. He lies about the smallest stupidest things. Now lets travel back in time to when the first Harry Potter book came out. Im in the car with the liar and my other friend, and their talking about that crap book. The liar claims he has read it, and for some reason, I can tell he is lying. So I chime in with a question for him, "Hey, who's the main character of "Harry Potter"?" He looks at me and all of a sudden becomes very angry and defensive, "I don't fucking remeber that shit!"

BTW for those of you with Showtime on Demand check out "The Shining". Nicholson gives one of my all time favorite acting performances.

Getting Poisoned.

So I'm working construction on a famous Hollywood actors house in the Hamptons. (Heres a hint, he was the lead actor in a HUGE film were he killed a shark.) Im told to go up into the attic with one of the mexican workers and start putting up insulation. So me and him go up there shirtless with no protection and start rolling around in the insulant like we were on fire. As we continue this I realize my eyes are burning and I'm starting to become itchy. I look over to him and ask him if we should wear a mask or something and he goes, "No, No, No." So we continue on until I begin coughing uncontrollably and dry heaving in the corner. I look at my arms and they have rashes on them now. His arms too are rashed up. At this point I say fuck this and go get us some masks. The funny thing is the guy refuses to even point the mask on and I have to force him too. We finally finish and walk out of the house like Night of the Living Dead. We make it about four steps until he drops down next to me dead.

6.20.07

My interview with "Sonic the Hedgehog"

Q: Sonic, can you describe Dr.Robotnik with one word?

A: Well that depends if you consider Mother-Fucker one word.

Q: What have you been up to since your last game?

A: You know a spot where I can get some pussy? I'm horny as a mother fucker. And you got a number I can call to get some nose candy?

(How this idea came about: I was playing Sonic the Hedgehog recently. The idea is basically this, Dr.Robotnik is the main bad guy and he takes cute little furry animals and traps them in a robotic body. So like a cute little rooster becomes a big mean robotic rooster. That didn't really bother me much. It was however, when I destroyed a giant robotic worm and a little bird flew out that I had to proclaim, "Dr.Robotnik is a mother fucker!" He won't even give the bird a god damn robot bird body. He makes him a fucking worm?! Fuck him.)

Snake Lady

I was debating if I should write this story. You see, the image I saw that night has forever been burned into my memory, and I thought words simply could not do it justice. I was waiting to hopefully find a picture of this oddity on the internet, but then I realized she is not allowed to be photographed. This is the story of the Black Snake Woman. One of the few remaining wonders of this world.
Me and my friend were at one of those annoying street feasts. They are nothing more then a haven for carnies and sexual predators. And there is nothing I hate more then gypsy fucking carnies. I spot a building which has paintings all across the side and says, "COME SEE THE SNAKE WOMAN". Then there is a painting of some hot topless white chick with a snake tail for the lower half. That really didn't matter to me, she still had a mouth didn't she? Its 3 bucks to enter, and I figure even if it really isn't a snake/human hybrid at least I'll see some boobies. Working this "ride" were some black Africans who probably just cut off someones hand for a blood diamond. Bling Bang! We hand him the money and cautiously walk in.
Now here is a explanation of what it actually was, and this is the God's honest truth. It was a black woman standing in a pit with a tire around her neck, and mirrors around every side of her, so it appeared as if she had no body. She was also wearing sunglasses and had absolutely no expression on her face, I wasn't even sure if she was breathing. I debated with my friend if it was actually a real life person or just a dummy. So I decided to become a heckler to try to get a reaction. "How the hell did you get those glasses on? You don't even have any arms!" Nothing. I tried another joke and then resorted to yelling, "Say something bitch!" I couldn't get a reaction for nothing. There was now a crowd of us standing outside the fence peering in, making lewd comments and jokes. My friend pulls out his cellphone and goes to take a picture when of all sudden the woman lets out a huge yell..."NOOOOOOOO PICTURES!" It actually scared the shit out of me. The black guy then came running in at top speeds holding a machete and actually forced my friend to delete the picture. The world was not ready to see this miracle, and looking back on it, I'm actually glad he did erase it. He did us all a favor.

7.15.07

Here are some of my favorite things I thought I should share with you:
http://jacksplash.ytmnd.com/
http://bushes.ytmnd.com/
http://denzelsmoothjazz.ytmnd.com/
http://fire-hose.ytmnd.com/
http://nickelbackracist.ytmnd.com/
http://spartaisoutrageous.ytmnd.com/
http://catistrulyoutrageous.ytmnd.com/
http://shamepicard.ytmnd.com/
http://heresmyinvitation.ytmnd.com/

The Seven Mexican Dwarfs

(This post has been racist approved)I work on a construction site now, and I supervise these 7 Mexican guys. I like to call them my "Seven Mexican Dwarfs". I even gave them names like Sleezy, Greasy, Lazy, Stinky, Hairy, Mustachey, and Jose. I force them to sing along to "Whistle while you work". I sing out the part, "whistle while you work", and they have to whistle accordingly in rhythm or I whip their back with my black Dickies belt. I'm just kidding people! It's not a Dickies belt...Honestly tho, NO ONE works harder then these guys and a bunch of white guys wouldn't do half a good a job and complain. It actually bothers me that workers as skilled as them are being passed up for jobs just because of where they were born or come from. They aren't bitter tho. I was talking to them about this. What they do is like 7 of them come from Mexico and get a house together, so the rent is cheap. They then work here for a couple of years and return to Mexico. The money they make here translates to a lot more over there and they can live comfortably. People like to knock them, but respect has to be given to anybody that works hard for their money.

Fourth of July!

Ok so I'm watching my new favorite channel, National Geographic. They have a show called "Is It Real?", and this week they were talking about bigfoot. Apparently, there is this Russian guy who has a human father and a bigfoot mother. Hmmm...A guy fucked a bigfoot?! Anyway, this guy is now a half breed. So you ask, what does a half human, half bigfoot look like. If you guessed Kramer then you are correct.

Wow...I totally forgot that it is the fourth of July. I guess the fact that its on a Wednesday this year kind of ruins it. I think also the fact that the weather sucks and that its raining might add to it, and that everyone has work tommorrow. Or maybe its the fact that people hate America now. All I know is I had nothing left in the tank to celebrate, seeing how I went balls to the wall for Canada Day.

7.2.07