4.30.08

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/04/29/7-year-old-car-thief-its_n_99178.html


Ha Ha! Check out this 7 year old kid...he carjacked his grandmas car, and boy does this kid have some quotable.

He called over his other 7 year old friend to joyride with him cause, "he smokes with cigarettes."

"Its fun to do bad things and drive into a car."

I also love when the interviewer asks, "Did you know you could perhaps kill somebody?"
To which my little homie responds, "Yes, but I wanted to do hood rat stuff with my friend."

And what does he feel his punishment should be...."No video games for a WHOLE weekend."

They gotta stop making these Grand Theft Auto games I tell ya!

4.28.08

HA HA HA! Can you really believe the New York post? "MILEY

'S SHAME!" This story really needs to be on the front page of the paper? Is this really that important? Maybe I'm just a little too liberal and edgy, but that picture doesn't exactly spell controversy to me. Ok...shes 15...big deal. Go watch old home videos of me at 15...spread eagle and jerking it in public. Its just what teenagers do Mr. New York Post! I also love how the inside headline reads, "Baring her torment."  LoL. Jesus dying on the cross was torment....showing your shoulder in a magazine is not torment. Lets

 take a closer look at the pic in question...

Oh My God! To me that pic looks like an Afghanie refugee who got a hold of too much Kool-Aid. Don't believe me....Take a look at this pic from National Geographic...

4.26.08

NOOOOOOO! I have lost all respect for Dwayne Wade... He is apparently now dating that chupacabbra Star Jones. First off she is 46 and he is 26. Number 2 she is the most annoying and ugliest person on the planet earth. Number 3, he makes more money then her. I rather shove my dick in a bin of acid then inside her. WOW. If Wade came out and said he was gay and dating Charles Barkley I would have more respect. Im a lot more angry at this news then I should be being a straight male. What are you doing D-Wade?! Is this what finishing the worst in the NBA leads too?

4.23.08

There is a reason why I don't watch American Idol, and this is it. What in the BLUE hell?! This is the type of shit they do on that show? I was expecting Michael Jackson and Father Mauer to pop out. Yup.... Father Mauer is a real priest from my elementary school who was outed as a child molesster. You wanna fuck with kids, I'm going to name drop you mother fucker. FATHER MAUER.

4.22.08

I just got back from the "Tim and Eric Awesome Tour 2008". if you are unfamiliar with the "Tim and Eric" show on Adult Swim, you should probably stop reading this, as it will bore you to tears. So how was it?  I thought it was very good and worth the 20 bucks....BUT....you knew I had to throw that in there, there has to be 2 sides to every coin. The show featured a lot of video clips from the upcoming season 3. While they were funny, I didn't come to the city to watch television. There were about 4 live performances, I think 3 were songs and one was a karate demonstration. These were good but there wasn't enough live stuff...I guess mainly because of the elaborate costumes. Another disappointment was the lack of guests. Some of the funnies stuff on the show is done by the other "actors". Now I wasn't expecting John C. Reily, but the other unknowns could've appeared, what better thing did they have to do? Cash in welfare checks? However, everyone appeared via television screen. Bottom line is this....I recommend going to see it, just don't pay a crazy amount, no more then 30 bucks I say. And make sure to drink or smoke some pot before you go....it should actually advise that on the ticket.

And speaking of them....I was talking to my friend about where they can go from the show. The show runs 11 minutes, and shouldn't be any longer. Could they make the jump to movies? i always said no. However, thinking about it now..."Beaver Boys" could possibly be turned into a feature, just as long as it is not too similar to "Night at the Roxbury".

4.20.08

Dude its like 4:20...time to smoke pot dude! Fuck that. True potheads don't celebrate 4/20, everyday is 4/20. 4/20 is for casual smokers, not addicts. This is not what I want to talk about however.....I think its time to officially quit smoking cigarettes. Why? Its not about my health, and it damn sure ain't those Truth dot com commercials....they are raising cigarette prices to 9 dollars! What?! That is crack prices! I refused to get ripped off....so all you big tobacco companies...I'm done. Your product ain't that good. If you pay 9 bucks for a pack of cigs you are a sucker.

Biggie...

Biggie Smalls is one of the greatest rappers alive. I don't think anyone can really make an argument otherwise. As good as he was, he did say some really fucked up things. Some CRAZY things, some really crazy things. Quite possibly some of the craziest things ever said in rap. From gruesome rape on children, to punching pregnant women, to performing oral on men. Biggie said some fucked up shit. Here are some of the most memorable...

"You looked so good I suck on your daddy's dick."

"Don't you know my nigga Gutta fuckin' kidnap kids?

Fuck em in the ass, throw them over the bridge."

"At my arraignment, note for the plantiff,

Your daughters tied up in a Brooklyn basement,

Face it not guilty, thats how I stay filthy."

"Hail Mary full of grace...smack the bitch in the face,

take the Gucci bag and the North Face,

off her back, jab her if she act."

"I got a bitch to suck my dick until i nut,

spit it on my gut and slurp that shit back up,

ain't that a slut, she even take it in the butt,

fuck for about an hour now she want a golden shower."

"Sucked all day, smoking blunts, counting cheese,

fucking bitches till they assholes bleed."

"I like em cute, round tits and fat asses,

Educated...so I can bust up on they glasses."

"I wouldn't give a fuck if your pregnant,

give me the baby rings and the #1 mom pendant."

"Electrical tape around your daughter, slaughter."

"When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell,

Cause Im a piece of shit, it aint hard to fucking tell."

"I sticking ice picks on the tip of your dick,

give your testicals a swift kick."

"Hit you with the dick, make your kidneys shift."

TV

What are the greatest shows to ever grace a television set? Hmmm... great question myself. For my money, here are my picks.

The Twilight Zone - simply genius and way ahead of its time. Great twists and pretty good effects for the time period.

The Sopranos - Greatest written show on television. This show was a 101 course on character development. I can't recall anything with such such fleshed out and deep characters. Simply amazing, my favorite ever.

Seinfeld - Who honestly does not like this show? Greatest sitcom comedy, no question about it.

Quantum Leap - A throwback and a show I love. I like that its episodic and the main character has such strong morals...its a family show but not so cookie cutter that it makes you vomit.

X-Files - The best sci-fi show on the air. I also like that the majority of it is episodic.

South Park - Yeah it got big and then kind of lost steam and got lame, but this is the funniest adult cartoon on the air. I'm sorry Simpsons and Family Guy, but you ain't got shit on South Park.

Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Genius. Watch this next season...I'm predicting that this show is about to BLOW up huge.

Chapelles Show - Classic. A shame it ended so soon. I credit this show for opening peoples eyes to true comedy and basically killing off SNL.

Inside the NFL - A real shame that this got canceled. No show had such great chemistry between the hosts as this.

Entourage - It might have lost steam recently, but the first season was amazing.

Johnny Bravo - I fucking love this cartoon.

Pop Up Video - I swear to God, I could watch this for days on ends.

Salute Your Shorts - When I was a kid this was my shit. Wow. Donkey Lips. What a great show, kids don't have it like this anymore, now all they have is Hannah Montana.

Law and Order INVASION!

So yeah "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" came, filmed, and fucked up my house. The prop guys arrived at about 11 AM. They then proceeded to move all the furniture out of my Aunts apartment and moved "Santana's" stuff. And since they were going on Latino stereotypes, his furniture consisted strictly of statues and paintings of Jesus. Also included was "weed" and "coke". I was shocked they didn't bring some leopard print bed sheets. They then removed the door to the apartment, and replaced it with a trick one the big guy above would later kick in.

So these dudes left and there was calm for like a hour, until about 50 dudes came with the actors. Now it was around 7 PM and they started installing lights everywhere until my house looked like Shea. At this time I went to the catering table with my friend and acted like two homeless guys with tapeworms at a buffet. "Juicy Fruit?! Oh Shit! Put it in your pockets man! Fucking Juicy Fruit!" Returned back to the house and watched this dude kick the door down 3 times, then drag Santana out of bed, then drive him to Shea to pitch for the Mets. I kid. So yeah...they wrapped up about 9 PM. Heres the best part tho...this scene is going to be about 3 minutes of the episode. They were at my friggin house from 11 AM to 9 PM for 3 damn minutes?! It was not glamorous at all...if these guys come to your house and ask to film, tell them to fuck off. I saw one of the actors....I don't want to name names....urinate on my Aunt's dishes  that she just cleaned in the sink. He then went threw her kitchen drawers and proceeded to lick down every eating utensil. What? Spread that one around Perez Hilton, you fat gay white Oprah. Seriously tho, the staff and cast were very friendly and down to earth.

Raccoon stealing a floormat

This son of the bitch....stealing doormats! I personally love raccoons and wouldn't mind one as a pet, despite them seeming like the dumbest animals on the planet. These bastards were made to burgle, born with that classic burglars mask.

4.8.08

HA HA HA. That really does look like Dr.Phil. It looks like him a lot. A LOT. Shit....maybe he actually is a Walrus dressed up in disguise as a human asshole. There is a whole website with thousands of these. These are the only two I found somewhat funny. I don't understand why animals speak such broken english tho.

MJ at the Theatre...

I'm not a big Broadway guy....I've only seen "Movin' Out" until today. I just saw Mel Brooks "Young Frankenstein". I must say, I was surprised by the thousands upon thousands of sexual innuendos. Every other joke was something about penis size or humping all night. Hell, at one point an actor even dropped the F-Bomb. This play is rated "R" for raunchy.  Overall, I thought it was really good, besides for the dumb fact that they broke into song every couple of minutes. It kind of made it hard to follow the story. And that is probably where the plays biggest flaw lies. The pyrotechnics and stage design were amazing....its just that the songs were not too memorable or catchy.

Which got me to thinking. That "South Park" movie that came out had some of the best songs I've heard. From "Blame Canada" to "Uncle Fucker". Someone really needs to turn that into a play, or have Matt Parker and Trey Stone write a new one. Ahh fuck...those Law and Order idiots are coming tomorrow morning to film.

Law and Order

Law and Order has invaded my home! I walked in on Thursday and saw this guy scouting out my hallway and my Aunts apartment taking pictures. He said he worked for "Law and Order" and was going to show the director three different apartments to choose from for a scene. Well lucky us....Today; about 20 people showed up and started creating mayhem. Our house has been chosen. My aunt is receiving $2,000 to allow these nutjobs to move everything out of her apartment and to also take down her front door and put up a new one. Apparently the door is to broken down by gun wielding men....not the first time this has happened in my house. I have never seen one single episode of the show and could care less, I do not know one single actor on the show either....I'm not a big television series watcher. If they were looking to film Sopranos here however, I would let them blow the damn house up. Another funny thing...my dad goes up to one of the guys and says, "You better put me in this show." Why would they put you in it? Why must you be put in?

Fairy Tales are FUCKED UP!

Wanna know how to screw up your child's precious little minds for the rest of their lives? Just tell them Fairy Tales. It doesn't even really matter which one, as they are all equally scary and sadistic. Don't believe me?

Lets look at Rumplestillskin. This is probably the most horrific story I ever heard. First off this woman is locked in a room, basically a sweatshop, and is not allowed to leave until she turns hey into fucking gold! Thats not even possible! At least all these kids have to do is sew a couple of Nike checks on a shoe and they can leave. Imagine someone locking you in a room and not allowing you to leave until you performed something impossible. So all of a sudden this demon/troll/gnome appears and makes a deal with her. He wants to take her baby. Why the hell does this dwarf want a baby?! Is he going to eat it? Is he a child molester? Any the only way to get the child back is by guessing his name? What the hell kind of messed up story is this? What lesson is to be learned here?!

Thats not the only one. What about Hansel and Gretel? Some old woman cannibal living in the woods literally tries to cook them alive and eat them. I don't know about you but that left a bad lasting image on me as a kid. Don't wander off in the woods because they're are old cannibals living there.

There's even more...Little Red Riding Hood. Her grandmother is eaten by a wolf who then dresses up in her bloody clothes and poses as her. What?! And I'm pretty sure the whole lesson of The Gingerbread Man was to "Not Trust Anyone". The verdict is this...FUCK FAIRY TALES!

4.2.08

Wow. Rock of Love and Flavor of Love are setting woman's rights back about 100 years. I can not believe how these girls act on these shows, it is like watching a car wreck. I really don't know how I feel about them, if I enjoy them or loathe them. I still feel the best of all these "dating" shows is "I Love New York". The worst, is hands down without a doubt, "Tila Tequila". God damn I hate that little dwarf Gizmo looking Asian with terrible tattoos.

Ok your probably wondering what's up with these ad's. Listen, I need to make some money here. I've been blogging this shit for free too long now. By putting these ads up here on the blog, I can make some money every time someone stops by. Besides, don't you want some Beyonce ringtones?! Oh and by the way it is April Fools.