The Sickest Joke

(Note: I came up with the title while writing this and really liked it. Wouldn't you want to see a movie named "The Sickest Joke"? It sounds like the name of a Goosebumps book. On the cover is a kid laying in a hospital bed on life support and outside his door is a young boy and girl giggling. R.L Stein if your reading...)

Something really weird on the Netlix Instant Que...

I added the Marlon Brando film, "A Streetcar Named Desire". I figured since "On The Waterfront" is one of my faves, I should really finally see this classic. So I fired up the popcorn, fired up the pot, took a seat on the couch and got ready to enjoy.

It begins in crisp color. Hmmm.. Now where in Northern Afghanistan with a archeologist digging threw some dirt. He finds a bizarre demon relic. This is pretty odd. Not what I expected from "...Desire". They are talking about evil now... this reminds me a lot of "The Exorcist". I stop it to make sure I didn't select the wrong film.... It claims to be "A Streetcar Named Desire". The description reads; "Girl meets Brando in New Orleans". So I replay it. Same professor now being assaulted by terrorists. Now I'm thinking, "Fuck I'm high." Finally after about the first ten minutes I realize this is definitely "The Exorcist". What kind of sick fucking joke is this Netflix?! I can picture dumbasses (spellcheck suggest I replace this with embassies) telling they're friends, "Dude you got to see "A Streetcar named Desire", its scary as shit!" Go on your Netflix and check it out if they have not already fixed it.

BTW: Did the makers of the Ouija board luck out by "Exorcist" or what? The girl plays an officially licensed version of this before getting possessed. How many people you think went out and bought this after the movie looking to get possessed by a demon? As a kid, I figured this "Ouija Board" that lets you talk to the devil must surely be illegal... probably sold on the Black Markets of Singapore where the mere whisper of its name gets you caned. So when I finally saw it in Toys 'R Us, I was never more disappointed in my life. Thats when I realized the Devil is corporate, and Toys 'R Us was playing the sickest joke on us all.

"Dad Wake Up"

My Father

This morning I am awoken from my slumber by my father. He's shaking me awake while holding a phone and talking to someone. He says to me "Dad, wake up! Dad, wake up!"

At this point I'm thinking one of us has lost their god damn minds. Why the fuck is he calling me Dad.

"Dad, whats your e-mail address?"

What the fuck is wrong with this man? I begin to laugh at how absurd this is.

"Hold on Miss one second."

I realize he is trying to pose as me to some telemarketer or some shit. I'm laughing hysterical.

"Hold on Miss he can't always remember his e-mail."

Now I'm laughing harder. I'm picturing my 50 year old father walking over to his sleeping 80 year old father (if he was still alive) and shaking him awake. Then proceeding to ask him, "Dad what's your e-mail?"

Then this handicapped man struggling to remember.. "Hmmm.... J .... what else was it?" "JBotz... and then a 4 and a 2 at the aim dot com."

SIDE NOTE: I've heard my own grandpa use the phrase, "What is this dot com bullshit!" at least like 50 times.

My dad covers the phones speaker his hand and whispers LOUDLY to me "Mikey, your screwing me up here!"

I can just picture this 50 year old man saying to this 80 year old man, "Mikey, your screwing me up here!" What is this woman on the other line thinking? He calls his 80 year old dad "Mikey"?

Anyway he was calling Amazon to try and return a package shipped to me that I ordered him. They wanted to send me a confirmation e-mail. Why did he feel the need to pose as me... I do not know... maybe because the package was shipped to my name on my credit card? Mystery.

J-E-T-S! Trip Pt. 2

So I am sitting in the car on my way back from indianopolis. Yes the jets lost and cindarella is not going to the ball. What i realized is that jet fans travel like the black plague.... Make that green plague and totally devour and infect a city. They are like the Sars virus of obnoxiousness, disrepect, and overall deuchebaggery... And it is damn infectious. My second favorite football team (I still bleed Blue)made me very proud to be a New Yorker. And props to the people of Indiana who have to be some of the nicest and most accomodating fans around. The upscale steak house we were in dealt with the ugliest, loudest, and sexually deviant 2 Jet fans for a whole full hour before throwing them out. They then proceeded to to illegaly hitch a ride on the back of a horse and carriage while doing the Jets chant. Speaking of the Jets chant I wouldnt mind not hearing that again for a year. I consumed more beer and ate more food then practically ever in my life... I feel like Rex Ryan on a bender after a trip to the Sizzler. I feel like Inspector Lee... You dont want to feel like inspector lee.

The O.D.B Story

When my grandpa recounts a story it is always in bits and pieces. It is usually one line of information and in order to piece together a sensible story you have to basically interrogate him. This New Years I went to a club and saw Wale do a couple of songs. I was telling my grandpa about this rapper and it reminded him of his encounter with the Ol' Dirty Bastard.

GRANDPA :"What was the name of that rapper I sold to the car to?"

FRIEND: "Ol Dirty Bastard"

GRANDPA: "Yeah, what a sick fuck he was!"

ME: "WHAT?!?!"

I have never seen my grandpa talk so vehemently about someone being insane.. The fact is he is not exactly the picture of sanity himself. So here is the story as best as I could piece it together...

O.D.B comes to my grandpas car dealer ship about 10 years ago. My grandfather has ordered him a brand new Infiniti truck with very expensive tires on it. O.D.B takes one look at it and the first thing he says is, "Take those tires off I wanna nigga-rig it." Those are his exact words.

He then proceeds to pay with a large garbage bag. In that bag is an assortment and 10, 20, and 100 dollar bills.

While my grandpa is in the trailer doing the paperwork for the deal he hears a gunshot go off. He comes out to find that the tail light of another car has been shot out. He asks what the heel happened and apparently O.D.B was playing around with his gun and it went off. I asked if my grandpa made him pay and he said, "No... but we fucked him over with the deal".

And that is the story of when my grandfather met the Ol' Dirty One.

Media Paper

So I take some sort of Media course. I've probably been to it twice this whole semester and have no idea what the course even covers. I haven't bought the textbooks yet even though tomorrow is my last day of class. So I had to write this 10 page paper on God knows what and I just made up a whole lot of Crazy and spewed it onto some paper. If this class was called "Incoherent Schizophrenic Ramblings" I would probably get an A. Here is my intro and outro like a rap CD. I'm particularly proud of my outro. The paper is titled, "A.D.D. U.S.A"

P.S. I dont believe in proofreading or spell check. You either know it or blow it.

INTRO:

You see it everywhere you look. Americans walking in a hypnotic state with eyes locked on their cell phones. People walking down the street yelling at nothing with a blue-tooth device in their ear. Someone struggling to steer their car, barely staying in their lane, while trying to text message the very important and urgent question of, “Wat R U Doing 2Nite?” People spending hours upon hours watching a man getting hit in the testicals on Youtube. A kid who’s day mostly consists of shooting people to death in his favorite video game; and the rest is spent watching people getting shot on the television. What is technology doing to this country? Between the television and the internet, most children are exposed to just about everything by the age of 14. There is no more need for the “The Birds & The Bees” talk, when the child has already probably seen “The Girl & The 4 Guys”. What long term effect is all this having on our psyches? It physically has also effected us as America is the most obese nation with exercise and activity at an all time low. How has this advancement in technology effected the way people form relationships and interact with other humans. Has it de-humanized us? Has it negatively effected our attention spans, diagnosing America with A.D.D.? In this paper I will examine these topics and really examine what technology is doing to this country. Besides for all the positives that come with it, what are the negatives?

OUTRO:

So has technology led this country to be a bunch of obese, lazy, violent, A-D-D infected, ignorant, perverts? Some might say yes. Others might say it has expanded our life spans, helped our communication, and provided us with a vast wealth of knowledge. I feel the key is to find a good middle ground in your use of technology and the media. Don’t let your world be consumed by gizmos and gadgets and other words starting with “G” that mean the same. Don’t forget that you are human and humans need interaction with each other. Maybe instead of listening to your iPod or checking e-mails on your blackberry, strike up a conversation with that stranger sitting next to you on the bus. They usually don’t bite. Don’t forget to live in the here and the now. Live in a world of mountains, tree’s, and blue skies… not a world of wires, controllers, and blue tooth’s.

J-E-T-S!

Jets QB Mark Sanchez

Welcome to the Thunderdome! Just got back from the Jets game a.k.a land of the ugly and bizarre. I haven't seen a group of misfits like this since my last Mets game. I see now why most Met fans are also Jet fans. Lets get to some of the fun stuff...

There were two guys sitting in front of us that I swear had to have been homeless. They were also the greatest comedic pair since Laurel and Hardy and reminded me a lot of the two main characters from "Of Mice and Men". One would ask dumb questions and had a childlike innocence while the other would grow increasingly angry and curse him. At first I could not stand the sight of them... they wore rags, looked like they had not showered in weeks, had rotten black teeth, and ate stinky tuna fish sandwiches getting tuna all over the clothes and faces. I was literally disgusted by them. The dumber one would ask increasingly dumb questions and statements about the game while holding a transistor radio from the 80's to his ear.

"Thats a 50 field Field Goal right there!"

"The home team wears white?" (Midway thru the game)

"I think Mark Sanchez broke his kneecap... but he will be alright."

"Is this what it looks like on your T.V.?"

At one point he got very excite and rose to his feet and turned around to us. It was at this time he lead the worst chant in the history of sport.

"J-E-T-S!"

He yelled and just as the crowd was about to respond with a big "Jets!" Which is the norm... he yelled.

"What does that spell?!"

And the crowd went dead silent. I said to my friends this was not a chant but rather a serious question. The worst part of this all is while he yelled massive amounts of tuna came flying out of his mouth and onto my being. While he was standing his friend was yelling "Sit down you jackass!" As soon as he sat down the Jets fumbled the ball. His friend responded...

"You jinxey mother fucker! You jinxed them!"

Observing them further I began to respect their friendship and the wide eyed innocence of the dumber one. His friend revealed it was his first game and you could tell he was as excited as someone could be. I also started to get the feeling he might have been mildly retarded. Overall they were cool guys and I'm glad they got to see a win.

Giving Thanks

We all know Thanksgiving is the holiday of rape. The rape of the Native Americans of their land, women, and food. But its also about giving thanks. It is a time to reflect on what we are thankful for. What am I thankful for?

I'm thankful for uniqueness and bizarreness. I love the fact I know real life characters whose antics could not be written by the greatest novelist. Whose actions defy and logic or sensibility. I'm thankful for torrent websites. Website that have allowed me to have 6,000 songs on my laptop. I'm thankful for DVR and Netflix. I'm thankful for the 5-5-5 Deal at Dominoes. I'm thankful for Peyton Manning commercials. I'm thankful for that image I found up above... that was in the Google Image Search when I typed in "Thanksgiving Rape". I'm thankful for still having never seen the new Indian Jones. I'm thankful for the people who are still alive that should have been long dead due to their reckless lifestyles. I'm thankful for things that ruin sobriety and expand the mind. I'm not thankful for sobriety or the New York Mets. I'm thankful for side boob. I'm thankful for the music Jacko left us. I'm thankful that I will be able to say I witnessed the end of the world in 2012.

GREATEST THING EVER!!!!!!1!!1!!!!!!

Ok this is from the New York Post and is the single greatest thing I will ever post on this blog. I swear to God this is too good and random to be made up. This is how you can tell if something is the truth... if it is so outrageous that no rational mind could possibly conceive it, then it most likely is not fiction. The truth is often a lot stranger then fiction. So without further ado... drum roll please...

A-Rod -- half man, half horse's behind. The Yankees slugger is reportedly such an egomaniac that he placed paintings of himself depicted as a centaur -- a mythical creature who is half-man, half-horse -- over his bed, an ex-girlfriend said. "He was so vain," the unidentified A-Rod lover told Us Weekly. "He had not one but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur."

New York Post

My god... read it again. Let it sulk in for a second. A-Fraud has a painting above his bed of himself as a FUCKING CENTAUR! That is lunacy. Can you imagine being a painter and A-Roid comes to you and says, "I want a portrait brother.... up here all man... bottom half.... horse. Fucking horse man." And then when you can't think this story can get any better there's that last little line.... He has TWO fucking centaur paintings. He enjoyed the first one so much he felt he should have another. My god I cant fathom the awesomeness of this... my head is about to explode.

KNOWLEDGE

Sitting in a class they should call Boring 101....Ha Ha! Got em! Bout to hand in a mid term paper I wrote while under the influence of drugs. It reads like it was written by the schizophrenic homeless guy in the subway. It has nothing to do with the subject assigned is a profanity laced rant about government conspiracies and Harry Potter. I feel kind of bad to hand this written insanity to the professor, who is a sweet 90 year old lady. I can picture her head exploding like in "Scanners" midway thru reading it. Fuck... I haven't even dared to read it myself. All I remeber is writing it in a frenzied hypnotic state where my eyes were actually just two "X"s. The best part is the paper is simply titled, "KNOWLEDGE".

Tonsils Day 3

Okay day 2 was a joke. I ate macaroni and cheese, huge chocolate milk, mashed potatoes, pudding.... I couldve even took down a bone, a fucking bone man!... I felt so good I was going to make a surprise appearance at my friends one day after surgery and raise some hell. Well today them shits are hurting pretty bad... maybe because I was talking too much yesterday. I think today they might start to scab... Looking back on some of my prior injuries and what not, I've decided to rank them in terms of pain...

1. Third Degree Burn - NOTHING compares to getting burnt. When I was like 5 I tried to walk across hot coals... needless to say its not like television... you actually get burnt.. who would've thunk it?

2. Panic Attack - While not physical, nothing is worse then feeling like you are literally losing your mind. This might be the scariest because everything else can be rationalized... you can always calm yourself down.. with a panic attack its damn near impossible because your mind is CRAZY!

3. Tonsils Day 1 - Projectile vomiting blood all over the room... unable to even swallow water... so exhausted from not eating you feel you might pass out... having a fever and a migraine.. having convulsions... Not too good.

4. Kidney Stones - So I wake up Sunday morning and run to the television (Sunday during the NFL season is a lot like Christmas to me but instead of running to the tree its the television) and I can't wait to watch my Giants. One problem. I feel one of the worst pains in my chest I have ever felt. Am I having a heart attack? "Dad I think I should go to the hospital." DAD: "Don't be stupid, you have a stomach ache." I am basically slithering off the couch when he finally decides to drive me there... and lo and behold it was a kidney stone shiffting around my belly (which was attributed to that demon called Muscle Milk... oh but its oh so good). As far as actually pissing the stone out of my dick, I have no recollection of it, due mainly in part to a combo of wine and painkillers.

5. Dislocated Shoulder - Now a days when it pops up I casually just pop it back in while still holding a conversation. When It first occurred however it hurt like a beyotch.. It kind of felt like someone sticking a knife into my shoulder and twisting it around.

6. Tooth Ache - Just a constant throbbing pain that actually had me punching walls in my house and running around shaking things like the Ultimate Warrior.

7. Wisdom Tooth Removal - What a joke. This is not very painful at all. As soon as I got home from the doctor I was chewing on pieces of iron... why? Because I fucking could!

8. Jon and Kate plus Eight - I watched half a episode the other day... it hurt my soul

Dumbest Question I Ever Asked

Fuck.... I just started watching this show I recorded on "The National Geographic Channel" or as the cool kids call it... "Nat Geo". When I saw this commercial and saw it was a show called "Draining The Ocean", I damn near creamed my pants. Anyone that knows me knows I LOVE deep sea creatures, and thought of seeing those things without water flopping around on the land gave me a hard on. So when I tuned in and and started watching this geographical shit I damn near threw up in disappointment. Fuck was this shit boring.... it kind of reminded me of this "Oceanography" class I took. After 4 weeks of talking about "platetechtonics" (I am not even going to attempt to spell that right) I finally raised my hand and asked, "When we were going to talk about fish and stuff?" And when I was told that this was the wrong class I replied... "This is not what I what I thought I was signing up for."

Which brings me to the title of this post... "The Dumbest Question I Ever Asked". One class we were talking about how the moon effects waves and shit and the lunar effect. I then raised my hand and asked... "How were the tides effected in prehistoric times when we had three moons?" The teacher looked at me dumbfounded holding in laughter. You might be thinking what to yourself what the hell was I on.... See when i was a kid I would see this show like "Land of the Lost" or "The Land Forgotten" or some shit. For some reason in the show the earth had three moons in the sky. I never thought this element of the show was fiction and really thought in prehistoric times if you looked in the sky you could see 3 "moons" or planets. After I asked this question the teacher required me to take a drug test... not really but I do have a story about that form high school.  Man... fuck that Oceanography class.

Very Controversial Idea

What if?

This could be an idea for a film but it is WAY too controversial. What if God us the bad guy and Lucifer (the devil) is the rebellious pioneer of free will. God is a dictator type who suppresses the free will of humans, simply making them to be his slaves and do his bidding, not questioning why they are there or to use logic. Lucifer was an angel for him and saw the corruption and was the only one to speak out against him. God banished him and set forth in destroying his name. On earth Lucifer encouraged the humans to ask "Why?" and to do things on their own merit. This angered God so much that he sent a great flood killing everyone hoping to "reset" things. The plan worked for a while but Lucifer continued to spread his message and God had to use another plan. God decided to appear on earth himself as someone named "Jesus". The primary goal of this person was to badmouth Lucifer and depict him as an evil monster called "the devil". What if all the teachings that we were led to "worship" are nothing more then propaganda and a smear campaign. 

Lets add a sci-fi twist to this story. God is a being from another superior planet. They travel the universe developing planets with life. This God being however had a huge ego and used the life forms as a way of stroking his ego. His behavior was so egotistical that that the home planet sent the being Lucifer to come regulate. These beings are not physical manifestations but more like spirits. I don't believe this but it is something I was just thinking about. I find it funny that those of us raised on religion are afraid to even bring up such questions and find talk like this sinful, deceitful, and blasphemous. The fact of the matter is that religion is the most powerful force on earth and can rally someone to murder or be used as a means of justifying murder. It is instilled in us before we can even rationalize and used as a way of keeping us in order. Imagine a society without religion? There would be no order. Even if I did find out for certain that religion was a scam, I would not reveal it to the masses. A lot of people need to look to someone for "answers". As a child they turn to their parents. When they get older and wiser then their parents they turn to their "God".

I know a lot of people will not like this article, but I am not telling you to become atheist or stop believing whatever it is you believe in. I'm just saying one should not be afraid to question and analyze things. This goes for all facets of life. Do not walk blindly into the night.

Central Bookings

So I got locked up. I was stuck in Central Bookings for 24 hours for basically being a drunk. I got arrested for drinking in public and had 3 warrants that were all related to alcohol.  All in all the experience was not that bad, as I got to meet a lot of cool and very interesting people. As a writer this was a great experience that I would not take back. I like to discover all sorts of things, good and bad... if I am going to write about criminals then I have to spend some time with some and be in the mindset.  The other prisoners in bookings aren't the problem, its the power hungry CO's. They are the ones who talk down to you and pick fights, purposely pushing your buttons trying to get you to explode and be punished. The worst part for me was the total lack of info provided by these people... if I had a timeframe it wouldn't be so bad.... shit If there were beds in the cell I would be living there chowing down on a nice peanut butter and bread sandwich (I guess jelly is too expensive) and some milk. I'm just kidding, the conditions suck. You sleep on a dirty floor with everyone trying to fit like we are playing a game of human Tetris. If you are "lucky" you get to sit on a bench that has to be made of the hardest substance on the planet earth.... I preferred the floor. There is one toilet off to the side with no walls for privacy, and probably makes the loudest noise I have ever heard when flushed. It is courtesy not to shit, but one kid had to go and used the "keep flushing while shitting" method. As I laid on the cold hard floor (thats one thing I will give the bookings, they are not stingy with their air conditioning... that cell is like an ice box) staring up at the ceiling, and a substance smeared about that had to be shit,  I knew what it was like to be an animal in the zoo. Sitting besides me was a rotten apple that had probably been there for months, and about 6 flys were buzzing about constantly.

There were many interesting characters in my cell, and we all got along well. Being able to talk to someone really helps the time fly. Everyone was pissed to be there but able to joke about the situation and tell stories of previous crimes or what they did to get in bookings.  There was this one older spanish guy who barely spoke english who shared his story with us; "I didn't do nothing. All I was doing was just drinking two big Guinesses." Someone else asked, "What were you walking with them?" to which he replied, "No I was driving". We then asked what he was going to do when he got out and he said, "Im going to get some Guiness and drink them and drive home." He justified his drinking and driving by saying it was not liquor, so it was okay. Another guy we called OT (old timer) who had one clean but used to be addicted to crack back in the day. He was a real cool guy and told us stories of how wild central bookings used to be back in the day. For you aspiring criminals, he also said jail is nothing like it is in the movies and that rape shit doesn't happen... not now and not back then.

So now for the absolute worst part. I'm in the very final holding cell waiting to see the judge. (You have to go to 4 different cells before you see the judge. Its kind of like different levels with each one offering more open space) At this point I'm pissed off as the rest of my cell mates got let go and I'm still stuck in this hellhole. At this point the CO brings in these two older guys that got shipped here from Ritgers. Ritgers was closing down different sections due to a swine flu outbreak and these guys were evacuated. This one guy is a short Russian man wearing a very long trenchcoat with fur on the top. His face is filled with acne and rashes and he storms in and immediately begins shaking everyones hand while muttering something in a incoherent language. This man emits the worst smell I have ever smelt in my life... no doubt about it. Just from shaking his hand I feel my whole body begin to itch and me and everyone else in the cell covers our noses and flees to the other side of the room, away from him.  He lays on the bench and then begins to ask for a knife. No one responds to him and he begins digging into his sock. At this point I was very prepared for him to whip out a shank and start attacking everyone in the cell. This guy was crazy... he a crazy in his eyes. Before he can reveal what was in his sock the CO comes back and removes him for stinking way too bad. We then all washed our hands in the water fountain and when I got home I took 3 showers. I really hope that Russian fuck didn't give me the swine flu.

Music Video part deuce

So I was filming the newest music video for the Sons of 1984 called "Jungle". If you want an idea of what the look will be like go and watch Jay-Z's "99 Problems". Thats my inspiration big time for this rather short video (about 2 minutes). I was really proud with what we got filmed today, but we did have a pretty funny occurrence. I was very intent on getting into the cemetery and filming some stuff there. For whatever reason as soon as I song I envisioned people rapping on gravestones and what not. The beat just has this eerie ghastly feel to it, and I knew it would work perfectly in that setting. My one friend JP was spooked out about going into the cemetery and his girlfriend kinda got into his head by saying how creepy and odd it was. As soon as we pulled in and parked, he looks over to his right and the gravestone reads the huge last name of his girlfriend. Funny coincidence. 

Now I'll have you know that in the car is about 12 beers, a bottle of wine, and a lot of weed, so we are riding dirty. We then proceed to walk around by the graves with a radio blasting rap music while the performers are climbing on statues as I'm filming them. We made a vow to make not sure to film any names on the headstones, so we felt this was fine. I still stand by this feeling, a cemetery is a really cool place with some of the most gorgeous statues and sculptures I have seen. Its a shame people feel so weirded out by death and don't get too observe these beautiful works of art. It was a real cloudy and dreary day and it looked like we might be starring in "Night Of The Living Dead". The whole time we are doing this we are very cautious about being caught. We are moving pretty quickly and constantly observing our surroundings until I hear someone honking their horn non stop. I know that this is intended as a warning of some sort for us to get the hell out of there. We ignore it and continue filming until we get all our shots. We then go back to the car and go to leave... but the front gate is locked. So we drive to the back and that is locked too. It was a warning that the cemetery was closing, and that we better leave or we are going to be spending a night with the dead. At this point we started joking that we were about to become the newest "Blair Witch Project" as people would only find the camera and see footage of a rap video followed by us being ripped to shreds by zombies. This had all the makings of the beginning of a zombie flick. So basically I'm typing this from inside the cemetery right now, as we are stuck here until 9:30 the next morning.

I personally dont understand the concept of a cemetery. I don't want to be put underground in a wooden box in a field with a bunch of strangers. Fuck that. Put me in a urn and keep me in your house mother fucker. Put me by the HDTV. Or throw my shit in the ocean... You know I have this fear, that if you don't cremate and burn the body, giving yourself a Viking funeral, that the soul is captured in the body until it decomposes. You ever think of that? Even though I'm only 23 I often get asked do I want burial or cremation. I want neither. I want a little ol' practice we like to call mummification. Mummy my ass and put me in the corner of the living room. I will really add to the decor and be a great conversation starter.

Joe Torre book

Everyone is going crazy about Joe Torre's new book. Well, I have happened to land a advanced copy of said, and let me tell you it is juicy. Some of the things he says are outrageous... simply outrageous... especially when it comes to Alex Rodriguez, or as Torre calls him, "A-Fraud". Here are some experts from the book...

"I don't know if I could really describe A-Fraud in one word... it really depends if you consider Mother-fucker one word."

" He [A-Rod] thought he was SOOO cool because he was fucking Madonna. Thats some old warn out pussy dawg. I hope he catches an STD."

"I rather have that fish from Africa swim up my dick then have to sit in a room with A-Fraud for more then a minute."

" He [A-Rod] would eat the corn out of Jeters ass if he asked him too." 

"Jeter is fucking super models every night... A-Rod masturbates to the thought of Jeter fucking super models every night."

Your dick bleeding?

Last night I was painting. When I'm panting you know X-Mas is approaching, because many a person will get a painting for a gift. So I'm painting and I got some red paint on my my leg. (I paint wildly and violently) So I go to bed that night, and while tossing and turning, I smeared some red paint on my bed sheets. So when I got home today, my dad obviously seeing the paint, asked me, "Your dick bleeding?" No.... I'm actually lying, it was just my dick bleeding again. No truthfully tho... it was paint.

Top News Stories of 2008

http://www.asylum.com/2008/05/27/mechaphiliac-admits-to-having-sex-with-1-000-cars/


What? This guy is not attracted to humans anymore.. only cars. He has had sex with 1,000 cars. Huh? How do you have sex with a car? Do you stick your dick in the gas tank?



http://www.khou.com/topstories/stories/khou080508_tj_pothead.df5885e1.html

Here's another story that's not short on crazy. Some teenagers dug out the corpse of a 11 year old child and converted the skull into a bong. Nice.



http://gawker.com/5030531/dead-monster-washes-ashore-in-montauk

Then there was this... jeez, what the fuck is that?! This monster that washed up on a beach in Montauk. Thank god its dead whatever it is. Too ugly to live.



http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory?id=4984659

Then there's this guy who plowed his car into a bicycle race. The pic in the article is one of the coolest photos of the year.



http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/topstories/news-article.aspx?storyid=115369&catid=15

Then this idiot who called 911 twice because Subway wasn't making his sandwiches right.




http://guanabee.com/2008/09/woman-dressed-as-cow-makes-bes.php

Heres a huge black woman who pissed on her neighbors porch while dressed as a cow... complete with an amazing mugshot.

Video Games

I must say... I am officially a "gamer" again. Growing up a product of the mid-80's, Nintendo and Mario were a huge part of my life. I had Nintendo early on and mastered ever Mario brothers, I had Mario products and used to watch Lou Albano's rendition daily. Then came Super Nintendo.... So many great games for this... and I was a Nintendo loyalist... No Sega products in my house. SNES provided me with some great times, and my loyalty to Ninendo was going to continue to Nintendo 64. At this time some of my friends were getting Playstations. I remember playing such games as Twisted Metal and Crash Bandicoot and thinking how awesome they were, but I still waited for my N64. Finally I got N64 and Mario 64 kicked my ass, but then there was nothing. After that, no other game really grabbed my attention and I finally gave in and bought a Playstation. Playstation was a wonderful system defined for me by Castlevania, Twisted Metal 2, and of course... Final Fantasy 7. Thinking back on it now, Playstation was probably the best gaming system of all time. The next system I bought was Playstation 2. I had some fun with it, but overall it wasn't that great. Definetly not as good as Playstation and I decided I had enough of Sony and gaming in general. I basically stopped playing video games entirely as my PS2 gathered dust. I had no interest in XBOX and honestly have probably only played it twice in life. PS3 and XBOX 360 were coming and I could care less... but then I saw this thing called the Nintendo Wii. The controller looks like a TV remote, and its cheap! So i bought a Wii and played my Wii tennis and deemed this the future of gaming... even my dad  would play Wii and he HATES video games. As good as Wii is, it is intended for a group, and I got bored with it and found myself not playing video games again. So about 2 months ago on a whim I bought a used XBox 360 for 200 bucks. Wow. 3 games in and this is already in running for one of my favorite systems of all time. I hardly ever beat a video game... I usually get to the last boss and just quit for whatever reason... but I beat all 3 of these games. When I finish these games I put the controller down and have the same feeling as when I just finished watching a great movie... I go to message boards and read theories on the story and the characters, the same thing I do after a great film. The line between movies and video games is becoming very blurred. Here are 3 amazing games for XBox 360 everyone must play....

Dead Space - This is one of the scariest things I have ever dealt with. I grew up watching Freddy Kreuger, and it is damn near impossible for me to be freightend by a movie. However... I find video games to be much better at scaring you. The main reason is because you are in control. When you watch a horror movie, you find yourself more angry and frusturated at how dumb the character is. In the video game, you have no one to blame for a death besides yourself. Play this game in the dark, and i don't care how tough you think you are, you will be scared. There was one point where this game got so horrifying that I literally almost put the controller down and said "Fuck This". If you are a fan of the horror genre, this is an experience you must partake in.

Dead Rising - I love Dawn of the Dead. It has this campiness about it and I love how it pokes fun at consumerism by using zombies... Fuck, I love anything with zombies. This game is Dawn of the Dead. You are in a mall... you can use any item for any store.. you can even shop for clothing. This game is one of the most fun games just to run around and play. There is so much going on and no one is telling you where to go and when. You can essentially leave the game running for a day and "beat" it. Its up to you if you are going to hunt down survivors, or do the missions and eventually wind up fighting the military. Now besides for the zombies, you also have to deal with psychopaths, evil clowns, rapist female lesbian cops, a cult, and gang members. And another thing I love about this game, is for whatever reason... it oozes 80's style. 

Gears of War 2 - Fuck me. Playing this game is like shoving steroids in your ass. Playing this game is like double teaming the Statue of Liberty with Chuck Norris, while Barry Bonds injects steroids in your ass, while your watching all of the Rocky and Rambo movies. This game is the bad assness of every machismo 90's action movie crammed onto a disc and amplified by 10. Playing this game will put hair on your chest.

The Porn Industry

I was recently asked by a porn website called The Naughty Nation to go and film the porn convention in New Jersey. Why not? I have no desire to direct porn.... never did. I don't really see the glamorous side of this industry. I'm not a big porn fan personally... I did not know one person there besides for Ron Jeremy, and could care less about how long of  a dick these ho's could fit in their mouth.

I loved watching these losers, running about getting pictures and autographs. Who cares about an autograph from a porn star? What are you going to look at it while jerking off? Lets break it down.... Here are a few things that I observed, and some tips for the porn convention.

- Most porn stars have terrible skin. Their faces are acne ridden and filled with pot holes. To hide this fact they wear an EXCESSIVE amount of make up. If I had to guess... porn stars weren't the popular ones in high school and probably didn't party much or see much sex. Then they got to college.... dyed their hair... wore a lot of make-up and started getting fucked for a living. That seems like the majority of them. Some of them are just obscenely hot however and would look out of place doing anything but porn... then their are those who are just sex addicts and freaks. They really know how to work a crowd.

- Ron Jeremy is the Jesus of porn stars. When he walked in, he immediatly drew an immense crowd. Me any my friend snuck our way to the front of the line and actually got a really great plug from him. He's a real cool guy and really knows how to work a room.

- They have dick shaped everything. I thought it was hilarious watching girls sucking penis shaped lollipops. Some where just downright bizaare.... like a teddy bear that for some reason had a giant huge vibrating penis that was constantly thrusting.

- There is a shop called "Schlongs and Bongs".

- If you have a VIP pass you can go to the VIP room... what is in there you ask? A foosball table, a air hockey table and about 6 stripper poles with women who obviously are on the extacy.

- Don't eat hot dogs at the convention. They were god awful and literally made my asshole die. Get the pizza. It might look like the ugliest, most unappetizing thing on the earth, but it is actually quite good.

- Jesse Jane sucks. Not only dicks I mean. Apparently she's one of the bigger porn stars at this time. First off she is an anorexic blonde with silicone hanging off her chest an absolutely NO breasts. She was on stage screeching sounding like the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith. Her voice is honestly one of the worst and most annoying I have ever heard. Honestly.

- Weird looking foreigners really want to watch you fuck their surgically enhanced wife.

- Oh man... "Strip For Pain" is more gruesome then the "Passion of the Christ". Two girls with a lot of tatts, pick a man to punish. The guy is usually fat, bald, and has plenty of backne. It is game... The more punishment they take, the more the girls strip. First up was the whipping. I figured it would just be very tame with light love taps.... WRONG! They were whipped until HUGE bloody welts appeared. That wasn't the end tho. Next up they had to get punched in the face by these chicks as hard as possible, and they didn't even take their rings off. ow.

DMX - Where Da hood At?!

Great Moments in Songwriting...

If you did not know... DMX absolutely hates gay people. If you don't believe me just listen to the lyrics of his hit "Where Da Hood At?!". It might be one of the most homophobic songs in the history of a music and is definitely a great moment in songwriting.

Man, cats don't know what it's gonna be
Fuckin with a nigga like me, D-to-the-M-to-the-X
Last I heard, y'all niggaz was havin sex, with the SAME sex
I show no love, to homo thugs
Empty out, reloaded and throw more slugs
How you gonna explain fuckin a man?
Even if we squashed the beef, I ain't touchin ya hand
I don't buck with chumps, for those to been to jail
That's the cat with the Kool-Aid on his lips and pumps
I don't fuck with niggaz that think they broads
Only know how to be ONE WAY, that's the dog
I know how to get down, know how to BITE
Bark very little, but I know HOW TO FIGHT
I know how to chase a cat up in the tree
MAN, I GIVE Y'ALL NIGGAZ THE B'INESS FOR FUCKIN WIT ME, IS YOU CRAZY?!?

Well lets break down these lyrics shall we. Apparently someone approached DMX and told him the concept of a gay male...a man having sex with the same sex. DMX was outraged by this and asks the question to all of society, "How you gonna explain fuckin a man?" DMX is so disgusted he wouldn't even shake the hand of gay man if they were friends. DMX then recalls his time in jail and remembers that he has previously encountered homosexuals, but he still doesn't like them.

Towards the end of the song however, DMX kind of changes his tune....

I get tapes doin times, stop niggaz like grapes makin wine
Five CD's with mad rhymes
Don't hit me with that positive shit, I know you lyin
You really wanna stop niggaz from dyin? Stop niggaz from tryin
I cuz I ain't really got that time to waste
and I thought I told you to get these fuckin bums out my face
Lookin atchu in your grill, I might be nice to cut
Once I split ya ass in two, you'll be twice as butt
Yeah, you right, I know ya style - PUSSY cuz I'm fuckin it
Since we all right here, you hold my dick while he suckin it
MOTHERFUCKER, don't you know you'll never come near me
Shove ya head up ya ass, have you seein shit clearly
Never heard that D be runnin, cuz D be gunnin
I beat my dick and bust off in ya eye so you can see me comin/cumin
Empty clips and shells are what I leave behind
and if they get me with the joint, they hit me with a three-to-nine

Once I split ya ass in two, you'll be twice as butt?! What the hell! "Since we all right here, you hold my dick while he suckin it." WHAT! He sucking it?! Having a guy suck your dick is pretty gay to me any way you cut it. I thought DMX was against same sex intercourse. I guess he doesn't consider oral sex as intercourse. He then says he will masterbate into another mans eye. Wow....