"I'm a man, Mr.Kessler"

Just saw this segment on "Dateline" which I found hilarious. There was this very popular male weatherman, named George Kessler, at a local news station. He gave off a swamry-douchey bastard type of vibe, but he was well liked by viewers. So one day he goes and listens to his answering machine and there is a insane man named cursing him out; "I'm a man, Mr.Kessler. not some fuckin' ass-faggot homosexual, do you understand me?"

This was the voice of Shon Thorson. Further investigation found out the man had just been released from a mental institution and was having hallucinations. Whenever he would watch the weather report, things would start off normal with the anchor simply reading the weather. Then the visions would start and the anchor would begin talking directly to this nutjob. He would threaten him and proposition him for gay sex, then begin calling him a faggot. Is it just me or is that pretty funny? Can you imagine some sick bastard watching the news and having a typical douchey weatherman turn and look directly at him and start asking him for a blowjob?

So what happened? They married each other in a same sex wedding in Connecticut.... Sadly I'm just joking. The truth is much more gruesome.... The psycho blew the weathers face off with a shotgun and them anally sodomized his corpse on a homemade "sex bench" for about 30 minutes. After he finished he blew his own brain out. Ha Ha! Just kidding! (Sorry about that, I just watched a movie about Dorothy Stratten) I guess they are living in harmony now, the story didn't really say. Here is a link to a news article about it....

NEWS

Crazy Products

Look at these products... These are real products. First off we have the "Dog Creeper Window". Your dog can be a creeper as he peers into your neighbors yard with his fucking space helmet looking thing. Can you imagine seeing that thing pop up when your trying to smoke a joint in your yard? What neighbor would agree and allow you to put this in? I think even Mr.Rogers would object. But up next it gets even better....

What the hell?! As many of you know I'm an avid hiker and I camp out in the most rugged and dangerous of climates. I use a regular sleeping bag. I give my friends shit for using the "coffin" style sleeping bag. That is basically the same but your legs are locked in. This is a "Walking Mummy" sleeping bag. If I saw this walking towards me late at night in the woods I would probably shoot at it. When you go in a "sleeping" bag why the fuck do you need to walk around? Aren't you looking to sleep?

AWWW WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?!

Well hello there sexy. This is a picture of a girl I hooked up with at the bar when I was trashed last night. I just checked her facebook and found out she wasn't as hot as I originally thought.

Just kidding... that is the victim of the Manzee! That chimpanzee ripped off her jaw, her nose, and her eyes.... he basically made that bitch his own personable Mrs. Potato Head. That damned dirty ape! Ah, Damn You! God Damn You all to hell! She spoke for the first time today on Oprah and was hidden under a veil... When Oprah finally unlifted the veil she uttered "fuck me!" and censors completely understood. Since I basically book my trip to hell with this post I might as well go for it all. This bitch looks like she went on Extreme Makeover and asked to be made to look like the Muppet Janice...

Hey ya! That muppet also looks a lot like Daisy from that Bret Michaels show. Come to think of it,I know a lot of whores who like that muppet and I bet you do to....

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Man vs. Cow

So this guy got charged with animal cruelty for sticking his dick in the mouth of some cows. He was a *shock*  cop   *shock* Who wouldve ever guessed a cop for being crazy?! Anyway here the best part, which is from the news report...

"If the cow had the cognitive ability to form thought and speak, would it say, 'Where's the milk? I'm not getting any milk,' " Judge James J. Morley asked.

Lol. Who is this judge and why does he not have his own show on television. If the cow could speak I think it would say, "Why is this assholes shoving his cock in my mouth?" not "Where is the milk? I'm not getting any milk". I can picture it saying that in a british accent while wearing a monocle and smoking a long cigarette... "This device does not seem to be producing the milk... I wonder why that is?"

To read the rest of the article copy and paste this bad boy...

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/homepage/20090924_Animal-cruelty_charges_dropped_against_Burlington_County_cop.html

Criss Angel Levitates Me!

FUCK YOU!!!! Live right now I am watching the Magician of the Deuche bags Criss Angel and he is going to fucking levitate me thru the television. I'm hoping to float right into the fan and get a nice lawsuit on my hand.... So I just fired up the episode on my DVR and I will be watching it live with this blog and by the end I should be floating around.

The Affliction t shirt brand could stay in business based on the sales of Criss Angel alone... and why does he spell his name "Criss"? I remember when this guy was small time and used to run shows out of WWF New York here in Times Square. That was before he went out to vegas and became a multi-millionaire. His show used to be more "gothic" and less mainstream too. He was big into hanging himself from his skin on hooks and shit like that. Ok I cant take this I'm fast forwarding to when he levitates me... this damn show is an hour. Right now I'm feeling excited and quite frankly a little afraid. Im thinking he's going to use some sort of hypnosis. Ok here we go.....

HA HA HA HA! What?! He rambles on and on about seeing balloons and being lifted in the air and then closing your eyes. Then when he "snaps" you out of it he plugs his website and asks you to share your "experience".... This guy was designed to take take fat suburban Hot Topic wearing white chicks money.... lets look at some comments...

Criss, I'm still spread-eagled on my lounge room ceiling. Someone changed the channel while I was up there. How do I get down?

Criss i levitated gt worked

Criss i could feel myself rise off the ground and my feet just hanging there so thank you Criss.And you are a mindfreak you freaked my mind.Love ya.

Very Controversial Idea

What if?

This could be an idea for a film but it is WAY too controversial. What if God us the bad guy and Lucifer (the devil) is the rebellious pioneer of free will. God is a dictator type who suppresses the free will of humans, simply making them to be his slaves and do his bidding, not questioning why they are there or to use logic. Lucifer was an angel for him and saw the corruption and was the only one to speak out against him. God banished him and set forth in destroying his name. On earth Lucifer encouraged the humans to ask "Why?" and to do things on their own merit. This angered God so much that he sent a great flood killing everyone hoping to "reset" things. The plan worked for a while but Lucifer continued to spread his message and God had to use another plan. God decided to appear on earth himself as someone named "Jesus". The primary goal of this person was to badmouth Lucifer and depict him as an evil monster called "the devil". What if all the teachings that we were led to "worship" are nothing more then propaganda and a smear campaign. 

Lets add a sci-fi twist to this story. God is a being from another superior planet. They travel the universe developing planets with life. This God being however had a huge ego and used the life forms as a way of stroking his ego. His behavior was so egotistical that that the home planet sent the being Lucifer to come regulate. These beings are not physical manifestations but more like spirits. I don't believe this but it is something I was just thinking about. I find it funny that those of us raised on religion are afraid to even bring up such questions and find talk like this sinful, deceitful, and blasphemous. The fact of the matter is that religion is the most powerful force on earth and can rally someone to murder or be used as a means of justifying murder. It is instilled in us before we can even rationalize and used as a way of keeping us in order. Imagine a society without religion? There would be no order. Even if I did find out for certain that religion was a scam, I would not reveal it to the masses. A lot of people need to look to someone for "answers". As a child they turn to their parents. When they get older and wiser then their parents they turn to their "God".

I know a lot of people will not like this article, but I am not telling you to become atheist or stop believing whatever it is you believe in. I'm just saying one should not be afraid to question and analyze things. This goes for all facets of life. Do not walk blindly into the night.

Great Album Covers

MOST EXPLICIT RAP SONG EVER!!!

I have finally found it! I have found the most vile, dirtiest, explicit rap song of all time. I have been searching a long time to find this... leading to many a DMX song... but here it is... I present to you Plies "Get You Wet". These are lyrics that would




Here are the lyrics to the second verse; the most vile in all of rap.

HOOK:
Bet if i suck on dat pussy *bet* dat'll get you wet
An rub my hand on dat clit *bet* dat'll get you wet
And rub my tounge down ya neck *bet* dat'll get you wet
Bet if i suck on dem tities bet dat'll get you wet

VERSE:
if i can't hear dat pussy smackin' it ain't wet enough
need to be able to hear it when i got you in a buck
need to see that pink shinnin when i open her up
pussy full of juices nigga hittin nuthin but guts
gotta be able to get you leekin before i fuck
and got to get you off first before i neven nut
i love ta run down on a broad dat got a soaker super wet pussy
you can hear it when you stroke her,
nigga whole stomach be wet
when it's over had to throw away my sheets cuz she left a puddle
Wet pussy wit no smell a muthafucka
Pussy so wet feel like she pissed on her self
pussy already drippin she aint need my help
gotta fuck her on da floor she leek everywhere
You can nut and go to sleep i don't even care
a street nigga wet pussy good for his health


Oh my lord! We got some real Blood Diamonds in there...
"Need to see that pink shinnin when I open her up"
"Pussy full of juices nigga hittin nuthin but nut."

"Wet pussy wit no smell a muthafucka." Thats funny, cause that was exactly my yearbook quote.
That bitch got that wet super soaker pussy!

Scariest Shit Ever

You have to love fetishists. They are some of the most bizarre people in the world and make Buffalo Bills portrayal look tame. Somehow I stumbled upon this weird fetish and it has probably scarred me forever. I really wish I had not seen these things... so now I'm going to make sure I'm not the only one haunted by this shit. I am going to start first with the photo evidence of one of the freakiest fetishes out there..... mask fetish.











HA HA HA! These fucking people look like the things out of my worst fucking nightmares. Can you honestly believe that this really exists? Imagine seeing that coming walking over you. I would pull out my knife in a heartbeat. I really want to make a horror movie where this is what the killer looks like. This a lot more god damn scary then Mike Meyers, Jason, and Freddy combined. Now lets go onto the video evidence... courtesy of youtube. The funniest part about the youtube videos is if you look at the comments... people saying how beautiful the person and the mask is. Jesus... watch this at your own risk. Oh and apparently this is really big in Japan. *GASP* *SHOCK* Big in Japan? Can you believe it?

FIGHT OF THE MILLENNIUM!

Ali versus Fraiser. Tyson versus Bowe. Johnson versus Bird. Hogan vs. Andre. RAPTOR VERSUS FUCKIN' T-REX! Yessir, the fight of the millennium is here! Tomorrow at 10 PM on the History Channel... on "Jurassic Fight Club", the two best dinosaurs will finally meet in a battle to the death. This blog here is you source for all the coverage of this epic battle.

Many people have asked who would win this fight? In order to make a educated prediction, we must analyze both their strengths and weaknesses. First off, it is very obvious that the T-Rex has the power, height, and weight advantage. However, the raptor is a much quicker creature and a lot smarter. Did you know that a raptor knows how to open a fuckin' door?! It knows how to turn the knob and open the door. Thats amazing! I'm a human being and even I can't get that right every time. The T-Rex also has baby arms, arms that disabled it from enjoying its Newport Lights. Its arms are evolutions biggest practical joke, and all it can really do is dive at you with his big jaw. What I predict is for the raptor to actually climb up the back of the T-Rex and to attack its neck. The beginning of the fight will probably be the T-rex taking some big bites with the raptor dodging. This game of cat and mouse will continue until the T-Rex is tired, and then the raptor will make its move up the back and two the neck. Lets look at the tale of the tape....

T- REX

Length: 40 feet

Height: 15-20 feet

Weight: 5 to 7 tons

RAPTOR

Length: 5 to 6 feet

Height: 3 feet tall

Weight: 15 to 33 pounds

Lose your mind forever!

Do you want to lose your mind forever? Do you want your reality to be completely blown? Do you want to suddenly have suicidal thoughts? Well then watch this video. This is from a children's show, and it is one of the creepiest things I ever witnessed. It just made me feel dirty and uneasy like nothing else. This really is a work of art, but god damn if it wont mentally fuck you up. If you watch this one drugs you will probably lose your mind forever or take your own life on the spot. Viewer beware....your in for a scare.

Dock Ellis - Hero

Who is this man? Its Dock Ellis... an American Hero. Why is he a hero.... he threw a no-hitter...while on acid! Amazing! Outlandish! Supernatural! Apparently he was just chilling out at home with his girlfriend dropping some acid. He didn't realize he had a game that day until she looked at the paper and saw he was pitching in a couple of hours. I love how unorganized baseball was back then, the players didn't even know when it was game day. So anyway he decides to go pitch and throws a fucking no hitter. Here he is reminiscing...

"I can only remember bits a pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria. I was zeeroed in on the [catcher's] glove, but I didn't hit the glove too much....The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the cathcher, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down while I was looking at him."

How awesome is it when your acid flashback is a no hitter in the majors?

Morgellons Disease

There is this "disease" called "Morgellons Syndrome". The thing is, it hasn't been recognized by any medical community. People who "have it" claim that they feel thousands of bugs crawling under their skin and that their are fibers under their skin. It gives people rashes, deep red open wounds. Former Oakland A's pitcher Billy Koch, and his family claim to have it. There is apparently no cure for it. People are even claiming its a govermental disease that is being hidden. The people inflicted even claims that they can see these parasites and fibers. Heres som info from a news website:

"What sounds like a science fiction movie is actually real life for the unlucky people who have contracted the disease which leaves painful sores all over the body. The sores ooze blue fibers, white threads and little black specks of sand-like material.
The worst part, patients say, is the creepy and constant sensation of bugs crawling under their skin."

And heres some hick describing the insane shit she did:
Becky Bailey moved out of her Austin, Texas home and into a trailer hoping to escape the bugs that torment her.
"We ripped out our carpet and burned our carpet and furniture and move out into our R-V and they were still one me." HA HA! Becky Bailey...thats such a porn star name!

You wanna know what these people really have? They have a fuckin case of the crazies! This is paranoid schizophrenia. Go to "youtube" and type in Morgellons disease. You will see a lot of videos of arms and hairs under a microsope, and "apparently" you can see some fibers or bugs. Guess what? If you are sane you will not see shit. And I love how one person gets it and then the whole family gets it. Its because the crazy bastard is spreading his crazy bullshit. You hang out with a cripple and you start to walk with a limp. These people are literally pulling shit out of their skin, leaving wounds. I'm gonna post a picture of an infected person...somewhat graphic...

This is insanity. Most doctors even refuse to treat this disease because it is FAKE! These crazies who claim to have it deserve to scracth themselves to death. What got me started on this rant? Well, I just saw the movie, "Bug". Even though it doesn't outright say it, it is based on this "disease" and is a pretty bad ass movie. Heres also a youtube video of a news report on this. The bottom line is this..I bet you, if you make a professional looking webiste, with fake photos talking about some crazy disease, and list symptons...you will get replies from people claiming to have this disease. I am POSITIVE of this.

Johnny Appleseed.

YEEEEEEEEES! It feels just like Christmas morning, or when the clock strikes 12 on New Years. This is a MAJOR MAJOR holiday, and yes I'm aware that the Jews refuse to celebrate it. But before I tell you my plans, we must look at the history, and Johnny Appleseed....

Yup, thats him. One of the most feared men in history. He was a very tall, slim, agile man; who suffered from schizophrenia. He was also the uncaught "Jack the Ripper", but those were in his later years , and I'm not covering that. It all started when God made Adam and Johnny in the Garden of Eden. God became so repulsed by watching the act of gay sex, that he then made Eve. Adam and Eve became a couple, and the flamboyantly gay Johnny became very jealous. He then convinced Eve to eat one of Gods forbidden apples. When God found out, he condemmed Johnny to eternal life, doing nothing but planting apple trees about the world. Lets fast foward to April 22, 1846...The date which Earth Day was conceived. Johnny Apleseed was eating the eyes of some Native American children (BTW: He only eats childrens eyes) when some colonials came across him and unloaded all the ammo they had on him. He vanished without a trace, and the celebration of "Earth Day" was born. However, some people to this day still have sightings of Johnny Appleseed.

And thats that. So what am I doing for Earth Day? Well I'm going to take my two little children to the park....Ok, they are not actually my children by birth.....Ok, they might just be two kids I kidnapped, but we will have a fun Earth Day regardless.

Popobawa!

POPOBAWA!

No, not the K-Fed song...

I present to you, the scariest monster/demon/ghost that has ever existed.

This is an evil spirit that has terrified African people and sent them into a mas frenzy. Up above is what it looks like, but it is usally invisible and appears with a puff of smoke. Ok so its just another monster...just like Bigfoot or the Lochness...but no! What this creature does makes him the most fearful bat winged cyclops ever! Im gonna paste and exerpt from Wikipedia here now....

"Popobawa is variously described as either a ghost or ogre with a gigantic penis and bat wings. He is sometimes thought to be a shapeshifter who looks like an ordinary human during the day. His presence is usually announced by the sound of scraping claws on their roof and a sharp, pungent smell. Different from other incubus legends, Popobawa primarily attacks men and only in their own beds, resulting in many men sleeping outside in streets or on porches after recent reported attacks. He attacks men as they sleep, overpowering them, holding their face to the floor and sodomizing them for up to an hour. People who claim to be victims of Popobawa are mostly poorer residents on the island of Pemba, though other reports have also come from other islands and coastal Tanzania. The victims are threatened with repeated, and longer, sodomizations if they do not let their friends and neighbors know of their experience. It is thought that Popo Bawa reports are the result of episodes of sleep paralysis."

WHAT THE FUCK?!

not only does this monster with a giant penis ass rape you for an hour, he then makes you go tell everyone you know about it or he does it again. Pain and shame.....God damn, we are worried about AIDS in Africa but what we should be worried about is the Popobawa. And this aint just one incident, a lot of people have claimed to been attacked by this creature. This is one of the oddest things I've heard....but anyway...Good Night and don't let the Popobawa sodomize you!

12/6/06

WEIRDEST PEOPLE ON EARTH!

The above image is what you get when you do a google image search of the word "weird". Is that thing weird? Kind of....but not as weird as these people we are going to talk about! Remeber now kiddies, this is all true.

BTW: Let me adress this quickly...9 Taco Bells have closed for making people sick....Duh?! You didn't know Taco Bell makes you sick? Its a common fact like the sky is blue! Anway...lets begin...

BIZAARE!!!!

First up is 64 year old Thai Ngoc. What makes him so bizaare is that he has not slept since 1973. This guy is like the exact oppsite of me. He is a Vietmanese farmer and has not slept for 11,700 consecutive nights. His dream is to have a dream....Hey, that was pretty good. I want to hang out with this guy and party all night, hes probably big into Meth.

Link: http://www.vir.com.vn/Client/Timeout/index.asp?url=content.asp&doc=11739

WEIRDER!

See that guy...his name is Sanju Bhagat and he is pregnant. He said he felt very self concious his whole life of his big belly. Well, no shit! Look how skinny his arms are and look how big his belly is. Just looking at him it is very apparent that he's: A.) A big drinker, or B.) Pregnant. Yup its true...this guy was pregant...with his twin! Ewwww! The doctor cut open his stomach and a bunch of fluid dripped out, and then...

"He just put his hand inside and he said there are a lot of bones inside," she said. "First, one limb came out, then another limb came out. Then some part of genitalia, then some part of hair, some limbs, jaws, limbs, hair."
Inside Bhagat's stomach was a strange, half-formed creature that had feet and hands that were very developed. Its fingernails were quite long.

WTF?! It was his mutated twin living in his stomach! That is the sickest shit I've ever read. Wow, thats certainly going to make you sicker then any Taco Bell.

Link: http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/story?id=2346476&page=1

Well thats it for now...don't worry tho, there are plenty more weird people out there.

12/2/06

Thing I'm most afraid of in the world...

You see that pic of that parasite up above. That is the single most scariest creature in the world. It's name is the candiru, and there isn't one male in the world who shouldn't be petrified of it. It is the one creature that can give a man more pain then having to give birth. (I can only assume....the only man that has given birth is Arnold Schwazzenegger)

So why am I so afraid of this little tadpole looking thing? Well let me give you a sample from it's Wikipedia Definition:

It is feared by the natives because it is attracted to urine or blood, and if the bather is nude it will swim into an orifice (the anus or vagina, or even in the case of smaller specimens the penis—and deep into the urethra). It then erects its spine and begins to feed on the blood and body tissue just as it would from the gills of a fish. The candiru is then almost impossible to remove except through an operation. As the fish locates its host by following the water flow from the gills to its source, urinating while bathing increases the chance of a candiru "homing in" on a human urethra

WHAT?! This little thing will be attracted by your urine, and then swim into your dick hole, and then up inside you, and then it releases fucking spikes?! What kind of godless planet is this where such a creature can exist! And another funny thing is that the natives refer to it as the Willie Fish...Ha Ha Ha! Oh how those Amazonians love there penis jokes! And if the thing is too big for your penis it will travel up your ass...I'm sure some guys would love that....I heard Lance Bass has a fish tank full of them in his house.

Oh but it only gets better! See I have found a video of a guy who actually had this thing swim up into his dick. The re-enactment in this video is priceless! Listen to his warnings and dont pee wherever you please!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSLKZzuLC00&eurl=

Wow! Sucks to be that guy. And for my final link, here is some additional info on this wonderful little creature.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candirú