Sick from the Dick

I'm 25 now. At the age of 25 Lebron James has played in the NBA and won an MVP award. At the age of 25 I just learned how to successfully make grilled cheese. What the fuck am I doing with my life? I should of never quit Journey.

The other day I was really really high. I was relaxing and listening to one of my West Coast gangster rap records. One rapper said the following line, "Is you sick from the dick, or is it the flu?" I do not know why but that literally killed me. Imagine the response to this question... "No.. I'm pretty sure its the flu." I also like how it is two possible things that can be making you sick.... not that bad fish. You either have the flu or that dick got to you.

Meeting Rodman.... and tara reid

I was at "The Cheesecake Factory" today and it was like a night of 1,000 stars. First off I see this sickly think looking blonde come walking in. She was chain smoking like a champion and texting 24-7. These are the characteristics of a hollywood party girl; "textin, smokn, being thin". Guess who..... Tara Reid. My waiter didn't believe me so I bet him 5 dollars and he went and got her autograph and it was her. But oh it gets better.... much better.

I look over to the entrance and see a giant bizarrely dressed black man with tons of tatts and piercings. He was also about 6 foot 7. Holy shit... is that Dennis Rodman... Rodzilla? Where am I on "Celebrity Rehab"? He then proceeds to point directly at me. I don't know what to do and give an awkward wave. "No not you... the girl... tell her to come over here." This white teenage girl with her family gets up and walks over to him. When she returns she says that he told her she had nice skin and gave her a kiss. He then walks past my table and all the table making sure to greet everyone that is sitting. He then whips out a cigar that is honestly about 2 feet long and begins smoking.

I ask my waiter about him and he says he comes in all the time and is a real nut job. He says he yells and causes a scene and runs up a huge tab. Then he dips out without paying and goes to a nearby restaurant and does the same. It was funny that this was such a common occurrence that all the waiters tried their best to steer clear and avoid him.

Textin Tiger 2

One of Tigers Ho's (she was a porn star... I cant believe it) just released a shitload of new texts from Tiger. They do not disappoint. If you get a chance watch the newest South Park episode that features Tiger. It is genius.

Tiger:Sent: 04″02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own
Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise
Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten
Tiger:Sent: 04:24 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. Now your talking. Whatever i want. You are mine

Tiger:Sent: 05:15 PM 08/29/2009:
I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth
Tiger:Sent: 05:18 PM 08/29/2009:
We will see how bad you want me
Tiger:Sent: 05:26 PM 08/29/2009:
Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy

Voicemails

Why Voicemails Suck

By Michael Johnston

This is why I think Voicemails suck. Take that back. Voicemails are the single worst thing in human existence... even worse then mosquitoes and Draculas. Name one person you know who enjoys checking their voicemails.... You can't... Doesn't exist. Listening to your voicemails is like taking a 3 minute S.A.T..

But why? There is simply too much time for preparation. The women talks and re-tells you the same exact number you fucking dialed seconds ago... Number by slow, excruciating, number. Thanks for re-telling me the number I just fucking dialed Beatrice! By the time you can finally talk its been like 3 minutes. When your words come out, it is so rehearsed and thought out it seems like your reading off a cue card. The President prepares less for his speeches.

Blah Blah Blah

Look at the creature above and tell me you don't recognize that person.

That is the crossing guard by my house. A slobbish woman who gossips all day. A couple of teachers I had. The guy who writes jokes for the Oscars and is on Hollywood Squares. Say hello to "The Whiner".

Slothman

Is it just me or do sloths look like they smoke a lot of weed? In every one of these pictures this mofo looks blazed. They might truly be the weirdest looking creatures on the planet. I'm going to make a superhero named "Slothman" who dresses up as one of them and climbs buildings with his claws. When he's not stopping crime he enjoys the marijuana and surfing.

Ad

I got to pay the bills. I'm going to start advertising here and this is the first one. I fully endorse this product... You can take a fat middle aged woman and turn her into a smoking hot underage girl. You can drop 21% and body fat and about 25 years. Don't you want to whisper sweet nothings into her ear?

Oscar Results

Well the Oscars are over and here is your list of winners....

BEST PICTURE

"Rock of Love 2"

I don't really agree with this one... My biggest problem is that it isn't actually a movie but a television show. It was shocking when it got announced since it wasn't even nominated.

BEST ACTOR

"Macho Man" Randy Savage in "WrestleMania 3"

Pretty spot on with this one.

BEST ACTRESS

Mo'Nique

The shock was not that she won but when they announced what role she won for... it was not for "Precious" like everyone expected, but for "Soul Plane". (True Story.... When I wrote this I put "Soul Plane" as a joke thinking she wasn't in it... just looked it up and she actually was in it.)

But seriously thank god Avatar didn't win... If I had my way "Where the Wild Things Are" would of took top honors. And how hot is Helen Mirren still? She's what now... like 74? That is a Gilf.

Modern Family

Modern Family is the best show on television right now. Just watched one episode and this makes "The Office" writing look sloppy. The dialogue is some of the tightest and best I have ever seen. The writing is unpredictable, and despite seeming a little wacky it times it stays pretty grounded in reality. It also has a ton of heart and does not rely on crude or shocking humor. This truly is must see TV.

Ask Sonic

Dear Sonic,

I was at my local flea market and I stumbled across this backpack? Care to explain?

Love,

Timmy

West Virginia

SONIC: Fuck... I knew that shit would come back to haunt me. You know you got a drug problem when your bootlegging your own god damn shit to get a fix. I was shocked that I'm not that big of a seller no mores... so I added the two things kids love most in this world... Harry Potter and Obama. I had to stop selling them shits cause some gook kids got seizures watching it in motion because of all the colors. God damn was I high when I made that shit.

Cool pictures with witty comments

This was from the Olympics....

Blowjobs were such a common occurrence in this building a sign was needed to prevent them. Apparently the only things you can't do in this building are suck d's and listen to the radio.

Oh Fuck is right...... Martin Lawrence now has 6 fingers. Actually none of these comments were that witty... Zach Galifinakis is hosting SNL this Saturday be sure to watch!

Bobby Womack - I Wish He Didn't Trust Me So Much

This song is pimp... Bobby Womack is telling his best friend not to go on business trips because he is going to fuck his wife... and to make it even better his best friend appears to be Apollo Creed. The point is Bobby Womack WILL fuck your wife.

Zoobooks!

You guys remember this commercial? I think I actually had a subscription to Zoobooks... now a days I just use them for jerk off material.. What?!

South Park

In this one episode of South Park someone makes a composite sketch of the characters. When they show it you see how the kids would look if they were real. I thought it was pretty cool... live action South Park movie? God I hope not.

Been had Yu-Gi-Oh! Cards!

BEEN HAD BOOTLEG MOVIES

" BEEN HAD" HUNDREDS

Gorillaz - Stylo

Best music video ever... it even has Bruce Willis. Also, this new Gorillaz album is bad ass.