Asylum Trip

THE HAUNTINGI was relaxing on one cold winter night. It might have been around this time. I was sitting there freezing gripping my forty of Bud tight. One of my friends comes over to me and asks, "You wanna go to this haunted abanonded insane asylum?" I didn't even have time to comprehend what was being asked because my instincts took over and I immediatly responded, "Yeah...Duh!" So I raced home to "prepare". I stumbeled into the house drunk and began looking for flashlights, gloves, blunt objects for defense. My dad watched in awe as I tore apart the closet, "What the hell are you doing?!" "Don't worry dad, Im going to this haunted abanoned insane asylum." His response was a simple, "Oh", and he walked away. I then changed my clothes and put on as many layers as possible. I knew just like everyone does, that ghosts love to tear clothing off.

So I was finally ready. I was ready to go take on the fucking Stay Puff Marshmellow man in downtown Manhattan! My friends were ready too, with police flashlights and knives. (You know how much ghosts hate being stabbed.) No but seriously, the reason we brought so many weapons was the fear of encountering schizophrenic homeless people or raccons. The name of the place was the Kings Park Asylum, out there deep in Long Island. We were all laughing in the car on the way there, smoking drugs, and saying how brave we were going to be. We even had a camera filming it to add to the Blair Witch-esque feel. I remeber as soon as we pulled into the place, which is HUUUUGE, that everyone became real quiet. The joking was over, and I looked up at the scariest looking building I've ever seen.......

Thats what I saw...but picture the darkest night sky ever behind it, and it being 1000 times scarier. I remeber thinking what everyone in that car was thinking, "Fuck this..." We parked the car off in some bushes, becuse cops patrol the area. That building above is the main building but this place is like a college campus, there are tons of other smaller buildings.

We got out of the car and prepared our equipment. We then journey to one of the buildings, and I swear to God, this is what happened....There was a sign that read, "WARNING: KEEP OUT", and as we walked near it, it just fell off the wall to the ground. "You know, I love this Goonie type shit, but THAT is a sign!" You must realize that we are not cowards, if anything, me and my friends are the epitome of masculinity. But I'm not going to lie, we were scared as shit. We walked over to the boarded up door and kicked the wood open and squeezed in to the building. What we then saw would scare any man out of his pants. It was a sight so scary that it made us retreat back to the car. What was it you asked.......

CAT BONES!

Yup...thats right...it was the perfect skeleton of a cat. It became very apparent to me that this place was haunted as soon as I saw this. My jaw dropped and I let out a yell like Mackualy Calkin putting the after shave on in "Home Alone".

We may not have conquered the asylum on that night, but we went back and went through it with absolutely no fear and the fun of that first night was gone. I'll never forget how scared we all were the first time, I never seen anything like it. The second trip we were like a whole different group of people and even took some documents as a souvenir. It was definetly a fun trip and I recommend going. Just google "Kings Park Asylum" and you'll see it on a bunch of "Most Haunted Places" websites. BOO! Scared you didn't I? And that is how we will end this....

SKEET SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER!

11/23/06

RACISM

Happy Thankgiving to all my peeps. Had a pretty good time. I was with my cousins and smoked right before dinner, I don't usually smoke any more. But, I had a great time sitting at the table stoned out of my face. No one caught on to it either. However, there are more important things for us to discuss.... like Racism. Has Cosmo Kramer ignited the first ever "Race Wars"? The sad answer is...probably yes. I think Kramer realizes this too....Hurricane Katrina might have been the match, but Kramer was the spark that lit it. It's going to be the whites on one side and the blacks on the other...the Spanish will be sitting back watching, the Native Americans will be running the casinos, and the Asians...well, an Asian has not been seen since the launch of the Playstation 3. Both sides will be armed with rakes and pickets and the fighting will be very uncivilized. Its going to be a "new-age" Civil War. And while we are killing each other, just think...this is all because of Cosmo Kramer.

http://lukecompany.ytmnd.com/

11/18/06

DORA THE SEXPLORER

At least I know what I want for Christmas now. I honestly can no believe this being released in stores. When they were sitting in their board meeting, and someone unveiled this, how could not one person yell out..."Thats a dildo!" You don't even have to be a pervert to think that. Just look at it...Would you really want your little daughter playing with that thing?! And why does it require 2 AAA batteries? What could it possibly do but vibrate?! Oh man...the lines for this will put the Playstation 3 to shame.

Heres a link if your interested in buying: http://www.amazon.com/Dora-Aquapet-Explorer-Wild-Planet/dp/B000IM15QI/sr=8-1/qid=1163704307/ref=sr_1_1/104-1413059-2779909?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-gamesAd

11/15/06

WORST SONG EVER

Just today I was thinking about some annoying songs from the past. First there was the Macarena. I hated that goddamn song, and I was probably the last person on earth to learn the dance. My freaking grandma knew it before me. Then there was "Who Let the Dogs Out?!" I listened to this song about a million times and that question is never answered. Was it the Baha Men? Im sure some people might not like Sisqo's "Thong Song", but I personally love it. That song single handedly made thongs acceptable for girls that weren't strippers. Now for worst song ever.....My second choice would have to be Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me". I fucking hated that song..."Banging on the counter". I hated every kid in my highschool that did something wrong and said, "It wasn't me!" And that skinny Indian guy in the video singing with Shaggy...Was I really suppose to believe he was "bangin" anyone?!But now its time to reveal my choice, for the worse song of ALL TIME. I present to you...LFO's Summer Girls!

[Chorus:]

New Kids On The block had a bunch of hits,

Chinese food makes me sick.

And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer,for the summer

I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,I'd take her if I had one wish,But she's been gone since that summer..Since that summer

Wow. Were these assholes getting paid by Abercrombie and

Fitch? And what the hell does the fact of getting sick by Chinese Food have to do with anything? Lets take a look at a verse.

You're the best girl that I ever did see,

The great Larry Bird Jersey 33

When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet

Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets

Call me Willy Whistle cause I can't speak baby

Something in your eyes went and drove me crazy

Why does Larry Birds good name have be dragged into this? And who in the blue hell is Willy Whistle?! I swear it just gets worse...

Left one day and never came back

Stayed all summer then went back home,

Macauly Culkin wasn't Home Alone

Fell deep in love,but now we ain't speaking

Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton

I disagree! Macauly Culkin was Home Alone! These are the worse lyrics of all time, without a doubt. Let me finish this rant with a little more....

You love hip hop and rock n roll

Dad took off when you were 4 years old

There was a good man named Paul Revere

I feel much better baby when you're near

Well, no argument there..Paul Revere was good man...Heres a link to the music video if your into self torture...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHuGG_FsC20

11/14/06

Ok, so this is how its gonna work...you can look over to the right and scroll down and you'll see all the former articles under the title, PREVIOUS POSTS. The ones that are simply dates, are just random thoughts...and I'm sorry if they might bore you! However, if you see something that has a title admist the dates, then its a story, and those are GUARANTEED to entertain you. Anyway....time to ramble. I think too many people are living life too fast. People need to just slow down and look around them. Life is beautiful, and I try to live each day like my last. That picture up above is a real photo taken at the hills east of Tehachapi, California. Thats where I want to live. I want to just run through that field while eating handfuls of shrooms. I went to a psychic once, and she told me in my past life I was Johnny Appleseed. That picture looks like God ate Skittles for 3 days straight and then shat all over some mountains. There is a Simple Life marathon on right now and I just realized Paris Hilton might be the first person I truly hate. I can't believe girls look up to her. Speaking of TV, I usually only really watch Sopranos, Entorague, and sports, but I saw Deal or No Deal for the first time and that show is bad ass. Maybe I just like it cause Howie Mandell hosts it and I have fond memories of Bobbies World.

BTW: Heres a really good snippet from Deal or No Deal: http://choice.ytmnd.com/

Villians of Maspeth

VILLIANS OF MASPETH!

I'm from the great town of Maspeth, in Queens. It has somewhat of a small town feel, mixed in with stinky, huge factories....and it is also filled with super villians. Yup... we had enough villians cramed into our little neighborhood to put a Marvel comic to shame. Ok, let me explain....We're jumping back in time here to when I was a young'n in elementery school (St. Stans! Holler mother fucker!). Back then they would give us a paper to "take home to our parents". Usually these papers warned of measels or chicken pox. However, during this one strecth of time, they became downright bizaare. Every week it would be a new warning about some sicko, fiend, or monster, that was lurking outside the school waiting for us. We used to read the sheet in horror, reading the description of a new villian. Right now, Im going to go over 3 of the fiendiest fiends!

He creeps along in a car following students as they leave the school building. He watches, and waits for the perfect opprotunity. Then...without warning...he throws a DART at the victim! I read this and let out a loud "WTF". You mean to tell me that there is a fucking Dartman in my town?! Not only do i have to worry about passing school, finding my way home (I'm bad with directions), but now I have to worry about a guy throwing a fucking dart at me?! A girl a grade below me happened to be the first and only victim. She was walking along one day when....THUMP! (or whatever sound a dart hitting flesh sounds like) Lucky for her the tip of the dart was contaminated with the HIV virus. You got the AIDS!!!

Next up on the list is everyone's favorite.... The "Bloods"! Everyone loves these gangbanging rascals! They apparently felt it was time to visit my town a visit right around Halloween. A note came warning that the "Bloods" were in town and were going to be waiting outside the school door for us to get out on Halloween day. I could just picture some thugged out guys in red bandannas standing with the moms waiting for the kids to get out. Why were the "Bloods" coming to get elementery students at 2:40 in the afternoon? I dont know. But it didn't matter! They were coming, and the note said, "They will ask you what time it is, and when you go to check your watch, they will slice your face with a boxcutter." Im not making that up, I swear to god that was the warning we got. I remeber a lot of kids stayed home that day in fear. As it turns out, it wasnt actually the Bloods, but it was the fake "Bloods". Oh that explains it...wait...Huh?

And finally....my personal favorite...The Exposer! Tell me, what beats a large black man in a trenchcoat who follows young school girls around and exposes his genitalia to them. That is actually my major in college. This guy has been a major influence on me, so much so, that I'm actually going to film a dark comedy loosely based on him soon. By the way, as to my knowledge he only flashed 3 girls, the Walter sisters. Just a quick thought: If there was a girl flashing herself to guys, you would not hear one complaint. I think guys would actually go looking for her.

And that about does it. So remeber...next time your walking through the dark alleways of Maspeth, you might just get hit with a dart, knifed up, and flashed. Have fun, Be Safe!

11/9/09

Conflict by MJ (Click image to see)

11/6/6

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Fist Lance Bass and now this?! In case you have been living under a rock, Doogie Howser has announced that he is gay. Are there any more straight role models for the kids?! This is definelty a big addition to the gay community, I mean c'mon, this guy was a freakin doctor when he was like 14. Now when I watch my Doogie Howser DVD's it just wont be the same! I thought Doogie liked girls! I remeber him macking it to nurses and Leukimia patients.

Wait a sec! You don't think the two of them were.....

That picture is a little akward. What the hell are they listening too? "Doogie, Listen too how fast my heart beats when were cheek to cheek."

10/32/06

The Day After Tomorrow

Who let the lame out? Yes, my second favorite holiday has come and gone. Now, we got the extremly lame Thanksgiving to look foward too. Fuck everything associated with that holiday, except Cranberry sauce. Spent Halloween at the city watching the parade in the village. I don't know if you know this, BUT.....(Spoiler Warning) There are GAY people in the village! I know.... I couldn't believe it either. Anyway, got some crazy pics of my adventure coming up soon. Im pretty beat right now but there is one thing you have to look at.....It may be my favorite thing I ever saw...

http://rapistsearch.ytmnd.com/