NES Classics - Bible Adventures

NES Classics - Bible Adventures

Oh shit.... a game based on religion so bad it would have turned Jesus H. Christ into an atheist. Did you know the H. in his name stood for Harry? Don't quote me on that because I am lying.

This was actually a gift given to me by my Aunt. Where she purchased this game I have no idea. First off the cartridge is oddly shaped from regular Nintendo games and it also does not contain the Official Nintendo stamp of approval. I think its safe to assume that this was a bootleg with the proceeds going to some Terror Facility in the Middle East.

The game is split into 3 different sub games. My recollection of the Bible is not as good as it once was, so forgive me if I butcher names and what not. The first game you played as Noah, and had to bring 2 of each set of animal onto your arc. Playing this game was probably harder then the actual shit Noah went thru. You pick up a sheep and then a millisecond later it runs out of grip all the way to the beginning of the level. You have to do this about 30 times before you finally get it onto the arc. In order to get the animal to stay on the arc you have to launch it 30 feet into the air into unconsciousness or simply beat it into a coma. I'm not joking either. I played this game for a total of 5 minutes before praying that God would send another flood.

The next game used basically the same engine except instead of throwing sheep and other animals, you were launching baby Jesus around. I'm not too sure what story this game is based on, but its apparently the one where Mary is running from Soldiers and her only option is to launch Baby Jesus over a River. Thinking back maybe it wasn't Baby Jesus but someone else. The other two games are based on Old Testament stories so maybe this one was too.... Maybe this game was made by the *Gasp* by the Jews!!!!!

The final game is the one I spent entirely too much time playing. It was based on the story of David vs. Goliath. You played as David traveling up huge mountains and at the very end you would finally confront the Giant Goliath. It became an obsession of mine to get to Goliath, but the game was so friggin hard. How could the graphical processing power of the Nintendo video game console reproduce a giant? Did they even have enough pixels? I needed to know. I was tempted to find out I almost loaded the game up to my Game Genie and used cheat codes, but then I figured that was probably a moral sin. I could imagine arriving at the gates of Heaven only to have God say, "You used the Game Genie on my video game you mother fucker?!"