The Bare Burger (Vegan, LBGTQ Friendly, average Burger Joint)

 

 Their logo "Bear" is definitely involved in sex trafficking. He looks like a Dr.Seuss drawing gone wrong."

I’m eating at a burger joint thats trendy and think’s its more important the to the planet earth than it is. Plastered on every menu and free wall space is propaganda saying how they use the freshest beef. Cows that were fed with the finest food, didn’t get their utters pulled without consent, and book read every night before being tucked in. Basically a much better childhood then I had. Ok fuck it… I was at Bareburger. A pretentious upscaled overpriced upscale White Castle that doesn’t taste as good. Oh your Vegan friendly? Go fuck your mother. If your going to a burger joint to eat Vegan shit just fuck off. Eat your mix of cauliflower, mushrooms, lettuce, and kale while you watch me eat raw beef that bleeds every time I take a bite.

I love how most of these Vegans are Atheist but care so much how animals are treated while genocide is happening in Africa. “You believe in nothing Lebowski!” These are the same people who haven’t removed their Vote for Hillary bumper stickers. I’m no Trump fan but research Hillary and she has a lot of blood on her hands. Picking between Trump and Hillary was like choosing between AIDS and Cancer.

Sorry my ADHD took my brain controls. (Apparently the term ADD is now extinct) I’m sitting alone at the bare (I’m and only child) eating a burger. Besides me are two of the most generic corporate caucasian crackers I have ever seen in my life. One of them does not say a single word as the other rambles on and on about his job; “Christina is great at her job but she was too overqualified. She was great at bankroll and accounts payable…. I like making six figures but for the blah blah blah!” Holy Fuck! They might as well have been speaking Chinese. This is literally all I heard them talk about. It me me so angry I wanted to grab the one kid and make him bite the curb. I thought to myself, If I ever sit in a Bareburger dressed in my finest dress shirt from J.C. Penny talking about this soulless bullshit please just kill me. I wanted to kill both these guys and then kill myself. While they were having this “conversation” I could literally hear their souls dying. These dorks made me embarrassed to be white… they probably dont even know Nipsey Hussle died. They were Four-O-ONE-GAY! I just thought of that… comedic genius.

As a white guy why do I feel like I’m in “Get out” when I go to these rich suburbs? You know why in the hood they call it “Soul Food”? Because they haven’t lost their god damn souls to capitalism.

Offending Old Rich White Women.

This summer I spent a week in the Hamptons. If I stayed a minute longer it was about to become Grand Theft Auto: Hampton Bays. There's only so much of watching wealthy bored Caucasians look at antiques and browse bookstores for shit they will never read one man can take. The entitlement there is astonishing. People have Yachts literally worth more then countries. You ever wanted to feel like a poor underachieving failure.... go visit the Hamptons. (That's actually their slogan on the shirts)

But here's the thing.... all the money can't buy soul. Look behind their overpriced Ray Ban Polarized Sunglasses and you will see emptiness... dead eyes... like a dolls or a shark. They sit around making fun of minorities for all dressing and acting the same while they themselves do the exact same. There is an unofficial "uniform" to the Hamptons and if your not wearing boat shoes, white shorts, and a polo you will get some dirty looks. Sandals can also be substituted... I hate a man wearing sandals... there is nothing uglier then men feet but that's a rant for another day.

So back to me... After walking around in my JNCO jeans, Airwalk sneakers, and Chain wallet (to stop thievery) for a week and hearing all the whispers behind my back I snapped. I was driving when this entitled elderly woman, who probably just left her multi million dollar home after her breakfast of wine and xanax , wanders out in to the middle of the street. I hit the breaks and she gives me a judging stare... not impressed by my 14 year old car or the profanity laced rap music that was blasting out of it. "Learn How to Drive!" How dare this bitch say that to me for nearly running her over! Something inside me snapped and I had to let her have it. I needed a dagger like insult that would shatter her whole meticulously constructed world. My first instinct is to say, "Fuck you bitch!" (NOTE: The highest level of education I achieved is a Bachelors... and it was in Communications.. so basically I'm a highschool graduate) Before I uttered out my ignorancy, a moment of genius came over me....

"Watch where your going... nigger." As soon as I finished I could see the look on her face... confusion, fear, anger, arousal. I could literally see her brain melt out of her ears. NEVER in her life has she been called the n-word... the word she only utters in the privacy of her mansion with Mr. Joseph Yoder. And it was being hurled at her from someone of her own race. She literally froze in her tracks unaware of what to do or say. I didn't break eye contact and a staring contest ensued. Finally she dropped her head and scurried off. Where she went... I don't know. But I can imagine!

I imagine an immaculate bedroom. The maid cleaned it earlier this morning but as of now clothes are thrown about. Empty pill and wine bottle spewed across the floor amid the designer dresses and shoes. A shitty little Pomeranian barks feverishly at something. Pan over and we see this "fucking bitch" hanging from a bed post by her finest Kate Spade scarf. And that's my story... Have a great day I'm off to see my psychiatrist.