10/26/2006

Shrimp Sauce pt. 2

"Even Mo' Shrimp Sauce"

Ok, so we were at Benny Hanna's; we had the bad chef. This has all been established in part 1 of this epic, and if you were too damn lazy to read it, scroll down or look to the right at the previous articles. Now, where was I....Ok. At Benny Hannas, every table is seated with about 6 people....6 random people. If you go with 4 friends, your going to sit with 2 strangers. We went with 5 people, so we were given one stranger at our table. This stranger was the sassiest, largest, black women, who looked like she jumped right off the Maple Syrup bottle. Now everyone knows that I love sassy black women. They are never afraid to speak whats on their mind, and I knew as soon as I saw this women, she would make my dinner that much more enjoyable.

As soon as we sat down, the first thing she said to the chef was, "You got the shrimp sauce?" He said not to worry and kept cooking. This women was a Benny Hanna's veteran, and came not for the gimmicky environment, but for the food. As I tried to encourage the chef to do more tricks, she gave me a look like, "Why don't you tell him to cut the bullshit, and lets eat!"

So the first thing we ate was shrimp fried rice. She demanded shrimp sauce and totally overloaded on it. Nothing odd about that. Up next however, was the chicken teryiaki. Before it was served she demanded, "Mo' shrimp sauce!" She then took the shrimp sauce and poured it all over the chicken. My jaw hit the floor. "What the fuck?! That sauce is for the shrimp! It's called "shrimp" sauce for Christ's sake!" She smiled as she stuffed a piece of chicken in her mouth, "You don't know bout the secret. This is the secret....You put this shrimp sauce on everything!" Apparently only a few people were let in on this "secret", and she was now inviting me in. Without warning, she handed me the shrimp sauce and said, "try it."

It was not an option for me. Her eyes brunt a hole in my soul as she watched me, anxiously waiting for me to put on the shrimp sauce. Now me, being a logical, sane, person, knows that no shrimp sauce belongs on chicken. I didn't want to put it on but I knew I had no option. So I slowly took off the cap, and put the tiniest amount humanly possible onto my chicken. It was like a single drop. Her smile quickly turned to a frown. She looked at me with utter disappointment. "That's it?!" She exclaimed while staring at me. I now looked like a deer caught in the headlights. What was I going to do. I started to stutter and got out a, "Of course not!' I then put some more on, and looked for her approval. Then I went shrimp fucking sauce crazy and loaded the chicken with it. She smiled, "There you go!" I picked up a piece and put the fork to my mouth very slowly. (I dont know how to use chop sticks.) I knew it was going to suck. I shoved it in my mouth and tried to swallow it. "Thats good right?" I looked at her while chewing and wanted to throw up all over the table, but instead I forced a fake smile. Then when the meal was done, this women made the chef pack up some cups of shrimp sauce for her home usage.

I said I had to go to the bathroom, excused myself, and went and made the call. Later that night she went into the parking lot and entered her car. And as soon as she turned the key...KA-BOOM! Thats for ruining my dinner! Ok...this last part is not true, but I had no other idea how to end this story. Hell, I don't even know why, of all the crazy stuff that happened me, I chose this to write about. Its weird sometimes, the stuff you remember.

10/24/2006

That image to the left is an orginal drawing by yours truly....Pretty cool right? Anyway, I just posted part 1 of the shrimp sauce story and part 2 is on the way. Got a stupid school camping trip Friday for a class I was tricked into taking called "Adventure Club". Let me tell you, adventures aren't always fun, and mountain climbing isn't as cool as it looks. But that dont matter, cause Halloween is knocking on the door. The best idea I heard for a costume so far is Dog The Bounty Hunter. I might have to steal that one....

Movie to See: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Quote of the Day: "I wish just once someone would call me sir, without adding, your making a scene."
Link of the Day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo6UndqwXmA

Shrimp Sauce

"MO' SHRIMP SAUCE!"

The first story from my journey to Cleveland. The question I always get asked is, "Why the hell did you go to Cleveland?!" Well, my response to you is, "Why not Cleveland?" Don't you know that Cleveland rocks? In actuality..... it doesn't. Even the Rock & Roll hall of fame was pretty lame. Tell me why Avril Lavigne's wifebeater and Lance Basses assless chaps are even in there? And if you dare try to take a picture of anything there, security will treat you like an Arab trying to board a plane with wires sticking out of his shoes. But enough about all that, I want to tell a story bout' some shrimp sauce!

We were real hungry one night, and the 2 day old Papa John's bacon slices weren't looking so appetizing anymore. And that's not even a joke; I remeber waking up, grabing a beer, and then carefully inspecting every slice in that box to see which one had the least mold on it. The living conditions were worse then what the Arabic prisonsers faced in Guantanamo Bay prison. This one night however, we decided it was time to get classy. So we planned to go to the overpriced Benny Hanna's Japanese resturant. We pulled our fanciest, extremly wrinkled clothes out of the suitcases and proceeded to this overpriced resturant. The frequent use of the word overpriced is not due to my lack of a mastery of the verbal arts, I can assure you, but that motherfucker is overpriced!

Ok so for those of you who don't know, Benny Hannas is the resturant where they cook right in front of you and do "tricks". These "tricks" aren't anything spectactular, and I wind up doing these same "tricks" when I'm drunk and trying to make grilled cheese at 4 in the morning. The only difference is I'm not trying to do them. Actually, I take that back, some of the guys are pretty good..it's just that the guy cooking for us sucked. I should've known he wouldnt be good when every other chef was Japanese and he was Spanish. It reminded me of a bad scene in a comedy movie...I could just picture cops chasing him down the alleway outside and he dipped into Benny Hannas to hide out...BUT...he had to get dressed up as a chef and go do the whole routine without having any idea what he was doing. HA HA HA HA! Oh man, what a scene that would be! I found myself watching the tables besides us as the chef stood on one leg while juggling shrimp and tossing them into the hungry customers mouths. Then I looked back at our guy as he told corny jokes and warned us not to touch the grill for the hundreth time. Shit, this story is running pretty long and I haven't even touched on the shrimp sauce or the sassy black woman....I think I'm going to have to post part 2 at a later date.

TO BE CONTINUED....

The Walrus Story

"I AM THE WALRUS"

This story has, up to now, just been passed about by word of mouth. Much the same way that a lot of great legends are...like Hercules, or even Jesus. But you see, much like the telephone game, the story gets warped and changed from person to person. I thought it was about time that I finally wrote down the accounts of what happened that day; cause god forbid if I get killed tomorrow and this tale is lost forever. The Beatles have a song called, "I Am The Walrus". I never understood the title until I went to the Aquarium that day. Its true...I am the Walrus!

It happened at Coney Island, in the New York Aquarium. It was free pass day so you know all the winners were out. People who waited all summer for this one money free day of fish viewing. It was a melting pot of cultures; but all of our beliefs, and differences, would be thrown aside for a brief period in time. You see, it was in that darkened hallway, staring at that glass tank with fingerprints smeared all over it, that it would happen...

Everyone was gathered from all the different burroughs of New York. We were watching the tank in anticipation, waiting for him to arrive. All of a sudden a magnificent creature, molded from the image of God appeared, and he had both his hands...ummm...fins over his privates. Everyone looked on in amazement as he came uncomfortably close to the glass. A small black child walked closer in amazement; it was a touching moment as his eyes locked with the walruses. Then the Walrus quickly moved his fins away exposing a HUUUUGE cock! Bet you didn't see that one coming! The whole room was thrown into a frenzy....a joyous frenzy. But this creature wasn't done yet....He then took both fins and started jerking off. The black child eyes widened in shock as his father yelled, "Back up before he pokes your eye out!" The frenzy in the room was now out of control as everyone was running about and laughing and screaming. It felt like Christmas morning if none us knew Santa wasn't real. Black, White, Spanish, and Asian were all joined together in this celebration of life. At this one moment, racism was dead in the world.

The Walruses penis then retracted into his body (I swear, they can do this) and he covered his privates again with both fins. I swear to god I then saw a smirk come across this mothefuckers face. Was the show over? Disappoinment hung over the room. NOPE! He quickly moved his fins away again exposing his penis. He now took both fins and started masterbating like a wild man. He was using all the strength in his magnificently made body. You can then guess what happened. An explosion the likes of which is reserved for the fourth of July. Yup...he went to completion..he released the seed man! The black man next to me jaw dropped as he exclaimed, "OH SHIIIIIIIIIIT!" I swear it was said in slow motion. Then all of a sudden, Aerosmith's "Sweet Emotion" started playing as the Walrus pulled out a cigarrette. Ok, that last part was a lie...But i swear everything else in this story is 100 percent completly true.

Now going back to the Beatles; I am the Walrus. Everyday I am being observed and feel like I am stuck in a tank. Everyone watching my every move, and critizing every little thing I do. Well its time for me to say, "Fuck You!" and go pleasure myself right in front of them. The message of this story is, "Fuck What other people think!" and to jerk off.

10/20/06

ROCKY & THE METS
The above picture is from Rocky 3. That is what I call true friendship in the visual form. And that would've been me and my friend embracing, if the Mets had won and were heading to the World Series. Instead, I witnessed what had to be the toughest defeat in sports for me since the '94 Knicks. You know whats funny; when I first saw Rocky and Apollo splashing around in the tighest shorts since 80's gym classes, I found nothing homoerotic about it at all. Now when I look back at it, It might be the gayest scene in the history of film. But screw that, cause the Rocky series is amazing and I know the new film will give me more goosebumps then R.L. Stein.

Movie To See: The Departed
Quote of the Day: "Even a broken clock is right at least twice a day."
Link of the day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfFvKyLrGYc