6.30.07

WHAT THE FUCK?!
For the first time ever I feel like I am George Jetson and I am in the fucking future. That might be the most shocking shit I've ever seen, it made me piss my pants. And I thought the iPod was impressive. That thing is crazy! And its only 10 thousand dollars....sarcasm. I cant wait till I'm at a restaurant and spill beer all over it like a drunk idiot, and get electrocuted to death.

Die Hard Review

So here is my movie review for the new Die Hard flick. I absolutely HATED this film, to the point were I was going to leave the theater. It was probably the most over the top film I have ever seen. It has Bruce Willis launching cars off ramps at helicopters, jumping out of 90 mph cars and walking away fine, and a weird French guy who can basically "fly" with no explanation. The plot is a basic connect the dots action movie. Willis is the old cop who doesn't talk to his wife and kids and feels alone in the world. He is very old school and feels like he really hasn't accomplished anything. Heres the cool twist people! He saves a new school, technology geek and they are like total opposites...but guess what! Even though they might argue over what station to play on the radio, they become best friends, to the point where they would die for each other. The third act of the film also introduces Bruce Willis' daughter, who might actually be the strongest written character, but she just feels like an after thought. There is also a suprise cameo by Silent Bob as a uber hacker. They build him up the whole movie, and when he
is finally revealed, you feel like you got jerked off and didn't cum. It's basically the same thing as Wedding Crashers, but that movie gave you a awesome cameo by Will Ferrell. This tries the same thing but fails. The action sequences are decent, but way too over the top. In the first Die Hard, Willis is human. He can be hurt, and you feel for him as he runs barefoot over glass. In this film, he is a indestructible robot. You know whether he is shot, or thrown out of a speeding car, he will be absolutely fine. This might be one of the worse movies I have ever seen. I give it zero stars, I rather go and piss out kidney stones then have to re watch this shit. I hate it so much that I can't even talk to people about it. My hatred is so strong that I could honestly come to blows with someone that likes this film. Typing this up right now I'm getting filled with some much rage I'm about to go pull a Benoit. (Too soon)

Myths

Crazy things people have sworn to me were true:

-Horses that lose races are turned into glue
-McDonald's burger meat is made from meal worms
-Yaggermeister is made from deers blood
-Rotten meat can form maggots without a fly planting the eggs
-Cats steal baby's breath
-"El Duque" played baseball with Fidel Castro
-Richard Gere shoved a gerbal up his ass
-Lil Kim has her stomach pumped for semen
-Lance Bass is gay
- If you flash your car lights at someone with them off, they will follow and kill you to get initiated into a gang
-There is a dancing ghost statue in the cemetery in my neighborhood
-Dr. Frankenstein is buried there too
-The chicken at the Chinese place is actually cat
-AIDS spread to humans from a black guy fucking a gorilla

6.21.07

I love Japan. I want to go there so bad. To me, it looks like the fucking future over there. The Japanese also have some of the best and quirkiest humor. Did you know that they have a train that goes like 1000 mph and it has no wheels! WTF?! That thing travels at light speed with no friggin wheels! Japan also has some of the greatest game shows I have ever seen. Some of the best ideas I have ever seen. Here is a clip from a game called "Human Tetris". This is hilarious.

6.19.07

Why Grandad Is Hot

See more like this on kontraband.com

I'm too lazy to actually write anything anymore. So I'd figured I'd just post this old crazy son of a bitch getting down. If you can sit here and watch the whole thing you win a prize.

6.18.07

BOB BARKERS FINAL EPISODE OF "PRICE IS RIGHT"

6.17.07

I am officially "mooshad". I don't even have anything witty to say, and feel a huge void on my Sunday nites now that Sopranos is gone. That show was in my life for 10 years and I feel like a friend has died. I actually like the new Maroon 5 album, which is weird considering I could barely stand the first one. It is pop-ish of course, but you can tell the influence by Prince, Jackson, and The Police...I heard that movie "Knocked Up" is funny. I don't know why, but I REALLY do not want to see that. The ad's for it just kinda piss me off. Hostel 2 bombed, which is actually suprising to me. For some reason, chicks now a days love seeing ppl get tortured, but apparently this movie "takes it too far". I dont get these new "horror" movies now a days. When I was a kid, "horror" movies were campy and something you laughed at. It was meant to be a fun experience with a few quick scares thrown in. Now, these movies show someone getting tortured at a slow pace...how is that enjoyable to watch? I truly don't get it, and I dont understand how the fuck Fantastic Four 2 opened at number 1. Fuck these superhero movies...did anyone watch the first Fantastic Four? It was god awful! Noticing these movie trends, I have begun writing a new script; a script to capatilize and make the moolah. I call it "Whoop That Trick". Its about this guy who gains super powers from the increasingly terrible ozone layer. The ultraviolet rays give him super strength and he fights the bad guys. But when he captures them, he tortures them....I'm talking sick shit like no one has ever seen before. Oh, and it stars Queen Latifah.

Sopranos Final Scene

This has become one of my favorite scenes in the history of cinema. I absolutely love the tension that is created here. One thing I've noticed re-watching it, is how short it actually is. When I was watching it live, it seemed like it moved in slow motion and felt like a hour.

Jury Duty

When you die, I know what happens. Most of us aren't good enough to go straight heaven, and were not quite bad enough for hell...so lets be honest here, were going to Purgatory. I'm like 90 percent sure that Purgatory is the DMV. You get a number and just sit there and wait....and wait...and wait. I truly hate the DMV. Well; jury duty is basically the same shit. I woke up today at 7 AM and made my way to the Brooklyn court house. I had my MP3 player on the whole time as I strutted in. My plan was to act like the biggest, cockiest, prick in the world, in hopes that I wouldn't have to serve. This wasn't that much of a stretch for me. I didn't even walk, I strutted about like 2Pac and had my music blasting the whole time. I cursed excessively. I sat so low in my chair I was practically laying on the floor, and I kept both feet up on the chair in front of me. Take notes people. You don't get out of this shit by talking, its all about the body language. If you lie and say your a racist or something, they will fuck you over. Anyway, 50 of us got called in to the go to a court room. It was a real ragtag bunch of people, and one of these guys had to be homeless. Nobody wanted to wait for the next elevator, so I swear, all 50 of us crammed into one. It was a real melting pot of cultures. White kids, old black women, spanish kids, Hasidic Jews, suburban moms, a mafiaso man in "construction", and that homeless guy, who I got stuck pressed up against. Finally we got in and it was time for questioning. People tried to weasle their way out, and some succeeded by talking about relatives in law enforcement. The case was for gun possesion. It was some black Beanie Segal look alike, who apparently had a gun in a school zone. He was also from Brownsville. Shit. If I lived in Brownsville I would carry a gun too. I could care less that he had a gun, as long as it was for protection, who really cares? Ok, so he was in a school zone. According to my research, black kids don't shoot up schools; Its the whites and asians that do that. Now this is where the story gets really good. The whole time since I walked in and sat down, I noticed this kid staring at me. I was unfazed and stared right back at him, and soon enough we were grilling more then George Foreman. I could sense that there was tension and a little hostility. After a lot of questioning, we were allowed a break to go to the bathroom or whatever. I picked up my MP3 player and put the shuffle on. The kid got up, while our eyes were still locked and walked out of the courtroom. I skipped to the next song and Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" came on. I watched as the homeless guy scrunged up some newspapers to use as a pillow, and began to take a nap on one of the benches. The mafiaso man was reading the New York Post, but I guess he could see me looking and his eyes leered over at me, I quickly turned away. I watched the lawyers as they talked to the judge about their picks, and eyed down each one of us. The one lawyer pointed right over in my direction, and said something as the judge nodded. The song was now picking up...."The Movie Goes On and On and On." All of a sudden I looked over and saw the defendant come walking back in again and he

6.10.07

Sopranos Finale Explained...

I know some people are outraged by the Sopranos ending. I thought it was freaking genius....Shit; my favorite show ever ended with Journey's "Dont Stop Believing." I kinda figured Tony gets killed, and there was a reason Meadow wasn't sitting next to him. This season they have stressed that when death comes, you dont see it or hear it. That is exactly what happened. This was the most realistic potrayal of death I have ever seen on film. No big spectacale. You don't even know what the hell happened. Things seem normal and peacful, Journey is blasting, and then BAM! Just straight up darkness and silence, your dead. I also found this post from some dude on a message board and found it interesting. Here check it out:

"So here is what I found out. The guy at the bar is also credited as Nikki Leotardo. The same actor played him in the first part of season 6 during a brief sit down concerning the future of Vito. That wasn't that long ago. Apparently, he is the nephew of Phil. Phil's brother Nikki Senior was killed in 1976 in a car accident. Absolutely Genius!!!! David Chase is truly rewarding the true fans who pay attention to detail.So the point would have been that life continues and we may never know the end of the Sopranos. But if you pay attention to the history, you will find that all the answers lie in the characters in the restaurant. The trucker was the brother of the guy who was robbed by Christopher in Season 2. Remember the DVD players? The trucker had to identify the body. The boy scouts were in the train store and the black guys at the end were the ones who tried to kill Tony and only clipped him in the ear (was that season 2 or 3?).Absolutely incredible!!!! There were three people in the restaurant who had reason to kill Tony and then it just ends. This was Chase's way of proving that he will not escape his past. It will not go on forever despite that he would like it to "don't stop". Not the fans!!! Tony would like it to keep going but just as we have to say goodbye, so does he. No more Tony and I guess we are supposed to be happy that Meadow didn't get clipped as well (she would have been between the shooter and Tony) since she is the only one worth a crap in that family."

Quiz Question:

According to Biggie Smalls, he wants a girl that is "educated" because?A.) He loves intelligent women

B.) He wants a career woman

C.) So he cant bust up on they glasses.

6.09.07

Ahoy Mateys! MJ here, reporting live from Hollywood, Florida. I guess I really should comment on this seeing as I haven't seen coverage like this since OJ Simpson didn't kill his wife. I was actually watching the breaking news of Paris getting released with my Grandpa, who is full Italian, real old school, and a real hard ass. I will now recount what it was like watching it with him...

He stares at the TV angrily, "Who cares about this whore?!" He then watches as she leaves the police car..."How does the hell dos she have hair?!" I look at him with a bewildered look, thinking he might have just lost his mind. "I thought she shaved her head bald?" Oh now I get it, he confused her with Britney Spears. My grandpa then begins rambling how society is shit now. He then claims if he had a button to "destroy all the planets, people and everything he would push it and let it all restart". He says this and gives me a very serious look and tells me he's not joking. He sits back and thinks about it for a second, before making an adjustment, "Actually I would let the animals live, cause they don't bother anyone." Holy shit! My Grandpa is exactly like Tony Soprano. He even refuses to watch the Belmont Stakes horse race because he is afraid to see the horse fall and get hurt. But he says he doesn't give a damn about the horse rider.

Ok so Paris is now back in jail. This is really crazy...she yelled out, "I don't deserve this!" HA HA HA! This is so crazy I can't believe some Hollywood writer didn't put this together.

Tomorrow is the Sopranos season finale. Boy, am I amped. I actually just found out yesterday that just about the whole cast is having a viewing party at this casino like 5 blocks away from my place in Florida. I went to try and get tickets but was told, "High rollers only". WOW. They obviously do not know how I roll.

Awesome. I got to wake up at 5 in the morning and get to the airport and on a plane. Joy. I figure that the terrorists usually sleep late into the afternoon, so I should be pretty safe.

Heres looking at you kid...

6.6.07

Hey douchebags...I'm writing this from Hollywood, Florida. I shouldn't have connection rite now, but I'm pirating a signal from the Continental hotel. First off let me just say....FUCK! Fuck this weather! Its pourring over here, and the schedule says rain for like a 100 days. Hurricane "Pain in My Balls" is here. What a way to ruin my vacation. I sat in the rain in New York, and I swear, the rain clouds must have followed me to Flordia. Thanks a lot Mother Nature....you whore! Heres a fun little fact, rite down the block from me is the casino where Anna Nicole Smith died. How awesome is that?! Thats similiar to like the cave where Jesus was buried. I hear Anna gives people visions over there. But truthfully, I'm pretty pissed. I wanted to just lay out on the beach...I wanted lifes a beach! But now, lifes a bitch...HA HA HA! I so just thought of that.

A Day at the Track...

WHASSUP?!

yO Yo yO! Whats up dudes and dudettes?! Just thought I'd tell you Millhouses about my day. I went to the horsetrack for the first time to bet on some stallions. I walked in there not knowing my ass from my elbow, and it showed as experienced degenerate gamblers looked me up and down and undressed me with their eyes. I sat down at a table under a steel umbrella and, i swear this is true, felt something huge plop down onto my shoulder. I looked over and saw the hugest pile of bird shit. I then looked up in the air for the culprit and their wasn't a bird anywhere. How in the blue hell?! I was under a fucking umbrella made of STEEL! I knew this was a sign of good luck and refused to wipe the shit off. The first race had a horse named "Kriss Angel". The Mind Freak! I now some of you might not believe in magic, but it's real and this guy does it. How could I not bet on a fucking horse named after a "Mind Freak". Sure, its odds weren't the greatest but guess what....First place! It was not even a surprise to me...I don't know how anyone could bet against that horse....its called Magic people! Next up was the big win...I used my intricate method of analyzing the names. I saw one named "Seventeen Love" and knew that was it. Why that horse you ask? I rather not say due to something called statutory rape. Anyway..it was a 12-1 underdog, I bet 7 dollars and guess what...First Place! This stallion bagged me $45. All in all, I highly recommend going to the track with a few friends and having a few beers. Bring your own beers tho, its like baseball prices there. They also got Nathans, Sbarro, and Carvel in there if you get hungry. Its a good place to go for a Lazy Sunday Afternoon...I mean where else are you gonna go? Church?