Valedicktorianne

Below is my Valedicktorianne speech for my upcoming college graduation. Above is a tattoo a real guy who got arrested had.

It's a great honor being your Valedicktorianne. When I first heard I was being given this honor I ran to my dictionary to look the word up and find the correct spelling. I never was much of a "word finder" and soon realized my attention span is way to short to find such a complex word. To truly understand the meaning of the word, we must disect it. "Vale" - You add a "t" to this and its "valet". You are in charge of the parking lot, you control people's cars, and when a valet is present, it's usually expensive cars. Thats a big job title right there. "Dick" - I hear this is slang now a days for the male penis, not to be confused with the female penis. This is kind of important too. And finally you have "Tori" and "Anne", the names of the two women who starred in "2 Girls, 1 Cup". Wow. This is some big shit.. or as the Italians would say; Grande shit. Is Kriss Kringle the real name of Santa Claus? And if so why does "Santa" use this alias. Or is Kriss Kringle simply a Santa Claus impersonator? So in closing they asked me to give some advice to the future graduates... don't go with AT&T service, my cell phone doesn't get a ring tone anywhere.