X-Ass!

Its X-Mas! Time to watch Jean Claude Van Damme movies. Starting this year it will be my new tradition, to watch Van Damme movies all day.  I just rewatched the film "Kickboxer". This is probably the funniest film of all time... honestly. To me this and Nicholas Cages "Wicker Man" are running neck and neck. The acting in those films is so god awful it makes porn actors look like they deserve the Oscar. Go out and watch "Kickboxer" ASAP!

Your dick bleeding?

Last night I was painting. When I'm panting you know X-Mas is approaching, because many a person will get a painting for a gift. So I'm painting and I got some red paint on my my leg. (I paint wildly and violently) So I go to bed that night, and while tossing and turning, I smeared some red paint on my bed sheets. So when I got home today, my dad obviously seeing the paint, asked me, "Your dick bleeding?" No.... I'm actually lying, it was just my dick bleeding again. No truthfully tho... it was paint.

12.22.08

This is the greatest thing SNL has ever done.

The Wrestler

"The Wrestler" is the top movie of 2008. Hell, it might even be in my top 10 of all time... it's that good.  This films tops all the rest by leaps and bounds, topping right above "Burn After Reading For Me". And for those "Dark Knight" groupies, I think that film is average and that "Iron Man" is the better superhero movie. Lets get to the "Wrestler" movie.

The movie has some similarities to "Rocky" and a story similar to "Rocky Balboa", just take out many of the feel good moments. This film is gritty and real. Even the picture is drained and far from vibrate... it kind of feels like watching a movie on VHS. The pacing is a throwback to classic films of the 70's, and isn't coked up like today's standards. The film is sad, but there are some really funny comedic moments. The comedy is similar to that that Rocky provides. Most of the comedy is the fact that Mickey Rourke is out of touch with today's society and the whole ridiculousness of the professional wrestling industry. But the comedic relief is necessary, because you don't want a film that takes itself too serious. I was laughing out loud really hard at some points. The cinematography is amazing, utilizing handheld work to give it a more authentic feel. The camera tends to follow behind Mickey Rourke a lot, putting us more in his shoes and adding more impact to the close-ups of beaten face.

Now I read some negative reviews to see what people could possibly not like about this film. The main problem they have is that the film is too realistic, and doesn't pull no punches or cut the camera away. When Rourke is getting staples pulled out of his back, you will see it in all its gory detail. Just like real life, you have to deal with it....the camera doesn't cut away last second for your benefit, just like life often times does not do things for your benefit. This film also might have one of the goriest scenes I have ever seen.... Not to give it away, but it takes place while Rourke is working in a deli. They also say the nudity from Marisa Tomei is excessive. She's a stripper. They tend to be naked a lot.

To find faults in this film one really has to nitpick. I honestly can't think of anything wrong with it. Mick Foley, a professional wrestler, wrote a review of it, and he said it was a perfect rendition of the wrestling world after the glory. I recommend to this movie to anyone, and then I recommend you go out and rent the documentary, "Beyond The Mat". A lot of Mickey Rourke's character comes from the Jake "The Snake" segments in that film. Go out and see this one now.

Top News Stories of 2008

http://www.asylum.com/2008/05/27/mechaphiliac-admits-to-having-sex-with-1-000-cars/


What? This guy is not attracted to humans anymore.. only cars. He has had sex with 1,000 cars. Huh? How do you have sex with a car? Do you stick your dick in the gas tank?



http://www.khou.com/topstories/stories/khou080508_tj_pothead.df5885e1.html

Here's another story that's not short on crazy. Some teenagers dug out the corpse of a 11 year old child and converted the skull into a bong. Nice.



http://gawker.com/5030531/dead-monster-washes-ashore-in-montauk

Then there was this... jeez, what the fuck is that?! This monster that washed up on a beach in Montauk. Thank god its dead whatever it is. Too ugly to live.



http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory?id=4984659

Then there's this guy who plowed his car into a bicycle race. The pic in the article is one of the coolest photos of the year.



http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/topstories/news-article.aspx?storyid=115369&catid=15

Then this idiot who called 911 twice because Subway wasn't making his sandwiches right.




http://guanabee.com/2008/09/woman-dressed-as-cow-makes-bes.php

Heres a huge black woman who pissed on her neighbors porch while dressed as a cow... complete with an amazing mugshot.

Iron Sheik VS Fake King Kong Bundy

amazing too

Iron Sheik Uses Beer Bottle to Humble!

amazing

12.18.08

I love this friggin video.... theres something eerie about the footage used, the lyrics, and the melody. The quick flashes of the smiling Cobain's is odd too. I have had this recent obsession with Kurt Cobain, watching tons of footage and and reading info about him. Its like i never realized the aura this man had until just now. I also feel that a lot of Heath Ledgers character draws a lot of inspiration from Kurt. I read that Heath said Johnny Rotten was his inspirational source, but I see much more Cobain.... another film character inspired by him...  especially in the looks department is Tyler Durden... look at the pics above... anyone else see it?

Also saw "The Wrestler". Don't walk.... RUN to go see it. I'm listing it as my film of 2008 right now... but i got to think that over before I finalize that claim. I'll have a full review soon.

Great Album Covers

MOST EXPLICIT RAP SONG EVER!!!

I have finally found it! I have found the most vile, dirtiest, explicit rap song of all time. I have been searching a long time to find this... leading to many a DMX song... but here it is... I present to you Plies "Get You Wet". These are lyrics that would




Here are the lyrics to the second verse; the most vile in all of rap.

HOOK:
Bet if i suck on dat pussy *bet* dat'll get you wet
An rub my hand on dat clit *bet* dat'll get you wet
And rub my tounge down ya neck *bet* dat'll get you wet
Bet if i suck on dem tities bet dat'll get you wet

VERSE:
if i can't hear dat pussy smackin' it ain't wet enough
need to be able to hear it when i got you in a buck
need to see that pink shinnin when i open her up
pussy full of juices nigga hittin nuthin but guts
gotta be able to get you leekin before i fuck
and got to get you off first before i neven nut
i love ta run down on a broad dat got a soaker super wet pussy
you can hear it when you stroke her,
nigga whole stomach be wet
when it's over had to throw away my sheets cuz she left a puddle
Wet pussy wit no smell a muthafucka
Pussy so wet feel like she pissed on her self
pussy already drippin she aint need my help
gotta fuck her on da floor she leek everywhere
You can nut and go to sleep i don't even care
a street nigga wet pussy good for his health


Oh my lord! We got some real Blood Diamonds in there...
"Need to see that pink shinnin when I open her up"
"Pussy full of juices nigga hittin nuthin but nut."

"Wet pussy wit no smell a muthafucka." Thats funny, cause that was exactly my yearbook quote.
That bitch got that wet super soaker pussy!

Video Games

I must say... I am officially a "gamer" again. Growing up a product of the mid-80's, Nintendo and Mario were a huge part of my life. I had Nintendo early on and mastered ever Mario brothers, I had Mario products and used to watch Lou Albano's rendition daily. Then came Super Nintendo.... So many great games for this... and I was a Nintendo loyalist... No Sega products in my house. SNES provided me with some great times, and my loyalty to Ninendo was going to continue to Nintendo 64. At this time some of my friends were getting Playstations. I remember playing such games as Twisted Metal and Crash Bandicoot and thinking how awesome they were, but I still waited for my N64. Finally I got N64 and Mario 64 kicked my ass, but then there was nothing. After that, no other game really grabbed my attention and I finally gave in and bought a Playstation. Playstation was a wonderful system defined for me by Castlevania, Twisted Metal 2, and of course... Final Fantasy 7. Thinking back on it now, Playstation was probably the best gaming system of all time. The next system I bought was Playstation 2. I had some fun with it, but overall it wasn't that great. Definetly not as good as Playstation and I decided I had enough of Sony and gaming in general. I basically stopped playing video games entirely as my PS2 gathered dust. I had no interest in XBOX and honestly have probably only played it twice in life. PS3 and XBOX 360 were coming and I could care less... but then I saw this thing called the Nintendo Wii. The controller looks like a TV remote, and its cheap! So i bought a Wii and played my Wii tennis and deemed this the future of gaming... even my dad  would play Wii and he HATES video games. As good as Wii is, it is intended for a group, and I got bored with it and found myself not playing video games again. So about 2 months ago on a whim I bought a used XBox 360 for 200 bucks. Wow. 3 games in and this is already in running for one of my favorite systems of all time. I hardly ever beat a video game... I usually get to the last boss and just quit for whatever reason... but I beat all 3 of these games. When I finish these games I put the controller down and have the same feeling as when I just finished watching a great movie... I go to message boards and read theories on the story and the characters, the same thing I do after a great film. The line between movies and video games is becoming very blurred. Here are 3 amazing games for XBox 360 everyone must play....

Dead Space - This is one of the scariest things I have ever dealt with. I grew up watching Freddy Kreuger, and it is damn near impossible for me to be freightend by a movie. However... I find video games to be much better at scaring you. The main reason is because you are in control. When you watch a horror movie, you find yourself more angry and frusturated at how dumb the character is. In the video game, you have no one to blame for a death besides yourself. Play this game in the dark, and i don't care how tough you think you are, you will be scared. There was one point where this game got so horrifying that I literally almost put the controller down and said "Fuck This". If you are a fan of the horror genre, this is an experience you must partake in.

Dead Rising - I love Dawn of the Dead. It has this campiness about it and I love how it pokes fun at consumerism by using zombies... Fuck, I love anything with zombies. This game is Dawn of the Dead. You are in a mall... you can use any item for any store.. you can even shop for clothing. This game is one of the most fun games just to run around and play. There is so much going on and no one is telling you where to go and when. You can essentially leave the game running for a day and "beat" it. Its up to you if you are going to hunt down survivors, or do the missions and eventually wind up fighting the military. Now besides for the zombies, you also have to deal with psychopaths, evil clowns, rapist female lesbian cops, a cult, and gang members. And another thing I love about this game, is for whatever reason... it oozes 80's style. 

Gears of War 2 - Fuck me. Playing this game is like shoving steroids in your ass. Playing this game is like double teaming the Statue of Liberty with Chuck Norris, while Barry Bonds injects steroids in your ass, while your watching all of the Rocky and Rambo movies. This game is the bad assness of every machismo 90's action movie crammed onto a disc and amplified by 10. Playing this game will put hair on your chest.

12.10.08

Someone managed to take a video of me dancing in a club in Vietnam.... oh and I kick some guys asses too.

The Shining

Heres the trailer for this new movie called "The Shining". I dont know... this one doesn't look too good... looks very formulaic and boring.

12.8.08

"MLK Jr. KILLED BY SNIPER!!!"

Heres the most absurd moment of this week.. possibly the month. I'm in class today and a couple of people are giving final presentations.  This one guy goes up to the podium with this mysterious box, which he says will be revealed later, and gives a speech on the Civil Rights Movement. He then opens up the box to reveal a vintage actual copy of the NY Daily News the day after Martin Luther King Jr. was killed. It shows a picture of his face and reads, "MLK JR. KILLED BY SNIPER!"  So now here is where it gets unintentionally funny. He then says that he wants to get a class photo with all of us posing with the paper. So the whole class gathers around and the teacher holds up the paper with a huge smile like Truman after winning the war. We all stand around with smiles from ear to ear and thumbs way the fuck up. No one thinks nothing of it until one guy says, "I felt a little uncomfortable posing with that paper." Then it dawned on me we took part in one of the most unintentional racist photos ever. I imagine many a Klu Klux Klan member posed for the exact same photo the day after the assasination. Thank god the majority of the class is black, or it would be really bad.

12.7.08

You think online Poker is cool? Well.... its not. As a matter of fact, poker is not cool anymore. Poker was cool when it was played by Cowboys and sleezy guys in leather jackets and hawain shirts. Now it is played by every fat loser in between their online games of Call of Duty.

12.3.08

This video brings a tear to my eye... his voice is beautiful

Lil Jon Guest On Lazy Town

Rocky 4

As I type this I'm watching Rocky 4. As a kid, Rocky 4 was probably my favorite in the series. (as I got older it became very obvious Rocky 1 is the best) Now I realize why I loved it so much. It is without a doubt the most testosterone bad ass manly oozing machismo film of all time. Watching this movie is like shoving a steroided needle up your ass. There is hardly NO story... fuck, there is hardly NO dialogue. Watching this film is like getting fucked in the ass by a Bald Eagle while draped in an American flag. Most Rocky films have 1 short montage, this movie is ALL montages.. I think 4 or so... 2 amazing training montages with Rocky running up a mountain screaming "DRAGO", and the awesome late night drive where rock reflects on his demons to a 80's ballad. Watching this movie will put hair on your chest. If you can watch this film and not want to go lift some weights or go running immediately after you should go and turn your balls in. I also love the fact that it spits in the face of technology... Drago uses all the high tech equipment... and GASP steroids... while Rocky is lifting fucking rocks and logs and pulling Paulie on a fucking sleigh... and he still wins! God damn this movie kicked my ass.

12.2.08

If a picture is worth a thousand words then this one just might be worth a million. First off, by looking at the extreme look of disgust on the faces of Jay-Z and Beyonce, it is fairly obvious that they are at a New York Knicks game. Then we have to look at this new "high fashion" started by Kanye West... is the main objective to look as nerdy as humanly possible? Jay-Z  has turned into Stever Urkel....Did I do that?! I miss the days when my rappers wore backwards bandannas, oversized jerseys, and Coogi sweaters. I miss the days when rappers looked like they game from the street, not like they just stepped out of a coffee shop in yuppie Brooklyn. Now for the final and most bizarre observation... look at the white kid in the back... Jesus, who beat the shit out of him?

12.2.08

I am still and always will be a Plaxico Burress fan. I don't know why but I never got a bad vibe from him. He just seems like a good guy to me,  a very confused guy, but good none the less. And this is not just because I'm a Giants fan. Plax just doesn't seem malicious to me... unlike Pacman Jones. Pacman just comes off as a dick and a troublemaker. Plax seems like someone who came from a very hard upbringing and  and was never able to really escape that mentality. From all the accounts I read of him, and I know a girl who hung out with him a couple of times, he is suppose to be a really nice guy. I t

hink the problem with him is that he truly doesn't love the sport of football. Its his living but he doesn't seem to put it first. I still find it funny he caught flack for putting his children before practice. And the fact is that he doesn't show up to practice and what not, because it seems he simply does not care that much.

I think it sucks that he is going to be made example of by Bloomberg. The fact of the matter is he is going to spend 2 years in jail at the very least. I hope Plax is able to get everything together, and if it means stepping away from football so be it. I know a lot of sports analysts are saying the giants should clean their hands of him, but I strongly disagree. You don't throw someone to the dogs when they hit bottom, and if a team is indeed a family, you take care of your family member. Yeah its a living, but its a GAME.... sometimes things have to come before winning.

One other thing.... I just listened to Bizzy Bone "The Gift". This was the second album from the Bone Thugs N Harmony member and in my list of my top 10 favorite albums of all time. I have listened to this album A LOT. Its weird, cause whenever I listen to it I think of 9/11. I bought this album on like the 9 of September and was actually listening to it on the bus home from school on 9/11. I was pumping these tunes and looking out the window at the smoke filled skies and the bumper to bumper traffic. There was so much traffic i wound up listening to it like 3 times straight. The album has a very odd and unique sound. I have never heard anything like it, and it doesn't feel right to categorize it as rap. Damn... I'm listening to this album right now and words can't explain how much I love this album. It puts me in a mood like hardly any other album.... the music has become somewhat haunting, and the sounds help. This album wasn't mainstream at all, doesn't feature guest spots, and has very deep lyrics. I really wish this album wouldve got the praise it deserved, as it is definetly in my top 5 favorite rap albums of all time.