Getting Robbed

GETTN ROBBED HOMES!

Have you ever been robbed by some Vatos? No? Well then your missing out! It is a very fun learning experience. I remeber when I was "robbed" by some Vatoses. This story takes place back in my glorious highschool years, when I was a sophmore. Me and my friends got on the public bus (Q88...holler!), and of course went to go sit in the back like all cool kids do (Duh!). It was a normal boring ride, until we hit one stop and about 20 Vatos got on the bus wearing bandannas of all colors of the rainbow. I remeber thinking, "Is the Puerto Rican Parade today?" These were straight up "gangstas". I think there is a big difference between gangstas and gangsters. Gangstas are all about image and proving their thug, a gangster is someone involved in organized crime and whos main concern is money. Bottom line is that these kids were dressed like douchebags and you just knew they were trouble. They started yelling on the back of the bus in a language that wasn't American. It was either Spanish or Chinese, I couldn't tell, too me all foreigners sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown.

These Vatos were about to get their rob on of me and my gringo classmates. I see them ask some kid from my school for his discman (Compact Disc player for the young'n's....kind of like a iPod) and he just goes and hands it to them. Granted; my classmates were outnumbered and these kids were a lot older, but at least say something, stand up!...its not like they had a gun.....Oh....Just then one of them pulls out a gun.

So picture this scene...about 12 kids from my school in the back of a public bus all sitting down. About 6 of them I know, and they are my friends. Standing around us, surrounding us, are about 20 gangstas in their mid twenties. One of them has a gun out robbing people for wallets and discmen (like a iPod), and this is all during the day! And these kids are like yelling, "Rob this mother fucker!" What the fuck was the bus driver doing?! The only excuse I would except is if I went up there and saw mother fucking Mr.Magoo driving that bitch!

This is something I found very funny. After they rob about 2 kids, they decide its about time to explain their motives. I felt like I was in a cheesy superhero movie where the villian tells his plans to take over the world right before he is about to kill the hero. One of them spoke out to the group...

"You know why were doing this? Because when we were younger, we used to get robbed by white kids like you. Now, we turned the tables and rob you." So basically they were Puerto Rican Robin Hoods. This gang's charisma was actually starting to grow on me.

Now it gets good...this is my favorite part...they put the gun directly on some nerdy kids leg, so that the barrel is right there and the gangstas finger is on the trigger. The kid looks scared as hell and is just sitting there watching...as he is about to get his thigh shot. Actually, now that I think about it...the kid actually looked kind of casual. He was about to get shot in the leg and he looked like he was taking a shit on the toilet. Then all of a sudden the gangsta pulled the trigger.....Nothing. it wasn't loaded. Then all the gangstas laughed, and I joined in. The gangsta then took out a clip and loaded the gun, "Next time you won't be so lucky."

I see the kid with the gun robbing people on the bus in a line, and I realized I had like 3 people in front of me, before I was gonna get asked to run my pockets. Do you really think I was gonna let these fucks take my wallet filled with 10 bucks?! I was not running on my braveness but rather my cheapness. I did a quick move and transfered my wallet from my back to front pocket. The kid came up to me and asked for my wallet. I sat up and showed him I had none in my back pocket. He didnt believe I didnt have a wallet and asked me to open the front of my backpack. Now this is true...I opened it and saw a Dr.Grip pen. I pulled it out and said, "You want this?" He looked at it and said, "No...but good looks." WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT! This was a thick Dr.Grip pen....That alone is worth shooting the bus up. But thats basically my story...After this incident I went Death Wish 4 on these bastards and killed every last one of the gang members, culminating with a fight with the leader in a dark alleyway as it pourred.

2.25.07

"50 Cent is a Clever Bastard!"
So I'm just chilling out max and relaxing all cool...when all of a sudden 50 Cent's widely popular "In Da Club" comes on the radio. Damn, this song was on heavy rotation..and it still gets played all the time at clubs. But why did it really get so popular? The beginning plays and 50 goes, "Go shorty, Its your birthday!" Boom! There it is! I heard that and said, "50 Cent is a Clever Bastard!" If there are 3 things I know, it's that all girls...

1. Love taking pictures, especially group shots.

2. Love singing Journey's "Small Town Girl" when they are drunk at a bar

3. Love birthdays..especially their own.

And 50 Cent knew this too. It will always be someone's birthday, and that song will always get played with some girl thinking 50 made it especially for them. "Wow, the song says its your birthday, and it like totally is!" I still think all girls talk like 90's Valley Girls by the way.

Oscar Preview

CAN YOU SURVIVE THE OSCARS?

Yes, the image above is that of rap group Three Six Mafia celebrating their Oscar win. That is also when the Oscars officially jumped the shark. Your telling me that they deserves Oscars but one of the greatest directors ever, Martin Scorsese, does not? Yeah I agree, "Hard out here for a pimp" is a great piece of music *cough* but I mean c'mon! I'm still waiting for one of them to make the Oscar statue into the centerpiece on a chain. But anyway...who am I kidding...When I saw them win a smile came across my face like I won the lottery. Watching these uptight pricks nervously applaud while they excepted was awesome.

This is the Oscar preview...Is it possible to watch the entire broadcast without dying of boredom...I don't know? I love film but I think that is a feat that can only be performed by a gay fashionista. Let me pick the winners real quick...and if its anything like my Super Bowl predictions, this is basically what will happen...(BTW: I have a big time hard on for The Departed, its one of my favorite films ever)

ACTOR IN LEADING ROLE

Winner: Forest Whitaker

I think this is basically a lock.

ACTOR IN SUPPORTING ROLE

Winner: Eddie Murphy

Playing a James Brown knock off might get him the role of James Brown in Spike Lee's upcoming flick.

LEADING ACTRESS

Winner: Helen Mirren

Lets move on...I have no idea why I chose her.

ACTRESS IN SUPPORTING ROLE

Winner: Jennifer Hudson

Too bad you couldn't win American Idol! A award Americans actually care about!

BEST DIRECTOR

Winner: Martin Scorsese

God damn he better win. He is owed this for Mean Streets, Raging Bull, and Goodfellas. And I think Departed is just as good as any of those films.

BEST PICTURE

Winner: Saw 3....kidding...Little Miss Sunshine

I never saw it, but I hear its overrated. I personally would pick The Departed.

2.23.07

"STAY GOLD PONYBOY!"

Yo Pony, the way you dig sunsets...

thats gold! Stay gold Ponyboy...

Stay Gold...

Manlover

I propose a change. I think the term "boyfriend" needs to be changed. If I'm called that I find it offensive. First off, I am not a boy...I am a MAN! And number two; if your referring to me as that, we are not friends...we are lovers! So I propose that the term "Boyfriend" be changed to "Manlover". Imagine two girls talking..."Yeah my boyfriend is coming to pick me up..." and the other girl turns to her and says, "Well, my manlover is coming to get me." How do you think she will feel? If your answer was small and inadequate, you win.

7.19.07

GREATEST SONG EVER...

What song for my money is the greatest sung song ever? In my opinion the greatest singing performance I have ever heard belongs to the man above, Sammy Davis Jr. I definetly think Sammy was one of the top 5 performers who ever lived. The greatest singning I have ever heard is on the song "Mr. Bojangles". Damn, that song is powerful, you can hear the pure emotion in Sammy's voice. And when Sammy hits that second to last "Mr. Bojangles", Jeez...thats talent! If you never heard this song, do yourself a favor and hear it. And while were at it, watch this video...one of the best performances I have ever seen...And BTW many people have covered this song..but Sammy's is the only real one in my opinion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkASMIiU1Yo

7.16.07

Jeez, that R.Kelly pic certainly is the creepy. I can't even look at my blog. I really have nothing to say in this post, but I'm just posting this so that nude R.Kelly model isn't the first thing I see when I open the blog. So let me post a pic of one of my favorite places ever....the rainforest. Before I go, I just remebered something I wanted to get off my chest. My biggest fear ever...and this might be weird to some.....is being stranded in the middle of the ocean. Im not making this up either...I cant think of anything scarier then stuck in the middle of the ocean...especially at night. Nothing is scarier to me then just floating there, looking up at the starry sky, and looking as far off in the distance any way possible, and seeing only ocean. And then you know that there is crazy shit swimming right below you, like sharks and god knows what else is down there...giant squids? Man, I'm scaring myself right now. Anyway...I had this horrible nightmare the other night. One were I actually popped up awake and was like, "Oh shit! Thank god it was a dream!" I was some kind of race car driver, and I was driving on this futuristic bridge. I was stuntin' and somehow went flying off this bridge, which was above water by the way...and then the car flew VERY VERY far and I was in the middle of the ocean as the car was plummeting underwater. Sorry my dreams dont make that much sense! Anyway...the car is sinking and Im trying to un-do my seatbelt. Finally I get it off and realize I dont have my cellphone on me. Why this was such a big deal, I dont know...but in the dream I was like, "Oh No! I forgot my cellphone! How am I suppose to call while I'm underwater now!" And thats about the time I sprung up in my bed, the scardest (is that a word?) I've been in a while. I'm not even messing with you...this is all true. Ok enough of that...I don't want anymore nightmares...Lets look at a picture that always makes me relax and calm.

VD-Day

TOP 3 LOVE SONGS!

Wow....that pic might be pushing it a little but I couldn't resist. In honor of Valentines day I wanted to post my top 3 loves songs. Of course I had to have my man R.Kelly represented as the pic, so I went to Google and typed in "R Kelly" and hit images. Lo and behold that was the first pic that popped up. I couldn't believe it, apparently R. Kelly doesn't have a penis, but rather just a big bulge. I think this post officially marks the downfall of this blog. Anyway lets count down the TOP 3 LOVE SONGS!

3. "Kiss From a Rose" - Seal

It does not get any more romantic then this song. This song single handidly made Batman Forver a success, and because of this and that U2 song, is the reason I own the "Batman Forever" soundtrack. Seal is currently married to Heidi Klum....and you know its not because of his looks. That man looks like the black Freddy Kreuger with his burnt up face. No...the reason he bagged a girl like that is because of this song.

2. "Shes Like The Wind" - Patrick Swayze

Not only is he probably the greatest actor of our generation, but he might also be the greatest singer. Dont let that new Lumidee remake play you for a fool, this is the real deal version. What does it mean that shes like the wind? Shes quick and blows? I really dont know, but I do now that its deep, and I know that we are some partyin mother fuckers.

1. "Sex in the Kitchen" - R. Kelly

Here it is...the most romantic song ever. A whole song about having sex in the kitchen.

"Sex in the kitchen over by the stove, Put you on the counter by the buttered rolls, Hands on the table, on your tippy toes, We'll be making love like the restaurant was closed"

Wow...what a picture Mr. Kelly paints here. They are not just having sex anywhere, they are having sex right next to the buttered roles. But why does the restuarant have to be closed? I guess R.Kelly would rather be out eating then having sex. But thats not even the sexiest part...not by far! The sexiest part is when the music stops and then out of nowhere R.Kelly comes in with the line..."GIRL IM READY TO TOSS YOUR SALAD!" He doesnt even sing it, he yells it. Its a great line because it could have too meanings. Since they are in the kitchen he might actually be tossing salad, or...he just might be eatin out some girls ass...

HAPPY VD-DAY!

2.12.07

Wondering what the perfect Valentine's gift is......

Well wonder no more...

"Not gonna get you a diamond ring, That sort of gift don't mean anything Not gonna get you a fancy car, Girl ya gotta know you're my shining star Not gonna get you a house in the hills, A girl like you needs somethin' real Wanna get you somethin' from the heart ,Somethin' special girl...

It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box babe, It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box girl"

Thats right...a dick in a box! Now girls don't even be fronting like you wouldnt love to have a dick in a box.

1: Cut a hole in a box

2: Put your junk in that box

3: Make her open the box

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/uncensored.shtml

2/10/07

R.I.P Anna Nicole Smith.....I smell something very fishy about this death, and no, its not her privates. First her son, now her. I dont know...but I bet you that Howard Stern has something to do with it. And for those of you out of the loop, Im talking about her lawyer, not the shock jock.

2.09.07

Fear and Loathing in Maspeth.......
well another day of facing off against the beast called strep throat. I have nothing but meds that cause drowsiness and i havent been able to sleep any night, then i take benadryll so i have been moving about like a zombie in a dreamworld. I got to school today and found my friend in the parking lot and then semi smashed my car up parking. I was acting erratic and told him I had class at 3:30. He said that no classes started at that time and i called blasphemy, I walked in and sat down at 3:35. The class was watching a movie and I totally interrupted and sat and looked at everybody staring at me. Ten minutes later class is dissmised. Wow! That was the quickest class ever! The teacher calls me to her desk, "why were u say late?" I stand bewildered...a million thoughts racing thru my head, my face hangs there with my eyes glazed over, my mouth semi open about to let out drool. I look like I might collapse onto her desk at any minute. "Strep Throat..." She then asks if i have my homework..."Strep Throat". She says its ok and lets me go home.

Now this is my favorite part. I get in and my dad tells me my grandpa called and has found out I'm sick. He says it in such a way like, "Your grandpa has found out your doing coke." I call him back and he explodes on me. "Your sick! You got no job, and now your sick, your always sick! Your a stubborn bastard, you wear no winter coat and no hat on your melon with your hair all wet! You stay out all night and dont get enough sleep and now your sick! Your lifestyle is shit!" He the hangs up the phone in disgust. I couldnt help but laugh. When I get sick, its like I brought this upon myself. I swear that is just about the exact phone conversation word for word. I might have said 2 words the entire time. People get sick and get symathy calls, but no..I get hate calls calling me a good for nothing loser.

Now the best part of being sick...and this is me taking advantage and being a dick. I know I have trouble going to sleep so I ask my dad for one of his prescription sleeping pills. He gives it to me and I take that, the Bennadryll, and another herbal sleeping pill all the same time. You get very drowsy but I dont go to sleep. Instead I get one of the best highs ever. I feel like I dont have a worry in the world and I just "float" thru the internet. I also do a lot of writing in this state, as I am right now. My thoughts aren't always that logical tho...and this will lead into another story.....

I was on the same combo of drugs and i was laying down thinking, about life and movies and whatever when IT HIT ME! It was this idea for a Romantic Comedy called "Prince Charmingless". I dont remeber the details but it was really bad. I was so convinced howere at 3:40 on a Tuesday Night that I immediatly texted some of my friends. The text was really crazy and some guys have it memorized. The next day I had no recollection of this until I saw the text. See, this is what happens. I can easily see how someone could become addicted to sleeping pills, but I just like to do it once in a blue only when Im sick.

2/5/07

Wow...that Super Bowl was far from super. Even the advertisements lacked energy. The highlight for me was when Prince covered the Foo Fighters "Best of Me". It was kind of weird but very enjoyable....and the Prince logo is extremly bad ass. Anway I must say I was right on the money with this game. I said the final score would be Colts 28 and the Bears 17. It ended up Colts 29 and Bears 17. I was off by one point. I predicted Grossman would have 3 intos, he had 2. I also said Manning would win MVP and he did. I got to give myself a little pat on the back with this one. If you dont believe my claims scroll down to my last post. I must say I was pretty damn accurate. I should become a psychic.

SUPER BOWL!

SUPER BOWL!

Ok so its that time of the year again....Probably one of my favorite "holidays". Super Bowl Sunday is upon us, and I'm about to break it down for you. Now the Super Bowl is about much more then a game... It's about the fanfare and Janet Jackson nipples. And this year should deliver...cause at halftime we got the enigma Prince, and singing the star spangled banner is one of my fav's, Billy Joel. And I already saw one commercial, starring the king of Popozao, K-Fed. It was actually pretty funny.

This game is time for Peyton Manning to solidify his legacy, and for Rex Grossman to prove he does not deserve to be starting quarterback. This game will allow the Colts defense to prove they arent as bad as thought, and this banged up Bears defense is as good as thought. For some reason I don't see this game being all that good, I think the Colts are really going to take it. I'm predicting about 3 interceptions for Rex Grossman, and the Colts to basically lead the whole game. The final score I'm going with is...

Colts 28

Bears 17

As far as the Super Bowl MVP goes...I know the league wants Peyton to get it, but I think the rightful owner will be Jospeh Addai, however I feel it will go to Manning anyway. But overall I'm predicting a dull Super Bowl.....Next year will be more exciting when the Giants play the Jets.

Yup, it seems like Eli Manning agrees with me.

Popobawa!

POPOBAWA!

No, not the K-Fed song...

I present to you, the scariest monster/demon/ghost that has ever existed.

This is an evil spirit that has terrified African people and sent them into a mas frenzy. Up above is what it looks like, but it is usally invisible and appears with a puff of smoke. Ok so its just another monster...just like Bigfoot or the Lochness...but no! What this creature does makes him the most fearful bat winged cyclops ever! Im gonna paste and exerpt from Wikipedia here now....

"Popobawa is variously described as either a ghost or ogre with a gigantic penis and bat wings. He is sometimes thought to be a shapeshifter who looks like an ordinary human during the day. His presence is usually announced by the sound of scraping claws on their roof and a sharp, pungent smell. Different from other incubus legends, Popobawa primarily attacks men and only in their own beds, resulting in many men sleeping outside in streets or on porches after recent reported attacks. He attacks men as they sleep, overpowering them, holding their face to the floor and sodomizing them for up to an hour. People who claim to be victims of Popobawa are mostly poorer residents on the island of Pemba, though other reports have also come from other islands and coastal Tanzania. The victims are threatened with repeated, and longer, sodomizations if they do not let their friends and neighbors know of their experience. It is thought that Popo Bawa reports are the result of episodes of sleep paralysis."

WHAT THE FUCK?!

not only does this monster with a giant penis ass rape you for an hour, he then makes you go tell everyone you know about it or he does it again. Pain and shame.....God damn, we are worried about AIDS in Africa but what we should be worried about is the Popobawa. And this aint just one incident, a lot of people have claimed to been attacked by this creature. This is one of the oddest things I've heard....but anyway...Good Night and don't let the Popobawa sodomize you!