12/30/06

Don't Mel Gibson and Saddam Look alike? Well I guess we got our last big blast of news for 2006. Saddam got hung today...I can't belive they still hang people, what is this medieval times? Why didn't we just stone him? I gotta say, Saddam didn't have that hateful quality about him. You look at him and he doesn't seem evil. You would never cast him as this big bad guy in a movie. I mean, Bin Laden...that guy looks evil, and the dude from North Korea..he looks like a villian that just jumped out of a comic book...but Saddam, well, he just looks like...Mel Gibson.

So 2006 is coming to an end. I gotta say it was a so so year. Lance Bass came out, Corey Lidell crashed his plane into a building, Kramer said the n word, James Brown died, Hurricane Katrina....it was somewhat eventful. It seems to me like every year just gets crazier and crazier as we spiral towards the Appocalypse. They say theres seven signs to the appocalypse, well I think we've seen about 10 now. Everyone always makes a resolution for New Years...Resolutions are for quitters. My resolution is intensity. I want to add more intensity to everything I do. 2007 will be the year I go for it all and finally win the NYC Marathon. Ok I lied, I never ran that thing...Maybe 2007 will be the year I do....probably not....no.

Soul Dead

Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Twas' the night before Christmas,

and while in his house,

Richard Gere gave up on the gerbal, and tubed in a mouse,

The stockings were hung (like me) delicately with care,

and Princess Diana jokes, echoed the air,

The children were nustled all snug in their beds,

While Michael Jackson, tried to teach them to give head,

And for all those people, asking for miracles from above,

God gave us his greatest gift, and it was called "Flavor of Love".

11/23/06

I was thinking yesterday about the future. What does the future hold? What is going to be the next big technological advance? I was thinking long and hard about this. You have to look at something that we use now a days that is "outdated". What has not advanced, what could use an advancement. Then it hit me....I have found out what the next big thing is going to be...I know what the next big thing is going to be....Spoiler warning ahead folks...

It has to do with the mega iPod craze and ties into bluetooth technology. Yup....the next big craze is Wireless Headphones! Helly yeah. They already have bluetooth for the cell phones and the next big thing is going to be wireless headphones that use bluetooth. Imagine how much easier it will make working out and jogging while listening to music. If you like this idea and you are a scientist or a smart asian, leave me a comment and we can make it and become thousandiaires! (Is that even a word?)
Oh BTW, thats Braindog on the top of the page. He actually told me this idea.

12/22/06

DO THEY KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS?

I must say, Christmas is 2 days away and it does not feel like it at all. I asked myself, "Why is this holiday year so unfestive? What is killing Christmas" Well, I'll tell you what killed Christmas...The Ozone Layer. Yup....the fact that we destroyed it and I'm walking around in T-Shirts at the end of December kind of takes away from the whole winter. And if you think I'm jive talking just look around. Hardly anyone wears jackets anymore. I remeber a time when people couldn't get bigger or fluffier jackets. Remeber those Bear jackets? People dressed like it was the damn ice age. Its getting bad....I'm going to be telling my children one day, "I remeber this thing called "cold". Yup...when you went outside you used to have to wear lots of clothes or you would feel "cold". So what could we do to help our enviroment? Well we shoot these things out of our rings and when our powers combine....Wind! Water! Earth! Heart! Remeber that Captain Planet shit? How the hell did Heart fit in with the planet? I never understood that.

P.S. Go see Rocky Balboa...its probably the greatest movie of all time.

12/18/06

I am very interested in what makes romance work. I want to share my recipe for a perfect evening, an evening for two lovers.
When I plan a date, I want to make sure that everything is perfect for us. Music is the most important thing to set the mood for the night.
When I play a special song, it is very important because it can express what I feel so perfectly. A song can speak for me when I cannot put my feelings into words. I listen to a solo and I think of a duet.
When it's dark, I turn on the music, I light the candles. There is no timetable for the fantasies that can come true.

I like to take a special lady to the cinema, where we can hold hands in the dark, and whisper very quietly about what we see. I wonder, would she kiss me like that? Will I always be the hero of her life? I wish there were more romantic films, because romantic films can lead to beautiful adventures after we leave the theatre.

This verbal masterbation courtesy of Fabio.

I should be dead...

THE DAY I DIED

Yup it's true. I shouldn't be sitting here typing on this blog today. I should've died in that beautiful '85 Nissan Maxima that you see above. That same Maxima that was basically unrecognizable after the accident. But instead, I walked away without a scratch...and it was from then on I knew I was Unbreakable.

Me and dad were driving to Sag Harbor one summer day. This is back in the day and I was in elementery school. It must of been the hottest day in the history of the world and the air conditioner in the car was broke. I was sitting passenger with my seat reclining as far back as possible. I also had headphones from my discman, (see kids, we used to listen to music before iPods. We used to have to pay for music! And there were these things called Compact Discs, that were like tiny records) and I was blasting music. Back then I was probably listening to LL Cool J at the time. (see kids, he was a rapper from Queens.) Anyway, I was also asleep at the time...I guess the lulling melodies of "Doin It" just put me right out. The big problem was that my dad was about to fall asleep himself, and he was driving.

I feel the car start bouncing around and its real bumpy, like we just went off-road at that Safari shit at six flags. Speaking of which...don't feed the giraffes, because they have freakishly long black tounges! Freakishly long and black is also usually how my penis is described too. And DO NOT mock the ostriches. Anywho, The car was bouncing and I wake up and look ahead of me. I see and bunch of branches and leaves hitting off the front windshield. I turned to my dad, "Where the hell are we?!" I see him sweating and cluthching onto the steering wheel tightly. I just woke up and had no idea where the hell we were, it could've been the Amazonian rainforest for all I knew. I then see that we are heading directly for a big tree. My dad swipes the wheel last second and the car goes airborn into a barrel roll. As this happens I elevate off my seat and start floating towards the roof. See kids, this is why you wear a seatbelt. My dad speared me in mid air and held onto me as the car flipped back onto its right side.

There was a moment of silence right after the flip as we sat there and looked at each other. I finally broke the silence and said, "Where the hell were you going?!" People pulled over to the side and waited outside the car suspecting we were mangled and dead. I remeber pushing the destroyed door open and I came out like Evil Kanevil surviving a stunt. I lifted my hand in the air to signal I was ok and the crowd cheered. Neither me or my dad had a scratch on us, but the car was totaled. I still feel like I cheated death on that day. If my dad didnt tackle me and bring me down, I would have died. But all in all it was awesome. I would like to take this time right now to thank my dad for driving off the road into the fucking forest and almost kill us both. Peace out beyoches!

12/6/06

WEIRDEST PEOPLE ON EARTH!

The above image is what you get when you do a google image search of the word "weird". Is that thing weird? Kind of....but not as weird as these people we are going to talk about! Remeber now kiddies, this is all true.

BTW: Let me adress this quickly...9 Taco Bells have closed for making people sick....Duh?! You didn't know Taco Bell makes you sick? Its a common fact like the sky is blue! Anway...lets begin...

BIZAARE!!!!

First up is 64 year old Thai Ngoc. What makes him so bizaare is that he has not slept since 1973. This guy is like the exact oppsite of me. He is a Vietmanese farmer and has not slept for 11,700 consecutive nights. His dream is to have a dream....Hey, that was pretty good. I want to hang out with this guy and party all night, hes probably big into Meth.

Link: http://www.vir.com.vn/Client/Timeout/index.asp?url=content.asp&doc=11739

WEIRDER!

See that guy...his name is Sanju Bhagat and he is pregnant. He said he felt very self concious his whole life of his big belly. Well, no shit! Look how skinny his arms are and look how big his belly is. Just looking at him it is very apparent that he's: A.) A big drinker, or B.) Pregnant. Yup its true...this guy was pregant...with his twin! Ewwww! The doctor cut open his stomach and a bunch of fluid dripped out, and then...

"He just put his hand inside and he said there are a lot of bones inside," she said. "First, one limb came out, then another limb came out. Then some part of genitalia, then some part of hair, some limbs, jaws, limbs, hair."
Inside Bhagat's stomach was a strange, half-formed creature that had feet and hands that were very developed. Its fingernails were quite long.

WTF?! It was his mutated twin living in his stomach! That is the sickest shit I've ever read. Wow, thats certainly going to make you sicker then any Taco Bell.

Link: http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/story?id=2346476&page=1

Well thats it for now...don't worry tho, there are plenty more weird people out there.

12/2/06

Thing I'm most afraid of in the world...

You see that pic of that parasite up above. That is the single most scariest creature in the world. It's name is the candiru, and there isn't one male in the world who shouldn't be petrified of it. It is the one creature that can give a man more pain then having to give birth. (I can only assume....the only man that has given birth is Arnold Schwazzenegger)

So why am I so afraid of this little tadpole looking thing? Well let me give you a sample from it's Wikipedia Definition:

It is feared by the natives because it is attracted to urine or blood, and if the bather is nude it will swim into an orifice (the anus or vagina, or even in the case of smaller specimens the penis—and deep into the urethra). It then erects its spine and begins to feed on the blood and body tissue just as it would from the gills of a fish. The candiru is then almost impossible to remove except through an operation. As the fish locates its host by following the water flow from the gills to its source, urinating while bathing increases the chance of a candiru "homing in" on a human urethra

WHAT?! This little thing will be attracted by your urine, and then swim into your dick hole, and then up inside you, and then it releases fucking spikes?! What kind of godless planet is this where such a creature can exist! And another funny thing is that the natives refer to it as the Willie Fish...Ha Ha Ha! Oh how those Amazonians love there penis jokes! And if the thing is too big for your penis it will travel up your ass...I'm sure some guys would love that....I heard Lance Bass has a fish tank full of them in his house.

Oh but it only gets better! See I have found a video of a guy who actually had this thing swim up into his dick. The re-enactment in this video is priceless! Listen to his warnings and dont pee wherever you please!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSLKZzuLC00&eurl=

Wow! Sucks to be that guy. And for my final link, here is some additional info on this wonderful little creature.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candirú

Asylum Trip

THE HAUNTINGI was relaxing on one cold winter night. It might have been around this time. I was sitting there freezing gripping my forty of Bud tight. One of my friends comes over to me and asks, "You wanna go to this haunted abanonded insane asylum?" I didn't even have time to comprehend what was being asked because my instincts took over and I immediatly responded, "Yeah...Duh!" So I raced home to "prepare". I stumbeled into the house drunk and began looking for flashlights, gloves, blunt objects for defense. My dad watched in awe as I tore apart the closet, "What the hell are you doing?!" "Don't worry dad, Im going to this haunted abanoned insane asylum." His response was a simple, "Oh", and he walked away. I then changed my clothes and put on as many layers as possible. I knew just like everyone does, that ghosts love to tear clothing off.

So I was finally ready. I was ready to go take on the fucking Stay Puff Marshmellow man in downtown Manhattan! My friends were ready too, with police flashlights and knives. (You know how much ghosts hate being stabbed.) No but seriously, the reason we brought so many weapons was the fear of encountering schizophrenic homeless people or raccons. The name of the place was the Kings Park Asylum, out there deep in Long Island. We were all laughing in the car on the way there, smoking drugs, and saying how brave we were going to be. We even had a camera filming it to add to the Blair Witch-esque feel. I remeber as soon as we pulled into the place, which is HUUUUGE, that everyone became real quiet. The joking was over, and I looked up at the scariest looking building I've ever seen.......

Thats what I saw...but picture the darkest night sky ever behind it, and it being 1000 times scarier. I remeber thinking what everyone in that car was thinking, "Fuck this..." We parked the car off in some bushes, becuse cops patrol the area. That building above is the main building but this place is like a college campus, there are tons of other smaller buildings.

We got out of the car and prepared our equipment. We then journey to one of the buildings, and I swear to God, this is what happened....There was a sign that read, "WARNING: KEEP OUT", and as we walked near it, it just fell off the wall to the ground. "You know, I love this Goonie type shit, but THAT is a sign!" You must realize that we are not cowards, if anything, me and my friends are the epitome of masculinity. But I'm not going to lie, we were scared as shit. We walked over to the boarded up door and kicked the wood open and squeezed in to the building. What we then saw would scare any man out of his pants. It was a sight so scary that it made us retreat back to the car. What was it you asked.......

CAT BONES!

Yup...thats right...it was the perfect skeleton of a cat. It became very apparent to me that this place was haunted as soon as I saw this. My jaw dropped and I let out a yell like Mackualy Calkin putting the after shave on in "Home Alone".

We may not have conquered the asylum on that night, but we went back and went through it with absolutely no fear and the fun of that first night was gone. I'll never forget how scared we all were the first time, I never seen anything like it. The second trip we were like a whole different group of people and even took some documents as a souvenir. It was definetly a fun trip and I recommend going. Just google "Kings Park Asylum" and you'll see it on a bunch of "Most Haunted Places" websites. BOO! Scared you didn't I? And that is how we will end this....

SKEET SKEET SKEET MOTHERFUCKER!

11/23/06

RACISM

Happy Thankgiving to all my peeps. Had a pretty good time. I was with my cousins and smoked right before dinner, I don't usually smoke any more. But, I had a great time sitting at the table stoned out of my face. No one caught on to it either. However, there are more important things for us to discuss.... like Racism. Has Cosmo Kramer ignited the first ever "Race Wars"? The sad answer is...probably yes. I think Kramer realizes this too....Hurricane Katrina might have been the match, but Kramer was the spark that lit it. It's going to be the whites on one side and the blacks on the other...the Spanish will be sitting back watching, the Native Americans will be running the casinos, and the Asians...well, an Asian has not been seen since the launch of the Playstation 3. Both sides will be armed with rakes and pickets and the fighting will be very uncivilized. Its going to be a "new-age" Civil War. And while we are killing each other, just think...this is all because of Cosmo Kramer.

http://lukecompany.ytmnd.com/

11/18/06

DORA THE SEXPLORER

At least I know what I want for Christmas now. I honestly can no believe this being released in stores. When they were sitting in their board meeting, and someone unveiled this, how could not one person yell out..."Thats a dildo!" You don't even have to be a pervert to think that. Just look at it...Would you really want your little daughter playing with that thing?! And why does it require 2 AAA batteries? What could it possibly do but vibrate?! Oh man...the lines for this will put the Playstation 3 to shame.

Heres a link if your interested in buying: http://www.amazon.com/Dora-Aquapet-Explorer-Wild-Planet/dp/B000IM15QI/sr=8-1/qid=1163704307/ref=sr_1_1/104-1413059-2779909?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-gamesAd

11/15/06

WORST SONG EVER

Just today I was thinking about some annoying songs from the past. First there was the Macarena. I hated that goddamn song, and I was probably the last person on earth to learn the dance. My freaking grandma knew it before me. Then there was "Who Let the Dogs Out?!" I listened to this song about a million times and that question is never answered. Was it the Baha Men? Im sure some people might not like Sisqo's "Thong Song", but I personally love it. That song single handedly made thongs acceptable for girls that weren't strippers. Now for worst song ever.....My second choice would have to be Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me". I fucking hated that song..."Banging on the counter". I hated every kid in my highschool that did something wrong and said, "It wasn't me!" And that skinny Indian guy in the video singing with Shaggy...Was I really suppose to believe he was "bangin" anyone?!But now its time to reveal my choice, for the worse song of ALL TIME. I present to you...LFO's Summer Girls!

[Chorus:]

New Kids On The block had a bunch of hits,

Chinese food makes me sick.

And I think it's fly when girls stop by for the summer,for the summer

I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,I'd take her if I had one wish,But she's been gone since that summer..Since that summer

Wow. Were these assholes getting paid by Abercrombie and

Fitch? And what the hell does the fact of getting sick by Chinese Food have to do with anything? Lets take a look at a verse.

You're the best girl that I ever did see,

The great Larry Bird Jersey 33

When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet

Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets

Call me Willy Whistle cause I can't speak baby

Something in your eyes went and drove me crazy

Why does Larry Birds good name have be dragged into this? And who in the blue hell is Willy Whistle?! I swear it just gets worse...

Left one day and never came back

Stayed all summer then went back home,

Macauly Culkin wasn't Home Alone

Fell deep in love,but now we ain't speaking

Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton

I disagree! Macauly Culkin was Home Alone! These are the worse lyrics of all time, without a doubt. Let me finish this rant with a little more....

You love hip hop and rock n roll

Dad took off when you were 4 years old

There was a good man named Paul Revere

I feel much better baby when you're near

Well, no argument there..Paul Revere was good man...Heres a link to the music video if your into self torture...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHuGG_FsC20

11/14/06

Ok, so this is how its gonna work...you can look over to the right and scroll down and you'll see all the former articles under the title, PREVIOUS POSTS. The ones that are simply dates, are just random thoughts...and I'm sorry if they might bore you! However, if you see something that has a title admist the dates, then its a story, and those are GUARANTEED to entertain you. Anyway....time to ramble. I think too many people are living life too fast. People need to just slow down and look around them. Life is beautiful, and I try to live each day like my last. That picture up above is a real photo taken at the hills east of Tehachapi, California. Thats where I want to live. I want to just run through that field while eating handfuls of shrooms. I went to a psychic once, and she told me in my past life I was Johnny Appleseed. That picture looks like God ate Skittles for 3 days straight and then shat all over some mountains. There is a Simple Life marathon on right now and I just realized Paris Hilton might be the first person I truly hate. I can't believe girls look up to her. Speaking of TV, I usually only really watch Sopranos, Entorague, and sports, but I saw Deal or No Deal for the first time and that show is bad ass. Maybe I just like it cause Howie Mandell hosts it and I have fond memories of Bobbies World.

BTW: Heres a really good snippet from Deal or No Deal: http://choice.ytmnd.com/

Villians of Maspeth

VILLIANS OF MASPETH!

I'm from the great town of Maspeth, in Queens. It has somewhat of a small town feel, mixed in with stinky, huge factories....and it is also filled with super villians. Yup... we had enough villians cramed into our little neighborhood to put a Marvel comic to shame. Ok, let me explain....We're jumping back in time here to when I was a young'n in elementery school (St. Stans! Holler mother fucker!). Back then they would give us a paper to "take home to our parents". Usually these papers warned of measels or chicken pox. However, during this one strecth of time, they became downright bizaare. Every week it would be a new warning about some sicko, fiend, or monster, that was lurking outside the school waiting for us. We used to read the sheet in horror, reading the description of a new villian. Right now, Im going to go over 3 of the fiendiest fiends!

He creeps along in a car following students as they leave the school building. He watches, and waits for the perfect opprotunity. Then...without warning...he throws a DART at the victim! I read this and let out a loud "WTF". You mean to tell me that there is a fucking Dartman in my town?! Not only do i have to worry about passing school, finding my way home (I'm bad with directions), but now I have to worry about a guy throwing a fucking dart at me?! A girl a grade below me happened to be the first and only victim. She was walking along one day when....THUMP! (or whatever sound a dart hitting flesh sounds like) Lucky for her the tip of the dart was contaminated with the HIV virus. You got the AIDS!!!

Next up on the list is everyone's favorite.... The "Bloods"! Everyone loves these gangbanging rascals! They apparently felt it was time to visit my town a visit right around Halloween. A note came warning that the "Bloods" were in town and were going to be waiting outside the school door for us to get out on Halloween day. I could just picture some thugged out guys in red bandannas standing with the moms waiting for the kids to get out. Why were the "Bloods" coming to get elementery students at 2:40 in the afternoon? I dont know. But it didn't matter! They were coming, and the note said, "They will ask you what time it is, and when you go to check your watch, they will slice your face with a boxcutter." Im not making that up, I swear to god that was the warning we got. I remeber a lot of kids stayed home that day in fear. As it turns out, it wasnt actually the Bloods, but it was the fake "Bloods". Oh that explains it...wait...Huh?

And finally....my personal favorite...The Exposer! Tell me, what beats a large black man in a trenchcoat who follows young school girls around and exposes his genitalia to them. That is actually my major in college. This guy has been a major influence on me, so much so, that I'm actually going to film a dark comedy loosely based on him soon. By the way, as to my knowledge he only flashed 3 girls, the Walter sisters. Just a quick thought: If there was a girl flashing herself to guys, you would not hear one complaint. I think guys would actually go looking for her.

And that about does it. So remeber...next time your walking through the dark alleways of Maspeth, you might just get hit with a dart, knifed up, and flashed. Have fun, Be Safe!

11/9/09

Conflict by MJ (Click image to see)

11/6/6

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Fist Lance Bass and now this?! In case you have been living under a rock, Doogie Howser has announced that he is gay. Are there any more straight role models for the kids?! This is definelty a big addition to the gay community, I mean c'mon, this guy was a freakin doctor when he was like 14. Now when I watch my Doogie Howser DVD's it just wont be the same! I thought Doogie liked girls! I remeber him macking it to nurses and Leukimia patients.

Wait a sec! You don't think the two of them were.....

That picture is a little akward. What the hell are they listening too? "Doogie, Listen too how fast my heart beats when were cheek to cheek."

10/32/06

The Day After Tomorrow

Who let the lame out? Yes, my second favorite holiday has come and gone. Now, we got the extremly lame Thanksgiving to look foward too. Fuck everything associated with that holiday, except Cranberry sauce. Spent Halloween at the city watching the parade in the village. I don't know if you know this, BUT.....(Spoiler Warning) There are GAY people in the village! I know.... I couldn't believe it either. Anyway, got some crazy pics of my adventure coming up soon. Im pretty beat right now but there is one thing you have to look at.....It may be my favorite thing I ever saw...

http://rapistsearch.ytmnd.com/

10/26/2006

Shrimp Sauce pt. 2

"Even Mo' Shrimp Sauce"

Ok, so we were at Benny Hanna's; we had the bad chef. This has all been established in part 1 of this epic, and if you were too damn lazy to read it, scroll down or look to the right at the previous articles. Now, where was I....Ok. At Benny Hannas, every table is seated with about 6 people....6 random people. If you go with 4 friends, your going to sit with 2 strangers. We went with 5 people, so we were given one stranger at our table. This stranger was the sassiest, largest, black women, who looked like she jumped right off the Maple Syrup bottle. Now everyone knows that I love sassy black women. They are never afraid to speak whats on their mind, and I knew as soon as I saw this women, she would make my dinner that much more enjoyable.

As soon as we sat down, the first thing she said to the chef was, "You got the shrimp sauce?" He said not to worry and kept cooking. This women was a Benny Hanna's veteran, and came not for the gimmicky environment, but for the food. As I tried to encourage the chef to do more tricks, she gave me a look like, "Why don't you tell him to cut the bullshit, and lets eat!"

So the first thing we ate was shrimp fried rice. She demanded shrimp sauce and totally overloaded on it. Nothing odd about that. Up next however, was the chicken teryiaki. Before it was served she demanded, "Mo' shrimp sauce!" She then took the shrimp sauce and poured it all over the chicken. My jaw hit the floor. "What the fuck?! That sauce is for the shrimp! It's called "shrimp" sauce for Christ's sake!" She smiled as she stuffed a piece of chicken in her mouth, "You don't know bout the secret. This is the secret....You put this shrimp sauce on everything!" Apparently only a few people were let in on this "secret", and she was now inviting me in. Without warning, she handed me the shrimp sauce and said, "try it."

It was not an option for me. Her eyes brunt a hole in my soul as she watched me, anxiously waiting for me to put on the shrimp sauce. Now me, being a logical, sane, person, knows that no shrimp sauce belongs on chicken. I didn't want to put it on but I knew I had no option. So I slowly took off the cap, and put the tiniest amount humanly possible onto my chicken. It was like a single drop. Her smile quickly turned to a frown. She looked at me with utter disappointment. "That's it?!" She exclaimed while staring at me. I now looked like a deer caught in the headlights. What was I going to do. I started to stutter and got out a, "Of course not!' I then put some more on, and looked for her approval. Then I went shrimp fucking sauce crazy and loaded the chicken with it. She smiled, "There you go!" I picked up a piece and put the fork to my mouth very slowly. (I dont know how to use chop sticks.) I knew it was going to suck. I shoved it in my mouth and tried to swallow it. "Thats good right?" I looked at her while chewing and wanted to throw up all over the table, but instead I forced a fake smile. Then when the meal was done, this women made the chef pack up some cups of shrimp sauce for her home usage.

I said I had to go to the bathroom, excused myself, and went and made the call. Later that night she went into the parking lot and entered her car. And as soon as she turned the key...KA-BOOM! Thats for ruining my dinner! Ok...this last part is not true, but I had no other idea how to end this story. Hell, I don't even know why, of all the crazy stuff that happened me, I chose this to write about. Its weird sometimes, the stuff you remember.

10/24/2006

That image to the left is an orginal drawing by yours truly....Pretty cool right? Anyway, I just posted part 1 of the shrimp sauce story and part 2 is on the way. Got a stupid school camping trip Friday for a class I was tricked into taking called "Adventure Club". Let me tell you, adventures aren't always fun, and mountain climbing isn't as cool as it looks. But that dont matter, cause Halloween is knocking on the door. The best idea I heard for a costume so far is Dog The Bounty Hunter. I might have to steal that one....

Movie to See: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Quote of the Day: "I wish just once someone would call me sir, without adding, your making a scene."
Link of the Day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo6UndqwXmA

Shrimp Sauce

"MO' SHRIMP SAUCE!"

The first story from my journey to Cleveland. The question I always get asked is, "Why the hell did you go to Cleveland?!" Well, my response to you is, "Why not Cleveland?" Don't you know that Cleveland rocks? In actuality..... it doesn't. Even the Rock & Roll hall of fame was pretty lame. Tell me why Avril Lavigne's wifebeater and Lance Basses assless chaps are even in there? And if you dare try to take a picture of anything there, security will treat you like an Arab trying to board a plane with wires sticking out of his shoes. But enough about all that, I want to tell a story bout' some shrimp sauce!

We were real hungry one night, and the 2 day old Papa John's bacon slices weren't looking so appetizing anymore. And that's not even a joke; I remeber waking up, grabing a beer, and then carefully inspecting every slice in that box to see which one had the least mold on it. The living conditions were worse then what the Arabic prisonsers faced in Guantanamo Bay prison. This one night however, we decided it was time to get classy. So we planned to go to the overpriced Benny Hanna's Japanese resturant. We pulled our fanciest, extremly wrinkled clothes out of the suitcases and proceeded to this overpriced resturant. The frequent use of the word overpriced is not due to my lack of a mastery of the verbal arts, I can assure you, but that motherfucker is overpriced!

Ok so for those of you who don't know, Benny Hannas is the resturant where they cook right in front of you and do "tricks". These "tricks" aren't anything spectactular, and I wind up doing these same "tricks" when I'm drunk and trying to make grilled cheese at 4 in the morning. The only difference is I'm not trying to do them. Actually, I take that back, some of the guys are pretty good..it's just that the guy cooking for us sucked. I should've known he wouldnt be good when every other chef was Japanese and he was Spanish. It reminded me of a bad scene in a comedy movie...I could just picture cops chasing him down the alleway outside and he dipped into Benny Hannas to hide out...BUT...he had to get dressed up as a chef and go do the whole routine without having any idea what he was doing. HA HA HA HA! Oh man, what a scene that would be! I found myself watching the tables besides us as the chef stood on one leg while juggling shrimp and tossing them into the hungry customers mouths. Then I looked back at our guy as he told corny jokes and warned us not to touch the grill for the hundreth time. Shit, this story is running pretty long and I haven't even touched on the shrimp sauce or the sassy black woman....I think I'm going to have to post part 2 at a later date.

TO BE CONTINUED....

The Walrus Story

"I AM THE WALRUS"

This story has, up to now, just been passed about by word of mouth. Much the same way that a lot of great legends are...like Hercules, or even Jesus. But you see, much like the telephone game, the story gets warped and changed from person to person. I thought it was about time that I finally wrote down the accounts of what happened that day; cause god forbid if I get killed tomorrow and this tale is lost forever. The Beatles have a song called, "I Am The Walrus". I never understood the title until I went to the Aquarium that day. Its true...I am the Walrus!

It happened at Coney Island, in the New York Aquarium. It was free pass day so you know all the winners were out. People who waited all summer for this one money free day of fish viewing. It was a melting pot of cultures; but all of our beliefs, and differences, would be thrown aside for a brief period in time. You see, it was in that darkened hallway, staring at that glass tank with fingerprints smeared all over it, that it would happen...

Everyone was gathered from all the different burroughs of New York. We were watching the tank in anticipation, waiting for him to arrive. All of a sudden a magnificent creature, molded from the image of God appeared, and he had both his hands...ummm...fins over his privates. Everyone looked on in amazement as he came uncomfortably close to the glass. A small black child walked closer in amazement; it was a touching moment as his eyes locked with the walruses. Then the Walrus quickly moved his fins away exposing a HUUUUGE cock! Bet you didn't see that one coming! The whole room was thrown into a frenzy....a joyous frenzy. But this creature wasn't done yet....He then took both fins and started jerking off. The black child eyes widened in shock as his father yelled, "Back up before he pokes your eye out!" The frenzy in the room was now out of control as everyone was running about and laughing and screaming. It felt like Christmas morning if none us knew Santa wasn't real. Black, White, Spanish, and Asian were all joined together in this celebration of life. At this one moment, racism was dead in the world.

The Walruses penis then retracted into his body (I swear, they can do this) and he covered his privates again with both fins. I swear to god I then saw a smirk come across this mothefuckers face. Was the show over? Disappoinment hung over the room. NOPE! He quickly moved his fins away again exposing his penis. He now took both fins and started masterbating like a wild man. He was using all the strength in his magnificently made body. You can then guess what happened. An explosion the likes of which is reserved for the fourth of July. Yup...he went to completion..he released the seed man! The black man next to me jaw dropped as he exclaimed, "OH SHIIIIIIIIIIT!" I swear it was said in slow motion. Then all of a sudden, Aerosmith's "Sweet Emotion" started playing as the Walrus pulled out a cigarrette. Ok, that last part was a lie...But i swear everything else in this story is 100 percent completly true.

Now going back to the Beatles; I am the Walrus. Everyday I am being observed and feel like I am stuck in a tank. Everyone watching my every move, and critizing every little thing I do. Well its time for me to say, "Fuck You!" and go pleasure myself right in front of them. The message of this story is, "Fuck What other people think!" and to jerk off.

10/20/06

ROCKY & THE METS
The above picture is from Rocky 3. That is what I call true friendship in the visual form. And that would've been me and my friend embracing, if the Mets had won and were heading to the World Series. Instead, I witnessed what had to be the toughest defeat in sports for me since the '94 Knicks. You know whats funny; when I first saw Rocky and Apollo splashing around in the tighest shorts since 80's gym classes, I found nothing homoerotic about it at all. Now when I look back at it, It might be the gayest scene in the history of film. But screw that, cause the Rocky series is amazing and I know the new film will give me more goosebumps then R.L. Stein.

Movie To See: The Departed
Quote of the Day: "Even a broken clock is right at least twice a day."
Link of the day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfFvKyLrGYc