MJ at the Movies.

SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER EDITION....

Wow...I have not been to the movies in a REALLY long time.  I hear the new Indiana Jones is written like shit and has aliens in it. What in the bluest hell?! Why are their aliens in Indiana Jones? I heard Iron Man kicks ass, and is the best superhero movie to date. Harold and Kumar 2 was apparently good, but did anyone actually see it? And god damn....this Sex and the City movie...its already starting to piss me off. Does this movie promote being a slut? Is that the point of the show? To teach girls how to be a slut? And Sarah Jessica Parker is a ugly horse faced demon. Now another movie that looks terrible but I bet you is awesome...Dont mess with Zohan. This movie is written by Sandler and Smeigel. Who is Smeigel you ask? He is the genius behind Triumph the insult dog. So this summer go see Iron Man and Zohan....and get ready for the documentary sweeping the film festivals called "Tyson." I will let you guess what thats about.

Now for a movie I just re-watched. "There Will Be Blood." Upon my first viewing I thought it was overrated. It had a memorable performance from Day-Lewis who had a couple of great lines, and a good supporting actor. Besides for that there wasn't much from the rest of the cast. Re-watching it, I enjoyed it much more. It is a very enjoyable film with a great soundtrack and great cinematography. Basically I feel this movie is Scarface set in a different era. You have to guys looking for the "American Dream". You have two ultra charismatic characters that are likable, but real evil. Both show moments where they seem like good people, but in the end, show their true colors. Both get the power and money, but end up unhappy and addicting to drugs/alcohol. Both speak in a voice everyone will immitate and both spew out awesome one liners. See...same movie.

Sonic Disaster

With the release of Grand Theft Auto 4, the debate about violence in video games has heated up once again. Are the games to blame? For this post I've decided to sit down with a man who oozes 90's style attitude....the always controversial Sonic the Hedgehog. When we last saw him he released a rap album and single, "Dem Jews got da Jewelz". Both were commercial flops and Sonic has since then hit a real downslide. When Sonic showed up for this interview, he did not seem to be in "great" shape.... to say it politely. He was extremely incoherent as he mumbled and slurred his words...basically unintelligible. His balance was also terribly off, making it hard for him to stand. I literally had to carry him and sit him at a table. He then proceeded to fall to the floor and begin vomiting. I asked what he had been taking, to which be barely responded, "The Heavy Stuff". I kept trying to help him to his feet but to little success. At this point Sonics demeanor changed for the worse. A list of profanities came spewing out of his mouth and he swung and barely hit me. Sonic was now manic, ready to fight anyone. With him in such a loony state, I  barely managed to conduct the interview...At first I was going to keep this under wraps  out of respect...but hopefully this might be a wake up call for him.

Q.  Do you feel violent video games promote real life violenc?

A.  What the fuck is that?! That game huh? whats it called? HA HA HA! Audio Theft?!

      Let me tell you something... I did all that before violence was cool. I dont need a game to kill a whore...thats called Tuesday to me. I literally stomped nggz out for DoDo Money!

Q.  DoDo Money?

A.  Yea DoDo....that means that money is extinct like that bird.... small change that I extincted.         BUT LISTEN....you got to know this......DoDo is better then NoDo. HA HA!

Q.  When a child plays violent game, does it reveal tendency's that might be better left alone?

(At this point Sonic leaned his head over his shoulder and was not moving. It was about 3 minutes before he bounced back fully awake and active)

A. I DONT KNOW AND I DONT GIVE A FUCK, AND FUCK WHATEVER YOU TALKING ABOUT!

(Sonic then grabbed the closest thing, which was a saltshaker, and threw it across the room shattering it. He was beginning to become more and more uncontrollable.)

Q.  A game like Grand Theft Auto where a player can go and actually -

A.  Fuck the Grand Auto! What are we talking about here? Violence or bullshit?!

Q. No Violence as it....

A. Well then I will give you violence in spades mofo!

Q. Is it related to gaming by any chance?

A. How is this for Reality TV.... I killed Chester Cheeta motherfuckers! My ass was outside that      strip club my damn self.

Q. Was this action brought about by being influenced by a video game?

A. No.

Q. Any closing comments?

A. Yeah...Bitch it ain't mine...I told you im fixed!

Wow. So I guess playing violent video games does not lead to murder or what not. We need something else to blame now. I blame people. I blame human beings. Animals only kill for hunt. Humans came and fucked up everything. Oh and there's a bombshell....Sonic admitted to killing Chester.....Im guessing some jail time for that one.

I would advise those that are new here, to go up to the top right and you can see labels. Some of the more interesting posts here get a label. Click on the sonic one and you can follow up on his whole story thus far....

5.27.08

With gas prices so crazy high I've decided to sell my Jeep. It seems that SUV's are going the way of the dinosaur. I was thinking about getting a Hybrid, but that wasn't flashy enough for me. I wanted something that could catch someone's eye, but not stand out too much. So I think I found the perfect car for me..... Its only 4.8 million too.

5.25.07

Just got back from Cali-forn-eee-ahhh! Spent most of my time in Laguna Beach, or as some call it, the REAL O.C....as opposed to the fake one. I also went down and saw Jimmy Kimmel Live while I was down there. You would be shocked at how small the studio is. I totally lucked out too, seeing as there were NO in studio guests. However, I did get to see the Pussycat Dolls perform live! The performance was equivalent to getting a lap dance with no physical contact. The lead singer Nicole Schezineggger or whatever is hot as hell. The rest of them are basically talentless glorified strippers. Another night I wound up on a beach with a bunch of people smoking Hash while one dude played Hotel California on a guitar and a 75 year old hippie talked about "righteous vibes". No bullshit. If thats not Cali I don't know what is.

Now Cali is great and all but here is the one thing that REALLY REALLY SUCKS. Now please remember this is coming from a New Yorker where I usually don't go out until 11:30 PM. It is state law in California that every club and bar closes at 2:00 AM, and everyone starts being piled out at 1:45 AM. I was pounding down Hawain Ice Teas when the owner started yelling and pushing people out in a line like cattle to the slaughter. We couldn't even finish our drinks. I felt like I was in a speakeasy during the Prohibtion and the feds were raiding. Besides for that it is pretty bad ass, and everyone is extremely nice and laid back. Why wouldn't they be? They live in paradise, spend all day at the beach, smoke the finest weed, are surrounded by beautiful women.....why wouldn't you want to live there?

5.16.08

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Thats actual commentary from the Conan DVD by the Governator. Im going to Cali for a week, see you later gators.

5 Lamest Sport Franchises

5. Detroit Pistons - So what your really good, your also really fucking boring. You are the east coast version of the Spurs. You win and no one cares. These guys just edged out the Milwaukee Bucks for this fifth spot. When they are in the Finals, no one watches.

4. The Reds - Who really cares about this team? You have Ken Griffey Jr., who was suppose to be the best ever, but is a flop. Thats the only thing that makes you somewhat relevant.

3. The Bills - Your team is known for sucking. You are known for losing about 3 Super Bowls in a row to the Cowboys. You suck, end of story. BOOORING. Barely beat out the Kansas City Chiefs for this spot.

2. The Royals - Is this even a real team in the MLB? Is Kansas City even a real place in the United States?

1. The Spurs - Here is the most boring lamest team of all time. No doubt, they are one of the best NBA teams ever, but who cares? Find me on person that cares about this team or even any player, you wont even find one in Texas. This team is so terrible and draws such terrible ratings that the biggest star on this team is Eva Longoria. Yup. She is shown about 1 million times during a game, and she is a C List celebrity at best. Thats sad.

5.13.08

Shhhhhhhheeeit. I had Burger King today for the first time in a while. Apparently they have partnered with some guy named Indiana Jones. They have this contest where your given two scratchy things and you can only scratch one. You can win up to like 10,000 or you can LOSE. Even when I lost I would scratch the other one to see what I could've one. What would you do if you did that and saw it said 10,000 dollars? I would honestly go bonkers. I think I would shoot that Burger King up and demand my money. Could you imagine? Thats sucks....fuck you Indiana Jones.

5.12.08

I must say..."Whats Eating Gilbert Grape" is one of my favorite movies ever. I must have seen it at least 40 times, and I can never get sick of it. It just adds more fuel to my argument that Dicaprio is the greatest actor of our generation, or is well on his way to being it. His role as Arnie in this film is one of the greatest performances I have ever seen.

Why I like Obama

5.6.08

I wound up watching a NHL game that went into 4 Overtimes....even tho I could not name 1 single player between both teams. Why did I watch it in its entirety? Having invested about 3 somewhat hours into it, I felt I deserved an ending. The ending left me unsatisfied, as I realized I did not care for either team and either one winning did nothing for me.

4.30.08

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/04/29/7-year-old-car-thief-its_n_99178.html


Ha Ha! Check out this 7 year old kid...he carjacked his grandmas car, and boy does this kid have some quotable.

He called over his other 7 year old friend to joyride with him cause, "he smokes with cigarettes."

"Its fun to do bad things and drive into a car."

I also love when the interviewer asks, "Did you know you could perhaps kill somebody?"
To which my little homie responds, "Yes, but I wanted to do hood rat stuff with my friend."

And what does he feel his punishment should be...."No video games for a WHOLE weekend."

They gotta stop making these Grand Theft Auto games I tell ya!

4.28.08

HA HA HA! Can you really believe the New York post? "MILEY

'S SHAME!" This story really needs to be on the front page of the paper? Is this really that important? Maybe I'm just a little too liberal and edgy, but that picture doesn't exactly spell controversy to me. Ok...shes 15...big deal. Go watch old home videos of me at 15...spread eagle and jerking it in public. Its just what teenagers do Mr. New York Post! I also love how the inside headline reads, "Baring her torment."  LoL. Jesus dying on the cross was torment....showing your shoulder in a magazine is not torment. Lets

 take a closer look at the pic in question...

Oh My God! To me that pic looks like an Afghanie refugee who got a hold of too much Kool-Aid. Don't believe me....Take a look at this pic from National Geographic...

4.26.08

NOOOOOOO! I have lost all respect for Dwayne Wade... He is apparently now dating that chupacabbra Star Jones. First off she is 46 and he is 26. Number 2 she is the most annoying and ugliest person on the planet earth. Number 3, he makes more money then her. I rather shove my dick in a bin of acid then inside her. WOW. If Wade came out and said he was gay and dating Charles Barkley I would have more respect. Im a lot more angry at this news then I should be being a straight male. What are you doing D-Wade?! Is this what finishing the worst in the NBA leads too?

4.23.08

There is a reason why I don't watch American Idol, and this is it. What in the BLUE hell?! This is the type of shit they do on that show? I was expecting Michael Jackson and Father Mauer to pop out. Yup.... Father Mauer is a real priest from my elementary school who was outed as a child molesster. You wanna fuck with kids, I'm going to name drop you mother fucker. FATHER MAUER.

4.22.08

I just got back from the "Tim and Eric Awesome Tour 2008". if you are unfamiliar with the "Tim and Eric" show on Adult Swim, you should probably stop reading this, as it will bore you to tears. So how was it?  I thought it was very good and worth the 20 bucks....BUT....you knew I had to throw that in there, there has to be 2 sides to every coin. The show featured a lot of video clips from the upcoming season 3. While they were funny, I didn't come to the city to watch television. There were about 4 live performances, I think 3 were songs and one was a karate demonstration. These were good but there wasn't enough live stuff...I guess mainly because of the elaborate costumes. Another disappointment was the lack of guests. Some of the funnies stuff on the show is done by the other "actors". Now I wasn't expecting John C. Reily, but the other unknowns could've appeared, what better thing did they have to do? Cash in welfare checks? However, everyone appeared via television screen. Bottom line is this....I recommend going to see it, just don't pay a crazy amount, no more then 30 bucks I say. And make sure to drink or smoke some pot before you go....it should actually advise that on the ticket.

And speaking of them....I was talking to my friend about where they can go from the show. The show runs 11 minutes, and shouldn't be any longer. Could they make the jump to movies? i always said no. However, thinking about it now..."Beaver Boys" could possibly be turned into a feature, just as long as it is not too similar to "Night at the Roxbury".

4.20.08

Dude its like 4:20...time to smoke pot dude! Fuck that. True potheads don't celebrate 4/20, everyday is 4/20. 4/20 is for casual smokers, not addicts. This is not what I want to talk about however.....I think its time to officially quit smoking cigarettes. Why? Its not about my health, and it damn sure ain't those Truth dot com commercials....they are raising cigarette prices to 9 dollars! What?! That is crack prices! I refused to get ripped off....so all you big tobacco companies...I'm done. Your product ain't that good. If you pay 9 bucks for a pack of cigs you are a sucker.

Biggie...

Biggie Smalls is one of the greatest rappers alive. I don't think anyone can really make an argument otherwise. As good as he was, he did say some really fucked up things. Some CRAZY things, some really crazy things. Quite possibly some of the craziest things ever said in rap. From gruesome rape on children, to punching pregnant women, to performing oral on men. Biggie said some fucked up shit. Here are some of the most memorable...

"You looked so good I suck on your daddy's dick."

"Don't you know my nigga Gutta fuckin' kidnap kids?

Fuck em in the ass, throw them over the bridge."

"At my arraignment, note for the plantiff,

Your daughters tied up in a Brooklyn basement,

Face it not guilty, thats how I stay filthy."

"Hail Mary full of grace...smack the bitch in the face,

take the Gucci bag and the North Face,

off her back, jab her if she act."

"I got a bitch to suck my dick until i nut,

spit it on my gut and slurp that shit back up,

ain't that a slut, she even take it in the butt,

fuck for about an hour now she want a golden shower."

"Sucked all day, smoking blunts, counting cheese,

fucking bitches till they assholes bleed."

"I like em cute, round tits and fat asses,

Educated...so I can bust up on they glasses."

"I wouldn't give a fuck if your pregnant,

give me the baby rings and the #1 mom pendant."

"Electrical tape around your daughter, slaughter."

"When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell,

Cause Im a piece of shit, it aint hard to fucking tell."

"I sticking ice picks on the tip of your dick,

give your testicals a swift kick."

"Hit you with the dick, make your kidneys shift."

TV

What are the greatest shows to ever grace a television set? Hmmm... great question myself. For my money, here are my picks.

The Twilight Zone - simply genius and way ahead of its time. Great twists and pretty good effects for the time period.

The Sopranos - Greatest written show on television. This show was a 101 course on character development. I can't recall anything with such such fleshed out and deep characters. Simply amazing, my favorite ever.

Seinfeld - Who honestly does not like this show? Greatest sitcom comedy, no question about it.

Quantum Leap - A throwback and a show I love. I like that its episodic and the main character has such strong morals...its a family show but not so cookie cutter that it makes you vomit.

X-Files - The best sci-fi show on the air. I also like that the majority of it is episodic.

South Park - Yeah it got big and then kind of lost steam and got lame, but this is the funniest adult cartoon on the air. I'm sorry Simpsons and Family Guy, but you ain't got shit on South Park.

Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Genius. Watch this next season...I'm predicting that this show is about to BLOW up huge.

Chapelles Show - Classic. A shame it ended so soon. I credit this show for opening peoples eyes to true comedy and basically killing off SNL.

Inside the NFL - A real shame that this got canceled. No show had such great chemistry between the hosts as this.

Entourage - It might have lost steam recently, but the first season was amazing.

Johnny Bravo - I fucking love this cartoon.

Pop Up Video - I swear to God, I could watch this for days on ends.

Salute Your Shorts - When I was a kid this was my shit. Wow. Donkey Lips. What a great show, kids don't have it like this anymore, now all they have is Hannah Montana.

Law and Order INVASION!

So yeah "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" came, filmed, and fucked up my house. The prop guys arrived at about 11 AM. They then proceeded to move all the furniture out of my Aunts apartment and moved "Santana's" stuff. And since they were going on Latino stereotypes, his furniture consisted strictly of statues and paintings of Jesus. Also included was "weed" and "coke". I was shocked they didn't bring some leopard print bed sheets. They then removed the door to the apartment, and replaced it with a trick one the big guy above would later kick in.

So these dudes left and there was calm for like a hour, until about 50 dudes came with the actors. Now it was around 7 PM and they started installing lights everywhere until my house looked like Shea. At this time I went to the catering table with my friend and acted like two homeless guys with tapeworms at a buffet. "Juicy Fruit?! Oh Shit! Put it in your pockets man! Fucking Juicy Fruit!" Returned back to the house and watched this dude kick the door down 3 times, then drag Santana out of bed, then drive him to Shea to pitch for the Mets. I kid. So yeah...they wrapped up about 9 PM. Heres the best part tho...this scene is going to be about 3 minutes of the episode. They were at my friggin house from 11 AM to 9 PM for 3 damn minutes?! It was not glamorous at all...if these guys come to your house and ask to film, tell them to fuck off. I saw one of the actors....I don't want to name names....urinate on my Aunt's dishes  that she just cleaned in the sink. He then went threw her kitchen drawers and proceeded to lick down every eating utensil. What? Spread that one around Perez Hilton, you fat gay white Oprah. Seriously tho, the staff and cast were very friendly and down to earth.

Raccoon stealing a floormat

This son of the bitch....stealing doormats! I personally love raccoons and wouldn't mind one as a pet, despite them seeming like the dumbest animals on the planet. These bastards were made to burgle, born with that classic burglars mask.