Nanny hates the Gays.

This is an exact word for word conversation I had with my dad today.

ME: Well you know how Nanny is with all her friggin vitamins.

DAD: Yeah. We'll you know her... she's trying to be homophobic.

ME: What?

DAD: Homeopathic.

Genius. You couldn't make this up.

Soccer is Stupid

Ha Ha its funny cause its true... Soccer is stupid. USA will not have a championship team until the urban youth here in America gets involved. White kids from the suburbs do not win professional sporting championships.

French Commercial

Great Stoner Game

I just thought of this great and easy stoner game you can play with a bunch of friends.

1. Smoke a fat blunt of some great weed. Preferably Haze.

2. Let the high settle in, maybe grab some munchies.

3. Ask one of your friends. "Hey Jim, (friends name) lets pretend for a second. Pretend that you and David (another friend in the room) were chilling in the woods and he got kidnapped or went missing or some shit.(It's important you say it exactly as written) So Say the police come and ask you what he looks like. Give a real description and don't try to be funny."

4. Have him give a description like he would do exactly in that situation, as if he is talking to a real police officer and that friends life rests on this description.

5. Hilarity ensues.

Yes Homo.

All of us straight men like some things that can be considered gay. (Don't even pretend like you don't) This is a new feature here where I man up and admit to some faggy shit I like. (no offense to the fags... err... homosexuals)

I'm not going to lie... I really like the new Katy Perry song "California Gurls". I originally listened to it thinking it might be a cover of the Beach Boys/ David Lee Roth song. Instead it was a great pop song featuring Snoop Dogg. Then I saw the video and thought the concept was fucking genius. I know its trying to be very sexy but I don't find Katy Perry all that appealing. (She is a less hot version of Zooey Deschenal to me) The sex appeal is not even the reason I like it... its a genius concept. I love this song too cause it has this 80's vibe to it... fuckin' genius bro. So I guess on this I have to call a...

YES HOMO.

Logan (2010) Trailer

Looks like we might have a new "The Room" coming out here. I am AMPED to see this in the theatres. This trailer served exactly its purpose... I want a ticket.

Lets Break this down shall we..

- At the dinner table when he announces he is making a movie, his father has the same reaction as if he would have announced he was pregnant. My dad acted the same exact way when I said I wanted to get into film.

- "Do you remember that movie we saw?" They are literally standing outside the movie theatre. "Do you remember that we movie we just saw minutes ago?" how could he not fucking remember?! What are they brain dead?

- The teacher told Logan he would give his script to his cousin. Instead of saying yeah and just tossing it aside... a little invention called lying... he comes right out and basically says, "I never thought your dumb ass would actually do it."

- This is the most dramatic piano playing I have ever heard.

- "Has a 13 year old ever made a movie?" What?! No Way! NEVER! You are speaking insanity! How could a 13 year old possibly handle the intricate machinery required for such a feat. I made a shitload of movies when I was 13... they should make a movie about me! Movie!

- Logans parents really couldn't afford a better camera then that? Jesus Christ. What is he Charlie Chaplin? Is he making a silent film?

I have to stop... I could keep on going with this the rest of the night. The fact that this got made is shocking.

Things that Piss Me Off

2 Things that Piss Me Off...

1. Youtube videos being spoiled by the title. Someone goes, "Dude, you got to check this video out." I turn to the screen and there is the slow build up and then I glance at the title and it reads, "kid flips on bike and cracks open skull." Bam, the video is spoiled. I know exactly where this vid is leading too. No surprise. Imagine if the title of "Sixth Sense" was "Main Character is really dead!!!1!!!!"

2. People with crazy eyes. They should be forced to wear dark sunglasses all the time. How can I look you in the eyes when I talk to you when your are eyes are glancing everywhere. I instinctually glance over to where you are looking to make sure a fucking tiger or something is not running over at us. The whole time I talk to you I'm thinking how fucking crazy your eyes look and hoping I don't have a slip of the tounge. In my head I'm repeadtly saying, "Don't make it noticeable your staring at the eye." Then If I don't maintain eye contact you say I am a rude prick. Fuck you.

USA vs. The Refs

Wow. What a game. Just a day after soccer bored me to death and it redeems itself. Team USA is BY FAR the most exciting team in the World Cup. A team that gets better later in the game... which is rare.

We can not let this victory stop us from overlooking a huge problem. These refs are as crooked as a dog's hind leg. Wow. If USA lost I was going to boycott the World Cup just like I am boycotting BP. You had another goal taken away for no good reason, and Dempsey getting PUNCHED in the face with no call. He looked like he just came out of the ring with Mike Tyson. Its obvious the rest of the world does not want the USA to be good at soccer.

One other note.... FUCK ALGERIA. They acted like total crybaby dickheads. Did you see them shoving and playing dirty as shit? And the thing that I saw that almost made me brake my television was at the end of the game.... They cut to Bill Clinton celebrating and some bitch cunt whore throws an Algerian flag over his head around his neck. I wish he would have wiped his ass with it... or better yet, rub it on his STD infested cock and then shove that crabs ridden flag down her fucking throat.

Mock Murder

GREATEST NEWS STORY EVER

Read that and revel in its awesomeness. The principal of a middle school pretended to murder a teacher in front of the students as a lesson. Why did he do this? "to teach Year 8 pupils how to investigate, collect facts and analyse evidence". Wow. The children bugged the fuck out having panic attacks and what not. I WISH my principal would have done this. Now I know your thinking this would traumatize you but you would never forget this and you have the ultimate conversation starter. People should follow this example and do more wacky - see it in the movies- shit. This would make life a whole lot more interesting.

Genius

I want you to think about something for a minute. There is a professional sports team named the "Toronto Raptors". The logo is a fucking Raptor playing basketball. Right after "Jurassic Park" released this did not seem so crazy, but now? A fucking raptor! Playing god damn basketball! I remember when I was a kid and my two favorite things were basketball and dinosaurs.... Actually those still are my two favorite things... Anyway, I heard a new team was coming into the league and when I finally saw the logo I creamed my pants. That raptor is wearing a jersey and sneakers? And its screaming? Jesus is this awesome. Imagine if scientists found out that raptors didn't actually roar, but instead screamed exactly like gay men. Picture Jurassic Park with the dinosaurs screaming like gay men... I know I have.

Soccer is Un-American

I was watching the World Cup today and I realized that soccer is B-O-R-I-N-G. I have no interest in the actual sport, what attracts me is the fan fare and the emotion and passion of the fans. The fact that its once every four years makes it seem like must see TV. Will I ever watch soccer that is not World Cup? Hell to the No. Will I watch the World Cup when the U.S. gets eliminated? Probably not. Watching soccer is like watching paint dry. I love that saying... who the fuck watches paint dry? Why? Is it someones job? "I just painted this, make sure it dries and then come and get me." "Man this is fucking boring... not as bad as watching soccer tho."

Watch a game... no one in the stands pays attention. Everyone is drunk off their asses, blowing those horns, singing songs, and fighting. It's only when a goal is scored that the hooligans wake up. I don't know how foreigners can say baseball is boring and soccer is not.

Chang Han

So I've been getting these truly weird e-mails I'm assuming are spam or scam. Spam or Scam! This one was one of the oddest... it was from Chang Han and the title read, "Immediate Attention". Hmmmm...

Hello, I am Chang Han, an attorney at law. My late client of mine, that bears the same last name as yours, died as a result of a heart-related condition in March 12th 2008, leaving behind a deposit valued at 19million dollars. His heart situation was due to the death of all the members of his family in the tsunami disaster on the 26th December 2004 in Sumatra Indonesia. Best Regards, Chang Han. Email: chang09@myemail.com

Well that sucks. Someone with the last name of Johnston found out every member of his family died from the Tsunami in Indonesia. Why were ALL of the members of his family in Indonesia... "Johnston" is not much of an Indonesian name. Poor guy. So basically I got an e-mail telling me some random person with my last name died, and then Chang Han has the nerve to sign off with "Best Regards". I simply e-mailed him back with this.

Mr. Chang Han it is always a privilege to communicate with you. While your info is pointless, it is very much appreciated.

Best Regards,

"Cactus"

I was in the city the other day and I stumbled across a shit load of production vans and some huge catering stands. I asked my friend what they were filming and he claimed it was a live action "Smurfs" movie... the Smurfs take New York City. I thought for sure I was being fucked with. How the hell did this movie get the greenlight? People are seriously on fucking drugs. This is not a good idea and it's already been done.... a little movie called "Avatar". If you have not seen it yet.... don't. I hope this "Smurf" movie also contains a sex scene.. very graphic at that. There is only one Smurf chick in the whole society... if she is not a slut the Smurf race will cease to exist... thats a heavy burden bro. And if there is NOT a scene where these little fucks happen across the "Blue Man Group", then everyone associated with this film should be fired ASAP.

Best Cry Ever Hip Hop Mix

Box Office - Mamma Duke?!?!

Shrek Forever After	$25,486,465	$183,229,453
Get Him to the Greek	$17,571,000	$17,571,000
Killers	$15,837,266	$15,837,266
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time	$14,019,131	$59,621,721
Sex and the City 2	$12,344,000	$73,128,000
Marmaduke	$11,599,661	$11,599,661
Iron Man 2	$7,918,708	$291,429,870
Splice	$7,385,000	$7,385,000
Robin Hood	$5,366,000	$94,496,000
Letters to Juliet	$3,036,367	$43,337,836

Theres your box office for the weekend. EWWWWW! Look at that shitty line-up... (I have a feeling "Get Him to the Greek" is a really good film tho.) You have that shit fest "Killers" with Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigel. Heigel seems like a real ice queen, I would cast her as Kate Gosselin in a biopic. What else do we have? Prince of Persia... "The Prince of Persia" starring a white guy. I should make "King of the Blacks" starring a white guy... maybe Sinbad. Then we have Sex and The City 2 starring Sarah Jessica Parker... who also stars in "Marmaduke". Oh wait... thats actually a computer generated dog. Choosing between "Sex and the City 2" and "Marmaduke" is like choosing between AIDS and Cancer. "Sex and the City 2" would obviously be AIDS since it is for the gays. Thank you and goodnight.

Real Ad

This is an actual real advertisement. When I first read it I assumed it was talking about someone rolling on the pill E. They can't drive cause they are on E. I thought it was odd this ad was promoting drug use, until I finally realized the E stood for empty.

Make Me Old! GO NOW!

Look at this advertisement. "How old will you look?" Why the picture is that of a "Newsie" from the Depression torn America I do not know. What I do know is this creeper is gonna age into Bilbo Baggins. He's not going to grow at all, just get older in the face... He is going to become Benjamin Button. "Make Me Old!" I can just picture this tiny little kid screaming that at someone. "Make Me Old! GO NOW!" He is demanding and commanding. (Thats got to be a Walt Fraizer line) Who seriously sees that crappy ad and then thinks, "Wow. Look at how accurate that looks! I wonder how I will look old? Will I be a "cougar"? I would love if someone pays to have it done and gets back a picture of a skeleton.... "you will die young".

Gayest Thing Ever

I saw this ad on TV and almost died. How can ANYONE possibly take this jerk-off device seriously? No one on the shoot realized that it looks like these bodybuilders are about to take a load to the face. The thing should shoot out a semen like substance at your face to let you know when your work-out is done.

McRibbles

Oh baby look what's coming to McDonalds! I want to literally stick my dick into that "American Pie" style. This is for all you perverts hoping for a new "Flintstones" movie so they would bring the McRib back. Look at that pic... you can almost get a whiff of the aroma... I bet they smell like rape smothered in BBQ sauce.

I've been thinking about killing myself lately... not really but I've been thinking about how I would do it. Why does everyone off themselves in like a small tiny room alone? I would climb to the top of the Empire State building and jump off that motherfucker. If your gonna go out, go out in style. There are so many great tall things in this world perfect for jumping off of.