Ask Sonic

Dear Sonic,

    I am having such a dilemma! It seems like everything in today's day and age ends with a dot com and a bunch of "W"s in the front. Its hard for someone like me in the twilight of their life to grasp such new concepts such as "The Internet". This has become a big problem because my daughter keeps trying to deliver me photos of my grandson by the "e-mail". I have no idea how to receive the "e-mail" and have not seen my grandson in 5 years. How do I find this "e-mail"? I desperately want to see my grandson!

From,

Beatrice

SONIC: What the fuck do I know Ho! You say you old as shit, what the fuck you needs to be on the internet for? You ain't looking for fresh pussy on MySpace and you damn sure aint searching for booty clappin hoes! So I say you dont even need that shit!

3.30.09

This is how I used to answer math problems in highschool

Film Class

Heres how you cant take a news headline and make it into a film...

"Violence increases in 2010 Olympic site, Vancouver. Officials consider moving Olympics"

Boom. That news article is practiclly the logline itself.

"Violence increases in 2010 Olympic site, Vancouver. Officials consider moving Olympics.... but hired hand, Jake "Enforcer" Mathis, plans on changing that"

I think you can pretty much guess what that movie is right there is going to be all about. I bet you can even close your eyes and actually envision the film and can even think out some scenes.

Hell here is a Tag Line:
"Before there can be Olympic Glory, there must be some Jake Mathis Gory!"

Now thats the action approach... here is the comedy approach....

" The suburban, generally quiet, town of Vancouver experiences a slight upswing in violence that could cost them "their" Olympics. The mayor panics and turns to a grizzled war hero. Enter Jake "The Enforcer" Mathis.... a man who hates crime almost as much as gymnastics."

And there you have the story of some ex Marine hard ass Clint Eastwood son of a bitch, cleaning up a suburban town from a rogue gang. He is on a limited time schedule to get back the towns  Olympic aspirations and all the while he has an upitty George Costanza type mayor on his ass every move.To make matters worse, due to circumstance his sidekick winds up becoming a tiny male gymnast with Olympic aspirations and a Napoleon complex. The laughs wont stop with this one.

OR... you can make the gymnast a rather fat out of shape guy who is just trying to be in the Olympics when it hits his home town but has no shot what so ever. He could be like a Chris Farley big dopey 30 year old who still lives at home with his mom and wont stop dreaming. He loves the Olympics while Jake Mathis hates them... classic comedic bickering right there. So many gags can come from this... stuff with tights and sexuality jokes.

In first have you have Jake Mathis come in and start destroying this gang. During this he befriend the gymnast who is a hometown guy training hard. Then he find out someone is behind the gang and purposely trying to get the area to lose the Olympic Games. Maybe the reveal can be some other country or maybe the mayor for a big surprise.

Jake goes home and the gymnast goes back to training and actually makes the olympics.

Now for the finale... The Olympic games are now in the town and every things seems splendid. However, Mathis finds out there is going to be a terrorist attack against the show possibly by the first person who escaped or a different member of that group.

So for the finale Jake has to travel to the Olympics to stop the bomb or whatever. At the same time his gymnast buddy is going for a gold medal.

No one take this idea from me, I might use it.

3.28.09

I really stopped drinking. I drink here and there but not like I used to. Those days of stumbling around drunk, picking fights, and slobbering with random whores are done. I go to a bar now and see these idiots jam packed in like a can of sardines spending hundreds buying girls drinks, who could care less if they live or die. Then Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" comes on and they act like its the first time they heard it in years and gleefully sing along.... when in reality they drunkenly sing along to this song every week.

I lost that anger in me.... and I realize a lot of that anger came from drinking. It really clogs up your mind negatively. Other drugs actually make you have deeper thoughts, or rather more unconventional thoughts... getting pounded drunk just makes you dumber and bloated. I never thought the day would come where I was ready to just about quit drinking for good, but it has. Maybe I have just grown up, cause some things that used to excite me just get me frustrated now. I have a new understanding and appreciation for tranquility. Staying home and watching some great films is becoming more exciting then getting tanked and going bar hopping. Maybe I'm getting more mature... or maybe I'm getting lame.

3.27.09

Holy Shit

3.26.09

3.23.09

Let me post this link here.... Actually let me give a warning first... this is NOT for the squeamish, and shows some of the worst diseases a person can get. This really opens someones eyes about how lucky the are just to be able to go outside and take a walk. All I hear now a days is people complaining, myself included, about the Recession and not having money and what not, but then you see someone who has two legs the size of tree trunks. So next time your whining about getting zero bars in an area on your cell phone, remember that someone out there has "Collapsed Face Syndrome".

http://www.healthmad.com/Conditions-and-Diseases/The-Most-Horrible-Diseases-Ever-to-Tremble-the-World.79729/2

Another question I have is this... how come these odd diseases are always in these third world countries? I know the obvious answer is lack of money and poor medical equipment and what nor, but is it something more then that? I know some bizaare animals and creatures live in those areas that carry crazy diseases. Is it a combo of the both?

Then this link has the worst diseases I have ever seen in my life.

http://www.healthmad.com/Conditions-and-Diseases/The-Most-Horrible-Diseases-Ever-to-Tremble-the-World-3.593819

How do you honestly act if someone like that came up to you and asked you for directions? How can you not stare out of human curiosity? And if you simply try not to make direct eye contact isn't that rude too?

New Wonka movie

Gobstopper Trailer - watch more funny videos

Genius

3.18.09

Fucking Communist bullshit Panera bread! I'm typing this as we speak in a Panera Bread, looking like a real grade A yuppie asshole with my Macbook and Frontega chicken. The point is this.... They have a filter on what sites I can and can not look at. So I cant enjoy the sights of FistingFemales.com while sipping on my chicken noodle soup! Bullshit! I thought this was America people!   Which brings me to a question.. how many people do you think are looking at porn in public places? I know some sickos in the library live off that shit. Do they have no decency. I remember reading an article somewhere that some sicko got in trouble for show hardcore porn to little kids while in the library, which forced all libraries to install a content filter.

This woman near him has that Botox fish lip shit. Who in the world finds that attractive? What guy has ever said, "Damn man, check out that chicks lips... they look like a fish! Mad hot!" That has to be one of the most pointless surgeries this side of breast reduction.

3.18.09

You see those Jack Daniels jeans? They aren't even jeans, they are pajama pants and yours truly just bought a pair for 7 bucks. They have instantly become one of my most prized possessions and now I can still look classy without having to deal with the uncomfortability of jeans. These will go great with my America flag print Bandanna, "9/11: Never Forget" Eagle with lone tear drop tank top, and fanny pack. These pants are perfect for the Recession and for being able to watch Nascar and tell racist jokes with extreme comfort.

3.16.09

WAH WAH WAH! The new biggest crybaby in sports is Jay Cutler. Who the hell does this guy think he is? He is SO good that you are not allowed to even talk about trading him? You didn't even make the playoffs! You had one of the worst collapses I've seen last year. You were a guaranteed playoff team and you handed it to the Chargers.

First Cutler blew off a charity event and then sold his house in Denver and his parents house in Denver. Now he refused to attend a mandatory meeting and is demanding to be traded. This kid has some serious ego problems. I remember him even saying he has a better arm then John Elway or something along those lines. You know who can pull this shit... Peyton Manning, not no Jay Cutler. Win some championships and MVP's before you pull this shit.

Music Video part deuce

So I was filming the newest music video for the Sons of 1984 called "Jungle". If you want an idea of what the look will be like go and watch Jay-Z's "99 Problems". Thats my inspiration big time for this rather short video (about 2 minutes). I was really proud with what we got filmed today, but we did have a pretty funny occurrence. I was very intent on getting into the cemetery and filming some stuff there. For whatever reason as soon as I song I envisioned people rapping on gravestones and what not. The beat just has this eerie ghastly feel to it, and I knew it would work perfectly in that setting. My one friend JP was spooked out about going into the cemetery and his girlfriend kinda got into his head by saying how creepy and odd it was. As soon as we pulled in and parked, he looks over to his right and the gravestone reads the huge last name of his girlfriend. Funny coincidence. 

Now I'll have you know that in the car is about 12 beers, a bottle of wine, and a lot of weed, so we are riding dirty. We then proceed to walk around by the graves with a radio blasting rap music while the performers are climbing on statues as I'm filming them. We made a vow to make not sure to film any names on the headstones, so we felt this was fine. I still stand by this feeling, a cemetery is a really cool place with some of the most gorgeous statues and sculptures I have seen. Its a shame people feel so weirded out by death and don't get too observe these beautiful works of art. It was a real cloudy and dreary day and it looked like we might be starring in "Night Of The Living Dead". The whole time we are doing this we are very cautious about being caught. We are moving pretty quickly and constantly observing our surroundings until I hear someone honking their horn non stop. I know that this is intended as a warning of some sort for us to get the hell out of there. We ignore it and continue filming until we get all our shots. We then go back to the car and go to leave... but the front gate is locked. So we drive to the back and that is locked too. It was a warning that the cemetery was closing, and that we better leave or we are going to be spending a night with the dead. At this point we started joking that we were about to become the newest "Blair Witch Project" as people would only find the camera and see footage of a rap video followed by us being ripped to shreds by zombies. This had all the makings of the beginning of a zombie flick. So basically I'm typing this from inside the cemetery right now, as we are stuck here until 9:30 the next morning.

I personally dont understand the concept of a cemetery. I don't want to be put underground in a wooden box in a field with a bunch of strangers. Fuck that. Put me in a urn and keep me in your house mother fucker. Put me by the HDTV. Or throw my shit in the ocean... You know I have this fear, that if you don't cremate and burn the body, giving yourself a Viking funeral, that the soul is captured in the body until it decomposes. You ever think of that? Even though I'm only 23 I often get asked do I want burial or cremation. I want neither. I want a little ol' practice we like to call mummification. Mummy my ass and put me in the corner of the living room. I will really add to the decor and be a great conversation starter.

Don't Watch the Watchmen

I saw the Watchmen last week and I disliked it so much I did not even feel the need to write a review of it. It wasn't that I hated it, as I would have to vent on here about it, it was more that I felt indifferent. I found it boring and dull. I felt it was made by someone who was afraid of offending the fanboys in the slightest and basically did an adaptation panel for panel. What this "visionary" directory failed to realize is the comic wouldn't translate well word for word as a film. It is too speechy for the big screen and there is simply too much happening... the story would really have to be condensed for the characters actions to have any resonance. I'm generally not a big fan of ensemble pieces, as I don't like to jump around too much. This film is jumping about all through time giving you the backstory on just about everyone, and some of it is simply not important with what has been edited out. I'm a fan of the novel, (as much as one could be who basically despises superheroes) but this film fell really flat. In order to make a good film the director really needed to take liberties of the story and broaden something that was way too large in scope for even a 3 hour film. The director made a film to appeal to the fanboys and basically turned off the casual viewers. This is a big no no. the fanboys will see the movie no matter what, even if you completely change the story.. don't worry about catering to them, worry about everyone else.  Another thing that made the novel was so cool was the originality. There had never been another comic like it.... but now we have already seen "Sin City" and "Dark Knight" which stole a lot of thunder. Dark Knight also even touches on the subject of a hero playing a villain for the greater cause of mankind, which is touched on in Watchmen.

I had a strong feeling this movie would be a flop, and after a decent opening weekend I knew word of mouth would sink this ship by the second weekend. Heres the stats: "Watchmen dropped a hugely disappointing 78 percent from a week ago to bring in a mere $5.4 mil." This was truly the novel that could not be filmed... and now its showing that the statement was indeed true.

I heard people saying Watchmen should have been a mini series on HBO and I agree 100 percent. That would have been perfect and ideal and probably would have been one of the better shows in a long time.

BTW Malin Akerman (the chick who gets banged in the spaceship) is one of the worst actors I have seen this side of Nicholas Cage and the Anakin Skywalker kid. I thought she sucked in "Heartbreak Kid" and dont know why Hollywood has this hard on for her.

3.14.09

What happens when you have a dream that you constantly thrive for.... A dream you think about day and night and obsess over, always running around your thoughts and the topic of all your daydreams and fantasies. What happens when you finally obtain that dream and lose the passion for it? This has always been interesting to me... what then? A kid who practice basketball 24 hours a day, with Jordan posters all over his room. After years of practice and blood sweat and tears, he makes it to the majors... Then he realizes he no longer has the love for the sport... the passion is gone. Does he dare have the courage to quit and start over? This is a scenario I have been thinking about... mite make for a cool film.

3.13.09

Y0u learn something every day....

Today I learned that Yakuza gang members insert pearls in their dick.. What? Apparently, after every year they spend in jail they insert a pearl underneath the skin of the shaft of the penis. So the end effect is that the penis winds up looking like it has a bunch of mosquito bites. This enhances the sexual pleasure for both members. If you don't believe me just google "Yakuza Pearls". That shit is pretty insane. Imagine sitting in jail and your cell mate asks you to out a pearl into his dick skin.....

Interesting Shits...

Some tidbits from a cool site....


The story behind the Nike "swoosh" logo. Who came up with the infamous Nike "swoosh" logo? It was actually designed by a female Portland State University student who received $35 from the founder of Nike to create the logo. Yes, you read that right. A lousy $35. But after Nike became successful they decided to give her some stock in the company along with a gold Nike ring. The swoosh logo is supposed to represent the wing of the Greek Goddess "Nike" who was the Goddess of Victory.

Jordan almost became a New York Knick. In Spike Lee's book, Best Seat in the House, Spike tells the story of how in late 1996 he and MJ were talking after shooting a commercial together. Spike asked MJ if there was ever a chance he could have left the Bulls and gone to the Knicks. MJ said, "There was a chance." Spike couldn't believe it. MJ went on to say, "Before I signed with Chicago last year, after we won, it came down to 30 minutes. New York was right downstairs. The Bulls---all they had to do was mess up." What Jordan meant by that is if Jerry Reinsdorf, the owner of the Bulls, had made an insulting offer MJ would have walked away and signed with the Knicks. Thankfully, the Bulls offered Jordan $30 million for a one year contract and the legend continued.

Ask Sonic

Well this monthly feature has been missing here recently. Sonic is extremely hard to locate, and will only contact you when he is looking to "borrow" money. After numerous unanswered messages, Sonic finally responded to us and conducted this interview from a prison. He claimed he was serving a "bid" from some old weapon charges brought against him. He said he is in good health and spirits and "running shit inside like usual". Sonic also revealed that he had a lot of "friends" on the inside. Sonic is a known associate of the "Bloods" street gang, and flaunts his association by always wearing vibrant red sneakers.

Q.)       Dear Sonic,

            

What are some of your favorite television shows?

                                           From,

                                                  Cyndi

SONIC: I don't watch television much no mores... you know what I'm sayin? But when I do watch I like to check out ummm... "Real Sex" on HBO..... sometimes late night on Cinemax is some good shit too. I like my shows to have at least some fucking you know what I'm sayin? If there aint gonna be no fuckin', then why am I wasting my time watching when I can be out fuckin? Ya Smell Me? Besides for them I used to fucks with "Fraggel Rock".

3.8.09

What in the hell... In this video we have a drunk japanese guy playing Super Mario Land for Game Boy. He is as excited as one could be and "WOOO"s more then Ric Flair, plus he sucks at the game. If you can watch this whole thing you win a prize.

Internet Whores

Internet whores....

I love the internet... I spend a lot of time on the internet.. but I do not consider myself a internet whore. A internet whore is someone who fails to utilize the knowledge one can gain from the net. A internet whore is someone who spends all their time on Facebook, AIM, Myspace, and Twitter or some shit like that. Why are these sites popular? The same reason that tabloids and gossip mags are popular, because most people are nosy fucks and have poor self esteems. These social networks exploit both of these "needs". They make every joe schmo into a angelina jolie brad pitt with every body in their fucking business. What the hell is happening to privacy in this country? Especially with cell phones now, everyone knows what their friends are doing every second of the day... where is the mystery and intrigue? 

I never knew what Twitter was but have heard a lot of talk about it and decided to investigate it today. I watched an official video on it and pissed me the hell off. What it basically says is that your friends and family need to know what you are doing every minute of the day, and it is your obligation to update them even if you are "taking a shit".... because family members like to know things like that. "John is watching the Lakers" WHO GIVES A FUCK?! (Side Note: Someone told me I curse too much the other day... I totally disagree. To me curses are the "spice" to the english language. I like putting salt on my french fries... I like putting curses in my dialogue) All these social networking sites are doing are creating a generation of stalkers and nosey fucks. I really feel I am in many ways a throwback and have been born in the wrong generation. I  am also not fond of the pacing of movies and television today. Everything moves too fucking quick.... people have forgot the importance of suspense and tension. I'm still not sure if this is a global thing or American thing... I have not been out of the country yet. You know what the best day ever was... the blackout. I wish every fucking day was the blackout.

3.4.09

The levels of awesome about this can not be comprehended by our simple human minds. Two of the greatest thinkers of our generation have a livid debate about "Running" versus "Training".

http://www.runvstrain.com?debate=elivsyao

9.4.09

A lot of people remember Twisted Metal 2... one of the best games ever. Well here is a GREAT gem only found on the interwebz. This is the actual ending for Sweet Tooth that was filmed for the first PS game. The maker decided it was too cheesy and the live action endings were canned in the end. This is amazing and feels like I;m watching the "Killer Clowns from Outer Space". It is also obvious from seeing this where Heath Ledger got the inspiration for The Joker.

3.3.09

"My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live."

-Kanye West

3.2.09

The best part of hockey is the goalies mask... everyone knows this, even the most die hard of fans. Here are some of the coolest ones in the league... the one dude automatically wins for having Casey Jones on his.

NES Classics - Flea Market Games

I remember the good old days... When I was a kid you could buy video games for a quarter. For a fucking quarter! Today they are what... 70 bucks? Back in the day I used to go to the flea markets.... They had these big bins of all used Nintendo games, no boxes, just the cartridges thrown into a big friggin bin. I was a dumb little kid who would analyze these cartridges, trying to decide if a game was good or not based on the sticker image. There was no internet... I couldn't just pull out my iPhone and get a video game review to see if it was worth buying. Nope.... I had to rely on a little thing called instinct. 

So when I pulled out "Mighty Bombjack" I thought I had hit the fucking lotto. What is this?! A Viking man dressed up as a superhero fucking up mummys in Egypt?! I'm in! Thats advertising 101 right there... look at that picture and the title of that game... Mighty BombJack... are you telling me you don't want to play that? This game turned out to be real shit... but hey, you cant win them all.

Then there was this gem...

When I pulled this one out of the bin I think I got my first hard on. There is a game called Chubby fucking Cherub and you play as a naked kid?! I couldn't hand my money to the guy fast enough. Why would anyone in their right mind sell a game where a naked cupid stops burglars with kisses?

My obsession with obscure Nintendo games didn't end when Super Nintendo became the new top dawg. There was a place called Funcoland that would sell used NES games too. When you went there they would hand you a newspaper that had just about every game ever for Nintendo listed with a price. I was now buying games based on name alone. While most kids were buying Mortal Kombat, I was buying games called "Pestterminator". I would ask the poor store clerk for the rarest of games and they would have to look through crates upon crates for a piece of shit I was going to buy for a dime.... I loved the good old days.

3.1.09

Well apparently there is a blizzard or some shit going down right now. They say we are going to get 12 inches... that like a foot of snow I think... no f'n way... Never once have I've seen as much snow as the television predicts. I always wake up in the morning expecting to not even be able to look out my window as it will be covered in snow, but instead I see a old lady with a broom sweeping a few snowflakes off the sidewalk. I bet the same shit happens once again. Ain't no foot of snow is coming... bullshit!

I got this widget for the macbook, which is a alligator that puts random words together when you click on it.. for instance right now he is saying, "You remind me of my infinite tootbrush." And now when I click him he says, "Bobby Brown strides within topless crafts." What the fuck is the point of this thing.. to make me lose my mind?! What kind of crazy mind would create such a thing? 

The History Channel is obsessed with the Apocalypse. I'm watching the seven signs of the end right now and before it was giving me tons of reasons why the world will end in 2012. I've been hearing that year a lot lately for the end of times. Fuck it.... I want it to happen. If I'm going to die I want to go down with the rest of humanity. I want to go down like the fucking dinosaurs. It would be pretty cool to know that when i leave I ain't missing out on anything, because everyone else is dead. Its not like I die and then the next year the Knicks win the championship.

I DVR'ed the movie 10,000 B.C. I knew it would suck but I figured if I got really stoned and watched it in HD at least it would look cool... the price is wrong bitch! i could only stand this god awful piece of shit for 15 minutes before I had to shut it off. "Cavemen" starring Ringo Starr is more historically accurate, and thats not even a joke. These prehistoric nomads speak perfect english and fight creatures that were extinct long before they arrived. If you were going to do a movie like this at least do it correctly... fuck the dialogue completely. You think the people who paid to see this film care about a story? This film should of been an extended version of the beginning of a Space Odyssey 2001. Ape men fucking shit up while grunting.