Criss Angel Levitates Me!

FUCK YOU!!!! Live right now I am watching the Magician of the Deuche bags Criss Angel and he is going to fucking levitate me thru the television. I'm hoping to float right into the fan and get a nice lawsuit on my hand.... So I just fired up the episode on my DVR and I will be watching it live with this blog and by the end I should be floating around.

The Affliction t shirt brand could stay in business based on the sales of Criss Angel alone... and why does he spell his name "Criss"? I remember when this guy was small time and used to run shows out of WWF New York here in Times Square. That was before he went out to vegas and became a multi-millionaire. His show used to be more "gothic" and less mainstream too. He was big into hanging himself from his skin on hooks and shit like that. Ok I cant take this I'm fast forwarding to when he levitates me... this damn show is an hour. Right now I'm feeling excited and quite frankly a little afraid. Im thinking he's going to use some sort of hypnosis. Ok here we go.....

HA HA HA HA! What?! He rambles on and on about seeing balloons and being lifted in the air and then closing your eyes. Then when he "snaps" you out of it he plugs his website and asks you to share your "experience".... This guy was designed to take take fat suburban Hot Topic wearing white chicks money.... lets look at some comments...

Criss, I'm still spread-eagled on my lounge room ceiling. Someone changed the channel while I was up there. How do I get down?

Criss i levitated gt worked

Criss i could feel myself rise off the ground and my feet just hanging there so thank you Criss.And you are a mindfreak you freaked my mind.Love ya.

Fantasy Draft

Yesterday was my "Fantasy Draft". Not fantasy football but just fantasy. One can draft anything they want. In the first round I drafted "Die Hard 2" and in the fifth "microwave oven". I'm not sure how the scoring system is going to work but I don't see how I can lose with "Grimace" on my team. The number one pick overall was "Jansport backpack" followed by "laughter of children".

Ask Sonic

Dear Sonic,

   Yo...I know you be messing around with that "ice" brah. I know you've been ducking trial and I was just wondering.. you really think you can 

escape Dog The Bounty Hunter you ice head motherfucker?! If the Dog don't getcha then it will be Leland or my.... I mean his wife! At the end of the criminal rainbow- there is no pot of gold Sonic! So I'm asking... do you really think you can escape the Dog?!

Duane Chapman

Hawaii

SONIC: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Oh shit... Let me catch my breath...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!  Dawg you look like a old cracked out broke ass Diamond Dallas Page! You aint never gonna see me!

Vans Chukka

I must and will own these Vans Chukka Pea Coat LX's. These will be my winter shoes and just scream out grown and sexy. That colorful shit is done kiddies.... put those bright colors away and lets grow up. These should be available soon.... Hmmmm... I wonder if they would go good with a pea coat.

NES Classics - Monster Party

This is a real nightmare machine right here. In the video above you can see the first level. It starts off real nice and cute and them -BAM! as soon as you hit mid way the shit literally hits the fan. Those smiling faces are now oozing blood, corpses have rotted and legs with no fucking bodies are dancing from out of the floor. Playing this shit as a kid this freaked the hell out of me. Listen to that music thats begins playing... it sounds like something Freddy Kreuger would have in his iPod. 

The game basically consisted of the little kid with a bat (who is kidnapped by a demon to fight monsters because he owns a baseball bat) walking into rooms to fight random bosses. These bosses could be anything from giant fish, onion rings, dancing zombies (who are only defeated by watching their full dance), to the guy you see above saying, "Sorry, I'm dead."

"Sorry, I'm dead." That is the GREATEST excuse I have ever heard in my life. When my teacher would call on me to do a match problem I would keep my head down on my desk and reply, "Sorry, I'm Dead". When I die on my tombstone it is going to read, "Sorry, I'm dead." I am very serious about that too... if something happens to me and you have read this PLEASE make that happen for me. What a polite boss that is. He could just say, "I'm Dead." but he even apologizes for in fact being dead. "I really wish we could have had this boss fight... but I died."

"Sorry, I'm Dead."

My Favorite Channels

Why is "John and Kate plus 8" on "The Learning Channel". What the fuck are you learning while watching that show? Bad parenting? Media Whoring?

This is one of those things like why is it called a driveway where you park and a parkway where you drive.... actually its not like that but a fuck to you.

I'm giving you a special treat right here. There is a button on your remote control called "FAV" and when set up by hitting "SETTINGS" makes your life a whole lot easier. The days of watching Telemondu for 20 minutes before realizing it is not in English are gone. Its like a shortcut to the "rich stuff". So here are my FAVORITE CHANNELS

MJ'S FAVORITE FUCKING CHANNELS

(I'm not including premium channels)

- Sundance 

- Chiller

- VH1 Classic

- G4 

- SyFy 

- ESPN 

- Universal

- History

- A&E

- Food Network

- The Learning Channel

- AMC

- Cartoon Network

- Biography

- Nat Geo

- Discovery

- Science Channel

- IFC

- Animal Planet

- Travel Channel

- MGM

- Investigation Discovery

If it ain't on one of those channels I ain't watching it! (except for sports on the networks)

And of course most of these channels are the HD version, causing watching television without HD is like eating at a restaurant that is not Zagat rated. Suck It.

Ramblins

Things I want to see in future movies/television:

- A father and daughter arguing before she leaves to go on spring break. The dad is telling her she is only allowed to show her tits on "girls gone wild" and she wants to go fully nude. In the end they compromise on topless lesbian kiss.

- A guy walks in on his friend jerking off while looking at a facebook picture of the guy

GUY: "Dude! Are you jerking off to a picture of me?!"

FRIEND: "No way! I wasn't thinking of you... I was just checking your facebook while masterbating... can't a guy do two things at once?!"

- A superhero movie where the superhero is killed in the first 15 minutes. The rest of the film shows how the city spirals out of control and how average people must step up to take care of themselves and not rely of corny superheroes. Imagine this being the plot of the newest Batman and the anger it would receive.

- A reality series that actually follows INTERESTING people. People like Tyson or Jacko before he died. Hell even a reality show on the homeless. Rich white kids living in Cali is not fascinating. Fuck.. throw a camera crew in the worst parts of New Orleans or real ghettos and capture real life or death drama.

- I would love a weekly series about people living in a world with a zombie outbreak and fighting to find a cure and stay alive. You could have main characters in all different states and then neatly tie their stories together at the end of the season. How many more fucking vampire shows do we need on television?

Lets switch gears real quick... look at this hoodie that is for sale for $124.00 Who the fuck would wear that?! Seriously? Imagine someone coming walking down the street wearing this...

Brad Pitt

Softbank Sumo from We Love You So on Vimeo.

Awesome Japanese commercial by Spike Jonze

貞子回來了

Peeve

You know what pisses me off real fucking bad... When someone is telling you some boring ass story about their job or some technical shit you have no idea what so ever about. While telling their story they are using all these intricate words and lingo that only someone in their field would know the meaning of. I was talking to this guy who used to manage some airport or some shit, and hes telling me this story and naming this equipment. After every equipment he would ask, "Do you know what that is?" To which I would reply yes to keep this story moving and wrap this shit up. I was looking at him and nodding and responding but my mind was in a million different other places. Then one time he responded to my yes with a "Yeah... what is it?" To which I said i had no idea. I'm nice enough to listen to your dumb ass story and now you are going to quiz me? Hang a right on the corner and take a walk down Go Fuck Yourself Avenue.

Oh Rats!!

People know how much I LOVE the news report on the lepprachaun. This reminds me a lot of that... It even has another crazy guy "pretending" to play the flute. If the whole news was like this i would watch it every day.

Jenny Jones

This was a real show on television. This was a REAL show on television, This was a REAL REAL show on television.

"He wearin' leopard skin but he big like a rhino."

Camron on Snitchin

"Yo the serial killer is in 4E". I love to picture Cam'ron calling the police and saying just that.. and why did CBS feel it was so important to conduct this interview with Cam about snitching.

Asian kid

Why did Davids little brother make this video? Ha Ha what a pervert... the kid is kind of smart... he comes off kind of like a midget... and the tongue sticking out is one of the most bizarre things I have seen. His mannersims and voice are awfully gay... but then again he is going crazy about seeing tits.

Mr Awesome! Roy Shildt -

Thank God for painkillers. Anyone who has seen "King of Kong" remembers this guy called "Mr. Awesome". This video confuses me a bit... he says the best way to get girls is to pose in Playgirl and put your phone number there. He then talks about secretly filming people giving him blowjobs.... then it gets really weird.... at 4:08 he talks about getting blown by a guy and filming it... WTF?!

8.14.09

Fuck.... its 6 Am in the morning and I have not slept yet. My tooth is throbbing and killing me. I feel like bashing my head through a window or tying a knot to the tooth and connecting it to a doorknob. This is the first toothache I have ever had and boy does it suck a lot.... I'm about to go and find some pliers. My wisdom teeth came in a while ago but I ignored them and no problems arose from them. Then one day the one kind of broke a little and my dentist told me they have to come out... then my coverage was lost and it kind of nixed those plans.... now I'm typing this ready to pull my hair out half delusional. 

UPDATE: Fuck I'm still dying here... it feels like someone is constantly drilling deeper and deeper into my tooth. This is one of the more painful things I felt.

UPDATE: I'm going today to get this shit pulled out. Its a wisdom tooth and its still kind of in my gums so this should be really fun. If I wasn't going I would go grab some pliers and do it myself. I was thinking of cutting myself open to take my mind off it.

Great Quotes

"Bitch be all on me, chewing my nuts like baloney,

Then... quick she licked on my dick like PLOP!,

The nuts skeeted out like thick white snot,

She saw it was still hard and said look what I got,

Then rubbed it, hugged it, and shoved it in her cock"

                                      - Devin the Dude

Dumbest Question I Ever Asked

Fuck.... I just started watching this show I recorded on "The National Geographic Channel" or as the cool kids call it... "Nat Geo". When I saw this commercial and saw it was a show called "Draining The Ocean", I damn near creamed my pants. Anyone that knows me knows I LOVE deep sea creatures, and thought of seeing those things without water flopping around on the land gave me a hard on. So when I tuned in and and started watching this geographical shit I damn near threw up in disappointment. Fuck was this shit boring.... it kind of reminded me of this "Oceanography" class I took. After 4 weeks of talking about "platetechtonics" (I am not even going to attempt to spell that right) I finally raised my hand and asked, "When we were going to talk about fish and stuff?" And when I was told that this was the wrong class I replied... "This is not what I what I thought I was signing up for."

Which brings me to the title of this post... "The Dumbest Question I Ever Asked". One class we were talking about how the moon effects waves and shit and the lunar effect. I then raised my hand and asked... "How were the tides effected in prehistoric times when we had three moons?" The teacher looked at me dumbfounded holding in laughter. You might be thinking what to yourself what the hell was I on.... See when i was a kid I would see this show like "Land of the Lost" or "The Land Forgotten" or some shit. For some reason in the show the earth had three moons in the sky. I never thought this element of the show was fiction and really thought in prehistoric times if you looked in the sky you could see 3 "moons" or planets. After I asked this question the teacher required me to take a drug test... not really but I do have a story about that form high school.  Man... fuck that Oceanography class.

Phoenix

Phoenix is quickly growing into one of my favorite bands. Their newest album "Wolfgang Amadeus" is nothing short of a masterpiece, and this rock/electronica hybrid can make anyone feel good with their sounds. The only thing negative about them is that their from France.....EWWWW. I only eat "Freedom Fries".

The Orphanage

I just saw an amazing film from Spain called "The Orphanage". It is what you wall call a "thriller" but it is not to be confused with the garbage like "The Ring" and "The Mirrors" and all those other American bastardizations. Watching foreign films lately it has really dawned on me that American cinema is very weak compared to the rest of the world right now. Our films are not innovative and are a lot more toned down then are foreign counterparts. These American films are "dumbed" down and made more family friendly. I really think having a Republican as president for 8 years can really attribute to this.

This film plants so many things in the first half that pay off HUGELY in the end. Unlike most American films these plants are not painfully obvious and this film does not feel its audience has the brain the size of a piss ant. I strongly recommend this film to anyone that truly appreciates great art. It is produced by Guillermo and feels a lot like "Pans Labryinth". This is a fairy tale for grown ups. However, I feel this is a much better film than Pan's. I think an American remake is scheduled to be made and it will probably be horrible.

Funny News Headlines

Very Controversial Idea

What if?

This could be an idea for a film but it is WAY too controversial. What if God us the bad guy and Lucifer (the devil) is the rebellious pioneer of free will. God is a dictator type who suppresses the free will of humans, simply making them to be his slaves and do his bidding, not questioning why they are there or to use logic. Lucifer was an angel for him and saw the corruption and was the only one to speak out against him. God banished him and set forth in destroying his name. On earth Lucifer encouraged the humans to ask "Why?" and to do things on their own merit. This angered God so much that he sent a great flood killing everyone hoping to "reset" things. The plan worked for a while but Lucifer continued to spread his message and God had to use another plan. God decided to appear on earth himself as someone named "Jesus". The primary goal of this person was to badmouth Lucifer and depict him as an evil monster called "the devil". What if all the teachings that we were led to "worship" are nothing more then propaganda and a smear campaign. 

Lets add a sci-fi twist to this story. God is a being from another superior planet. They travel the universe developing planets with life. This God being however had a huge ego and used the life forms as a way of stroking his ego. His behavior was so egotistical that that the home planet sent the being Lucifer to come regulate. These beings are not physical manifestations but more like spirits. I don't believe this but it is something I was just thinking about. I find it funny that those of us raised on religion are afraid to even bring up such questions and find talk like this sinful, deceitful, and blasphemous. The fact of the matter is that religion is the most powerful force on earth and can rally someone to murder or be used as a means of justifying murder. It is instilled in us before we can even rationalize and used as a way of keeping us in order. Imagine a society without religion? There would be no order. Even if I did find out for certain that religion was a scam, I would not reveal it to the masses. A lot of people need to look to someone for "answers". As a child they turn to their parents. When they get older and wiser then their parents they turn to their "God".

I know a lot of people will not like this article, but I am not telling you to become atheist or stop believing whatever it is you believe in. I'm just saying one should not be afraid to question and analyze things. This goes for all facets of life. Do not walk blindly into the night.

My Standup

My friend is doing a show at a comedy club and he asked me to write him some jokes since he knows I'm a comedic genius. You know what they say... Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

Heres my first joke...

ME: Knock Knock!

AUDIENCE: Whos There?

ME: An antichrist racist devilish scumbag dictator parasite....

AUDIENCE: A "antichrist racist devilish scumbag dictator parasite" who?

ME: ..... Mike Bloomberg

Then I would break into this...

You know who got them filthy mouths? Them animals be a bunch of foul talking motherfuckers! You think I'm just clowning with you right? You think I'm playin'? Look at the nicknames them animals give to each other.... Jack-Ass, Bastard, Bitch, Pussy..... cat. They be some foul talking motherfuckers.

Then we break into this...

You know what always pissed me off... the fucking Ninja Turtles movies... you tellin me that a 6 foot tall teenager fucking turtle thats also a fucking ninja can throw on a trenchcoat and walk through New York City undetected? What kind of shit is that? I can't even walk into the movies to see "Hannah Montana 3-D" in my trench coat without being taken to jail. Of course I had on nothing underneath it but neither do the ninja turtles.

Zombieland Restricted Trailer [HQ] (Red Band)

i am so amped for this film.

8.5.09

"God give us the a snake and God bring for us a marijuana... you fool around play a game too much with the snake a snake bite you.. same for marijuana or coke or whatever..."

- The Iron Sheik

8.5.08

I need to rant here.... I have to go to this alcohol program now. Do I consider myself an alcoholic... Nope. I know people who drink a lot more often then me. I drink once a week, but when I do drink I don't drink to socialize... I drink to get pounded. Drinking and not getting drunk is like jerking off and not blowing your load. I rather drink a soda then 2 beers. '

So heres the deal... I'm going to go sober. I'm going to go straightedge. I'm going to lose my edge and become a square. No more partying. Maybe I will get a lot of tattoos and get into extreme sports.  I need to stop procrastinating. I love procrastinating. Hell... I love most things that end in "ing"... like eating, sleeping, not working. Next stop sobriety!

Party All The Time

http://www.therundown.tv/new-music/aubrey-oday-feat-shanell-party-all-the-time/

Check out that link... Aubrey O'Day... the blonde girl who looks like a pornstar just went and did a remake of the Eddie Murphy classic "Party All The Time" and butchered it. God... Eddie should sue her.

Shuck and Jive

What in the bluest hell is that?

8.4.09

I gotta meet my lawyer before I go deal with these vampires.... these fucking leeches.

Anyway I was thinking about something.... Ricky Williams got thrown out of the NFL for smoking some pot. However... A-Rod, David Ortiz, and Manny Ramirez all got caught for friggin steroids and they all still play in the MLB and A-Rod did not even receive a punishment. What the hell kind of world is this? They were taking a drug to enhance their performance, Ricky was taking a drug to enhance his munchies. In no way was pot helping to increase Ricky's performance. If anything it was actually hurting his performance. This just goes to show how backwards this counrty is.

Louis CK #2

One more... really good.

Louis CK

Louis CK is an awesome stand up comedian. One of the best I heard... right up there with Zach Galifnaskis, Paul Mooney, and Bernie Mac. The show on HBO "Lucky Louie" was also pretty awesome, its a shame they didn't let it go longer and gain a following. You know who else is a pretty awesome comedian which may surprise you.... Ray Romano. I was watching him today and I actually "LOL"ed. I dont laugh anymore, I just scream out "LOL". I scream it while pulling my eyes squinty like an Asian.... no reason really. i just realized I used the word "awesome" like 8 fucking times in this post.

The Hangover

"The Hangover" is probably one of the sloppiest written films I've seen in a long time. It is enjoyable yes, but I credit the success of this film solely on the actors... I bet if you read the script it is utter garbage. Everything Zach Galifankis says was probably written by him or ad-libbed.. anyone who saw his stand-up would probably agree. Things happen in this film that don't affect anything else. Yeah they have Mike Tysons tiger and they go return it to him. He shows them the video surveillance, but what do we learn from it? That they were drunk? The plot is progressed in no way. Also too many characters just change their whole personalities on a whim. The one guy ia uptight and marries a stripper. He hardly talks to her at all in their scene together and then later on during the "Rain Man" mockery they are buddy buddy and "fall in love". Where did this character transition come from? Why in one scene is Tyson punching them and then in the next they are buddy buddy? Same with the Asian guy. Why does Mike Epps even appear to in this film? Its a shame because the whole first act is amazing. As soon as they take that shot on the rooftop the film really goes to shit. Well not too much shit... it is a decent film but it could have really been a classic. This film is a lot like "Dude Wheres My Car?" It is a slightly toned down version of that film... more realistic and vulgar. And how many scenes end with a character mentioning the name of a song and then the song blares as we go to the transition.  And the Tyson cameo would have been amazing if they did not spoil it in the trailers.

Baldy the Raccoon!!!

Wow... I used to think Raccoons were kind of cute until this. This bald raccoon just exposed it for the rat bastard that it truly is. Damn that thing is ugly.

Face it.... Not Guilty

The police said I was drinking and driving. This is completely false.... I was not drinking and driving.... I drank and then I drove... how dumb do they think I am? Who the hell would drink while driving? I felt like I was involved in the newest "Police Academy" film.

I kept thinking of this one rap lyric from Biggie Smalls the whole time while in court. Its from the song "Hyptonize": 

"At my arraignment, note for the plaintiff

Your daughter's tied up in a Brooklyn basement
Face it, not guilty, that's how I stay filthy."

I want you to really try to visualize that scenario. Picture Biggie sitting in court and then casually slipping a little note to the plaintiff. The plaintiff opens it and crudely scribbled on it are the words; "Your daughters tied up in a Brooklyn basement." His mouth drops open to a gasp, as he looks over at Biggie who calmly stares straight ahead. The next thing you know.... "Not Guilty!" Biggie gets off once again!