GREATEST THING EVER!!!!!!1!!1!!!!!!

Ok this is from the New York Post and is the single greatest thing I will ever post on this blog. I swear to God this is too good and random to be made up. This is how you can tell if something is the truth... if it is so outrageous that no rational mind could possibly conceive it, then it most likely is not fiction. The truth is often a lot stranger then fiction. So without further ado... drum roll please...

A-Rod -- half man, half horse's behind. The Yankees slugger is reportedly such an egomaniac that he placed paintings of himself depicted as a centaur -- a mythical creature who is half-man, half-horse -- over his bed, an ex-girlfriend said. "He was so vain," the unidentified A-Rod lover told Us Weekly. "He had not one but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur."

New York Post

My god... read it again. Let it sulk in for a second. A-Fraud has a painting above his bed of himself as a FUCKING CENTAUR! That is lunacy. Can you imagine being a painter and A-Roid comes to you and says, "I want a portrait brother.... up here all man... bottom half.... horse. Fucking horse man." And then when you can't think this story can get any better there's that last little line.... He has TWO fucking centaur paintings. He enjoyed the first one so much he felt he should have another. My god I cant fathom the awesomeness of this... my head is about to explode.

RAndom Ramblins

Look at the picture... Fucking look at it! Look at it you fucking whore! Oh so now your crying again... WAH WAH WAH! Fucking cry bitch! Cry Bitch! Oh your daddy's going to do what? Fuck him too... I will literally cripple him... make him spend the rest of his life asking which restaurants have a ramp. 

Oh hey... its you guys. Look at that cool picture I posted up above. That is real. Someone really painted that on the street and probably caused thousands of accidents. If I was driving down the road high or drunk (not that I drink and drive anymore) I would most certainly think some earthquake shit was happening as swerve off into the nearest telephone pole or child. How long did that shit take and why does it not get more recognition. That shit is nearly as good as the sixteenth chapel, but I guess just because Michelangelo was a ninja turtle his work got all the fame. BULLSHIT!

I saw this Tracy Morgan quote from 30 Rock... "Diabetes are the white mans myth... like Larry Bird and Colorado."  That should be a quote of the week.

Theres an article in the newest GQ on Zach Galifnakis that actually had me laughing out loud like 6 times. He is a comedic genius like few on this planet and in between all the bullshit mens fashion are some amazingly written articles in GQ.

Worst mistake of my life... I saw an ad on the internet that said I won a free iPhone and for some reason this ad seemed different from the rest. I really thought I actually got lucky and won the damn thing. So I filled out this shit and gave them my e-mail address and house number... Was I smoking fucking crack?! What followed were thousands of spam mail and hundreds of phone calls. It took about a month and years of therapy to go away. Sometimes the phone would ring and I would answer and it would be nothing but animal noises... LOUD animal noises. I dont know what they were selling... but I bought it.

Corbett

Just ordered a Jim Corbett book. Fascinating guy.... He would hunt wild man eating leopards in India and killed one that killed like over 30 people. Im going to start reading all his works and doing the research on him and develop a screenplay based on him. I wanna make a dramadey based on a man eating leopard hunter. For some reason I keep envisioning the final film looking like a Wes Andersen film mixed with that beer commercial of the bad ass old guy thats all suave. Another pain in the ass is I feel this story should be set in the 1940s or 50s. I didnt learn my lesson after writing a script set in 77 and getting stuck doing all language and culture research.

Ron Artest - Afghan Women

What in the bluest of blue hells is this? Has Ron Artest lost his god damn mind? The video starts at 1 minute.

Great Quotes

"Chump nigga, I'll stomp a mudhole in your face....Motherfucker! Rip your butthole out of place!"

- DMX

10.29.09

-Whenever I'm having a bad day I just look down at that picture titled, "The Milf Speaks!"

- Steve Irwin and Billy Mays are the 2Pacs of television. Why are they still on TV? Who doesn't get creeped out when they hear "Billy Mays here!" Does anyone even pay attention to the product and not stare in awe at the ghost in front of them. Steve Irwin is still on television too with re-runs of the "Crocodile Hunter".

- Is it sad people were proud of themselves for "graduating" drunk driving school?

- Five Guys burgers is good no doubt... but no where near worth the price. That shit is expensive! Two little cheeseburgers and french fries came out to 15 bucks... Granted it was a decent amount of food but 15 friggin dollars?!

The Milf Speaks!

Check out these funny TV News headlines

Random Ramblins

-This might be the most bizarre thing I have ever seen on the Internet... and that is saying something... Here is the link: http://www.thisman.org/history.htm

...So apparently Dr.Katz comes into a lot of peoples dreams and offers advice. I have never dreamt of this fucking guy... I rather dream about Freddy fucking Kreuger then this creepy son of a bitch.

- I remember when I played on a bowling team when I was a pre-teen called "The Bowlar Bears". One week I came into the alley and found out we were playing the "Blind" team. How in the hell?! How the hell are blind people going to friggin bowl? This is going to be hazardous, are they going to be throwing balls all over the damn alley, sliding down the lane while holding the ball like Goofy in a cartoon? To my disappointment "blind" team simply meant a team that wasn't there... point of this is this.... Wait... what the fuck is the point of this? Oh yeah I remember.... The Jets are playing the Buffalo Bills this Sunday and I'm going to the game. The Jets have a better chance of losing to the West Virginia Cripples.

- Captain Lou Albano just died. He was one of wrestlings greatest managers, father of Cyndi Lauper, and Super F'N Mario. That is quite a resume. I'm not sure what he was a "Captain" of, but I can assure you it wasn't something lame like "Crunch".

- I just saw "Unforgiven" for the first time and It blew me away. Clint Eastwood was pretty bad ass before he turned into a skeleton who coached that horsefaced lesbian. Speaking of horsefaces I rather pour acid on my dick then screw Sarah Jessica Parker.

- Two new movies I'm dying to see right now... "Where the Wild Things Are" and "Black Dynamite".

- Get your DVR's ready. Tomorrow on Oprah its a very special LIVE episode and it will feature Mike Tyson and Holyfield meeting face to face for the first time since the infamous bear biting incident.

KNOWLEDGE

Sitting in a class they should call Boring 101....Ha Ha! Got em! Bout to hand in a mid term paper I wrote while under the influence of drugs. It reads like it was written by the schizophrenic homeless guy in the subway. It has nothing to do with the subject assigned is a profanity laced rant about government conspiracies and Harry Potter. I feel kind of bad to hand this written insanity to the professor, who is a sweet 90 year old lady. I can picture her head exploding like in "Scanners" midway thru reading it. Fuck... I haven't even dared to read it myself. All I remeber is writing it in a frenzied hypnotic state where my eyes were actually just two "X"s. The best part is the paper is simply titled, "KNOWLEDGE".

HBO sucks

What the hell is going on with HBO? Has it officially become the "Hipster Broadcasting Office". Has anyone seen the uber pretentious "Bored To Death" with the extremely unlikable Jason Schwartzman? Well it only gets worse from there... They are working on a new comedy series being written and starring mini Jeanine Gerraffolo from the "movie" Juno. Here is the description of it...

The latest comedy series announced by HBO is "Stitch N' Bitch", a show about two New York hipsters who travel out to Los Angeles to "be artists".

Ohhh... sounds fucking great. Who want to watch New York hipsters on T.V?. I'm from New York and I don't want to watch those assholes.

Speaking of things that don't suck... I just watched a great film from the 70's called "The Last Detail" starring Nicholson. It makes me sick to see how much better art was in this society in the 70's. A film like this would NEVER been greenlit by the studios today. It doesn't have much in the form of twists and turns or a big climatic ending, but it has much more of a emotional impact then 90 percent of films out there today.

Inebriated

My new favorite word is inebriated.  How much cooler is it to say, "Man... I was inebriated!" as opposed to "Man.. I was drunk!" or "Man... I was fucked up!" By using the word inebriated you are letting people know that you like to party, but that you are also a intellectual. 

Heres hoping that the Yankees get swept by the hottest team in baseball... the Twins.

Random Ramblins

-How come you can ask someone what nationality they are and they will respond, "Jewish". I don't respond "Buddhist" when asked that question. 

-What the hell is the difference between being a Catholic and a Christian?

-When a girl asks for help banging a vending machine because her "Cooler Ranch Doritos" got stuck.. and I.. umm I mean someone shoulder thrusts that thing like I'm trying out for the Ravens O-Line... shouldn't that person at least be offered half the chips or the extra Hershey's bar that fell?

- How good are Gushers? On Halloween I fill the insides with the blood of an HIV positive person and give it to the kids. I'm kidding..... I use needles in the apples of course.

- I bet you about 40 percent of people in this country think you can get AIDS from the bite of a mosquito... as long as that mosquito previously just bit someone with AIDS.

- Today I honestly saw 5 different spiders in the house. Its like arachnophobia in this mother fucker. I of course don't kill them, because it is bad luck and they destroy the "bad" insects. As long as they don't crawl in my ear to live and nest or bite my cheek and then a thousand babies come burst out... we can share this house, and be inter-species roommates.

- If you want to read my best work on this site go to the sidebar and click on the tab that says "STORY". That is were you can experience my true genius... not this 3 in the morning ramblin BULLSHIT!

- I hate people who type in all caps. They have never questioned it and never once bothered to see what the caps lock button does. When I'm reading a convo and I see caps I automatically assume the person is yelling at the top of their lungs. It's just like when you see, "lol", you visualize the person laughing. Most of the time when I type "lol" Im dressed in womens clothing, pumps, clown face paint, and crying uncontrollable. 

- Everyone is so excited for the day to come when we can talk to each other and actually see each other... video confrence a la Jetsons. Why do you want this? You really need to see my unshaven ass laying on the couch in boxers fiddling with my balls. Is this what you really want? Am I going to have to start getting dressed and doing my hair to talk to someone on the fucking phone?! Think about this.. you really don't want this technology.

- If I hear someone say the word "tweet" again I am going to knock out their fucking teeth and force them to perform fellatio on my erect penis.

- Far too often I think my cell phone is broken because I am not hearing a dial tone... this is not even a joke.

- Go to just about anyones facebook page and look at their albums. Look at how much free advertising alcohol companies are getting in damn near every picture. Those marketing wizards have us so warped into believing that a beer in hand equals fun. Its funny you dont see pics of people doing lines or popping pills or with a needle hanging out of their arm.

- How come cigarettes are treated as a much bigger threat to society then alcohol. When was the last time a cigarette has caused someone to have a violent outburst and when was the last time a cigarette has killed an innocent person. (and dont give me that secondhand smoke bullshit)

- I love when you have former gang members talking to kids  trying to prevent them from joining gangs. As soon as they start talking about all the crazy shit they used to do their eyes come alive. It reminded me of this guy that was in one of my cells one time; "I havent smoked crack in 3 years, but if I had it right now... I would smoke it. But don't do that shit it fucks you up."

- A dude in his 20's walked into class yesterday wearing a Chris Brown hoodie. Why? Why would you buy that in the first place. Then why would you wear it after the whole Rhianna mess? Or maybe this guy is a real jokester and bought it after the fact and showing his support of domestic abuse.

WHAT THE SHIT?! LOL

Quote of the Week

"Not EVEN Freddy Kreuger comes into MY Nightmares!"

 - Roddy Piper 

Treadmills = Danger

My new favorite thing mite be watching people fall on treadmills. Who thought they were so dangerous? And who really runs at the top speed? Why is the top speed so damn fast? Can you imagine someone at the gym running on the treadmill at top speed besides myself?

Treadmill Gangsta Video

When the title of a video is called "Treadmill Gangsta Video" how can it not be good. I dont care if this is staged or not, to see the guys legs go scrambling like Fred Flintstone running away from a T-Rex is hilarious.

Atheists

Atheists piss me off. The only reason people are Atheist is because they feel it makes them seem more intelligent and rebellious. Its kind of like smoking and not inhaling. What is the point of being Atheist? Wouldn't you want to go to heaven, the after-life, get re-incarnated or whatever? Why are you so stuck on nothing. An atheist is someone who never gets their drivers license because they know they will just get in a fatal car accident. An atheist is afraid. I don't give a damn what you believe in, just believe in something. I don't feel any one religion is truly correct but I bet there is a higher being. You can believe in evolution and believe in a higher being.

McDonalds

Why the fuck does McDonalds breakfast end at 10:30? Who the hell is eating Chicken Nuggets at 10:30 in the morning? If you are eating nuggets that early then you seriously have a problem. The only people craving a Big Mac at that time are obviously on drugs. These are not people with reasonable rationale and their actions should not punish the rest of us.

no comment

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Life sized Jason

Check it out brothers.. for $200 bucks you could get this life sized Jason Vorhees that is about 6 to 7 feet and it moves.. and the mask comes off too! If you have this in your window who would dare come try to rob your house. Kids would be terrified and your house would become the house of legend and many a nightmare.

Man vs. Cow

So this guy got charged with animal cruelty for sticking his dick in the mouth of some cows. He was a *shock*  cop   *shock* Who wouldve ever guessed a cop for being crazy?! Anyway here the best part, which is from the news report...

"If the cow had the cognitive ability to form thought and speak, would it say, 'Where's the milk? I'm not getting any milk,' " Judge James J. Morley asked.

Lol. Who is this judge and why does he not have his own show on television. If the cow could speak I think it would say, "Why is this assholes shoving his cock in my mouth?" not "Where is the milk? I'm not getting any milk". I can picture it saying that in a british accent while wearing a monocle and smoking a long cigarette... "This device does not seem to be producing the milk... I wonder why that is?"

To read the rest of the article copy and paste this bad boy...

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/homepage/20090924_Animal-cruelty_charges_dropped_against_Burlington_County_cop.html

Man vs. Bee

Holy shit... watch until the end... one bee sting damn near disfigure s Bear Grylls on Man vs. Wild.

Ramblins

That was a web comic that started an internet sensation. Its pretty genius. If sharks could talk I bet they would say lewd things like that. In fact I bet most animals have mouths like sailors. I hope when I die that saying, "mouth like a sailor" dies too, and is replaced by "mouth like a Michael Johnston.

I'm watching this documentary called "Confessions of a Superhero" and it follows the lives of the "characters" on the Hollywood Boulevard. This lamer dressed as Superman really thinks posing for pictures on the sidewalk is going to land him a movie role... What an idiot... then again I'm watching a movie starring him right now. I took a picture with a skinny black guy dressed as Yoda and a mexican midget dressed as Chucky from "Childs Play" when I was in LA.

This Superman is not even in good shape... the costume is big and hangs off his frail body. If your going to pose as Superman every day at least go to the gym. And I swear to God the Marilyn Monroe woman is hideous... she looks like shes been on a diet of cigarette butts for the last 4 years... I would pay her just to get fucken lost.

Gaynimals

"I love when you kiss my penis like the French!"

"Hey There.."

Penis Nugget

You can bid on this penis shaped McNugget on ebay right here.... 

http://cgi.ebay.com/Bizarre-and-unusual-penis-shaped-chicken-nugget_W0QQitemZ260480387917QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item3ca5d74b4d&_trksid=p4999.c0.m14

OMG WTF LOL

Oh my God! That is a test shot from a costume trying when Nic Cage was scheduled to play Superman. It also might be one of the GAYEST pictures I have ever seen in my life. Imagine if this would have become an reality? This is the stuff of nightmares right there. He looks more like Bizarro Superman... and why is he wearing a spandex costume. Jeez... how could someone honestly tell him that looks good while keeping a straight face.

My Favorite Rap albums

2Pac - All Eyez on Me

Jay-Z - American Gangster

Eminem - The Eminem Show

Outkast - Aquemini

Biggie - Life After Death

Kanye West - Graduation

DMX - Its Dark and Hell is Hot

Mos Def - The New Danger

Bone Thugz - The Art of War

(no order)

Jay-Z - Blueprint 3

Eminem "The Relapse" is one of the best rap albums I have ever heard. It might actually be my favorite Eminem album. Jay-Z "The Blueprint 3" is one of my least favorite Jay-Z albums ever and exposes everything I had about the "new" Jay-Z. I heard some people who love Blueprint 3 and hated Relapse say they dont like Relapse because Eminem is rapping about the same old stuff. What?! Have you even listened to the album? Half of the songs are very personal about with his battles with addiction while the others are written in the first person perspective of a serial killer, while others are just the most off the wall crazy. Every song on Blueprint 3 is about how Jay-Z is ahead of the game and how everyone follows him and how hes so rich and loves his lifestyle. The reason why I will never consider Jay-Z on the same level as Biggie, 2Pac, and Eminem is because his songs are not personal at all. In Biggie and Pac you could feel the pain and anger they had in their hearts. You also got a sense of the paranoia of Pac. Eminems albums are like a autobiography. What does Jay rap about? Jay has never even admitted to being married to Beyonce on his records. He raps whatever style is popular at the time. When Biggie was on top Jay copied Big's style, now he copies Kanye West's style. Look at the people featured on Blueprint 3.... Mr Hudson, Kid Cudi, Drake... where is Beanie Segel and Memphis Bleek? Jay just latches on to whoever is hot at the moment. He's a leech. its a shame because "American Gangster" is a classic album, but this Blueprint 3 shit goes in the garbage bin with "Kingdom Come". Its a shame because I used to really like Jay-Z... the worst thing that ever happened to Jay-Z was Kanye West.

NFL Week 2

                             The future of the Jets... wearing a shirt that says "Ambiguous"

So week 2 is just about done and things in the NFL are going as expected. I've been pretty accurate with my picks as of late and have been winning all my bets. Mucho Dinero. Very few teams are horrible (Browns, Rams) and everyone seems like they can put up a fight. The biggest surprise for me is the 2-0 49ers... Singeltery has that team really working. The Titans are 0-2 which is no surprise as I felt that they and the Dolphins would be facing a big drop off this season.

- The Jets look real good. Sanchez looks like a lock for rookie of the year and I see no reason why the Jets can't win their division... a division that is VERY overrated. The Dolphins had some gimmicks last season that got them to the playoffs, but coordinators have probably figured it out by now. The Patriots had a fire sale and have a bad defense and lost their offensive coordinator. ... getting Brady back is not going to solve all these problems. The Bills aren't as bad as I thought and might actually wind up second in the division. They should be 2-0 right now and they still don't have Marshawn Lynch back.

-Texans are still a playoff team.

- The Giants barely won against the Cowboys but in reality they should of killed them. The running game needs to pick up and the red zone offense MUST improve. maybe now people are finally starting to see that Romo is not a franchise quarterback. The Boys have a lot of problems and Wade Phillips needs to go.

- Do the Jaguars have any wide receivers on their team? If so name one and I'll give you a prize.

- I love the Falcons. They are a fun fun team you just want to watch... like the Saints. They are basically the opposite of the Broncos (one of the most boring teams in the world)

- I'm not giving up on the Packers but they have a problem with their O-Line. Rodgers is getting hit way too much... they are a good O-Line away from a strong playoff run.

- The Raiders would be a good team if they had an actual QB. The team plays hard but JaMarcus Russell is incompetent. He goes like 4 for 30 every game and gets 100 yards total passing offense. Why did they release Jeff Garcia?

- The Browns are HORRIBLE. Eric Mangini is a scam, a hack, a liar, and a cheat. That little Bellichick clone should not have a job in the NFL.

- The Ravens are really good and I would not be surprised to see them win it all this year. I know I picked the Packers before the season started , but right now I would pick the Ravens. They have always been a defensive team but now they are a offensive team too.

Tonsils Day 3

Okay day 2 was a joke. I ate macaroni and cheese, huge chocolate milk, mashed potatoes, pudding.... I couldve even took down a bone, a fucking bone man!... I felt so good I was going to make a surprise appearance at my friends one day after surgery and raise some hell. Well today them shits are hurting pretty bad... maybe because I was talking too much yesterday. I think today they might start to scab... Looking back on some of my prior injuries and what not, I've decided to rank them in terms of pain...

1. Third Degree Burn - NOTHING compares to getting burnt. When I was like 5 I tried to walk across hot coals... needless to say its not like television... you actually get burnt.. who would've thunk it?

2. Panic Attack - While not physical, nothing is worse then feeling like you are literally losing your mind. This might be the scariest because everything else can be rationalized... you can always calm yourself down.. with a panic attack its damn near impossible because your mind is CRAZY!

3. Tonsils Day 1 - Projectile vomiting blood all over the room... unable to even swallow water... so exhausted from not eating you feel you might pass out... having a fever and a migraine.. having convulsions... Not too good.

4. Kidney Stones - So I wake up Sunday morning and run to the television (Sunday during the NFL season is a lot like Christmas to me but instead of running to the tree its the television) and I can't wait to watch my Giants. One problem. I feel one of the worst pains in my chest I have ever felt. Am I having a heart attack? "Dad I think I should go to the hospital." DAD: "Don't be stupid, you have a stomach ache." I am basically slithering off the couch when he finally decides to drive me there... and lo and behold it was a kidney stone shiffting around my belly (which was attributed to that demon called Muscle Milk... oh but its oh so good). As far as actually pissing the stone out of my dick, I have no recollection of it, due mainly in part to a combo of wine and painkillers.

5. Dislocated Shoulder - Now a days when it pops up I casually just pop it back in while still holding a conversation. When It first occurred however it hurt like a beyotch.. It kind of felt like someone sticking a knife into my shoulder and twisting it around.

6. Tooth Ache - Just a constant throbbing pain that actually had me punching walls in my house and running around shaking things like the Ultimate Warrior.

7. Wisdom Tooth Removal - What a joke. This is not very painful at all. As soon as I got home from the doctor I was chewing on pieces of iron... why? Because I fucking could!

8. Jon and Kate plus Eight - I watched half a episode the other day... it hurt my soul

Tonsils Day 1

Welcome to hell on earth... one of the worst nights of my life. I projected bloody vomit twice... one was a combo of chicken noodle soup and blood which i barely made into the blood. I also had a fever, the shakes, and at one point slight convulsions. I was convinced at this point that due to lack of eating and blood loss I was going to faint. That was day 1... today is a new day of "The Exorcist 4: The Devil comes to Queens"

If someone asks me what getting your tonsils out when your older is like then I will encourage them to watch "Trainspotting". I was ready to climb up the wall at one point last night.

I know some people (like my myself before) are asking how this is not awesome.. you sit at home eating ice cream, watching movies, and eating loads of vics. Number one you dont eat ice cream you eat sherbet, and every single thing you eat tastes wet cardboard. Second off your so fucked up you cant pay attention to no movie, and the vics just allow you to feel somewhat normal.

Now for the REALLY bad news... the effect the lost of the tonsils will have on my future. My voice has gone up a couple of octives so I sound like Michael Jackson now. Also, without the tonsils it is physically  impossible for me to pronounce the word "cunt". And worst of all I can no longer French kiss.... only American Kiss.

hell

 god it gets worse and worse i feel like im dantes inferno going thru the different levels. I cant eat... can barely drink and just before had the most painful hiccups of my life. Now I feel like I am going to throw up and i have a migraine plus a fever and chills. This really is as bad as advertised

Tonsils

Just got home from tonsil surgery... I can not swallow or talk but I am alive.

Fantasy Logo

They've added a feature where you can create your own Fantasy Football team logo.... this is mine...  I think I might get that tattooed on me.

RIP Patrick Swayze

Rest in Peace Patrick Swayze... You were a good man and Ghost is awesome and Dirty Dancing is pretty good with great music no homo. You got the cancer and didn't let it stop you as you kept on working on the television show "The Beast" and fought it for as long as you possibly could. I dont know how anyone can bash Swayze or really dislike him... he seemed like a genuine good guy.

Kanye West FAIL

Ok so Kanye did that.... First off Kanye is a gay fish and South Park murdered him... this chick shouldve of just told him to go eat some fish sticks. 

This moment reminded me of another moment that was damn near identical but a million times more awesome...

lets look at the differences and why one is awesome and one is not... first off ODB interrupts an award totally un-related to what he is talking about and he is at the Grammys

not some shitty MTV show. ODB is also expressing his concern over the fact that he went and spent all his money on a nice suit

Kanye West is representing Beyonce... ODB is representing the Wu-Tang fucking Clan! Beyonce is not for the children but Wu-Tang is for the children.

Fantasy

I was just thinking about trading cards and how they have died. I remember collecting basketball cards like a fiend and trading them and reading the stats... thats when it occurred to me... fantasy sports have killed the sporting card industry. In fantasy sports you do basically all the same things.... trade players, look at stats, and hope for the occasional insert (or monster game in fantasy). In the end your ultimate goal of this "hobby" is to make some money.

Tonsils and Death

So I'm getting my tonsils taken out in like 4 days or so and I have no idea what to expect. Today I went and gave blood and they handed me a will to fill out. I am not even joking. Am I going to die from damn tonsillectomy? Or maybe the anesthesia? Well let it be known then... I want a Viking funeral. Put me a slab of concrete and burn me in front of all m friends and make them watch every second. According to Wikipedia 1 in 25 die of this surgery. I'm not going to lie.... I'm actually excited. I can not wait to be prescribed a plethora of drugs and be forced to lay in bed and play video games and watch movies all day. If anything an overdose will be the death of me.

We will see... I was told right after my wisdom teeth were removed I would feel pain but I was chewing on bricks 20 minutes after. I've heard people claim this was the worst pain they have felt in their lives... you obviously don't know pain then.... try getting a third degree burn. The only thing I can imagine more painful then that is freezing to death (which luckily I have not tried yet). I've been getting pretty lucky lately with these really "painful" things. I had my wisdom teeth out and didn't feel a thing, and before that I pissed out a kidney stone without even realizing it. Maybe this is the bullet I don't dodge.

Speaking of death... would you want to know if you had like 3 months to live? Part of me wouldn't but the other "Bucket List" side of me would want to go do all sorts of crazy shit; like trying to ice skate again or walk around ghettos with Kramer or maybe even see a Staind show.

In my will I have one big request... I want someone to take this idea and turn it into a television pilot.... "A womanizer wealthy entrepreneur has to come to grips that his new multi-million dollar estate is inhabited by a ghost..... the ghost of a gay man!" Think of it like the "Odd Couple" meets well.... "Ghost". Maybe we can cast Charlie Sheen and Clay Aiken... you figure out which one plays which. The sad thing is i bet you this idea would work..... Speaking of ghosts, why am I watching a commercial with Billy Mays pitching me a product right now?

If I die during this operation just know that I am now dancing in heaven with Michael Jackson... considering they let child molesters in heaven... if not Jacko will be dancing alone there.

Artist

I want you guys to check out the website of probably my favorite artist...

http://ofsoundandvision.com/

I think his stuff is amazing and as soon as I save up enough money am going to get a huge print of this picture...

9.11.09

This runner who won a gold medal has been revealed to be a man... or a hermaphrodite... or a woman with testicles stuck in her stomach.... WHAT THE TWEET?! Bottom line is that this is not a woman.... NO SHIT. Ray Charles can see thats a dude and he's blind and dead. Look at it... it scares the hell out of me.

Auto - Tune

Watch this... this app makes me want to buy the iPhone. Holy shit. Anyone can now be a musician... why is T-Pain releasing this? He is going to ruin his career... and why the hell is that dog barking so damn much in the background?

NFL Preview

-Wow... what a picture... one of most disturbing things I have ever seen hands down. So watching the NFL Kickoff right now and watching the Black Eyed Peas perform... are they like the official band of the NFL or some shit. I think they have done every NFL pre game event for like the past 3 years. I'm pretty sure they did the pre-game for the last 3 Super Bowls. Speaking of Big Ben... the women who he raped said she wouldn't press charges if he admitted he raped her.... HA HA HA HA HA! I would love to see that press conference... "Yes I raped that women... now can we move on to the next question?"

-Shawn Merriman choked out Telia Tequila and he is being punished? He should be rewarded if anything. He was trying to do the world a favor. I love how she claims to not have been drinking.. your last name is "Tequila" for christs sake. Thats like showing up for your DWI with a name like "Drunk Idiot".

-I want the Giants to win the Super Bowl this year of course but I am going with the Green Bay Packers to win it all. It would not surprise me to see the Packers vs. Patriots or Packers vs. Steelers in the Super Bowl. 

-The teams I'm looking at making a big drop off are the Titans, Dolphins, and Cardinals. First off the Dolphins won a lot of games because teams were unfamiliar with their wildcat offense. They will need a new gimmick or something to steal some games... and plus Brady is back in their division. I'm still not sold on Collins as a starting QB and will think this year that drunk will finally break down. I dont think the Cardinals were that good last year and went on a lucky run... I bet they dont even make the playoffs this year.

-The Texans will be a playoff team

- the Cowboys are not dead in the water like people assume

- Favre will not make it thru the whole season

- Kyle Orton wont be starter for the Broncos for long... I have a feeling the newly released Jeff Garcia will wind up starting QB for that team

- JaMarcus Russell is your new Vince Young

- The Eagles shot themselves in the foot signing Vick... the first bad game McNabb has you have a QB controversy. Watch Vick wind up starting QB mid way thru the season.

- First game of the season... heres my prediction.... Steelers 24 Titans 13

9.10.09

Ok... "Lakeview Terrace" is pretty awesome and Samuel L. Jackson should have got an Oscar nom. This movie is unintentionally hilarious and entertaining as hell.

Bruno

Wow... Bruno pretty much sucked.. it sucked dick. It had a lot less heart and none of the likability of Borat. It also seemed very staged and went over the top with the gay jokes... to the point were most straight men probably wanted to leave the theatre and hunt down fags. I understand what Sasha Cohen is trying to do, but to most people his movies are just a few laughs at the expense of the jews and the fags. Most people dont get the irony when they sing "throw the jew down the well" and just see it as a way of showing their anti-semitic views without the criticism.  The big difference is that the Borat character is naive and has an innocence to him. He comes off as a genuinely nice guy confused by the racist beliefs of his culture... you root for him. Bruno is not like that. He is a prick. You don't care if the terrorist kills him... his racism is not a product of his culture but rather his own beliefs. What bothered me about Borat was that too many jokes went for shock value. The thing people remember most is the naked fighting. I always found the genius of Cohen to be his interviews and the quick wit he showed in them twisting peoples words and having them buy into his ignorance... this is probably why my favorite character remains Ali G. Bruno basically only goes for the visual shock. It will also make most people homophobic... in closing this movie is fucking gay.

Auto-Tune the News #8

Mets

Have we not faced enough embarrassment? The Mets used to visit kids in the hospital... now kids visit the Mets in the hospital.

Watching one of my favorite shows on television right now on Nat Geo... "Lockdown". In this episode the inmates find out a new prisoner is in there for molester a 3 month old baby. The inmates put a hit out on his life and the C.O. has to watch out for him to make sure he isn't killed. What would you do honestly if you were the C.O.? Would you turn a blind eye for a minute and let the molester get his justice? I would. BTW this show is a reality show no BS here.

Bastardization

This is wrong on so many levels.