The Porn Industry

I was recently asked by a porn website called The Naughty Nation to go and film the porn convention in New Jersey. Why not? I have no desire to direct porn.... never did. I don't really see the glamorous side of this industry. I'm not a big porn fan personally... I did not know one person there besides for Ron Jeremy, and could care less about how long of  a dick these ho's could fit in their mouth.

I loved watching these losers, running about getting pictures and autographs. Who cares about an autograph from a porn star? What are you going to look at it while jerking off? Lets break it down.... Here are a few things that I observed, and some tips for the porn convention.

- Most porn stars have terrible skin. Their faces are acne ridden and filled with pot holes. To hide this fact they wear an EXCESSIVE amount of make up. If I had to guess... porn stars weren't the popular ones in high school and probably didn't party much or see much sex. Then they got to college.... dyed their hair... wore a lot of make-up and started getting fucked for a living. That seems like the majority of them. Some of them are just obscenely hot however and would look out of place doing anything but porn... then their are those who are just sex addicts and freaks. They really know how to work a crowd.

- Ron Jeremy is the Jesus of porn stars. When he walked in, he immediatly drew an immense crowd. Me any my friend snuck our way to the front of the line and actually got a really great plug from him. He's a real cool guy and really knows how to work a room.

- They have dick shaped everything. I thought it was hilarious watching girls sucking penis shaped lollipops. Some where just downright bizaare.... like a teddy bear that for some reason had a giant huge vibrating penis that was constantly thrusting.

- There is a shop called "Schlongs and Bongs".

- If you have a VIP pass you can go to the VIP room... what is in there you ask? A foosball table, a air hockey table and about 6 stripper poles with women who obviously are on the extacy.

- Don't eat hot dogs at the convention. They were god awful and literally made my asshole die. Get the pizza. It might look like the ugliest, most unappetizing thing on the earth, but it is actually quite good.

- Jesse Jane sucks. Not only dicks I mean. Apparently she's one of the bigger porn stars at this time. First off she is an anorexic blonde with silicone hanging off her chest an absolutely NO breasts. She was on stage screeching sounding like the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith. Her voice is honestly one of the worst and most annoying I have ever heard. Honestly.

- Weird looking foreigners really want to watch you fuck their surgically enhanced wife.

- Oh man... "Strip For Pain" is more gruesome then the "Passion of the Christ". Two girls with a lot of tatts, pick a man to punish. The guy is usually fat, bald, and has plenty of backne. It is game... The more punishment they take, the more the girls strip. First up was the whipping. I figured it would just be very tame with light love taps.... WRONG! They were whipped until HUGE bloody welts appeared. That wasn't the end tho. Next up they had to get punched in the face by these chicks as hard as possible, and they didn't even take their rings off. ow.

9.10.08

Some people consider this to be the scariest scene in the history of motion pictures. Its pretty good if I do say so myself. Classic storytelling... nice build up, good pay off. From the Lynch masterpiece Mulholland Drive.

And speaking of Lynch, heres another freaky scene from "Lost Highway". These movies are pretty bizaare, fun to watch alone with no lights on.

MTV VMA's

I caught a little bit of the MTV Music Video Awards. My God.... I remember these shits weren't half bad... MTV always had the best production values this side of the NFL and WWE. As shitty as the performances were going to be, I knew the whole show was going to be over the top and flashy and flamboyant. Their would be larger then life superstars, barely dressed hot starlets, out of control rappers, and rock stars climbing on top of large things. The VMA's are so god dammed neutered it makes me sick. The music industry has absolutely NO unpredictability. Charisma seems to be becoming a lost art form, and even the rappers of today aren't gangsta or controversial. The VMA's used to feel like a place where everyone wanted to be. Does anyone else remember when it was in New York and Chris Rock hosted? That shit was huge. Now a days, it feels like Diddy rather be in Brooklyn eating cheesecake then anywhere near the VMA's. (He wasn't there this year from what I've seen.) The biggest attraction at this show was Britney Spears. Britney fucking Spears. And MTV acted like she was still a huge star and didn't lose her fucking mind and shave her head a couple of months ago. She won like every award.... she should've won the award for "Ugliest Vagina".

Chris Brown and Rhianna are fucking boring. Rhianna is weird looking, with her alien forehead and dyke haircut. Christian Aguilera and Kid Rock weren't bad. MTV and Disney are now basically one with Hannah Montanna running about everywhere and the asshole brothers or whatever the fuck they are called. I have also come to realize I'm not too big a fan of Lil Wayne anymore. He is really starting to get on my nerves, and he is one of the WORST live performers I have ever seen. He runs around the stage looking like a cracked out Gremlin someone fed after midnight. Kanye had an "interesting" performa

nce, debuting a new song that contains no rap what so ever. Its very minnimalistic. I'm a big Kanye fan but this one might have to grow on me a bit.

The host was some douchebag from Britian who does not des

erve to have his name mentioned. He looked like a reject from Spinal Tap and was WAY to excited to see the Asshole Brothers pretend to play instruments. I really feel the VMA's basically made Chris Rocks career, and this shit basically killed this guys career. There is no way someone could watch this guy and not utter the term "motherfucker". I also loved how he had to pretend Britney was still so hot. Did you see the pics of her pussy? That shit was literally bleeding old nacho cheese. Wait... What?

MTV used to be hip and a voice for the youth. It used to be somewhat "edgy", and viewed as cool. No one on this planet would consider MTV cool anymore. Now is the perfect time for a new music channel to emerge that is the anti-MTV. It has to bring back that wildness and embrace less mainstream artists and pay a bigger respect to those artist that paved the way......and I'm not talking about Britney fucking Spears.

Speaking of Miley Cyrus this was apparently a big web hoax. I find it to be funny as hell.... and this girl could really use braces....

9.2.08

I see a bunch of auditions when casting for my films.... this is however, the best I have EVER seen. The story is this guy sent in this audition to Stanley Kubrick..... how he was never cast is beyond me. He is obviously insane... probably homeless, schizophrenic, and gay. He delivers a monologue from "The Outsiders" but appears more like he is impersonating someone with torrets. Stay gold Ponyboy.

Ask Sonic

Dear Sonic,

What's Black and White and Red all over?

From,

Little Timmy

SONIC: Michael Jackson's swollen dick after pounding a little boy in the ass?

8.28.08

Who needs a gym? Look at these fucking guys, they are the most jacked mof'ers I have ever seen. I usually do crunches on top of the bust stop with them, but I wasn't featured in this vid for some reason.

NFL PREVIEW - NFC

THE NFC!

Redskins - Good year for everyones favorite schizophrenic Clinton Portis. I am still not sold on Jason Campbell and feel he is not worthy to be a starter in the NFL. They will be a wildcard team.

Cowboys - This team is going to come out of the gate hard looking unstoppable, but then they will fall due to injuries, but still manage to win the NFC East. This team is the real deal and will make it to the Super Bowl...only to lose to the Chargers.

Eagles - Donovan McNabb is DONE. Not only that, but their is hardly a receiving core here. The whole offense is Westbrook and the way they work him, he is definetly going to wind up hurt.

Giants - Oh man... things are not looking to good here. No more Shockey...Osi is out for the year. They will be a wildcard team, but exit out in the first round. No repeat.

Lions - Mediocrity. No defense, a lame QB. Roy Williams is fizzling out but expect Calvin Johnson to have a Pro Bowl year.

Packers - The Favre less Packers. Don't worry Green Bay fans, Aaron Rodgers is the real deal and this is still a very good team. Some of the best recievers in the NFL. There biggest problem is the RB. Ryan Grant is not the answer and just got hot for a little bit last season. They will be in the playoffs.

Vikings - Peterson is the most exciting player in the NFL and if he doesn't get hurt he will be your MVP. This team is good but they will not go anywhere without a good QB and one big name WR. No playoffs this year... draft a QB.

Bears - Speaking of QB's. This team needs a QB badly, and its once great defense is fading. They are going to finish under 500 and be one of the worst teams in the NFC.

Panthers - This team is done too. Steve Smith is out for the first 2 games, and even his value is nothing special anymore. No playoffs and the last year for Delhomme as a starter.

Saints - This team is really really good. One of the most explosive offenses in the NFL and Shockey is going to have a HUGE year with Bress. They are going to make it to the NFC championship and lose to the Cowboys.

Bucanners - Mediocre team. No more Galloway so that hurts them a lot. Garcia wont be able to reproduce his magic this year and they will fail to make the playoffs.

Falcons - Not going to be as bad as you might think. Michael Turner should do pretty good as a starter, he seems like he can take a hit. He wont blow anyone away with his numbers, but he will be somewhat succesful.

Seahawks - Definetly on a big decline, but getting rid of Alexander was a good move. They will somehow manage to make it in the playoffs again, but lose first round.

Arizona Cardinals - This team is falling apart. Leinart is a fucking joke and Kurt Warner is now the starter. Eddgrin James is done, and Boldin wants the hell out of there. Kurt Warner can win them about 4 to 5 games...but thats all.

Rams - Big season for Stephen Jackson and Bulger returns to form. I except a playoff berth for these guys. They are going to surprise a lot of people.

49'ers - No QB and Gore will probably go out for the season at about week 4. No hope for this team. The worst team in the NFC.

8.21.08

Here are some awesome pics of awesome people being awesome.

8.20.08

Men hallucinate after eating fish

Two men got more than they bargained for when they dined on a popular local seafish in Mediterranean restaurants in 2006. The men suffered from "terrifying" visual and auditory hallucinations - seeing and hearing things that weren't really there - after eating the Salema porgy, Sarpa salpa.

The fish had been eating algae containing an indole toxin with similar effects to the recreational drugs LSD (lysergic acid diethylamide) and DMT (dimethyltryptamine) which left the men suffering from a rare case of Hallucinogenic Fish Poisoning or ichthyallyeinotoxism.

Apparently, Sarpa salpa is known to be affected by this algae and was once known as the Dream fish and was even used as a recreational drug in Roman times. The men "tripped" for 36 hours after eating the fish, suffering from various hallucinations and nightmares in the days that followed...

Speak like MJ

I have developed my own language. It is a mixture of broken english and New Owleans jive talk. I have also developed many new word and sayings. I thought I would give you some info on a few so you too can incorporate them into your every day life.

Lameitory - A play on the word dormitory, but this is a house of lame... the residence of lame, where lame lives and resides.

Example: "I thought this was going to be a sick party, but this place is a Lameitory."

Beatrice - A Beatrice is someone who gets on your nerves. It can be either male or female.

Example: "Why are you chilling with that Beatrice?"

Gay Le Douche - A character on the show MXC. It replaces someone's name but is not negative, its a sign of affection.

Example: "Whats up Gay Le Douche?"

"What Are You Prude?" - The response when someone declines a homosexual act.

"This N*gga Ain't Prude" - The response when someone does a homosexual act.

Sunt - The "c" is silent... the ultimate insult.

Douche - I have dropped the word "bag" from the word and say this quite often.

Whoo-aww - The proper way to say whore. It must be overly Italian and delivered like Paulie Walnuts from the Sopranos.

"Worse then a Michael Jackson." - An insult delivered by the Iron Sheik. 

Ellen Degenrate - Someone who is disrespectful.

Example: "Your acting like a real Ellen Degenerate."

Stunt 101 - A fictional college course on flossin and showing off.

Example: Look at this guy driving like he's in Stunt 101.

"He's a fuckin' coward." - The response when someone refuses to do something you ask of them.

Shook Ones Part 2 - When you are afraid... named after the Mob Deep song.

Example: "I went to the haunted house and I was a Shook Ones Part 2.

Balls - A negative way to describe something. Taken from my grandpa.

Example: "This place is balls."

Ascared - The way my grandpa says scared. "I was ascared."

The Scream Machine - a nickname for my penis.

Wimbeldon - A very big event.

Example: "Lets take them to Wimbeldon".

"Its Shark Week on Discovery Channel."- I often refer to myself as a shark, and this means I'm about to feed on whoever is bleeding in the water.

Muckracker - you dont want to be called one of these... also see Fudrucker.

Dont worry... there are a lot more, and I will have an updated list in do time.

8.19.08

Wow....this is awesome...amazing animation.

Man...video games are not for kids anymore at ALL. The only system that is like the systems I grew up with is Nintendo Wii. I remember when I saw someone say "Hell" in a video game and I couldn't believe it. On PS3 and XBOX 360.... every other word is "Fuck". Every game involves a gun or some weapon of some kind and has more blood then an Evil Dead movie. Games are made for late teenagers and people in their early twenties now. Its really odd...even in commercials you see teens playing games, not children. What the hell do kids do now a days? Listen to Hannah Montana?

Ask Sonic

The newest edition of Sonics mailbag. Feel free to send in a question and we will have Sonic answer it in between his court dates.

Dear Sonic,

What do you think of the Olympics?

Jessica

California

SONIC: Fuck the Olympics... I take that back. They got some young shortys doing gymnasiums with thighs like a fucking race horse. A n*gga like me could break his dick off inside that sweet cooch brown all day. I'd eat the corn out they ass...cause a n*gga fuck like he got hydrolics....fuck like a rabbit. I be hittin' switches on bitches fo' sho. And they be young too... like 15. Ho's aint like wine... they don't get better with age. HA HA HA HA!

8.15.08

Something funny I just noticed.... The cable company screwed up or something, so they offered me a month free of Starz! Now this channel is pretty bad ass with a lot of new good movies. However, I find myself not watching it.... or better yet, not allowing myself to watch it. I don't want to be spoiled by it and enjoy it, and then have it taken from me in a months time. Thanks but no thanks Time Warner Cable. This is probably the same reason I have never had a pet besides for a hermit crab.

I feel I definetly get this mentality from my grandpa. He is old school to the core....a self made man by way of his hands. I was working construction for him last summer. I'm working like a dog out in one thousand degree weather, sweating like a Patrick Ewing Game 7 of the Finals. So he comes to pick me up in his car to go to lunch during my break. I get in the car expecting some nice cold air condition, and lo and behold, its actually hotter then outside. I go to turn on the AC and he stops me. "What the hell?" He then explains to me that if i get too comfortable now, it will make me want to work less, and it will make the work that much harder. I didn't question this at all, and totally got it. I implement this in my life now a days. My gramps always used to say to me too, "You hand out with a cripple, you'll start to limp." Thats why I never hang out with cripples.

Kanye West - Champion

8.13.08

Shit. I just kind of figured out this whole "religion" thing. Mount Sinai where Moses "found" the commandments....guess what grew around that area. Yup. Psychedelic mushrooms. See, now doesn't it make a lot sense? They were all tripping balls....no wonder they saw burning bushes and shit.

HA HA HA HA!

So I was watching this ass clown the other night and my dad walks in. He looks at the screen and says, "I really want to watch this asshole mess up and die." Thats how everyone feels about Criss Angel. Well we got something pretty cool the other night....this is assuming this is real. Criss Angel tries to catch a nail from a nail gun and it goes horribly wrong and goes right through his hand. I wish it wouldve went right through his fucking forehead. I would never wish death on someone or tell someone to kill anybody....but what if someone would just make this asshole disappear? You would be doing the world a favor.

8.12.08

Im watching the Packer pre-season game right now am I'm liking what I'm seeing from Aaron Rodgers. Now... I do like Favre a lot, and think he still has some in his tank...but I feel the Packers did the RIGHT thing. Favre was becoming too much of a distraction and you have planned your future with Rodgers...one man does not come before a team. I lost a lot of respect for Favre in this off season and have grown to like Aaron Rodgers a lot more, and find myself rooting for him. The Packers are a good team. The Favre-less Packers will be a better team then the Favre Jets. What people need to realize is the Packers have sick wide receivers in Driver and Jennings....Jets...not so much. Have the Jets gotten better? Yes of course. Are they a playoff team....Eh. A playoff team? Probably not.... but they have gotten a LOT more interesting. Will Favre be the savior of the Jets? No. He will not have numbers like last year, but he should be a decent QB.

BTW: The Bengals look like a disaster... worst team in the league type disaster.

8.11.08

If you dont know about "Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia", I feel bad for you. It is, for my money, the funniest show on television... and the new season is right around the corner. They recently had an article in Complex Magazine (great mag BTW), and they give their favorite pick up lines...some are really good....

"You have AIDS? Me too! Lets Bang!"

"I slipped you something an hour ago, what the fuck is going on?"

"Are you drunk enough to bang yet?"

"Hey I dont see any other girls here. Whats your name?"

RIP Bernie Mac

Bernie Mac has always been one of my favorite comedians. He is hilarious and was a comedic genius. He will be missed.

8.7.08

What? What?! What the hell has just happened?! BTW: Coming to the nearest McDonalds... Chad Pennington serving fries.

8.6.08

Holy crap... did you guys watch that below? Mr.Rogers is a fucking demon... El Diablo.... El Blanco Diablo! What did you do this weekend? Oh I was just filming a movie I wrote Beatrice! Ha Ha Ha. Yes its true El Dandy! I spent this LONG weekend filming the newest and greatest short film evar called "Found". Its the "coming of age of a Hitman". You like that line right there? Thats basically me saying to people "fuck off", when they ask me what the film is about. Ha Ha. Im sorry but its true. I get asked so much for a play by play breakdown of every line in the script, that I now just give that one line. If I gave you a longer explanation of the film, I must have been in a good mood or was looking to get laid. 

Friday was probably the hardest day of the shoot thus far. We shot from 3 PM to 6 AM. Great fun. We were in a small apartment, with 8 sweaty stinky men, all the windows closed, no air condition, and 1 million watt lights shining on us. We started shedding clothes so quickly it started to look like we were shooting a gay porno. "Men In Heat". Im really feeling what we filmed was magical. I would really love to talk candidly on this blog about some on set shit and what not, but you don't shit were you eat. The crew got along great, I genuinely enjoyed the company of everyone and would work with them again in a heartbeat. 

8.5.08

There is no God....

8.4.08

The greatest film company of all time? Damn man.... Pixar has their shit together. They have never had a flop, and the only two films that weren't called the greatest things ever were "Cars" and a "Bugs Life". They just keep making hit after hit.... but thats not what is impressive to me. Its how innovative and how unafraid of risks they are. Their latest film... Wall-E doesn't have dialogue for the first 40 minutes. Thats ballsy. I still have not seen it and I'm dying to.... I have a strong feeling I will agree its the film of the year. Pixar is untouchable and just prints money.... they remind me a lot of Nintendo. Nintendo is another company that goes against the grain and always finds success. Both are family friendly companies who agree with the slogan "less is more". They both have smaller libraries but their names go hand and hand with quality.

8.1.08

This is probably the most racist toy ever made...

Fuck white people.

8.1.08

INT. Riches Deli - Basement - Night

MJ, 23, sits slouched on a couch enjoying the company of his friends. He gently puffs on a cigarette and holds a beer in the other hand. His friends all laugh hysterically at the jokes he is telling and there is nothing but smiles around the room.

Everything goes silent as Tony, a 23 year old guinea, walks into the room. He wears a nasty scowl on his face and is angered by the laughter he perviously heard.

TONY

What the fuck MJ you little slut?! Why aren't you working! 

MJ

But Tony its my day off.

Tony SLAPS MJ across the face with two swift fists. All of the friends jaws drop to the floor.

TONY

I'm the boss God Dammit!

Tony SLAPS him again..as the sound echoes through out the room. Everyone in the room is feeling uneasy and nervous.

MJ

I only tried to do the right thing..I'm sorry.

SLAP!

Tony turns and goes to make his way out of the room. He abruptly stops.

Tony

             I'm taking your shoe too you mother fucker.

Tony removes the sneaker and walks out of the basement with a huge smile on his face.

FADE OUT:

7.27.08

Jesus Christ... thats a real burger. Its from a place called Heart Attack Grill. How the hell are you suppose to bite into that thing without unhinging your jaw. I mean honestly. How in the hell is that possible?

7.27.08

Oh yeah... was filming today from 5 AM to 5 PM. What do I like to do when I get home to unwind? I like to watch the vid above. It brings a huge smile every time I see animals speaking human talk. If a cat talked human to me I would bring it to the Chinese Food place and make in General Tso. Speaking of which.... I'm pretty sure that at least on two occasions i have eaten cat from a chinese food restuarant. Actually.... isn't cat more expensive then chicken? Why would they go out of their way to capture a cat when they can get cheap grade F chicken? It mustve been rat.

7.24.08

I've never been to a convention before. I don't like Star Trek... think Star Wars is good but not great.... and could care less about comics. What do I feel passionately enuff about to drive 6 and a half hours to go to a festival. God damn buffalo wings of course. I LOVE buffalo wings more then I will love my own children. They are God's apology to humans.... yup. After he created that flood and fucked with Noah... he created Buffalo Wings to as a way to say sorry. This festival has sauces of every flavor you could imagine....even a fucking Cocconut flavor. Yeah I know that probably tastes like crusty ass, but its cool to know it exists. So Im amped man... end of August.

7.23.08

I just got a fake prop gun in the mail for the film I'm gonna start shooting. While I was holding it and playing around with it, it hit me. This profession is awesome. Making movies is not a job. Its writing stories, playing dress up, running around with guns playing cops and robbers. This is not work. This is being a kid and making money off it (hopefully). Yeah... some jobs like holding the lights are not fun, but the majority of the people working, are really just big kids who refused to grow up. Big kids who didn't want to wear a shirt and tie and sit at a desk. And everyone involved in this business is a little crazy... you have to be.... I know I am... The Joker character is based off me.

I've really been feeling this Hyper Crush shit (see the video below). I am a HUGE 80's fan so I think that might also be a reason, and plus they are singing about fucking Duck Hunt...whats not to like?

The Giants god rid of Shockey... good riddance. The Mets are fighting for first place... I told you Willie Randolph was no good.

7.22.08

Some new group called "Hyper Crush". They got that 80's styyyyyle. Plus one of the dudes wears the Nintendo power glove and the other is rocking out on a keytar. Definetly cool dudes in my book.

Survey

This is strictly for the people here in Maspeth.

I want your feedback and you can post a comment totally anonymous. 

Recently, someone has gotten into a car accident while said person was intoxicated. He has a history of crashing cars, so this is not an isolated incident. Now he wants to add alcohol into the equation and the safety of everyone on the roads is in danger. Should this "man" be allowed to drive on the roads again? Please leave me a comment.

7.21.08

Just please watch this... it is amazing.

7.20.08

Half man.... Half DOG! This is 100 percent real... a rare video from Iran and the sick product of their bizarre experiments.

MJ AT THE BATMAN

I have a surprise for you.... Believe it or not, "Batman: The Dark Knight" is not the greatest film of all time. Its good... but its not great. I take that back... the film is great up until the final act, then it basically loses all its steam and kinda sucks. If you want to pinpoint the exact spot the film goes to shit, its as soon as "Two Face" comes onto the scene. The Two Face feels too unbelievable for the world that has been created, and his flip a coin routine was done a THOUSAND times better in "No Country For Old Men". Basically, Two Face is the suck.

Heath Ledger... he kills his performance as the Joker...err..poor choice of words I suppose. But this character is amazing. He gives a lifetime performance and is probably one of the greatest villians ever. There is no remorse and reasoning to this mad man. There is no back story as to why he is so twisted. (he does give and ever changing one to different people) He basically plays the Devil, and manipulates those around him to do wrong. He is not controlled by sex or money or any other vices that normal men succumb to. He even seems numb to pain. This is the main difference between this Joker and Nicholson's Joker. Nicholson's Joker was a lot more human, and even desired a woman.

Now here is my single biggest pet peeve about this film. Its Batman's friggin voice! The voice Christian Bale puts on when he is Batman sounds like he is attempting his best Ultimate Warrior impression. There were like 6 times when Batman murmured something that I couldn't help but laugh out loud. So overall, I would give this 2 and a half stars out of four, and Two of those are for Heath Ledger alone.

Now here is what pisses me off the most... the fucking fanboys. They swear up and down that this is the greatest film ever made and wont even listen to any negative criticism. I saw it with a huge comic book fan and even he wasn't that big on it. Its a good film no doubt, but its not worth creaming your pants over.... then again I have never like superheroes too much, and was more excited over "The Watchmen" trailer beforehand. Watch out for that one.

Ok let me really break this film down....SPOILERS ahead...

SPOILERS!


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Ok. So watching the film it becomes obvious that the Joker was going to continue on in the series. The movie builds up to this big climatic Joker/Batman fight to the death, but it never happened. Joker doesn't die and the big "fight" is reserved to Batman/Two Face. I was pissed that Two Face was "born" and died in this film. I thought he was just being groomed for the next film. When you have a villian as powerful as the Joker, you don't need to add another one. Adding Two Face just makes things more of a clusterfuck. And Two Face starts off as one of the most heroic guys in the film and then just suddenly transforms into an evil bastard. The transformation is quick and feels rushed. Then this Two Face character, who is very lame, winds up becoming the centerpiece of the film in its final act and steals the screen time from the Joker. I'm sorry, but I could give a fuck about Two Face. Every scene with Two Face made me ask, "Where the fuck is the Joker?!" This half ass afterthought of a character is going to take from me the showdown I was waiting whole movie for? and "Scarecrow" from the first movie makes one of the WORST cameos ever in a film.

7.18.08

Greatest performer of our generation? I think so.

7.17.08

Tomm I'm going to go see The Batman in the iMax. I will post a brutally honest review after seeing it. Will it live up to its HUUUGE expectations. I don't know. If Heath Ledger sucks as joker, I will say he sucks.... no sympathy cause hes dead. So be sure to check back here for the definitive review of "Batman: The Dark Knight". Screw Roger Ebert and Variety and Entertainment Weekly.

7.15.08

Genius

7.11.08

So its official....my ass officially owes California $377 for my marijuana arrest. On top of that I owe Long Island $150 for violation of the HOV lane. When it rains it pours. What the fuck man?! Don't these fucking cops realize how much gas costs? Do they realize we are in a recession. These stupid tickets hurt my damn pockets, and are the damn reason that I will spending the next 2 weeks in the soup kitchen. Look at that pic above... doesn't the cat look like Robert DeNiro in the third one? I'm finally filming the movie I wrote in August and am holding my final audition today. I sit behind a table and jot notes on these people feeling way too much like a American Idol judge. I like to think of myself as a Simon but my frequent use of the word "dawg" makes me more of that black guy I guess.

7.7.08

That is probably the sexiest outfit I have ever seen and a sure fire winner for best costume this Halloween. Wow. The only thing that could fulfill my weird fetishes better then that is a hot chick dressed as a fucking Ninja Turtle.... make that a TEENAGE ninja turtle. Ha Ha. Get it?

One other quick comment. Theres a new movie coming out called "Disaster Movie". It is another "spoof" movie which all started with "Scary Movie". There has also been similar movies like "Date Movie", "Epic Movie", and "Superhero Movie". This shit seriously needs to stop. These movies are god awful. I am going to make a film called "Shitty Movie" which is going to be a spoof of these spoof movies.

7.6.08

As many of you know I have recently been teaching the second grade glass at Saint Beatrices elementary school. For their latest project I asked them to draw for me a famous historic moment. Here are my favorite two.


This is Michaelangelo painting the chapel.


And this is the Underground Railroad.

7.5.08

How Not To Fake A Heart Attack - Watch more free videos


Genius.... this guy wearing a very pimp white suit tries to get out of a court appearance by faking a heart attack. He falls to the floor, and then pretends to be "unconscious" for the rest of his appearance. The doctors check him and there is no problem with his health, but he still remains "unconscious" hoping for a mistrial. I love it.

So what happened? Did he successfully defend himself against the charges of assault with a deadly weapon? Nah. He got 42 years of prison.

DMX - Where Da hood At?!

Great Moments in Songwriting...

If you did not know... DMX absolutely hates gay people. If you don't believe me just listen to the lyrics of his hit "Where Da Hood At?!". It might be one of the most homophobic songs in the history of a music and is definitely a great moment in songwriting.

Man, cats don't know what it's gonna be
Fuckin with a nigga like me, D-to-the-M-to-the-X
Last I heard, y'all niggaz was havin sex, with the SAME sex
I show no love, to homo thugs
Empty out, reloaded and throw more slugs
How you gonna explain fuckin a man?
Even if we squashed the beef, I ain't touchin ya hand
I don't buck with chumps, for those to been to jail
That's the cat with the Kool-Aid on his lips and pumps
I don't fuck with niggaz that think they broads
Only know how to be ONE WAY, that's the dog
I know how to get down, know how to BITE
Bark very little, but I know HOW TO FIGHT
I know how to chase a cat up in the tree
MAN, I GIVE Y'ALL NIGGAZ THE B'INESS FOR FUCKIN WIT ME, IS YOU CRAZY?!?

Well lets break down these lyrics shall we. Apparently someone approached DMX and told him the concept of a gay male...a man having sex with the same sex. DMX was outraged by this and asks the question to all of society, "How you gonna explain fuckin a man?" DMX is so disgusted he wouldn't even shake the hand of gay man if they were friends. DMX then recalls his time in jail and remembers that he has previously encountered homosexuals, but he still doesn't like them.

Towards the end of the song however, DMX kind of changes his tune....

I get tapes doin times, stop niggaz like grapes makin wine
Five CD's with mad rhymes
Don't hit me with that positive shit, I know you lyin
You really wanna stop niggaz from dyin? Stop niggaz from tryin
I cuz I ain't really got that time to waste
and I thought I told you to get these fuckin bums out my face
Lookin atchu in your grill, I might be nice to cut
Once I split ya ass in two, you'll be twice as butt
Yeah, you right, I know ya style - PUSSY cuz I'm fuckin it
Since we all right here, you hold my dick while he suckin it
MOTHERFUCKER, don't you know you'll never come near me
Shove ya head up ya ass, have you seein shit clearly
Never heard that D be runnin, cuz D be gunnin
I beat my dick and bust off in ya eye so you can see me comin/cumin
Empty clips and shells are what I leave behind
and if they get me with the joint, they hit me with a three-to-nine

Once I split ya ass in two, you'll be twice as butt?! What the hell! "Since we all right here, you hold my dick while he suckin it." WHAT! He sucking it?! Having a guy suck your dick is pretty gay to me any way you cut it. I thought DMX was against same sex intercourse. I guess he doesn't consider oral sex as intercourse. He then says he will masterbate into another mans eye. Wow....

6.30.08

I don't have a short temper, but today I damn near lost my mind. my credit card has been f'n up so I had to call Visa. This lameitory asshole who they put me on the phone with damn near made me jump threw the phone. He had a smug little attitude and wouldn't give me any info until I answered a thousand security questions. The worse part was he constantly mumbled and spoke so quickly that he sounded like that guy from Dick Tracy. The conversation escalated in intensity with basically me yelling, "What?!" after every line he mumbled. Eventually after not being able to answer a security question which stumped me for 15 minutes I totally lost my cool and said these exact lines... "What are we playing fucking Guess Who here? If you were sitting in front of me I would punch you." I later apologized for taking it too far. I can't remember the last time I snapped like this without the help of the liquor demons.

So to something more happy. Look at this pic....







It looks like a normal bridge right? Kind of nice. Now here is where it gets weird. Look at the pic again but this time look for "Pac-Man". Ha! You will NEVER be able to look at that pic again and not see Pac-Man.

6.29.08

Just thought I'd post two reasons why Japan kicks yo ass....

This sign actually exists in Japan. HA HA HA! I love the fact that the woman obviously sees him and is crying. Is the sign a warning for the woman or a threat to the guy. Who knows.

And then there is this. When I was a kid my favorite game of all time was "the crane". This is the crane but you are going for fucking lobsters. How in the blue hell can you win this game? Lobsters, unlike dolls, can actually move. And I know from experience that the claw closes like shit. And lets just say a lobster is grabbed and dropped down into the prize thingie.... then what the fuck do you do? Grab a live lobster and walk around the rest of the day with it? I dont know if lobsters are considered animals, but this shit is animal cruelty..... but it doesnt stop its awesomness. As soon as I saw this it went VERY high up on my list of things I want to do in my lifetime.... right above having kids.


UPDATE! I found footage of this bad boy in action.

Lose your mind forever!

Do you want to lose your mind forever? Do you want your reality to be completely blown? Do you want to suddenly have suicidal thoughts? Well then watch this video. This is from a children's show, and it is one of the creepiest things I ever witnessed. It just made me feel dirty and uneasy like nothing else. This really is a work of art, but god damn if it wont mentally fuck you up. If you watch this one drugs you will probably lose your mind forever or take your own life on the spot. Viewer beware....your in for a scare.

6.28.08

Here are some amazing YTMND's. Watch them with Firefox for best results. Make sure you watch them all... this is the cream of the crop.

http://armedanimals.ytmnd.com/
http://timetraveler.ytmnd.com/
http://bubbrain.ytmnd.com/
http://jimcarreybobblehead.ytmnd.com/
http://threeinchesofbloodsport.ytmnd.com/
http://patience-king4.ytmnd.com/
http://fatalitiesthreehundred.ytmnd.com/
http://arnoldwantsytmndnow.ytmnd.com/
http://dreamcookie.ytmnd.com/
http://lukecompany.ytmnd.com/
http://youtouchmywiiwii.ytmnd.com/

And here is another web gem. Its a message from the biggest douchebag in the whole world. Some guy got some girls business card and called her and left this message. Sit back and enjoy this wonderful thing.


http://view.break.com/527579 - Watch more free videos

Ok and then one more thing you HAVE to watch. It is hands down the scariest commercial of all time. Fuck... it is one of the scariest things of all time.

www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=30994

6.26.08

The first time a laugh track makes a show SOOOO much better.

6.24.08

Ha Ha Ha! I love this. I like Shaq and hate Kobe Bryant so I really enjoy this new song... "Kobe tell me how my ass tastes". Shaq whips out some good lines here like: "I'm a horse, Kobe is a rat, thats why I got a divorce." Ha! Shaq is referring to when kobe got caught raping and took a jab saying, "Maybe I should just pay all these girls a million like Shaq." Kobe is a real douche for doing that and deserves Shaq rap wrath.

6.23.08

Thought I'd give everyone a little gift. Its the newest mixtape from 50 Cent. Now this isn't your typical rap mixtape.... its 50 doing a verse followed by a whole great old school R&B song. This is real grown and sexy music right here.... great for the summer.

http://www.zshare.net/download/1391361382c659d1/

Ask Sonic

This is the new feature here that will appear once a month. To celebrate its launch this is the second one I'm posting.... then you assholes have to wait a month. Sonic really needs no introduction. He is the "bad boy of the 90's", and a frequent "visitor" of many a prison. 

Dear Sonic,

I was just curious to find out what are some of your favorite hobbies? What do you in your spare time to chillax?

Audrey

Richmond, VA

SONIC: I remember when we were in the showers in the pen. This n*gga Donkey Kong walks in, and I swear to God, I thought a black midget was walking between his legs. That n*gga washed next to me and I made damn sure to hold that soap as tight as I wanted to keep my asshole, you know what I'm sayin? Wait... what was the question?

Ask Sonic

Sonic The Hedgehog is a regular here at the blog. He oozes 90's attitude... an era where it was all about cool shades, giving thumbs up, leather jackets, and spewing witty sarcastic one-liners. In between his legal battles, Sonic will be a part of a new feature here at "The Voices"..... This is the first edition of "Ask Sonic".

Dear Sonic,

I have had a crush on this girl that works at the Waffle House for a while now. I finally mustered up the courage to ask her on a date and she said yes! I'm so excited, but I don't know where to take her on our first date. I want to leave a good impression.... do you have a suggestion?

Jeremy

Virginia

Sonic: Huh? The bitch works at the waffle house.... make her get you some free shit or something. I don't know why a n*gga be dating in the first place.... this ain't the 50's n*gga where I take a ho to the drive thru movies. I take my ho's to the bathroom stall and let them run they mouth till they knees sore. The only reason Sonic ever got blue balls is cause of my fur. I'll even let that little n*gga Tails make out with them after I bust up in they mouth.... I don't tell him tho. HA HA HA!

6.22.08

This man above is the single reason why the Mets are entertaining this season. Jerry Manuel, the new Mets manager is out of his friggin mind. I first realized this at his introductory speech as manager where made the comment, "Gangstas on the field, woman on the bus." Some reporter was talking loud and he yelled at him, "YO! YO! Take that outside man!" I knew right away this was the manager we needed. The other day Reyes threw a tantrum and Jerry Manuel made one of my favorite comments ever about it: "I told him the next time he does that, I'm going to get my blade out and cut him right on the field. I'm a gangsta." That is awesome. I don't think any other manager has threatened to cut a player. He then went on to refer to Reyes as a woman saying, "She acted up with me, and she had a day off." Now just today he is quoted as saying that angry Mets fans are fertilizer....basically pieces of shit. This guy is really helping to liven things up.

6.21.08

Something that always bothered me as a kid. Sea Worlds big attraction is the whale named Shamu. He's a pretty cool guy I guess. But here's what gets me....when I asked what kind of whale Shamu is..."Oh...he's a killer whale." What?! How can he be friendly? The name of his species starts with the word "Killer"!  If you fell in the water that motherfucker would KILL you...no hesitation. The photo above is obviously doctored...cause that girl would be in two pieces if that was real. Bottom Line is this... Shamu is cool, but just realize what he is. He is a stone cold killer. He would and wants to kill you. Enjoy him but be cautious.