5.13.09

Fuck. Well I'm sitting in Panera Bread, my favorite to place for studying, preparing form my 3rd Final of the day... my brain is melting. I'm gonna be so happy when this shit is finally done Im either going to: 

A.) drive right into a brick wall on the way home and have my ears pop off and eyes bulge out like a Crash Test Dummy 

B.) Go home and take a "lethal combination" (I love that term, you see it every time someone OD's) of painkillers, sleeping pills, and liquor

C.) Break a glass bottle over my dick

I'm probably going with C. It's funny cause that multiple choice question is the same one I just had on my African American Studies final. 

This bitch sitting near me keeps coughing... coughing every couple of seconds. She's probably infected every one of us with swine flu. I know what your thinking, "Why you call the lady a bitch?" Its because I am easily influenced by rap music. It reminds me of the one 2Pac song "Wonder Why They Call U Bitch". It starts off with 2Pac saying, "I know you wondering why we call them hoes bitches."

Going back to drugs again... the only drug that still shocks me is heroin. Coccaine runs rampant in Hollywood, pot is not even a drug, and most of America is on some sort of prescription pill, but heroin..... damn thats hardcore. I remember when Owen Wilson OD'd and they said it was heroin. That guy had some issues. 

mother fucker

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Is it sad that this song is better then 90 percent of the shit on the radio? If this was released it would be a number one hit, no doubt about it.

5.10.09

5.7.09

Best start to a fight ever

5.7.09

I'm watching the NBA Playoffs and this Lakers/Rockets series is getting REAL fun. First off the Lakers shockingly lost Game 1. So Kobe comes out to start Game 2 and he is PISSED. He gets like 15 points in the first quarter and is screaming and cursing after every shot. While this is going on, Lamar Odom is terrorizing this lame white European looking guy. He is getting in his face after every play and pushing him around. I like Odom mainly because he is a fellow resident of Queens. This lame Euro guy is afraid of Odom I guess so he starts beef with the Luke Walton. This results in two technicals and on the very next play, Derek Fisher gives this euro guy a shoulder tackle that knocks him on his ass. Fisher is given a Flagrant 2 and ejected while Jack Nicholson runs onto the court objecting the call... All the while Yao Ming looks around confused... This is NBA Playoffs that I like. I'm telling you, the NBA is peeking. It is getting to mid 90's good again. Kobe and Lebron are 2 of the best I have ever seen. Then throw Wade, Chris Paul, and Howard to the mix and you got one of the deepest talent rosters in a long while. Plus, many of the big market teams are getting good again and we finally have seen the fall of the Spurs and the Pistons (aka the ratings killer). All thats left is for the Knicks to FINALLY get a good team again that can contend. When NY has a good bball team, New York is a BIG basetball town. If Lebron does come here, I have no doubt the Knicks will be the premiere NY team.

UPDATE: It just got better. I knew Ron Artest was too quiet. Artest just got ejected after getting in the face of Kobe. Kobe definetly did elbow him in the throat tho. You better start watching this series.

UPDATE: Now Kobe just got a techincal for yelling at another player, "You can't guard me!" or something after hitting a deep shot.

Keyboard Cat

Greatest thing I have ever seen.... hands down

6.5.09

Who would buy this for their kid? You just know they are going to stick their penis in it. What kind of sick fuck would even make such a "Snuggler"? I love how it says on the box, "Wow! Create a GIGANTIC Friend!" And since when does Superman look like dead bloated Elvis Presley?

Ask Sonic

Yo Sonic,

I dont know what to do B! I love that bling bling and I fucking love them Tony the Tiger corn flakes... but you know we's in the Recession and I cant afford both..... Ya Smell Me?

Bubb Rubb

Ohio

Sonic:

Eminem - 3 A.M

4.28.09

No Comment.

NES Classics - Bible Adventures

NES Classics - Bible Adventures

Oh shit.... a game based on religion so bad it would have turned Jesus H. Christ into an atheist. Did you know the H. in his name stood for Harry? Don't quote me on that because I am lying.

This was actually a gift given to me by my Aunt. Where she purchased this game I have no idea. First off the cartridge is oddly shaped from regular Nintendo games and it also does not contain the Official Nintendo stamp of approval. I think its safe to assume that this was a bootleg with the proceeds going to some Terror Facility in the Middle East.

The game is split into 3 different sub games. My recollection of the Bible is not as good as it once was, so forgive me if I butcher names and what not. The first game you played as Noah, and had to bring 2 of each set of animal onto your arc. Playing this game was probably harder then the actual shit Noah went thru. You pick up a sheep and then a millisecond later it runs out of grip all the way to the beginning of the level. You have to do this about 30 times before you finally get it onto the arc. In order to get the animal to stay on the arc you have to launch it 30 feet into the air into unconsciousness or simply beat it into a coma. I'm not joking either. I played this game for a total of 5 minutes before praying that God would send another flood.

The next game used basically the same engine except instead of throwing sheep and other animals, you were launching baby Jesus around. I'm not too sure what story this game is based on, but its apparently the one where Mary is running from Soldiers and her only option is to launch Baby Jesus over a River. Thinking back maybe it wasn't Baby Jesus but someone else. The other two games are based on Old Testament stories so maybe this one was too.... Maybe this game was made by the *Gasp* by the Jews!!!!!

The final game is the one I spent entirely too much time playing. It was based on the story of David vs. Goliath. You played as David traveling up huge mountains and at the very end you would finally confront the Giant Goliath. It became an obsession of mine to get to Goliath, but the game was so friggin hard. How could the graphical processing power of the Nintendo video game console reproduce a giant? Did they even have enough pixels? I needed to know. I was tempted to find out I almost loaded the game up to my Game Genie and used cheat codes, but then I figured that was probably a moral sin. I could imagine arriving at the gates of Heaven only to have God say, "You used the Game Genie on my video game you mother fucker?!"

Tyson

First off this review might be somewhat biased as I am a huge Tyson fan and find him to be one of the more interesting characters walking the earth. I feel he is a deeply conflicted man who has a basically pure spirit but is corrupted by the people and society around him. He is far from a saint, and is the first to admit it. He has MANY faults but is man enough to admit them and attempt to change.

This film is not your typical documentary. It is more of a bibliography as it is told entirely in the words of Mike Tyson. There is no other narrator or anyone asking the questions. Its Tyson's story of his life in his own words. Now you might think a problem might arise from this but it doesn't. Tyson is not biased and tells it like it is... he is brutally honest. He tells both sides of the story and there is really not even the need for additional interviews from his opponents or what not.

You also might think that a story told entirely by Tyson might not be all that interesting... you might assume he's not exactly the best narrator. This is wrong too. Tyson is actually pretty intelligent and speaks using very colorful language. He's great in one liners and there are many sayings he delivers that you will find yourself repeating. He also uses quite a large arsenal of vocabulary. (Although he does sometimes mispronounce some of the larger words but that adds to the charm)

This is one of the better documentaries I have seen and is so gripping that anyone, fan of boxing, Tyson, or not will enjoy immensely. My one complaint is the length of the film.... it clocks in too short for my liking at an hour and 30 minutes. There is some additional amazing footage that I have seen of Tyson that I felt should have been included. Some of the stories I also which would have been expanded on. I honestly could have continued watching this film for another 2 hours, and I hope a DVD version is released packed with additional footage.

600th Post Extravaganza!

Wow this is the 600th post on this blog. And to think I just started this one day to tell my story of witnessing a Walrus jerk off at the aquarium. Actually I take that back... The first post here was me moaning about the Met's losing (surprise surprise). For a post of this magnitude I needed a really good pic up on top, and it does not get much better then that one of current day Captain Planet up above.

I was at the Hard Rock casino in Florida 2 days ago. When you win from a slot machine you are given a receipt with the amount which you cash in at a desk. So I'm in line waiting to cash in and this lady is in front of me..... no joke... she was chasing in a receipt for $0.05! 5 friggin cents! This lady walked all the way to the back of the casino to cash in 5 cents. When she handed it to the woman behind the desk, the woman asked if she wanted a nickle.... "No, all in pennies." This lady wanted 5 friggin pennies! What in the blue hell did she need 5 pennies for? I understand we are in a recession but come on now.

4.16.09

So I just got back from my first expedition to Shea Stadium #2 (Citi  Field). While I was sitting and watching the game while eating fried calamari it hit me that this is a whole new ballpark. Citi Field is basically the anti Shea. Shea was a place where you wanted to be sitting in your seat. When you had to get a snack you would rush as soon as possible through the dark tunnels, with only the sounds of the audience to tell you what was happening. In New Shea you never want to be in your seat. You want to be walking around, eating this, looking at this, standing by this bar, standing in the coke area, talking that shit. You can see the game perfectly from no matter where you are, and there are huge open areas with tables and the such for hanging out.

Eating at old Shea was not encouraged. It was the last option for someone dying of starvation. At New Shea eating is the primary goal. Its like being in a giant food court with baseball being played in the background. I must have gained 5 pounds in this one night. Heres a list of what I ate...

slice of Pepperoni Pizza - much better then it should have been. I could've told you it was from a regular pizza place and you wouldnt think twice

Grandma slice on whole wheat - really good. One of the better foods.

Fried Calamari - actually not bad... a little spicy but enjoyable

Shrimp sandwich - my friend had this and I took a bite. Don't get this.

Pulled Pork Sandwich - Really good.

Spare Ribs - Probably the best thing to get.

Overall the new stadium is amazing, and people complaining about it are just people who love to complain. Its much more of a party atmosphere and not a hardcore baseball stadium like Shea was.... it also doesn't have the character of Shea and I dont really see it ever gaining that.

2009 Most Dangerous Cities

Here is the list...


1 New Orleans, LA
2 Camden, NJ
3 Detroit, MI
4 St. Louis, MO
5 Oakland, CA
6 Flint, MI
7 Gary, IN
8 Birmingham, AL
9 Richmond, CA
10 North Charleston, SC
11 Cleveland, OH
12 Baltimore, MD
13 Miami Gardens, FL
14 Memphis, TN
15 Youngstown, OH
16 Atlanta, GA
17 Compton, CA
18 Orlando, FL
19 Little Rock, AR
20 Minneapolis, MN
21 Washington, DC
22 Philadelphia, PA
23 Jackson, MS
24 Newark, NJ
25 Milwaukee, WI

The Easter

My religious prowess might not be the best, as my catholic school teachings have become fuzzy and my knowledge of religion primarily comes from "God vs. Satan" on the History Channel.... BUT.... isn't Easter the day Jesus essentially became a zombie? So then why in the hell is it all about eggs and bunnies? Who thought of this shit?

Well thanks to the power of the Google we now finally know the answer... it came from the Germans and is basically the same shit as Santa. You leave a basket out at night and a human form rabbit comes and if you been good, gives you his unborn children. And if you were bad? He sends you a link to "2 Girls 1 Cup" via e-mail.

4.11.09

The Winner of best Aprils Fool Day Joke goes to "Nine Inch Nails" and their Timbaland produced album, "Strobe Light". The thing that killed me is a song on the tracklist...

2. everybody's doing it (featuring chris martin, jay-z AND bono)

Ha Ha... I love how the "AND" is in all caps. AND fuckin' Bono. Here is the link for your viewing pleasure...

http://www.nin.com/pub/strobelight/

4/10/09

http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/220762

The new South Park was amazing and you can watch it up above. Basically its about Kanye West being a gay fish. In the episode Kanyes entourage looks and dresses pretty out there and flamboyant... one might say gay. Well the outfits are actually exact from this picture....







The Rat Pack they certainly are not.

4.9.09

What kind of weird midget child hybrid is this? Look at the guys reaction in the back.

Loopt iPhone Commercial

What the fuck has happened to privacy in this country?! Why does everyone always have to be in everyone else's fucking business. Every new device or fad seems aimed at the nosey people and stalkers.

This one above might be the worst. A GPS system for people. I swear to God I should have been born in a different era. I don't like this current society and where it is heading.

A Weird And "Evil" Commercial

Another awesome Japanese commercial. In Japan there are no copyright laws apparently.

Funny Japanese commercial

Scary

4.5.09

What in the blue hell is "Twitter"?! Is "Twitter" the new slang for female masturbation? Everywhere I turn there is talk about this person tweeting and this other person even tweeting every minute. Even celebrities and athletes have begun tweeting... and on this NBA game they are talking about Shaq giving a tweet to mark Cuban. Huh?!

Mets opening day tomorrow. Goodbye Shea Stadium and hello Shea Stadium. I don't give a fuck, the words "Citi Field" will never be uttered by me. The god damn Mets play in the god damn Shea Stadium and thats the way it will and always will be.  This Citi corporation is losing money out the ass and probably wont even be able to pay for the name rights come next year. I say when they lose the rights we rename it to "Recession Field". "I'm going to Recession Field to watch the Mets play".

4.5.09

Man.... Robin Williams has really aged pretty poorly.

4.1.09

I want this hat... Its based on Lucha Libre masks... I think its only in Japan tho

4.1.09

Well I'm in jail. Apparently there are rules as to what you can and can't do for Aprils Fool Day. You are apparently not allowed to run into a airport dressed as a bearded Arab with a bomb strapped to his chest and scream "Jihad!". I yelled "April Fools!" like six times after the initial panic but I was still detained. Fuck this communist country... home of the free my ass!

Apparently a copy of the new "Wolverine" movie has leaked on the net a whole month before its theatrical release. That bad bizness right there. How do you let an uncompleted print of one of your companies biggest films get leaked that early? Early buzz is saying it is the suck and comparing it to the Ratner "X3".... thats bad. I hope this movie flops like all hell and makes "The Watchmen" look like a cash cow. I want this to be the final steak into the heart of superhero films. I'm so sick of these garbage films.... what happened to the days of Arnie, Stallone, and other roided freaks blowing shit up being the blockbusters? We transitioned from machismo gun fighting to superheroes. 

I sense another change coming soon. I feel the medium of comic books has just about been all tapped out... its time to draw inspiration from a new medium... But what? What is one of the most lucrative entertainment businesses with a built in fan base that shits all over comic book geeks? Why it would be video games. Video Game movies have long been taken as a joke handed off to god awful directors like Uwe Boll. As soon as a decent director takes on a well known franchise (Halo, Gears of War, Metal Gear Solid), you will see box office gold.

I always dreamed of making a Twisted Metal movie. Maybe the ship has sailed on that idea, as it would have been ideal to do around the time of "Fast and Furious", also when the franchise still had relevance. A tournament of hooked up cars with gun turrets strapped on the front roaming through a Gotham like city blowing up everything and everyone... and on top of that the people in the cars are interesting... like a serial killer clown.  I still think with a good trailer and at least one good actor this movie can make money. You have big action, cool cars, and superhero esque villians. The formula seems too good.

I love this 2 hour break I have in school... actually I hate it. I'm bored as all hell. Speaking of video game movies who remembers the "Super Mario Brothers" movie. Holy shit... that was the reason drugs were invented. I could imagine being told by a studio to write a screenplay for a live action Mario Brothers film... How the fuck? The story was actually clever... real clever. Someone wrote the shit out of that story to make something that made some sense...

How would I do a live action Mario film. I would actually make it a quirky art film. Mario would be a poor plumber living in a tight Brooklyn apartment with Luigi. He would be infatuated with a local girl named Daisy, and constantly berated by his evil boss, Mr. Cooper. He is timid and shy and afraid to go for the girl and stand up for himself. In his spare time he would draw comics in which he is "Super Mario" and saves the Princess Peach from the evil King Koopa. The film would jump between real time and this fantasy dreamworld of Mario's. Doing this comic would actually help Mario as a person and in the end he would stand up for himself and get the girl in both fantasy and reality. Thats just my take on it...

Ask Sonic

Dear Sonic,

    I am having such a dilemma! It seems like everything in today's day and age ends with a dot com and a bunch of "W"s in the front. Its hard for someone like me in the twilight of their life to grasp such new concepts such as "The Internet". This has become a big problem because my daughter keeps trying to deliver me photos of my grandson by the "e-mail". I have no idea how to receive the "e-mail" and have not seen my grandson in 5 years. How do I find this "e-mail"? I desperately want to see my grandson!

From,

Beatrice

SONIC: What the fuck do I know Ho! You say you old as shit, what the fuck you needs to be on the internet for? You ain't looking for fresh pussy on MySpace and you damn sure aint searching for booty clappin hoes! So I say you dont even need that shit!

3.30.09

This is how I used to answer math problems in highschool

Film Class

Heres how you cant take a news headline and make it into a film...

"Violence increases in 2010 Olympic site, Vancouver. Officials consider moving Olympics"

Boom. That news article is practiclly the logline itself.

"Violence increases in 2010 Olympic site, Vancouver. Officials consider moving Olympics.... but hired hand, Jake "Enforcer" Mathis, plans on changing that"

I think you can pretty much guess what that movie is right there is going to be all about. I bet you can even close your eyes and actually envision the film and can even think out some scenes.

Hell here is a Tag Line:
"Before there can be Olympic Glory, there must be some Jake Mathis Gory!"

Now thats the action approach... here is the comedy approach....

" The suburban, generally quiet, town of Vancouver experiences a slight upswing in violence that could cost them "their" Olympics. The mayor panics and turns to a grizzled war hero. Enter Jake "The Enforcer" Mathis.... a man who hates crime almost as much as gymnastics."

And there you have the story of some ex Marine hard ass Clint Eastwood son of a bitch, cleaning up a suburban town from a rogue gang. He is on a limited time schedule to get back the towns  Olympic aspirations and all the while he has an upitty George Costanza type mayor on his ass every move.To make matters worse, due to circumstance his sidekick winds up becoming a tiny male gymnast with Olympic aspirations and a Napoleon complex. The laughs wont stop with this one.

OR... you can make the gymnast a rather fat out of shape guy who is just trying to be in the Olympics when it hits his home town but has no shot what so ever. He could be like a Chris Farley big dopey 30 year old who still lives at home with his mom and wont stop dreaming. He loves the Olympics while Jake Mathis hates them... classic comedic bickering right there. So many gags can come from this... stuff with tights and sexuality jokes.

In first have you have Jake Mathis come in and start destroying this gang. During this he befriend the gymnast who is a hometown guy training hard. Then he find out someone is behind the gang and purposely trying to get the area to lose the Olympic Games. Maybe the reveal can be some other country or maybe the mayor for a big surprise.

Jake goes home and the gymnast goes back to training and actually makes the olympics.

Now for the finale... The Olympic games are now in the town and every things seems splendid. However, Mathis finds out there is going to be a terrorist attack against the show possibly by the first person who escaped or a different member of that group.

So for the finale Jake has to travel to the Olympics to stop the bomb or whatever. At the same time his gymnast buddy is going for a gold medal.

No one take this idea from me, I might use it.

3.28.09

I really stopped drinking. I drink here and there but not like I used to. Those days of stumbling around drunk, picking fights, and slobbering with random whores are done. I go to a bar now and see these idiots jam packed in like a can of sardines spending hundreds buying girls drinks, who could care less if they live or die. Then Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" comes on and they act like its the first time they heard it in years and gleefully sing along.... when in reality they drunkenly sing along to this song every week.

I lost that anger in me.... and I realize a lot of that anger came from drinking. It really clogs up your mind negatively. Other drugs actually make you have deeper thoughts, or rather more unconventional thoughts... getting pounded drunk just makes you dumber and bloated. I never thought the day would come where I was ready to just about quit drinking for good, but it has. Maybe I have just grown up, cause some things that used to excite me just get me frustrated now. I have a new understanding and appreciation for tranquility. Staying home and watching some great films is becoming more exciting then getting tanked and going bar hopping. Maybe I'm getting more mature... or maybe I'm getting lame.

3.27.09

Holy Shit

3.26.09

3.23.09

Let me post this link here.... Actually let me give a warning first... this is NOT for the squeamish, and shows some of the worst diseases a person can get. This really opens someones eyes about how lucky the are just to be able to go outside and take a walk. All I hear now a days is people complaining, myself included, about the Recession and not having money and what not, but then you see someone who has two legs the size of tree trunks. So next time your whining about getting zero bars in an area on your cell phone, remember that someone out there has "Collapsed Face Syndrome".

http://www.healthmad.com/Conditions-and-Diseases/The-Most-Horrible-Diseases-Ever-to-Tremble-the-World.79729/2

Another question I have is this... how come these odd diseases are always in these third world countries? I know the obvious answer is lack of money and poor medical equipment and what nor, but is it something more then that? I know some bizaare animals and creatures live in those areas that carry crazy diseases. Is it a combo of the both?

Then this link has the worst diseases I have ever seen in my life.

http://www.healthmad.com/Conditions-and-Diseases/The-Most-Horrible-Diseases-Ever-to-Tremble-the-World-3.593819

How do you honestly act if someone like that came up to you and asked you for directions? How can you not stare out of human curiosity? And if you simply try not to make direct eye contact isn't that rude too?

New Wonka movie

Gobstopper Trailer - watch more funny videos

Genius

3.18.09

Fucking Communist bullshit Panera bread! I'm typing this as we speak in a Panera Bread, looking like a real grade A yuppie asshole with my Macbook and Frontega chicken. The point is this.... They have a filter on what sites I can and can not look at. So I cant enjoy the sights of FistingFemales.com while sipping on my chicken noodle soup! Bullshit! I thought this was America people!   Which brings me to a question.. how many people do you think are looking at porn in public places? I know some sickos in the library live off that shit. Do they have no decency. I remember reading an article somewhere that some sicko got in trouble for show hardcore porn to little kids while in the library, which forced all libraries to install a content filter.

This woman near him has that Botox fish lip shit. Who in the world finds that attractive? What guy has ever said, "Damn man, check out that chicks lips... they look like a fish! Mad hot!" That has to be one of the most pointless surgeries this side of breast reduction.

3.18.09

You see those Jack Daniels jeans? They aren't even jeans, they are pajama pants and yours truly just bought a pair for 7 bucks. They have instantly become one of my most prized possessions and now I can still look classy without having to deal with the uncomfortability of jeans. These will go great with my America flag print Bandanna, "9/11: Never Forget" Eagle with lone tear drop tank top, and fanny pack. These pants are perfect for the Recession and for being able to watch Nascar and tell racist jokes with extreme comfort.

3.16.09

WAH WAH WAH! The new biggest crybaby in sports is Jay Cutler. Who the hell does this guy think he is? He is SO good that you are not allowed to even talk about trading him? You didn't even make the playoffs! You had one of the worst collapses I've seen last year. You were a guaranteed playoff team and you handed it to the Chargers.

First Cutler blew off a charity event and then sold his house in Denver and his parents house in Denver. Now he refused to attend a mandatory meeting and is demanding to be traded. This kid has some serious ego problems. I remember him even saying he has a better arm then John Elway or something along those lines. You know who can pull this shit... Peyton Manning, not no Jay Cutler. Win some championships and MVP's before you pull this shit.

Music Video part deuce

So I was filming the newest music video for the Sons of 1984 called "Jungle". If you want an idea of what the look will be like go and watch Jay-Z's "99 Problems". Thats my inspiration big time for this rather short video (about 2 minutes). I was really proud with what we got filmed today, but we did have a pretty funny occurrence. I was very intent on getting into the cemetery and filming some stuff there. For whatever reason as soon as I song I envisioned people rapping on gravestones and what not. The beat just has this eerie ghastly feel to it, and I knew it would work perfectly in that setting. My one friend JP was spooked out about going into the cemetery and his girlfriend kinda got into his head by saying how creepy and odd it was. As soon as we pulled in and parked, he looks over to his right and the gravestone reads the huge last name of his girlfriend. Funny coincidence. 

Now I'll have you know that in the car is about 12 beers, a bottle of wine, and a lot of weed, so we are riding dirty. We then proceed to walk around by the graves with a radio blasting rap music while the performers are climbing on statues as I'm filming them. We made a vow to make not sure to film any names on the headstones, so we felt this was fine. I still stand by this feeling, a cemetery is a really cool place with some of the most gorgeous statues and sculptures I have seen. Its a shame people feel so weirded out by death and don't get too observe these beautiful works of art. It was a real cloudy and dreary day and it looked like we might be starring in "Night Of The Living Dead". The whole time we are doing this we are very cautious about being caught. We are moving pretty quickly and constantly observing our surroundings until I hear someone honking their horn non stop. I know that this is intended as a warning of some sort for us to get the hell out of there. We ignore it and continue filming until we get all our shots. We then go back to the car and go to leave... but the front gate is locked. So we drive to the back and that is locked too. It was a warning that the cemetery was closing, and that we better leave or we are going to be spending a night with the dead. At this point we started joking that we were about to become the newest "Blair Witch Project" as people would only find the camera and see footage of a rap video followed by us being ripped to shreds by zombies. This had all the makings of the beginning of a zombie flick. So basically I'm typing this from inside the cemetery right now, as we are stuck here until 9:30 the next morning.

I personally dont understand the concept of a cemetery. I don't want to be put underground in a wooden box in a field with a bunch of strangers. Fuck that. Put me in a urn and keep me in your house mother fucker. Put me by the HDTV. Or throw my shit in the ocean... You know I have this fear, that if you don't cremate and burn the body, giving yourself a Viking funeral, that the soul is captured in the body until it decomposes. You ever think of that? Even though I'm only 23 I often get asked do I want burial or cremation. I want neither. I want a little ol' practice we like to call mummification. Mummy my ass and put me in the corner of the living room. I will really add to the decor and be a great conversation starter.

Don't Watch the Watchmen

I saw the Watchmen last week and I disliked it so much I did not even feel the need to write a review of it. It wasn't that I hated it, as I would have to vent on here about it, it was more that I felt indifferent. I found it boring and dull. I felt it was made by someone who was afraid of offending the fanboys in the slightest and basically did an adaptation panel for panel. What this "visionary" directory failed to realize is the comic wouldn't translate well word for word as a film. It is too speechy for the big screen and there is simply too much happening... the story would really have to be condensed for the characters actions to have any resonance. I'm generally not a big fan of ensemble pieces, as I don't like to jump around too much. This film is jumping about all through time giving you the backstory on just about everyone, and some of it is simply not important with what has been edited out. I'm a fan of the novel, (as much as one could be who basically despises superheroes) but this film fell really flat. In order to make a good film the director really needed to take liberties of the story and broaden something that was way too large in scope for even a 3 hour film. The director made a film to appeal to the fanboys and basically turned off the casual viewers. This is a big no no. the fanboys will see the movie no matter what, even if you completely change the story.. don't worry about catering to them, worry about everyone else.  Another thing that made the novel was so cool was the originality. There had never been another comic like it.... but now we have already seen "Sin City" and "Dark Knight" which stole a lot of thunder. Dark Knight also even touches on the subject of a hero playing a villain for the greater cause of mankind, which is touched on in Watchmen.

I had a strong feeling this movie would be a flop, and after a decent opening weekend I knew word of mouth would sink this ship by the second weekend. Heres the stats: "Watchmen dropped a hugely disappointing 78 percent from a week ago to bring in a mere $5.4 mil." This was truly the novel that could not be filmed... and now its showing that the statement was indeed true.

I heard people saying Watchmen should have been a mini series on HBO and I agree 100 percent. That would have been perfect and ideal and probably would have been one of the better shows in a long time.

BTW Malin Akerman (the chick who gets banged in the spaceship) is one of the worst actors I have seen this side of Nicholas Cage and the Anakin Skywalker kid. I thought she sucked in "Heartbreak Kid" and dont know why Hollywood has this hard on for her.

3.14.09

What happens when you have a dream that you constantly thrive for.... A dream you think about day and night and obsess over, always running around your thoughts and the topic of all your daydreams and fantasies. What happens when you finally obtain that dream and lose the passion for it? This has always been interesting to me... what then? A kid who practice basketball 24 hours a day, with Jordan posters all over his room. After years of practice and blood sweat and tears, he makes it to the majors... Then he realizes he no longer has the love for the sport... the passion is gone. Does he dare have the courage to quit and start over? This is a scenario I have been thinking about... mite make for a cool film.

3.13.09

Y0u learn something every day....

Today I learned that Yakuza gang members insert pearls in their dick.. What? Apparently, after every year they spend in jail they insert a pearl underneath the skin of the shaft of the penis. So the end effect is that the penis winds up looking like it has a bunch of mosquito bites. This enhances the sexual pleasure for both members. If you don't believe me just google "Yakuza Pearls". That shit is pretty insane. Imagine sitting in jail and your cell mate asks you to out a pearl into his dick skin.....

Interesting Shits...

Some tidbits from a cool site....


The story behind the Nike "swoosh" logo. Who came up with the infamous Nike "swoosh" logo? It was actually designed by a female Portland State University student who received $35 from the founder of Nike to create the logo. Yes, you read that right. A lousy $35. But after Nike became successful they decided to give her some stock in the company along with a gold Nike ring. The swoosh logo is supposed to represent the wing of the Greek Goddess "Nike" who was the Goddess of Victory.

Jordan almost became a New York Knick. In Spike Lee's book, Best Seat in the House, Spike tells the story of how in late 1996 he and MJ were talking after shooting a commercial together. Spike asked MJ if there was ever a chance he could have left the Bulls and gone to the Knicks. MJ said, "There was a chance." Spike couldn't believe it. MJ went on to say, "Before I signed with Chicago last year, after we won, it came down to 30 minutes. New York was right downstairs. The Bulls---all they had to do was mess up." What Jordan meant by that is if Jerry Reinsdorf, the owner of the Bulls, had made an insulting offer MJ would have walked away and signed with the Knicks. Thankfully, the Bulls offered Jordan $30 million for a one year contract and the legend continued.

Ask Sonic

Well this monthly feature has been missing here recently. Sonic is extremely hard to locate, and will only contact you when he is looking to "borrow" money. After numerous unanswered messages, Sonic finally responded to us and conducted this interview from a prison. He claimed he was serving a "bid" from some old weapon charges brought against him. He said he is in good health and spirits and "running shit inside like usual". Sonic also revealed that he had a lot of "friends" on the inside. Sonic is a known associate of the "Bloods" street gang, and flaunts his association by always wearing vibrant red sneakers.

Q.)       Dear Sonic,

            

What are some of your favorite television shows?

                                           From,

                                                  Cyndi

SONIC: I don't watch television much no mores... you know what I'm sayin? But when I do watch I like to check out ummm... "Real Sex" on HBO..... sometimes late night on Cinemax is some good shit too. I like my shows to have at least some fucking you know what I'm sayin? If there aint gonna be no fuckin', then why am I wasting my time watching when I can be out fuckin? Ya Smell Me? Besides for them I used to fucks with "Fraggel Rock".

3.8.09

What in the hell... In this video we have a drunk japanese guy playing Super Mario Land for Game Boy. He is as excited as one could be and "WOOO"s more then Ric Flair, plus he sucks at the game. If you can watch this whole thing you win a prize.

Internet Whores

Internet whores....

I love the internet... I spend a lot of time on the internet.. but I do not consider myself a internet whore. A internet whore is someone who fails to utilize the knowledge one can gain from the net. A internet whore is someone who spends all their time on Facebook, AIM, Myspace, and Twitter or some shit like that. Why are these sites popular? The same reason that tabloids and gossip mags are popular, because most people are nosy fucks and have poor self esteems. These social networks exploit both of these "needs". They make every joe schmo into a angelina jolie brad pitt with every body in their fucking business. What the hell is happening to privacy in this country? Especially with cell phones now, everyone knows what their friends are doing every second of the day... where is the mystery and intrigue? 

I never knew what Twitter was but have heard a lot of talk about it and decided to investigate it today. I watched an official video on it and pissed me the hell off. What it basically says is that your friends and family need to know what you are doing every minute of the day, and it is your obligation to update them even if you are "taking a shit".... because family members like to know things like that. "John is watching the Lakers" WHO GIVES A FUCK?! (Side Note: Someone told me I curse too much the other day... I totally disagree. To me curses are the "spice" to the english language. I like putting salt on my french fries... I like putting curses in my dialogue) All these social networking sites are doing are creating a generation of stalkers and nosey fucks. I really feel I am in many ways a throwback and have been born in the wrong generation. I  am also not fond of the pacing of movies and television today. Everything moves too fucking quick.... people have forgot the importance of suspense and tension. I'm still not sure if this is a global thing or American thing... I have not been out of the country yet. You know what the best day ever was... the blackout. I wish every fucking day was the blackout.

3.4.09

The levels of awesome about this can not be comprehended by our simple human minds. Two of the greatest thinkers of our generation have a livid debate about "Running" versus "Training".

http://www.runvstrain.com?debate=elivsyao

9.4.09

A lot of people remember Twisted Metal 2... one of the best games ever. Well here is a GREAT gem only found on the interwebz. This is the actual ending for Sweet Tooth that was filmed for the first PS game. The maker decided it was too cheesy and the live action endings were canned in the end. This is amazing and feels like I;m watching the "Killer Clowns from Outer Space". It is also obvious from seeing this where Heath Ledger got the inspiration for The Joker.

3.3.09

"My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live."

-Kanye West

3.2.09

The best part of hockey is the goalies mask... everyone knows this, even the most die hard of fans. Here are some of the coolest ones in the league... the one dude automatically wins for having Casey Jones on his.

NES Classics - Flea Market Games

I remember the good old days... When I was a kid you could buy video games for a quarter. For a fucking quarter! Today they are what... 70 bucks? Back in the day I used to go to the flea markets.... They had these big bins of all used Nintendo games, no boxes, just the cartridges thrown into a big friggin bin. I was a dumb little kid who would analyze these cartridges, trying to decide if a game was good or not based on the sticker image. There was no internet... I couldn't just pull out my iPhone and get a video game review to see if it was worth buying. Nope.... I had to rely on a little thing called instinct. 

So when I pulled out "Mighty Bombjack" I thought I had hit the fucking lotto. What is this?! A Viking man dressed up as a superhero fucking up mummys in Egypt?! I'm in! Thats advertising 101 right there... look at that picture and the title of that game... Mighty BombJack... are you telling me you don't want to play that? This game turned out to be real shit... but hey, you cant win them all.

Then there was this gem...

When I pulled this one out of the bin I think I got my first hard on. There is a game called Chubby fucking Cherub and you play as a naked kid?! I couldn't hand my money to the guy fast enough. Why would anyone in their right mind sell a game where a naked cupid stops burglars with kisses?

My obsession with obscure Nintendo games didn't end when Super Nintendo became the new top dawg. There was a place called Funcoland that would sell used NES games too. When you went there they would hand you a newspaper that had just about every game ever for Nintendo listed with a price. I was now buying games based on name alone. While most kids were buying Mortal Kombat, I was buying games called "Pestterminator". I would ask the poor store clerk for the rarest of games and they would have to look through crates upon crates for a piece of shit I was going to buy for a dime.... I loved the good old days.

3.1.09

Well apparently there is a blizzard or some shit going down right now. They say we are going to get 12 inches... that like a foot of snow I think... no f'n way... Never once have I've seen as much snow as the television predicts. I always wake up in the morning expecting to not even be able to look out my window as it will be covered in snow, but instead I see a old lady with a broom sweeping a few snowflakes off the sidewalk. I bet the same shit happens once again. Ain't no foot of snow is coming... bullshit!

I got this widget for the macbook, which is a alligator that puts random words together when you click on it.. for instance right now he is saying, "You remind me of my infinite tootbrush." And now when I click him he says, "Bobby Brown strides within topless crafts." What the fuck is the point of this thing.. to make me lose my mind?! What kind of crazy mind would create such a thing? 

The History Channel is obsessed with the Apocalypse. I'm watching the seven signs of the end right now and before it was giving me tons of reasons why the world will end in 2012. I've been hearing that year a lot lately for the end of times. Fuck it.... I want it to happen. If I'm going to die I want to go down with the rest of humanity. I want to go down like the fucking dinosaurs. It would be pretty cool to know that when i leave I ain't missing out on anything, because everyone else is dead. Its not like I die and then the next year the Knicks win the championship.

I DVR'ed the movie 10,000 B.C. I knew it would suck but I figured if I got really stoned and watched it in HD at least it would look cool... the price is wrong bitch! i could only stand this god awful piece of shit for 15 minutes before I had to shut it off. "Cavemen" starring Ringo Starr is more historically accurate, and thats not even a joke. These prehistoric nomads speak perfect english and fight creatures that were extinct long before they arrived. If you were going to do a movie like this at least do it correctly... fuck the dialogue completely. You think the people who paid to see this film care about a story? This film should of been an extended version of the beginning of a Space Odyssey 2001. Ape men fucking shit up while grunting.

Big Man Japan Trailer

Holy Shit... I think my brain exploded from levels of awesome that I can not comprehend. It's like someone was able to take my nightmares, rip them from my brain, and put them onto a film screen. When you buy a ticket to this film it should come with a joint.

2.24.09

I had to stop  at the bank and winded up parking in front of this very tiny internet cafe/computer store. It was a place I never noticed before, and behind the counter was a small Asian mad who looked sad as could be. Its a pretty safe assumption that this store is not doing good business, and I actually felt bad for this guy. I've been needing a Mac compatible USB storage device, so I figured why not give this guy business. One thing I've noticed about myself in my older age, is that I'm much more supportive of smaller businesses. I try to avoid big companies and go with cheaper and newer establishments or products. I feel that a lot of times a company like Sony has nothing to prove, where as a smaller newer company values you as a customer much more greatly.

So this place looked like the king of knock-off goods with about 6 computers by some brand I have NEVER heard of in my life. I've been lucky enough to own my own computer, and not have to visit a public internet cafe.... I never saw the appeal, I think it would be a little uncomfortable surfing through porn with a room full of people. This guy actually had a mac compatible USB which shocked the shit out of me... I figured I would just leave with a bootleg "Dark Knight" DVD. It came out to $19.00 bucks and I told him I would take it, he then started to punch in a ton of numbers into a calculator.  I don't know how he was figuring out the tax but it seemed like he was putting in the Quadratic Formula. "This much" he said and he showed me the calculator screen which read: 25.46790283940293   Huh? How the fuck am I suppose to pay that crazy number? I looked at it and said "What?" to which he replied, "What?" We then stared at each other in confusion for about 5 seconds. The point of the story is... wait, what the fuck is the point?

2.24.09

I've seen some more clips of "Watchmen" and read a shitload of reviews. I've gained a lot more hope,  but I still think it will not be able to live up to the way I imagined it in my head.

I simply feel that film I envision can not be made in todays day and age.  The film I want would have to have been filmed in the 70's.  My "Watchmen" would copy the tone, feel, and look of "Taxi Driver". If I was directing Watchmen I would dissect Taxi Driver and re-create that with superheroes. The costumes would be overly simple and awkward. I would purposely make them look cheap, homemade, and somewhat silly. These are real grown men dressed in crazy Halloween costumes fighting crime. I would have the actors make the costumes themselves. Where as Batman looks slick and cool in his costume, these guys would look out of place... the way a guy in real life would look running around fighting crime in spandex. The pacing of the film would be really slow too.... basically I would make a studio's nightmare. I would make a film involving super-heros that one would not dare call a "super-hero" movie. The action sequences would be nothing more then an afterthought.  Lets hope my instincts are wrong and this film really does the novel justice.

Shaq Attack 2

Shaq Attack

2.23.09

Fuck Amy Adams...

And I've just seen another clip from the "Watchmen" movie. God damn is it awful. It looks like the retarded child of the Matrix and the old Batman TV shows. Really crappy generic techno music mixed with an excessive use of slow motion. This clip pisses me the hell off because this director is missing the point and destroying a wonderful story. The heros are suppose to be old and past their prime... not kicking the asses of thousands of thugs. The fighting is suppose to be very realistic, not like some piss poor Jet Li film. In the novel these two characters are late 30's to early 40's... in this film its like two 20 year old kids. This story is the anti-superhero movie, not a cheap X-Men knock off. I can not wait until this film is eaten alive by critics.

MJ At the Oscars

Amy fuckin' Adams. I am not going to give the usual Oscar predictions here but rather tell a story... this story could be an awesome plot for a stoner comedy.. you could call it, "Chasing Amy" or rather, "Amy Fuckin' Adams". Heres the deal... one day I wake up and check my internets. On a bunch of sites I see a list of the Oscar winners which has apparently been leaked. I look it over not thinking much about it and forget about it. Flash forward a couple of days. I'm sitting in my house when the thought to gamble pops into my skull. Gamble on what tho? Football's over, baseball hasn't started, and basketball is very unpredictable... what else could I - Oh shit the Oscars! Oh Shit, I have a list of the winners! So we look over the gambling looking over odds and who do we see as the biggest longshot for Supporting Actress? Amy Adams. And she is also listed to win on the "leaked sheet". I have never been more excited for the Oscars in my life. When they announce best supporting actress my heart will be pounding more then Penelope Cruz. That ho better not win. If Amy Adams wins we are going to become Slumdog Millionaires.... hopefully by this time tomorrow I will be writing this blog from a tropical island.... screw that... I'm going to make Jurassic Park a reality. Thats what I will do with my money. I will make the Jurassic Park movie be "based on a true story".  You ever think about that.. what if I actually opened Jurassic Park and shit got out of hand and the dinosaurs started killing people like in the movie. Would that make the movie non fiction then? i just blew your mind.

Nintendo Classics - Toobin'

Today we will take a look at the NES classic, "Toobin'". Just looking at that "dude" above, I can certainly tell he was "hitting the tubes", it is very apparent he is stoned. There should be a disclaimer on this game to advise smoking pot before playing, as it becomes increasingly bizarre and racist, but we will get to that later.

So the story is some "dude" decides to jump in a tube with an unlimited supply of beer cans and just drift down a never ending river. All the while this dude fucks up the environment as much as humanly possibly by throwing empty beer cans at anything that moves. The game starts off in a normal river, while one evades alligators... soon enough however, we are fighting fucking aliens and UFO's and fucking robots and even the devil himself. My assumption is that this dude in the tube got bored after 5 minutes of paddling down a river and took some acid. This is the only way to explain why I am all of a sudden paddling down the river styxx. There is also a part where you go down an African river... it is here where some black "savages" who look like they have come straight out of a minstrel show, complete with huge red lips, shoot darts at you.

As children we all need role models... and this dude in the tube was one of mine. I thought his idea of a endless trip down a river in a tube while getting tanked was a genius idea. It was an idea I vowed to one day do myself. I also figured it was a great way ti see the world, and also experience great events in history via the time travel paddling in a tube seems to enable. The saddest part about all this is I'm not joking.

UPDATE: When I was writing this I was thinking to myself, "Man I would give my dick to play Toobin' again." Well, I was looking through my old playstation games and I found a game called "Arcade Party Pack" which contains "Toobin"! Fuck to the yeah. Lets get high on drugs!

Cell phones

In this era of cell phones, it is a very scary thing when the house telephone rings. As soon as the ring goes off, the whole house stops and looks at each other in bewilderment. "What the fuck sound is this I be hearing?!"  The faces depict terror, dismay, paranoia, and confusion. "Who would call the house and not my cell phone?!" The reaction it gets is the same as if someone went into the other room and screamed at the top of their lungs. "What could be wrong? Who is it? Has someone died? Did I fuck up my taxes?" Everyone is so stricken with fear that no one dare go to answer it. It's gotten to the point where no one will even check the caller ID to see who it is. The jury is still out on which brings the fear more.... House phone ringing or Draculas.