"So everyone starts with 5 die. Then first person to bid will say there are X (quantity) number of Y (face value) dice. This goes for EVERYONE's die. Now you either raise the bid, call bluff, or think the number bid was dead-on.
Now, if you call bluff and (say opponent said there are four die with face value of 5 out there as his bid) if there are at least the amount he bid (more is OK) is out there then you lose the die cause he wasn't bluff.
If you chose that the bid was dead-on and there are say more of the die then he bid, you will still lose a die because it's not a dead-on bid.
So, to make it short bluff its OK to under bid, but if you call someone's bid for being dead-on it has to be the EXACT amount the person bid.
It goes and goes until only one person is left.
--think its actually called Declare bid spot-on in actually game."
The intro to Growing Pains is the most genius thing I have ever seen. It is reminiscent of Nazi propaganda in its ability to warp the mind into fighting for something.. in this case this family.
Lets Break this down.
Ok... right in the beginning we see the family yelling at each other. This shows they are not your typical family... there is a little dysfunction.. but they aren't angrily yelling, more like "joshing".
Then they strike a normal pose for the camera... they put on the front of the perfect family for society to see.
Then we get this powerful fucking music and shots of every cast member thru different stages of their lives. Right there that makes us feel like we knew and grew up with these people our whole lives. Emotional attachment.
Also right before Mike Camerons name, one of his pictures of his him as a child making a goofy face... right there we know the character has a sense of humor and is the clown.
Then the family dispatches and we have Mike Cameron standing alone hamming it up. Now we know he is the star of the show. He tries to stand like he is the true man of the house, but then goes scampering after his family... showing he still needs them despite how he may act. PURE FUCKING GENIUS!
I can actually go even deeper into what each character is doing at present that says even more about them... this whole thing is probably boring you to tears... The mother is a business suit.. she's an independent working woman. Mike Cameron once again goofing off. The daughter on the phone chatting with her friends, typical teenage girl. The gay son looking like a stand up comedian doing a routine.... SOOOOOO FUCKING GENIUS!
When I was a kid I love video games. I would count down the days waiting for certain games to be released. Now a days, I'm a casual gamer at most. I play with myself alone (ha) and never do online gaming because I am revealed as the semi-brain dead ignoramus that I am... The point is.... Hmmm... Oh yeah.. this new game "Red Dead Redemption" (hate the title) is coming out this Tuesday and I'm pretty sure it will be the best game of all time. This game really must be considered a work of art. It is graphically the most impressive game I have seen... The scenery is breathtaking and filled with wildlife. This is a game you buy and don't actually play. You just ride around on the horse going up mountains and fucking shit up.... like Grand Theft Auto but with a horse... and in the wild west. Fuck doing missions. Shoot some bears. Play some poker. Hang some thieves.... just like my real life. You should be able to piss and shit in this game. Walk up to a wall or whatever and just take a leak.... and after a while you are forced to shit and you also have to feed your character. In this game you should also have to take your character to high school and GPA, and then get a boring job. That's why I want in my video game.... I want it to be true escapism.
Lebron wiping away tears as the real "King" of basketball AND 1 Mixtapes his ass
You know what is ruining sports? What is taking away from the mystique of the athlete... the aura... the legend? Stats. Stats and this fantasy sports shit are really taking away from the games. I'm sick of watching a game and being bombarded with all these stupid fucking stats.... "Only once in the history of basketball a guy wearing white sneakers scored 2 consecutive 3 pointers in Game 7 of a series." Who gives a fuck! You know who stats used to be for? Stats used to be for that creepy guy in the ballpark with his radio on and writing down every pitch in his notebook probably filled with doodles of male genitalia. Sports analyst has to be the dumbest job in the world... One guy says "I think the Mets will win", while another argues, "I think the Mets will lose." Imagine turning on the weather channel and having 2 guys arguing over wether it will rain tommorrow and presenting all these "stats" to enforce their argument. When one of these so called analysts makes a right prediction we hear them boast non stop... but they are never called out on all the HORRIBLE predictions they always make.
Lets go a step further... sports radio. Sports radio... especially here in NY, makes me realize the majority of humans are morons. After one loss they want a public execution of team. Then after 2 consecutive wins that team is winning a championship GUARANTEED. Why would ANY athlete want to play in New York besides for the extra money. Put me somewhere warm and tropical where everyone is enjoying life too much to give a fuck about sports... basically Shaq before going to Cleveland.
Now another problem with sports... players jump around from team to team WAY too much. Back in the day... you started with a team, you most likely finished with that team. There is no loyalty anymore to a state or city. You think A-Rod really gives a fuck about NY? Or Jose Reyes? As soon as the season ends they are probably on the first flight out of town. This is where I have to give the Yankees props... and trust me I hate to do that.. the Yankees have always been about homegrown talent from the days of DiMaggio to Jeter and Posada... and now they look like they are continuing the tradition with Cano and Granderson. Thats something I really enjoy... which brings me to Lebron. Lebron.... stay in Cleveland. You were born there.. you are their hero... they dont have much at all... you are Cleveland's whole economy. As a New Yorker we have enough... we have 2 teams in each sport. We got the Yankees, Jets, and possibly the Giants all on the verge of capturing a title....
And you know deep down if Lebron comes to the Knicks and wins the title it will still not be as good as the 94 Knicks Finals run.... even tho they lost. That team embodied the attitude of the city... gritty and willing to fight till the end. What will the Knicks be now? The Lebrons.. besides we all saw last nights game and Lebron James sucks now.
Hey! New York actually agrees with me! Check out the poll at the NY Daily News. The majority of votes are telling Lebron to stay in Cleveland. Yo Lebron! New York dont want ya!
For those who saw the Cavaliers game with them getting eliminated... tell me Lebron James did not seem like someone who was being threatened by the mob and being forced to throw the game against his will. He looked frightened on the bench. Then when the game ends he's telling his opponents secrets whispering in their ears, high fiving fans, and then looking like he was going to rip his jersey off and throwing it to the ground in the locker room. The Boston fans chanting "New York Knicks" at Lebron when he was at the free throw line was one of the most bizarre things I've seen in sports. I have seen very few teams quit like this one did. Down by 8 with like 1:30 on the clock and no one is fouling? What?
Mark My words right here.... Putting my guarantee on it...
LEBRON IS GOING TO NEW YORK........
BROOKLYN NEW YORK!
That is the exact way he should announce it at the press confrence.
Bout time I posted this here... if you haven't noticed I've been pretty much winning the internetz as of late. Theres been some real gems on here as of late. This is a great one filled with so much unintentional comedy it is a little scary... make that very scary. So lets break this summa bitch down...
0:30 - Why is our "host" gently rubbing that guys chest. He does it practically the whole video.
1:13 - His advice to Eli is to stay "walking cripple". This freestyle is for a highschool television show. A highschool television show where they refer to the mentally disabled as "cripples".
2:04 - Look at the guy in the middle
2:10 - If ANYONE can tell me what the hell he says you win my autographed Seal "Kiss From a Rose" single. My guess is, "This nigga soft like a nigga who did gym did the best." If that is indeed what he said then he is a bigger lyrical genius then I thought.
2:56 - "He like Rosie O'Donnell at a bisexual bible shower." I'm assuming he meant bridal, but I heard bible. I'm not sure what exactly he means by this, but I do know it deserves a "Ohhh!" from the audience.
3:09 - "This dude like that, he ran in front of the cat". Oh.
3:41 - My favorite part. So much awesome at one single time. First you have the two guys in the heart holding hands looking like they are on a date. Then you have Eli claiming that he said "freaking". Maybe if freaking was spelt f-u-c-k-i-n-g.
3:48 - Listen to the guy in the yellow polo, "He said a bisexual". After everything you just witnessed, the funniest thing you found was someone uttering the word bisexual. My head would have fucking exploded if I witnessed this live.
3:51 - Listen to the host, "That was great! It HAD to be better then last time." What the hell could have possibly occurred last time?
I thought the new "Nightmare on Elm Street" pretty much kicked ass. It's the first movie of the series where your not rooting for Freddy Kreuger to slaughter those annoying teens. Freddy is a pedophile to the max. Even the biggest Kreuger fan would have to admit this new version is a mother-fucker... He's like Rothlessberger with knives for fingers.
Heres how I feel I greatly improved my experience of this film.... by watching a bootleg cam version of it. It really made it feel like I was watching a film from the 90's. The film was not overly sleek and had this cool grainy look to it.... No HD, no mega special effects. This is what Tarantino tried to achieve with "Grindhouse". I'm pretty certain I would have not nearly enjoyed this movie as much if I had saw it in the theatre. So basically... go see this movie.. no wait.... go watch this movie illegally on a website like ninjavideo.net .
The pic above are the Kreuger Nike kicks I would have been wearing right now if they did not get canned. You can still cop a pair for like 2,000 bucks.
Oh great... Lawrence Taylor has just been accused of raping a 15 year old girl in a hotel room. What the hell is going on in pro sports? Maybe he's not guilty... but what the fuck was he doing in a hotel room with a 15 year old girl?! I love people who defend this shit by saying, "He's an athlete, why do you care what he does off the field/court/course?" No... your good at football, you should get a free pass to go rape whoever you want. "Hide your mothers and daughters Big Ben is in town.... and he is now legally allowed to rape!" I'm sorry... if I think someone is a scumbag I can not root for them, even if they are on my team. I loved LT, I'm a huge Giants fan, but fuck him if its true... 15?! What is wrong with these athletes? They have so much trouble getting laid that they have to resort to rape, prostitutes, and children? Tiger Woods must be loving this, it makes him look like a saint. Even Big Ben.... he at least does his raping in bathroom stalls in sleazy bars with women, not in hotel rooms with children. Even if she lied.... you have to check I.D.'s now a days.... your a big star, girls will look at you and see a lawsuit. I don't see anyway what so ever LT can beat this charge...
The only defense I can think of is if LT, who is 51 years old, claims he has dyslexia , and thought he himself was actually 15.... Case closed.
"Minus The Bear" just released their new album entitled "Omni". This album is certainly not for everyone, and even some past fans of Minus will hate it. Here is what one scathing review had to say,
"Omni does in fact have the pop and sheen that would make the most anonymous of 1980s corporate rockers proud. But for the most part, the combination of drop-D riffs and antiseptic production conjures a grunge band covering the Police."
What?! I have personally never heard a better review. I absolutely love 80's rock, grunge band's, and the Police. That's basically saying this album throws three of my favorite things into a pot and mixes them up. Where do I sign up? I personally think this album is genius and sexy as hell. I can honestly not stop listening to it and have had many of these songs stuck in my head. It is catchy as hell with enough integrity to not make you embarrassed to listen to it. First you must realize that this album is light funk - pop - sex. I honestly love every track on this record and plan on bumping it for the whole summer. Definitely check it out before buying... some will straight up hate it. This album is honestly one of the sexiest I have ever heard.
Today I received an e-mail from a one "Shawn M. Higgins". The subject read, "Greetings from Japan". As soon as I read Japan I became petrified as any normal American would. What does that country want from me? Who sent this? Where Am I?
I slowly opened the e-mail... this is what it read...
Hello I'm Mr. Tomo Sand Nori of , Tokyo Mitsubishi Bank,Japan.I have a bussiness proposal for you. If intrested Contact me via my secured email: mrtomo2002@w.cn
NowI have been called a lot of things in my lifetime... "Douchebag", "Asshole", "The Male Cunt", but Mr. Tomo Sand Nori is not one of them. What is this "business proposal", is that slang for gay sex? How many people fall for this scam? Can you imagine some white trash trailer park hick fresh off of learning the interwebz getting this e-mail? They think, "Shit.. this must be some rich Jap... this idiot thinks I'm him... I'm do business and make the money!" Then a Kid Rock looking mother fucker shows up claiming to be Mr .Tomo Sand Nori? I enjoy shit like this way more then I should.
What in the blue hell is going on in Canada, Eh? These are the freaking game shows they watch? This is beyond uncomfortable. According to this video the name of the game show is "Kisses Just like Mom". What?!
Sorry, Aunt Flo came to town. Imagine a guy really had a Aunt Flo and would say that often and other guys really thought he had his period. Lets look at the picture above...
It fascinated me. This is really what's going to happen in the future. Guys will be so desensitized by crazy, weird, bizarre, kinky porn that they will no longer be able to achieve a hard-on via "normal" means of sex. The only actual penetration will occur during the making of porn or baby-making. Everyone will just rely on masturbation or the sex of robots. Yup. Robots only made strictly for performing sexual acts. We are bout 4 years away from this people. Are you happy now whiz kids?! Yeah you laugh now, but don't even pretend you would not wind up having sex with a robot. You wake up after a night of drinking next to a girl who is a 10 and the first thing you think is, "Please dont be a robot.. please dont be a robot.." Do you think it would kind of be like finding out a woman is really a dude? I'm sure anti-robot sex protest groups would form too.
A lot of people ask me what is the single most douchebaggy thing a person can do. I had to think long and hard... This is what I feel is by far, "The Douchiest Thing Ever".
When someone says to you you have a stain on your shirt and points. Then when you look down they raise their finger up so that it awkwardly touches face and they usually yell "Whoooops!" or something of that nature. This is usually performed by creepy Uncles. What the fuck is the point of this. No one likes getting their face touched.. and the persons finger practically goes up your nose. Its just plain old weird. I would rather someone say, "look there is a stain on your shirt' and then when I look down they slap me in the face.
I love how the KFC Double Decker is gaining so much popularity. The same goes for the "Baconinator" and these other fast food nightmares. Every commercial is the same for these mammoths. In the commercial, it starts with a consumer (mostly always male...I do NOT want to meet a woman who regularly eats "Wendys Baconators") who is complaining about never being full. "I eat one chicken sandwich and fries and I'm still hungry as a mother fucker." Now heres' whats weird... None of these people in the commercial are fat asses; However their hunger is such that KFC had to go invent a new sandwich that replaces bread with chicken... to silence the growling of their stomachs. Why are these fucks so hungry? There are millions of people starving all over the world and these guys are angry because one chicken sandwich does not fill them up. Heres a crazy idea... why don't you eat just enough.. enough not to stuff yourself to the point where you are about to shit and throw up simultaneously. I thought this country was trying to get healthy again? If anything it should be smaller portions for much cheaper, instead of these "perversions" that seem to be made for shock value. I used to eat "Biggie", "Super Size", and any other largest size french fries when I was younger, but then I grew up and realized how you got to fuel up with Premium Gas if you consider yourself a luxury car. Occasionally I will still eat fries, but small is just the right size. I can barely imagine eating anything larger anymore. If you are even the slight bit health conscious, think back to when you were a kid and had a metabolism like a rabbit on coke. Think about how much you would eat. Crazy right?
Athletes are going "fuck" crazy. They are fucking anything that walks... Hide your wives and daughters.... cause Big Ben Rapelessberger is coming to town.
I love how Tiger Woods got pussy like a Asian/Black James Bond and 2 time Super Bowl winner Big Ben is forced to lowly rape. Girls come out of the woodwork to brag about being "worn out" by Tiger, while girls come out to talk about Big Ben doing yager bombs and raping in a dirty bathroom in a dive bar. I was just reading the report on Big Ben's latest encounter and I can't help but feel for the guy... This girl seems like she set the big loaf up...This one tidbit made me question her integrity..
•The alleged victim was wearing a nametag labeled "DTF" When asked, she said it stood for "down to fuck." Roethlisberger replied, "I'm not down to fuck, but I like to fuck girls."
Hmmm... She was wearing a nametag that said "Down to Fuck". Stay classy Ponyboy. My favorte part of this tidbit tho is Big Ben's response.... 'I'm not down to fuck, but I like to fuck girls.". Read that line again but now picture big giant doofy Rapelessberger muttering that while cock-eyed drunk. Is that suppose to be smooth? What does it even mean? "I'm not down to fuck, but I'm down to rape you in that bathroom back there."
Did you read that? Jesus H. Christ. What parent could do such an evil thing to their child? I would not wish such a ft on my worst enemy. To get stalked by a clown for an entire week, who is setting traps for you and harassing you with texts and phone calls? What the hell is that? And what kind of sick pervert is dressing as a clown and do this? Parents are paying a sicko to stalk their child. Next thing you know, this "clown" will start molesting the children as part of the "Birthday Gift". This Chomo should be thrown in jail and they should throw away the key.
And I love how the company justifies this by saying, "Well he's not allowed to break into the child's house". Oh ok. That makes everything fine. He can just follow him around while he is in school. What kind of sicks world is this?
Just saw this segment on "Dateline" which I found hilarious. There was this very popular male weatherman, named George Kessler, at a local news station. He gave off a swamry-douchey bastard type of vibe, but he was well liked by viewers. So one day he goes and listens to his answering machine and there is a insane man named cursing him out; "I'm a man, Mr.Kessler. not some fuckin' ass-faggot homosexual, do you understand me?"
This was the voice of Shon Thorson. Further investigation found out the man had just been released from a mental institution and was having hallucinations. Whenever he would watch the weather report, things would start off normal with the anchor simply reading the weather. Then the visions would start and the anchor would begin talking directly to this nutjob. He would threaten him and proposition him for gay sex, then begin calling him a faggot. Is it just me or is that pretty funny? Can you imagine some sick bastard watching the news and having a typical douchey weatherman turn and look directly at him and start asking him for a blowjob?
So what happened? They married each other in a same sex wedding in Connecticut.... Sadly I'm just joking. The truth is much more gruesome.... The psycho blew the weathers face off with a shotgun and them anally sodomized his corpse on a homemade "sex bench" for about 30 minutes. After he finished he blew his own brain out. Ha Ha! Just kidding! (Sorry about that, I just watched a movie about Dorothy Stratten) I guess they are living in harmony now, the story didn't really say. Here is a link to a news article about it....
(Note: I came up with the title while writing this and really liked it. Wouldn't you want to see a movie named "The Sickest Joke"? It sounds like the name of a Goosebumps book. On the cover is a kid laying in a hospital bed on life support and outside his door is a young boy and girl giggling. R.L Stein if your reading...)
Something really weird on the Netlix Instant Que...
I added the Marlon Brando film, "A Streetcar Named Desire". I figured since "On The Waterfront" is one of my faves, I should really finally see this classic. So I fired up the popcorn, fired up the pot, took a seat on the couch and got ready to enjoy.
It begins in crisp color. Hmmm.. Now where in Northern Afghanistan with a archeologist digging threw some dirt. He finds a bizarre demon relic. This is pretty odd. Not what I expected from "...Desire". They are talking about evil now... this reminds me a lot of "The Exorcist". I stop it to make sure I didn't select the wrong film.... It claims to be "A Streetcar Named Desire". The description reads; "Girl meets Brando in New Orleans". So I replay it. Same professor now being assaulted by terrorists. Now I'm thinking, "Fuck I'm high." Finally after about the first ten minutes I realize this is definitely "The Exorcist". What kind of sick fucking joke is this Netflix?! I can picture dumbasses (spellcheck suggest I replace this with embassies) telling they're friends, "Dude you got to see "A Streetcar named Desire", its scary as shit!" Go on your Netflix and check it out if they have not already fixed it.
BTW: Did the makers of the Ouija board luck out by "Exorcist" or what? The girl plays an officially licensed version of this before getting possessed. How many people you think went out and bought this after the movie looking to get possessed by a demon? As a kid, I figured this "Ouija Board" that lets you talk to the devil must surely be illegal... probably sold on the Black Markets of Singapore where the mere whisper of its name gets you caned. So when I finally saw it in Toys 'R Us, I was never more disappointed in my life. Thats when I realized the Devil is corporate, and Toys 'R Us was playing the sickest joke on us all.
Just started watching "Moon" and it hit me... in every movie when a computer talks it is either a well spoken man or woman who is overly polite with no emotion what so ever in their voice. It kind of sounds like the Yuppies in Brooklyn. Did "Space Odyssey" start this? My GPA device, the voice is that of Richard Simmons. It can't direct me to go straight tho.... HA HA . It discourages me from driving straight tho... Ha Ha! See what I did there.
I was thinking... with the advancement of technology, every new device seems to talk. I swear my toothbrush now even talks when I'm "doin' work" (thats slang for brushing my teeth). With all these talking appliances I feel like I'm in a future version of the "Flintstones". Hmmmm... a future version of the Flintstones cartoon... someone should do that.
The new Youtube sucks. The Youtube layout was something that did not need changing. Now you can't give a video a star rating, you either give thumbs down or thumbs up. At least you have a choice... In the world of Facebook you either like something or too fucking bad. Remain silent. You don't think this is done on purpose? And how come the government keeps putting secret listening devices in my cereal.
Speaking of which.... You ever notice how every crazy person or druggie thinks they are being watched and spied on by the government. Why the hell does the government need to watch THEM and their lunacy. It would be funny if the government actually was watching them with the newest spy technology. "Lets test out these new chips on "PCP" Dan.... no one will believe him.
This morning I am awoken from my slumber by my father. He's shaking me awake while holding a phone and talking to someone. He says to me "Dad, wake up! Dad, wake up!"
At this point I'm thinking one of us has lost their god damn minds. Why the fuck is he calling me Dad.
"Dad, whats your e-mail address?"
What the fuck is wrong with this man? I begin to laugh at how absurd this is.
"Hold on Miss one second."
I realize he is trying to pose as me to some telemarketer or some shit. I'm laughing hysterical.
"Hold on Miss he can't always remember his e-mail."
Now I'm laughing harder. I'm picturing my 50 year old father walking over to his sleeping 80 year old father (if he was still alive) and shaking him awake. Then proceeding to ask him, "Dad what's your e-mail?"
Then this handicapped man struggling to remember.. "Hmmm.... J .... what else was it?" "JBotz... and then a 4 and a 2 at the aim dot com."
SIDE NOTE: I've heard my own grandpa use the phrase, "What is this dot com bullshit!" at least like 50 times.
My dad covers the phones speaker his hand and whispers LOUDLY to me "Mikey, your screwing me up here!"
I can just picture this 50 year old man saying to this 80 year old man, "Mikey, your screwing me up here!" What is this woman on the other line thinking? He calls his 80 year old dad "Mikey"?
Anyway he was calling Amazon to try and return a package shipped to me that I ordered him. They wanted to send me a confirmation e-mail. Why did he feel the need to pose as me... I do not know... maybe because the package was shipped to my name on my credit card? Mystery.
I'm 25 now. At the age of 25 Lebron James has played in the NBA and won an MVP award. At the age of 25 I just learned how to successfully make grilled cheese. What the fuck am I doing with my life? I should of never quit Journey.
The other day I was really really high. I was relaxing and listening to one of my West Coast gangster rap records. One rapper said the following line, "Is you sick from the dick, or is it the flu?" I do not know why but that literally killed me. Imagine the response to this question... "No.. I'm pretty sure its the flu." I also like how it is two possible things that can be making you sick.... not that bad fish. You either have the flu or that dick got to you.
I was at "The Cheesecake Factory" today and it was like a night of 1,000 stars. First off I see this sickly think looking blonde come walking in. She was chain smoking like a champion and texting 24-7. These are the characteristics of a hollywood party girl; "textin, smokn, being thin". Guess who..... Tara Reid. My waiter didn't believe me so I bet him 5 dollars and he went and got her autograph and it was her. But oh it gets better.... much better.
I look over to the entrance and see a giant bizarrely dressed black man with tons of tatts and piercings. He was also about 6 foot 7. Holy shit... is that Dennis Rodman... Rodzilla? Where am I on "Celebrity Rehab"? He then proceeds to point directly at me. I don't know what to do and give an awkward wave. "No not you... the girl... tell her to come over here." This white teenage girl with her family gets up and walks over to him. When she returns she says that he told her she had nice skin and gave her a kiss. He then walks past my table and all the table making sure to greet everyone that is sitting. He then whips out a cigar that is honestly about 2 feet long and begins smoking.
I ask my waiter about him and he says he comes in all the time and is a real nut job. He says he yells and causes a scene and runs up a huge tab. Then he dips out without paying and goes to a nearby restaurant and does the same. It was funny that this was such a common occurrence that all the waiters tried their best to steer clear and avoid him.
One of Tigers Ho's (she was a porn star... I cant believe it) just released a shitload of new texts from Tiger. They do not disappoint. If you get a chance watch the newest South Park episode that features Tiger. It is genius.
Tiger:Sent: 04″02 PM 08/29/2009: I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009: Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009: You are my fucking whore Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009: Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009: Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009: Where do you want to be bitten Tiger:Sent: 04:24 PM 08/29/2009: Ok. Now your talking. Whatever i want. You are mine
Tiger:Sent: 05:15 PM 08/29/2009: I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth Tiger:Sent: 05:18 PM 08/29/2009: We will see how bad you want me Tiger:Sent: 05:26 PM 08/29/2009: Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy
This is why I think Voicemails suck. Take that back. Voicemails are the single worst thing in human existence... even worse then mosquitoes and Draculas. Name one person you know who enjoys checking their voicemails.... You can't... Doesn't exist. Listening to your voicemails is like taking a 3 minute S.A.T..
But why? There is simply too much time for preparation. The women talks and re-tells you the same exact number you fucking dialed seconds ago... Number by slow, excruciating, number. Thanks for re-telling me the number I just fucking dialed Beatrice! By the time you can finally talk its been like 3 minutes. When your words come out, it is so rehearsed and thought out it seems like your reading off a cue card. The President prepares less for his speeches.
Look at the creature above and tell me you don't recognize that person.
That is the crossing guard by my house. A slobbish woman who gossips all day. A couple of teachers I had. The guy who writes jokes for the Oscars and is on Hollywood Squares. Say hello to "The Whiner".
Is it just me or do sloths look like they smoke a lot of weed? In every one of these pictures this mofo looks blazed. They might truly be the weirdest looking creatures on the planet. I'm going to make a superhero named "Slothman" who dresses up as one of them and climbs buildings with his claws. When he's not stopping crime he enjoys the marijuana and surfing.
I got to pay the bills. I'm going to start advertising here and this is the first one. I fully endorse this product... You can take a fat middle aged woman and turn her into a smoking hot underage girl. You can drop 21% and body fat and about 25 years. Don't you want to whisper sweet nothings into her ear?
Well the Oscars are over and here is your list of winners....
BEST PICTURE
"Rock of Love 2"
I don't really agree with this one... My biggest problem is that it isn't actually a movie but a television show. It was shocking when it got announced since it wasn't even nominated.
BEST ACTOR
"Macho Man" Randy Savage in "WrestleMania 3"
Pretty spot on with this one.
BEST ACTRESS
Mo'Nique
The shock was not that she won but when they announced what role she won for... it was not for "Precious" like everyone expected, but for "Soul Plane". (True Story.... When I wrote this I put "Soul Plane" as a joke thinking she wasn't in it... just looked it up and she actually was in it.)
But seriously thank god Avatar didn't win... If I had my way "Where the Wild Things Are" would of took top honors. And how hot is Helen Mirren still? She's what now... like 74? That is a Gilf.
Modern Family is the best show on television right now. Just watched one episode and this makes "The Office" writing look sloppy. The dialogue is some of the tightest and best I have ever seen. The writing is unpredictable, and despite seeming a little wacky it times it stays pretty grounded in reality. It also has a ton of heart and does not rely on crude or shocking humor. This truly is must see TV.
I was at my local flea market and I stumbled across this backpack? Care to explain?
Love,
Timmy
West Virginia
SONIC: Fuck... I knew that shit would come back to haunt me. You know you got a drug problem when your bootlegging your own god damn shit to get a fix. I was shocked that I'm not that big of a seller no mores... so I added the two things kids love most in this world... Harry Potter and Obama. I had to stop selling them shits cause some gook kids got seizures watching it in motion because of all the colors. God damn was I high when I made that shit.
Blowjobs were such a common occurrence in this building a sign was needed to prevent them. Apparently the only things you can't do in this building are suck d's and listen to the radio.
Oh Fuck is right...... Martin Lawrence now has 6 fingers. Actually none of these comments were that witty... Zach Galifinakis is hosting SNL this Saturday be sure to watch!
This song is pimp... Bobby Womack is telling his best friend not to go on business trips because he is going to fuck his wife... and to make it even better his best friend appears to be Apollo Creed. The point is Bobby Womack WILL fuck your wife.
In this one episode of South Park someone makes a composite sketch of the characters. When they show it you see how the kids would look if they were real. I thought it was pretty cool... live action South Park movie? God I hope not.
"If you take [a copy of] the Christian Bible and put it out in the wind and the rain, soon the paper on which the words are printed will disintegrate and the words will be gone. Our bible IS the wind."
- I asked a fellow dude, "How many pounds is your medicine ball?" And then there was awkward silence as I realized that might have been the gayest sentence I ever uttered. I quickly added a "No homo" and resolved the tension.
- How come we park in a drive-way and drive on a parkway? Why is it called a toilet when everyone pisses in the sink?
- I don't know why people get such a hard-on for cold pizza. Call me odd but I like my pizza hot. I also don't get the whole drinking milk with pizza either.
- Where is Womens Rights Group man? Where is the pride woman had a fight for my rights and all that heresay? Women need to seriously fight back against the image being presented of them. They should be angry about being portrayed as whores in music, film, and television. Shouldn't women be protesting girls gone wild? And I know what your thinking, " Oh MJ what the hell?! Are you gay?! Then there wont be anymore party girls!" Fuck girls. Its all about women. The sexy established business women with class is a much better fuck then that drunk Whoreverfeild Monster in the corner of the bar. I want to ravish them completely. I want to devour them to the point of ecstasy. Listen to Mike....
If you are not watching Olympic Curling then you are missing out on the most suspenseful, intense sport on television right now. The last 4 United States games have all gone to overtime and have all come down to the last shot. The last shot has been performed by the same guy and he has missed it all 4 times. They haven't even been difficult shots. This is the biggest choke job I have ever seen in sports. This guy is seriously going to wind up hanging himself.
