6.22.08

This man above is the single reason why the Mets are entertaining this season. Jerry Manuel, the new Mets manager is out of his friggin mind. I first realized this at his introductory speech as manager where made the comment, "Gangstas on the field, woman on the bus." Some reporter was talking loud and he yelled at him, "YO! YO! Take that outside man!" I knew right away this was the manager we needed. The other day Reyes threw a tantrum and Jerry Manuel made one of my favorite comments ever about it: "I told him the next time he does that, I'm going to get my blade out and cut him right on the field. I'm a gangsta." That is awesome. I don't think any other manager has threatened to cut a player. He then went on to refer to Reyes as a woman saying, "She acted up with me, and she had a day off." Now just today he is quoted as saying that angry Mets fans are fertilizer....basically pieces of shit. This guy is really helping to liven things up.

6.21.08

Something that always bothered me as a kid. Sea Worlds big attraction is the whale named Shamu. He's a pretty cool guy I guess. But here's what gets me....when I asked what kind of whale Shamu is..."Oh...he's a killer whale." What?! How can he be friendly? The name of his species starts with the word "Killer"!  If you fell in the water that motherfucker would KILL you...no hesitation. The photo above is obviously doctored...cause that girl would be in two pieces if that was real. Bottom Line is this... Shamu is cool, but just realize what he is. He is a stone cold killer. He would and wants to kill you. Enjoy him but be cautious.

6.21.08

I will no longer talk to anyone who goes and sees this piece of shit in a theatre. Mike Meyers sucks. Austin Powers sucks....bottom line. Every article I've read from every person that has worked with him has said that Mike Meyers is a pompous piece of crap of J.Lo proportions. Every review of this movie says it is GOD AWFUL. Just look at the friggin preview....he is re-hashing Austin Powers and that god awful drunk midget is back in it. Thats same dwarf who pissed on the floor on the surreal life. I feel very passionately about this and I wan't this movie to flop terribly. Please America! Prove to me this country is not as dumb as some think and lets this movie BOMB. Godspeed.

6.20.08

How do I feel about the Mets? I can't post my true feelings about the team without dropping every curse word in the book and creating 3 new ones. They are on equal level with the Knicks right now, and that is FAR from a compliment. Thank god for my Giants, because New York sports doesn't give me much too cheer. I just pray that when I have kids and they are growing up, the will be able to witness some great new york sports teams....like the Knicks when I was a kid in '94. What does have me amped however is this new Ghostbusters game coming out for XBOX360 and PS3 I think. It was written as a movie script but since they are old fags now, they realized they needed a new medium. So what we have now is this bad ass game that is going to be voice acted by everyone form the main cast...including Mr.Bill Murray. If that doesn't get your pulse racing then go check into a morgue.

I had a weird dream the other day....A lot of my friends who come from a family with a lot of siblings were suddenly becoming homeless. The costs of college and all that, and the slipping economy actually forced them to live homeless for a couple of months until a government check would come and allow them to get a cheap apartment. I was fortunate, being an only child, and was able to afford an apartment. I felt terrible for my friends however and even considered going homeless with one of them...but in the end pussied out. The thing was that secret homeless societies were being set up in the subways. I agreed to take my friend there to check it out and to eventually leave him there. What I saw was terrible... with rampant drug use, murder, rape, rats and filth everywhere, and everything else bad you could think of. I tried to convince him it was not that bad and go the hell out of there ASAP. Back in my apartment I was haunted by what I had seen. Time then seemed to jump and my friend finally had enough money to move into a small apartment. I went to visit him and was frightened about how much he changed for the worse. He was a shell of his former self. The dream ended with me realizing we would no longer be friends again. Try analyzing and breaking that one down.

6.19.08

I love the word "nigger". I would never say it however, and thats the beauty behind it. When white people are outraged and say, "who can only the blacks say it?", to me that is one of the funniest things a white person can say. Do we have to take everything away from them? It is genius what they have done...to take a negative word we invented, put a new spin on it, and play keep away with it. White people love stealing things from other cultures....music, food, you name it. Lets be honest here, slaves were owed 40 acres and a mule and they got nothing! The least we can let them have is the word "nigger". And when I hear white kids saying it trying to be cool...its like a dagger into my heart. And if your a black person...please dont allow your white friends the "lee-way" to say nigger around you. i dont care if it ends with an "a". Thats my final ruiling on the word "nigger" or "nigga". Only for black people, and absolutely not for any white people....despite how cool you are with black people. Now on Spanish people using the word...thats a whole nother issue.

6.17.08

John C. Reily deserves a f'n Oscar for his performance as Dr. Steve Brule, the socially awkward, semi-retarded journalist. Here is one of the better skits.

6.17.08

I am an Obama supporter. If I actually went out and voted, I would vote for him. Oh my god! *GASP* Yes its true, I have never voted and probably never will. I do not want my voice to be heard, I want Puffdaddy to come and make me die. I don't know why the media has such a hard on with making everyone vote lately....who gives a fuck? I think most people shouldn't be allowed to vote, especially those ass backwards hicks in the South who love war. Me personally, I wouldn't mind a group of the smartest people in the U.S. who have many meetings and decide the president for us....sort of like how the Pope is decided. I know people might say my views are shocking and Un-American but I know a lot of people agree with me.

Anyway...the reason why I'm a Obama supporter.... it's because he's black. I enjoy seeing odd things happen. A black president is something I didn't think I would see for a LONG time, and I think its pretty cool. I would also love to see the faces on those racist hicks when he is elected. I don't like Hillary but it would be funny if she was Vice President too. A Black president and a white woman vice president. The KKK members would shit a brick! I supported Schwazanegger for the same reasons. I found it hilarious Arnie was gonna be governor. It might not be the best choice, but it certainly is the most interesting. If Obama doesn't win now, I don't think we will see a black president for a long time. I don't feel the world is really there yet to accept this...the only reason I feel it is happening is because of unusual circumstances....stuff like 9/11 and Iraq. People hated Bush so much that they will accept anything....even a black man or a woman. Sadly I'm predicting McCain will win.

Dock Ellis - Hero

Who is this man? Its Dock Ellis... an American Hero. Why is he a hero.... he threw a no-hitter...while on acid! Amazing! Outlandish! Supernatural! Apparently he was just chilling out at home with his girlfriend dropping some acid. He didn't realize he had a game that day until she looked at the paper and saw he was pitching in a couple of hours. I love how unorganized baseball was back then, the players didn't even know when it was game day. So anyway he decides to go pitch and throws a fucking no hitter. Here he is reminiscing...

"I can only remember bits a pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria. I was zeeroed in on the [catcher's] glove, but I didn't hit the glove too much....The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the cathcher, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down while I was looking at him."

How awesome is it when your acid flashback is a no hitter in the majors?

6.13.08

R. Kelly has been found NOT GUILTY on all accounts. Thats right. I don't know how the hell the "Lesbian R & B Thug" pulled this one off. His defense actually used the film "Little Man" as evidence that you can superimpose someone's face onto a different body. This has to rank right up there with O.J. Simpson. It is a great day and calls for celebration.

6.12.08

Not much to say today...Just thought I would post this genius of photography here. I don't know how this pic came about, but I know I would love to. Was it a planned picture? Was it a spur of the moment capture? Is this old man just a pervert? Does he grab his crotch often? And where the hell was this picture taken? on the set of "How the West was won"? These are answers I need to know. They say every picture tells a tale....I say BULLSHIT!

6.11.08

True Story....while I was out in California I got busted by a cop while riding dirty with some weed. He gave me a ticket. The problem now is they want me to travel back to California to attend court. No way Jose. So they told me to write a letter to the judge. Here is that letter:


To Whom It May Concern,


I am writing this in regards to a ticket I received in the state of California. I have enclosed a photocopy of the ticket. I am from Queens, New York and was on vacation in the Newport Beach area. One of the nights I was pulled over by an officer while in possession of some weed. He knew we were blazing seconds earlier because of the stench of the car. He even said the line, and I swear on my life on this, "It smells like Cheech and Chongs bedroom in there." He wrote me a ticket and told me I would have to pay a fine. It was at this time I asked him if I could mail in the payment, to which he responded yes. However, now I am receiving letters saying that I must attend court. It is not possible for me to travel back to California to make the court appearance, I am poor and gas prices are too high. What I am asking is if I can plead guilty to the charge, and be dealt the punishment or fine, without having to travel back to California. I really didn't do anything wrong as I was just blazing. On top of it all the officer really killed my high. Your help would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Michael Johnston

6.11.08

Click on it if you cant read it.

6.10.08

I enjoying talking to people like I'm 80 years older then I actually am. I enjoy starting a sentence with, "Back in my day....." Back in my day we had cassettes, none of this itunes. We couldn't just download one song, we had to buy the whole album! And if you wanted to hear a certain song, you couldn't just push a button, but had to search for it for about half an hour. Isn't that crazy? It took me longer to find a song then to now download an entire album. Shit....when I was a kid there was no internet. I'm very happy I grew up as a kid without the internet. The internet ruins childhoods. I don't see any kids playing out on the streets anymore. I remember we used to live on the block....playing baseball, basketball, manhunt, you name it. I remember coming home and turning on ESPN and waiting through every NCAA score and what not to see if the Knicks won. I couldn't just turn on my computer and find out in a second. I miss these simpler times. I actually used to have to go to this thing called a library to find out information. Everything is so fucking easy now a days. And we wonder why everybody is so fat. Its getting weird.....I can't even imagine what is to come. I don't even want to imagine.

MJ At the Movies....

You don't mess with the Zohan. You really don't. One of Adam Sandlers best films that ranks right up there with Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison. This is vintage off the wall Sandler, with one of his most random films yet. The comedy is raunchy and edgy and doesn't pull no punches. The supporting cast is amazing with John Toturro, Rob Schneider and Michael Buffer. Yes...the "Lets Get Ready to Ruuuumble" guy. I don't know who the hell decided to cast him as a rich evil prick, but it was genius. I can't praise this film enough, the writing is excellent, (Sandler, Smiegel (Triump the Insult Dog), and Apatow (Superbad) ) and every joke just seems to hit. I haven't laughed this loud for a film in a while. If you like Sandler this is a must see film, even die hard Sandler fans I saw it with agreed this is one of his best.

6.08.08

HA HA HA! This Big Brown finished DEAD LAST at the Belmont Stakes! HA HA! Everyone was so amped he was gonna win the Triple Crown and he finishes dead friggin last. This has to be one of the biggest chokes in sports history. Looks like he is heading to the glue factory. I always thought people were BS'ing me when they said horses turn into glue...maybe it is BS, who knows? I could give a damn about horseracing, and when everyone was talking about Big Brown I just figured they were talking about my penis....but the fact that he finished dead last actually makes this story interesting to me.

Hottest Chicks 2K8

HOTTEST CHICKS 2K8

1. Hayden Pattentrie - or as I call her, Hidden Penetration. I told you she was going to get big last year. Well now she is numero uno on top of the list. The sad thing is woman are not like wine....they do no get better with age. Get her while shes young....Legally 18 I think.

2. Megan Fox - What a Fox. She even owns a fox...and a pet cougar which makes her 100 times more hotter in my eyes. Her only drawback is she has a lot of tatts. Some guys might like that stuff...but a marilyn monroe face on her arm is a little scary.

3. Keeley Hazzel - Last years number one has dropped to number 3. Its a shame. As great as her breast are, how many times can we possibly see them. They better start learning tricks or an instrument or something. Damn.

4. Jessica Alba - So whats shes pregnant...she be back in perfect shape in a month...or at least I hope...she might be off this list soon too.

5. TIE Lacey Chabert/Emanuelle Chirqui - The Entourage chick. She is smoking hot...SMOKING hot.

6. TIE - Rachel Bilson/Kate Beckinsale - I could not decide here...decision too hard. So they both get a pass here.

7. Christinia Milian - What a hot little athletic curvy bitch. God damn she is hot and she is a sex symbol...bottom line.

6.6.08

UPDATE!!!! Random Ramblin's is now musically....every so often I will change it to a song I feel ppl should hear. Right now the song is "N.E.R.D - Sooner or Later", off their album seeing sounds. The music device is towards the right if you wanna stop it. Ok we also got a new feature...if you go all the way to the bottom of the right you will see "NEW URBAN LEGENDS". These are basically urban legends people make up and you can find out if they are real or bull by clicking on them. I think a new one appears every day. There is also a slideshow to the side, and this months theme is skulls. You can watch it for a while, it changes often. The blog is growing my friends! And finally all the way on the bottom is the word of the day...u can click it to get the full definition...but you must use that word that day or my leopard named Osiris will gut you like a fish.!!!!!!!!!

For once I am into a NBA Finals until about I will say......1998 when the Knicks got killed by the Spurs. Everyone is amped about this old school Lakers/Celtics series, but then you realize Bird and Magic "I Cure AID's" Johnson aren't playing. See...the NBA had a little something called rivalries back then. It was a lot easier to create rivalries when you didn't have 8,000 teams and continuing to add. And one other thing about adding teams or changing a city...if you take a team and switch it to somewhere else, at least change the fucking name of the team. The Utah JAZZ?! Cmon now really. Utah is the whitest place in the U.S., you really think they know what the fuck Jazz is? For those of you out of the loop, the Jazz are originally from New Orleans which makes a hell of a lot more sense.

Speaking of Magic Johnson....who has saw "I Am Legend"? Allow me to spoil the ending for you...those dracula/zombie things are only cured by the blood of Will Smith. This reminds me of Magic. I bet you that his blood cures AIDS. HE IS THE CURE!

New music dropping. First off we have one of my favorite bands ever....N.E.R.D . Only one word can really describe their albums, and it is sexy. This new album "Seeing Sounds" might be their best one yet, and the sexiest. The production is crazy! I feel that Timberlake and Usher stole a lot of their style from these guys. This album is mad mellow and great to chill out and smoke too....

Speaking of which...the new Lil Wayne album "The Carter 3" is also amazing. I guess you could say I was a Weezy fan, but I always felt he was a mixtape rapper, unable to make a solid album. I was wrong...this is a very solid album with top notch production. It is also very laid back and mellow except for a few cuts. Im feeling the song with Robin Thicke a lot right now...Tie My Hands. I give both albums a big thumbs up and recommend them. I dont even feel you have to be a hardcore rap fan to like the Weezy album, and N.E.R.D takes more of an acquired taste but try it out. You will either love it or not get it.

Sometimes people get on my nerves, and frankly I become sick of everyone. I wanna lock myself in my house and avoid contact. Today was one of those days. I  had a fuck the world mentality going on...until I turned on the TV. I saw a guy climbing a 52 story skyskraper....the human spiderman. The new reported even said you will never see that again. About a half hour later another guy started climbing the same building. This really restored my faith in humanity and the awesomeness of people. I love people who are out of the fucking minds...crazy enough to climb a skyskraper with no equipment what so ever. I also love that the second guy saw the first and said, "Oh shit...I can do that." They were both arrested and the first guy said he did it because he was an enviornmentalist. Huh? what the fuck does that have to do with climbing a building....why don't you just say u wanted to climb a giant building. Excuse me...I have to go and climb this building now myself.

6.5.08

Sopranos Lives!!!!!! Kind of....

Great news coming out today. one of the main Soprano's writers, Terrence Winter, is teaming up with Martin Scorsese  to create a new crime drama for HBO. It is about the beginnings of Atlantic City and the corruption that followed...I'm assuming the maffia will be involved. Shit...they should cast Paulie Walnuts in this too..he is not doing much now a days, starring in Dennys commercials as Paulie Walnuts. Consider me amped for this new show.

6.4.08

Like it or not, the movie industry is all about comics now a days...or rather graphic novels. I myself have never been a big comic guy, but I do have a generally understanding of them, and I used to buy Spider-Man as a kid here and there. Now what do we have here? We have the grandaddy of all comics. The comic that set the tone of seriousness for all these new comics coming out. A comic that influenced Frank Miller. A comic that made Time Magazines list of 100 Greatest Novels from 1923 to Present! Wow. Thats impressive. So impressive that I just ordered this summa bitch and am dying to jump into it. It is called "The Watchmen". The story follows a group of unknown superheros set in the 80's. They are also filming a movie adaptation as we speak. I feel the movie won't set the box office on fire, but it can be the first superhero movie that is considered a great film....not a great superhero movie. You know what I'm saying here. Its still very hard to take superhero movies serious. The new Batman might change that with Heath Ledgers performance...but if not that I think this will. Im excited to start reading this and will post a review here when I am done.

Summer Jam

Went to Summer Jam 2008 at Giants Stadium last night. We wound up taking a HUGE H2 Hummer limo, so the ride there was more fun then the actual concert. On the way in our drunken stupor we all bought cheap rip off Kanye West glasses....the  white ones that look like someone shades on their window. We had the limo pumping music in the parking lot with girls dancing on top and Jamacians and G's passing blunts around like it was legal. Security was great and we brought in 11 blunts with us and I brought in a water bottle of Brandy. I loved that the security guard didn't even bother to ask why why water was brown.

Now onto the show...I'm not gonna lie...I was really fucked up, and I read a recap and I had no idea Fabolous and Akon were even there. So anyway...Young Berg and Ray J opened and we missed their performance. Who gives a fuck. Although "Sexy Can I" is a rather good song. Next up was "The Dream". Fuck this guy...he wont be around come this time next year. His songs are for chicks. Then came Alicia Keys...she was alright, but it really kicked ass when some Wu-Tang members came out and did C.R.E.A.M. It was great to see Method....that is real rap. The announcer then said D-Block was coming and to tuck your chains in. I loved that. I think D-Block is overrated, but they did bring out Fat Joe, Akon, and some other guy....or was that T-Pain who did that. T-Pain is not a real musician...he uses a god damn robot voice. That should not be allowed. I would have rather seen the robot from Pee-Wee Herman perform his songs. LL Cool J made a guest performance which was awesome, I really wish he would did more the one song. Next up was Lil Wayne who was interesting. I wasn't too big on his song selection but whatever.  Then Kanye came out and KILLED it. He made everyone else seem like amateur hour. He had crazy shit going on and a sick amount of pyrotechnics. Simply amazing. You got to see Kanye live. After him was Public Enemy and that scary looking man named Flava Flav. They sucked. Im sorry but I can't take Flava seriously when he is talking about how the government is screwing us up. Im a fan of old school hip hop, but I was never a PE fan. After them they were hinting a big suprise was coming. I was hoping for Jay-Z.....Outkast...maybe even Eminem.....but instead it was a major letdown with the ghosts of 2Pac and Biggie. Just Clownin Dawg. When they were amping everyone for the surprise I was chanting for "Bon Jovi". I would have loved to see the reaction they would have gotten. I'm assuming a lot of "What the fuck?"s. Anyway it was the one hit wonder Jim Jones. This was the time me and my crew ducked the hell out of there. Oh yeah that reminds me....where the hell was Rhianna? She was suppose to be there and was right on the center of the friggin shirt. Summer Jam is a good time, but rap is not where it should be. Maybe I'm just getting old but I don't get a lot of this new shit coming out. I would have rather seen LL and Wu-Tang do a full set then the fucking Dream and T-Pain.

MJ at the Movies.

SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER EDITION....

Wow...I have not been to the movies in a REALLY long time.  I hear the new Indiana Jones is written like shit and has aliens in it. What in the bluest hell?! Why are their aliens in Indiana Jones? I heard Iron Man kicks ass, and is the best superhero movie to date. Harold and Kumar 2 was apparently good, but did anyone actually see it? And god damn....this Sex and the City movie...its already starting to piss me off. Does this movie promote being a slut? Is that the point of the show? To teach girls how to be a slut? And Sarah Jessica Parker is a ugly horse faced demon. Now another movie that looks terrible but I bet you is awesome...Dont mess with Zohan. This movie is written by Sandler and Smeigel. Who is Smeigel you ask? He is the genius behind Triumph the insult dog. So this summer go see Iron Man and Zohan....and get ready for the documentary sweeping the film festivals called "Tyson." I will let you guess what thats about.

Now for a movie I just re-watched. "There Will Be Blood." Upon my first viewing I thought it was overrated. It had a memorable performance from Day-Lewis who had a couple of great lines, and a good supporting actor. Besides for that there wasn't much from the rest of the cast. Re-watching it, I enjoyed it much more. It is a very enjoyable film with a great soundtrack and great cinematography. Basically I feel this movie is Scarface set in a different era. You have to guys looking for the "American Dream". You have two ultra charismatic characters that are likable, but real evil. Both show moments where they seem like good people, but in the end, show their true colors. Both get the power and money, but end up unhappy and addicting to drugs/alcohol. Both speak in a voice everyone will immitate and both spew out awesome one liners. See...same movie.

Sonic Disaster

With the release of Grand Theft Auto 4, the debate about violence in video games has heated up once again. Are the games to blame? For this post I've decided to sit down with a man who oozes 90's style attitude....the always controversial Sonic the Hedgehog. When we last saw him he released a rap album and single, "Dem Jews got da Jewelz". Both were commercial flops and Sonic has since then hit a real downslide. When Sonic showed up for this interview, he did not seem to be in "great" shape.... to say it politely. He was extremely incoherent as he mumbled and slurred his words...basically unintelligible. His balance was also terribly off, making it hard for him to stand. I literally had to carry him and sit him at a table. He then proceeded to fall to the floor and begin vomiting. I asked what he had been taking, to which be barely responded, "The Heavy Stuff". I kept trying to help him to his feet but to little success. At this point Sonics demeanor changed for the worse. A list of profanities came spewing out of his mouth and he swung and barely hit me. Sonic was now manic, ready to fight anyone. With him in such a loony state, I  barely managed to conduct the interview...At first I was going to keep this under wraps  out of respect...but hopefully this might be a wake up call for him.

Q.  Do you feel violent video games promote real life violenc?

A.  What the fuck is that?! That game huh? whats it called? HA HA HA! Audio Theft?!

      Let me tell you something... I did all that before violence was cool. I dont need a game to kill a whore...thats called Tuesday to me. I literally stomped nggz out for DoDo Money!

Q.  DoDo Money?

A.  Yea DoDo....that means that money is extinct like that bird.... small change that I extincted.         BUT LISTEN....you got to know this......DoDo is better then NoDo. HA HA!

Q.  When a child plays violent game, does it reveal tendency's that might be better left alone?

(At this point Sonic leaned his head over his shoulder and was not moving. It was about 3 minutes before he bounced back fully awake and active)

A. I DONT KNOW AND I DONT GIVE A FUCK, AND FUCK WHATEVER YOU TALKING ABOUT!

(Sonic then grabbed the closest thing, which was a saltshaker, and threw it across the room shattering it. He was beginning to become more and more uncontrollable.)

Q.  A game like Grand Theft Auto where a player can go and actually -

A.  Fuck the Grand Auto! What are we talking about here? Violence or bullshit?!

Q. No Violence as it....

A. Well then I will give you violence in spades mofo!

Q. Is it related to gaming by any chance?

A. How is this for Reality TV.... I killed Chester Cheeta motherfuckers! My ass was outside that      strip club my damn self.

Q. Was this action brought about by being influenced by a video game?

A. No.

Q. Any closing comments?

A. Yeah...Bitch it ain't mine...I told you im fixed!

Wow. So I guess playing violent video games does not lead to murder or what not. We need something else to blame now. I blame people. I blame human beings. Animals only kill for hunt. Humans came and fucked up everything. Oh and there's a bombshell....Sonic admitted to killing Chester.....Im guessing some jail time for that one.

I would advise those that are new here, to go up to the top right and you can see labels. Some of the more interesting posts here get a label. Click on the sonic one and you can follow up on his whole story thus far....

5.27.08

With gas prices so crazy high I've decided to sell my Jeep. It seems that SUV's are going the way of the dinosaur. I was thinking about getting a Hybrid, but that wasn't flashy enough for me. I wanted something that could catch someone's eye, but not stand out too much. So I think I found the perfect car for me..... Its only 4.8 million too.

5.25.07

Just got back from Cali-forn-eee-ahhh! Spent most of my time in Laguna Beach, or as some call it, the REAL O.C....as opposed to the fake one. I also went down and saw Jimmy Kimmel Live while I was down there. You would be shocked at how small the studio is. I totally lucked out too, seeing as there were NO in studio guests. However, I did get to see the Pussycat Dolls perform live! The performance was equivalent to getting a lap dance with no physical contact. The lead singer Nicole Schezineggger or whatever is hot as hell. The rest of them are basically talentless glorified strippers. Another night I wound up on a beach with a bunch of people smoking Hash while one dude played Hotel California on a guitar and a 75 year old hippie talked about "righteous vibes". No bullshit. If thats not Cali I don't know what is.

Now Cali is great and all but here is the one thing that REALLY REALLY SUCKS. Now please remember this is coming from a New Yorker where I usually don't go out until 11:30 PM. It is state law in California that every club and bar closes at 2:00 AM, and everyone starts being piled out at 1:45 AM. I was pounding down Hawain Ice Teas when the owner started yelling and pushing people out in a line like cattle to the slaughter. We couldn't even finish our drinks. I felt like I was in a speakeasy during the Prohibtion and the feds were raiding. Besides for that it is pretty bad ass, and everyone is extremely nice and laid back. Why wouldn't they be? They live in paradise, spend all day at the beach, smoke the finest weed, are surrounded by beautiful women.....why wouldn't you want to live there?

5.16.08

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Thats actual commentary from the Conan DVD by the Governator. Im going to Cali for a week, see you later gators.

5 Lamest Sport Franchises

5. Detroit Pistons - So what your really good, your also really fucking boring. You are the east coast version of the Spurs. You win and no one cares. These guys just edged out the Milwaukee Bucks for this fifth spot. When they are in the Finals, no one watches.

4. The Reds - Who really cares about this team? You have Ken Griffey Jr., who was suppose to be the best ever, but is a flop. Thats the only thing that makes you somewhat relevant.

3. The Bills - Your team is known for sucking. You are known for losing about 3 Super Bowls in a row to the Cowboys. You suck, end of story. BOOORING. Barely beat out the Kansas City Chiefs for this spot.

2. The Royals - Is this even a real team in the MLB? Is Kansas City even a real place in the United States?

1. The Spurs - Here is the most boring lamest team of all time. No doubt, they are one of the best NBA teams ever, but who cares? Find me on person that cares about this team or even any player, you wont even find one in Texas. This team is so terrible and draws such terrible ratings that the biggest star on this team is Eva Longoria. Yup. She is shown about 1 million times during a game, and she is a C List celebrity at best. Thats sad.

5.13.08

Shhhhhhhheeeit. I had Burger King today for the first time in a while. Apparently they have partnered with some guy named Indiana Jones. They have this contest where your given two scratchy things and you can only scratch one. You can win up to like 10,000 or you can LOSE. Even when I lost I would scratch the other one to see what I could've one. What would you do if you did that and saw it said 10,000 dollars? I would honestly go bonkers. I think I would shoot that Burger King up and demand my money. Could you imagine? Thats sucks....fuck you Indiana Jones.

5.12.08

I must say..."Whats Eating Gilbert Grape" is one of my favorite movies ever. I must have seen it at least 40 times, and I can never get sick of it. It just adds more fuel to my argument that Dicaprio is the greatest actor of our generation, or is well on his way to being it. His role as Arnie in this film is one of the greatest performances I have ever seen.

Why I like Obama

5.6.08

I wound up watching a NHL game that went into 4 Overtimes....even tho I could not name 1 single player between both teams. Why did I watch it in its entirety? Having invested about 3 somewhat hours into it, I felt I deserved an ending. The ending left me unsatisfied, as I realized I did not care for either team and either one winning did nothing for me.

4.30.08

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/04/29/7-year-old-car-thief-its_n_99178.html


Ha Ha! Check out this 7 year old kid...he carjacked his grandmas car, and boy does this kid have some quotable.

He called over his other 7 year old friend to joyride with him cause, "he smokes with cigarettes."

"Its fun to do bad things and drive into a car."

I also love when the interviewer asks, "Did you know you could perhaps kill somebody?"
To which my little homie responds, "Yes, but I wanted to do hood rat stuff with my friend."

And what does he feel his punishment should be...."No video games for a WHOLE weekend."

They gotta stop making these Grand Theft Auto games I tell ya!

4.28.08

HA HA HA! Can you really believe the New York post? "MILEY

'S SHAME!" This story really needs to be on the front page of the paper? Is this really that important? Maybe I'm just a little too liberal and edgy, but that picture doesn't exactly spell controversy to me. Ok...shes 15...big deal. Go watch old home videos of me at 15...spread eagle and jerking it in public. Its just what teenagers do Mr. New York Post! I also love how the inside headline reads, "Baring her torment."  LoL. Jesus dying on the cross was torment....showing your shoulder in a magazine is not torment. Lets

 take a closer look at the pic in question...

Oh My God! To me that pic looks like an Afghanie refugee who got a hold of too much Kool-Aid. Don't believe me....Take a look at this pic from National Geographic...

4.26.08

NOOOOOOO! I have lost all respect for Dwayne Wade... He is apparently now dating that chupacabbra Star Jones. First off she is 46 and he is 26. Number 2 she is the most annoying and ugliest person on the planet earth. Number 3, he makes more money then her. I rather shove my dick in a bin of acid then inside her. WOW. If Wade came out and said he was gay and dating Charles Barkley I would have more respect. Im a lot more angry at this news then I should be being a straight male. What are you doing D-Wade?! Is this what finishing the worst in the NBA leads too?

4.23.08

There is a reason why I don't watch American Idol, and this is it. What in the BLUE hell?! This is the type of shit they do on that show? I was expecting Michael Jackson and Father Mauer to pop out. Yup.... Father Mauer is a real priest from my elementary school who was outed as a child molesster. You wanna fuck with kids, I'm going to name drop you mother fucker. FATHER MAUER.

4.22.08

I just got back from the "Tim and Eric Awesome Tour 2008". if you are unfamiliar with the "Tim and Eric" show on Adult Swim, you should probably stop reading this, as it will bore you to tears. So how was it?  I thought it was very good and worth the 20 bucks....BUT....you knew I had to throw that in there, there has to be 2 sides to every coin. The show featured a lot of video clips from the upcoming season 3. While they were funny, I didn't come to the city to watch television. There were about 4 live performances, I think 3 were songs and one was a karate demonstration. These were good but there wasn't enough live stuff...I guess mainly because of the elaborate costumes. Another disappointment was the lack of guests. Some of the funnies stuff on the show is done by the other "actors". Now I wasn't expecting John C. Reily, but the other unknowns could've appeared, what better thing did they have to do? Cash in welfare checks? However, everyone appeared via television screen. Bottom line is this....I recommend going to see it, just don't pay a crazy amount, no more then 30 bucks I say. And make sure to drink or smoke some pot before you go....it should actually advise that on the ticket.

And speaking of them....I was talking to my friend about where they can go from the show. The show runs 11 minutes, and shouldn't be any longer. Could they make the jump to movies? i always said no. However, thinking about it now..."Beaver Boys" could possibly be turned into a feature, just as long as it is not too similar to "Night at the Roxbury".

4.20.08

Dude its like 4:20...time to smoke pot dude! Fuck that. True potheads don't celebrate 4/20, everyday is 4/20. 4/20 is for casual smokers, not addicts. This is not what I want to talk about however.....I think its time to officially quit smoking cigarettes. Why? Its not about my health, and it damn sure ain't those Truth dot com commercials....they are raising cigarette prices to 9 dollars! What?! That is crack prices! I refused to get ripped off....so all you big tobacco companies...I'm done. Your product ain't that good. If you pay 9 bucks for a pack of cigs you are a sucker.

Biggie...

Biggie Smalls is one of the greatest rappers alive. I don't think anyone can really make an argument otherwise. As good as he was, he did say some really fucked up things. Some CRAZY things, some really crazy things. Quite possibly some of the craziest things ever said in rap. From gruesome rape on children, to punching pregnant women, to performing oral on men. Biggie said some fucked up shit. Here are some of the most memorable...

"You looked so good I suck on your daddy's dick."

"Don't you know my nigga Gutta fuckin' kidnap kids?

Fuck em in the ass, throw them over the bridge."

"At my arraignment, note for the plantiff,

Your daughters tied up in a Brooklyn basement,

Face it not guilty, thats how I stay filthy."

"Hail Mary full of grace...smack the bitch in the face,

take the Gucci bag and the North Face,

off her back, jab her if she act."

"I got a bitch to suck my dick until i nut,

spit it on my gut and slurp that shit back up,

ain't that a slut, she even take it in the butt,

fuck for about an hour now she want a golden shower."

"Sucked all day, smoking blunts, counting cheese,

fucking bitches till they assholes bleed."

"I like em cute, round tits and fat asses,

Educated...so I can bust up on they glasses."

"I wouldn't give a fuck if your pregnant,

give me the baby rings and the #1 mom pendant."

"Electrical tape around your daughter, slaughter."

"When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell,

Cause Im a piece of shit, it aint hard to fucking tell."

"I sticking ice picks on the tip of your dick,

give your testicals a swift kick."

"Hit you with the dick, make your kidneys shift."

TV

What are the greatest shows to ever grace a television set? Hmmm... great question myself. For my money, here are my picks.

The Twilight Zone - simply genius and way ahead of its time. Great twists and pretty good effects for the time period.

The Sopranos - Greatest written show on television. This show was a 101 course on character development. I can't recall anything with such such fleshed out and deep characters. Simply amazing, my favorite ever.

Seinfeld - Who honestly does not like this show? Greatest sitcom comedy, no question about it.

Quantum Leap - A throwback and a show I love. I like that its episodic and the main character has such strong morals...its a family show but not so cookie cutter that it makes you vomit.

X-Files - The best sci-fi show on the air. I also like that the majority of it is episodic.

South Park - Yeah it got big and then kind of lost steam and got lame, but this is the funniest adult cartoon on the air. I'm sorry Simpsons and Family Guy, but you ain't got shit on South Park.

Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Genius. Watch this next season...I'm predicting that this show is about to BLOW up huge.

Chapelles Show - Classic. A shame it ended so soon. I credit this show for opening peoples eyes to true comedy and basically killing off SNL.

Inside the NFL - A real shame that this got canceled. No show had such great chemistry between the hosts as this.

Entourage - It might have lost steam recently, but the first season was amazing.

Johnny Bravo - I fucking love this cartoon.

Pop Up Video - I swear to God, I could watch this for days on ends.

Salute Your Shorts - When I was a kid this was my shit. Wow. Donkey Lips. What a great show, kids don't have it like this anymore, now all they have is Hannah Montana.

Law and Order INVASION!

So yeah "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" came, filmed, and fucked up my house. The prop guys arrived at about 11 AM. They then proceeded to move all the furniture out of my Aunts apartment and moved "Santana's" stuff. And since they were going on Latino stereotypes, his furniture consisted strictly of statues and paintings of Jesus. Also included was "weed" and "coke". I was shocked they didn't bring some leopard print bed sheets. They then removed the door to the apartment, and replaced it with a trick one the big guy above would later kick in.

So these dudes left and there was calm for like a hour, until about 50 dudes came with the actors. Now it was around 7 PM and they started installing lights everywhere until my house looked like Shea. At this time I went to the catering table with my friend and acted like two homeless guys with tapeworms at a buffet. "Juicy Fruit?! Oh Shit! Put it in your pockets man! Fucking Juicy Fruit!" Returned back to the house and watched this dude kick the door down 3 times, then drag Santana out of bed, then drive him to Shea to pitch for the Mets. I kid. So yeah...they wrapped up about 9 PM. Heres the best part tho...this scene is going to be about 3 minutes of the episode. They were at my friggin house from 11 AM to 9 PM for 3 damn minutes?! It was not glamorous at all...if these guys come to your house and ask to film, tell them to fuck off. I saw one of the actors....I don't want to name names....urinate on my Aunt's dishes  that she just cleaned in the sink. He then went threw her kitchen drawers and proceeded to lick down every eating utensil. What? Spread that one around Perez Hilton, you fat gay white Oprah. Seriously tho, the staff and cast were very friendly and down to earth.

Raccoon stealing a floormat

This son of the bitch....stealing doormats! I personally love raccoons and wouldn't mind one as a pet, despite them seeming like the dumbest animals on the planet. These bastards were made to burgle, born with that classic burglars mask.

4.8.08

HA HA HA. That really does look like Dr.Phil. It looks like him a lot. A LOT. Shit....maybe he actually is a Walrus dressed up in disguise as a human asshole. There is a whole website with thousands of these. These are the only two I found somewhat funny. I don't understand why animals speak such broken english tho.

MJ at the Theatre...

I'm not a big Broadway guy....I've only seen "Movin' Out" until today. I just saw Mel Brooks "Young Frankenstein". I must say, I was surprised by the thousands upon thousands of sexual innuendos. Every other joke was something about penis size or humping all night. Hell, at one point an actor even dropped the F-Bomb. This play is rated "R" for raunchy.  Overall, I thought it was really good, besides for the dumb fact that they broke into song every couple of minutes. It kind of made it hard to follow the story. And that is probably where the plays biggest flaw lies. The pyrotechnics and stage design were amazing....its just that the songs were not too memorable or catchy.

Which got me to thinking. That "South Park" movie that came out had some of the best songs I've heard. From "Blame Canada" to "Uncle Fucker". Someone really needs to turn that into a play, or have Matt Parker and Trey Stone write a new one. Ahh fuck...those Law and Order idiots are coming tomorrow morning to film.

Law and Order

Law and Order has invaded my home! I walked in on Thursday and saw this guy scouting out my hallway and my Aunts apartment taking pictures. He said he worked for "Law and Order" and was going to show the director three different apartments to choose from for a scene. Well lucky us....Today; about 20 people showed up and started creating mayhem. Our house has been chosen. My aunt is receiving $2,000 to allow these nutjobs to move everything out of her apartment and to also take down her front door and put up a new one. Apparently the door is to broken down by gun wielding men....not the first time this has happened in my house. I have never seen one single episode of the show and could care less, I do not know one single actor on the show either....I'm not a big television series watcher. If they were looking to film Sopranos here however, I would let them blow the damn house up. Another funny thing...my dad goes up to one of the guys and says, "You better put me in this show." Why would they put you in it? Why must you be put in?

Fairy Tales are FUCKED UP!

Wanna know how to screw up your child's precious little minds for the rest of their lives? Just tell them Fairy Tales. It doesn't even really matter which one, as they are all equally scary and sadistic. Don't believe me?

Lets look at Rumplestillskin. This is probably the most horrific story I ever heard. First off this woman is locked in a room, basically a sweatshop, and is not allowed to leave until she turns hey into fucking gold! Thats not even possible! At least all these kids have to do is sew a couple of Nike checks on a shoe and they can leave. Imagine someone locking you in a room and not allowing you to leave until you performed something impossible. So all of a sudden this demon/troll/gnome appears and makes a deal with her. He wants to take her baby. Why the hell does this dwarf want a baby?! Is he going to eat it? Is he a child molester? Any the only way to get the child back is by guessing his name? What the hell kind of messed up story is this? What lesson is to be learned here?!

Thats not the only one. What about Hansel and Gretel? Some old woman cannibal living in the woods literally tries to cook them alive and eat them. I don't know about you but that left a bad lasting image on me as a kid. Don't wander off in the woods because they're are old cannibals living there.

There's even more...Little Red Riding Hood. Her grandmother is eaten by a wolf who then dresses up in her bloody clothes and poses as her. What?! And I'm pretty sure the whole lesson of The Gingerbread Man was to "Not Trust Anyone". The verdict is this...FUCK FAIRY TALES!