Random Ramblins

Just started watching "Moon" and it hit me... in every movie when a computer talks it is either a well spoken man or woman who is overly polite with no emotion what so ever in their voice. It kind of sounds like the Yuppies in Brooklyn. Did "Space Odyssey" start this? My GPA device, the voice is that of Richard Simmons. It can't direct me to go straight tho.... HA HA . It discourages me from driving straight tho... Ha Ha! See what I did there.

I was thinking... with the advancement of technology, every new device seems to talk. I swear my toothbrush now even talks when I'm "doin' work" (thats slang for brushing my teeth). With all these talking appliances I feel like I'm in a future version of the "Flintstones". Hmmmm... a future version of the Flintstones cartoon... someone should do that.

The new Youtube sucks. The Youtube layout was something that did not need changing. Now you can't give a video a star rating, you either give thumbs down or thumbs up. At least you have a choice... In the world of Facebook you either like something or too fucking bad. Remain silent. You don't think this is done on purpose? And how come the government keeps putting secret listening devices in my cereal.

Speaking of which.... You ever notice how every crazy person or druggie thinks they are being watched and spied on by the government. Why the hell does the government need to watch THEM and their lunacy. It would be funny if the government actually was watching them with the newest spy technology. "Lets test out these new chips on "PCP" Dan.... no one will believe him.

This is exactly how I felt

Play This Youtube Game.... Amazing

ITS REAL!

Shit just got real.

"Dad Wake Up"

My Father

This morning I am awoken from my slumber by my father. He's shaking me awake while holding a phone and talking to someone. He says to me "Dad, wake up! Dad, wake up!"

At this point I'm thinking one of us has lost their god damn minds. Why the fuck is he calling me Dad.

"Dad, whats your e-mail address?"

What the fuck is wrong with this man? I begin to laugh at how absurd this is.

"Hold on Miss one second."

I realize he is trying to pose as me to some telemarketer or some shit. I'm laughing hysterical.

"Hold on Miss he can't always remember his e-mail."

Now I'm laughing harder. I'm picturing my 50 year old father walking over to his sleeping 80 year old father (if he was still alive) and shaking him awake. Then proceeding to ask him, "Dad what's your e-mail?"

Then this handicapped man struggling to remember.. "Hmmm.... J .... what else was it?" "JBotz... and then a 4 and a 2 at the aim dot com."

SIDE NOTE: I've heard my own grandpa use the phrase, "What is this dot com bullshit!" at least like 50 times.

My dad covers the phones speaker his hand and whispers LOUDLY to me "Mikey, your screwing me up here!"

I can just picture this 50 year old man saying to this 80 year old man, "Mikey, your screwing me up here!" What is this woman on the other line thinking? He calls his 80 year old dad "Mikey"?

Anyway he was calling Amazon to try and return a package shipped to me that I ordered him. They wanted to send me a confirmation e-mail. Why did he feel the need to pose as me... I do not know... maybe because the package was shipped to my name on my credit card? Mystery.

Sick from the Dick

I'm 25 now. At the age of 25 Lebron James has played in the NBA and won an MVP award. At the age of 25 I just learned how to successfully make grilled cheese. What the fuck am I doing with my life? I should of never quit Journey.

The other day I was really really high. I was relaxing and listening to one of my West Coast gangster rap records. One rapper said the following line, "Is you sick from the dick, or is it the flu?" I do not know why but that literally killed me. Imagine the response to this question... "No.. I'm pretty sure its the flu." I also like how it is two possible things that can be making you sick.... not that bad fish. You either have the flu or that dick got to you.

Meeting Rodman.... and tara reid

I was at "The Cheesecake Factory" today and it was like a night of 1,000 stars. First off I see this sickly think looking blonde come walking in. She was chain smoking like a champion and texting 24-7. These are the characteristics of a hollywood party girl; "textin, smokn, being thin". Guess who..... Tara Reid. My waiter didn't believe me so I bet him 5 dollars and he went and got her autograph and it was her. But oh it gets better.... much better.

I look over to the entrance and see a giant bizarrely dressed black man with tons of tatts and piercings. He was also about 6 foot 7. Holy shit... is that Dennis Rodman... Rodzilla? Where am I on "Celebrity Rehab"? He then proceeds to point directly at me. I don't know what to do and give an awkward wave. "No not you... the girl... tell her to come over here." This white teenage girl with her family gets up and walks over to him. When she returns she says that he told her she had nice skin and gave her a kiss. He then walks past my table and all the table making sure to greet everyone that is sitting. He then whips out a cigar that is honestly about 2 feet long and begins smoking.

I ask my waiter about him and he says he comes in all the time and is a real nut job. He says he yells and causes a scene and runs up a huge tab. Then he dips out without paying and goes to a nearby restaurant and does the same. It was funny that this was such a common occurrence that all the waiters tried their best to steer clear and avoid him.

Textin Tiger 2

One of Tigers Ho's (she was a porn star... I cant believe it) just released a shitload of new texts from Tiger. They do not disappoint. If you get a chance watch the newest South Park episode that features Tiger. It is genius.

Tiger:Sent: 04″02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own
Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise
Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten
Tiger:Sent: 04:24 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. Now your talking. Whatever i want. You are mine

Tiger:Sent: 05:15 PM 08/29/2009:
I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth
Tiger:Sent: 05:18 PM 08/29/2009:
We will see how bad you want me
Tiger:Sent: 05:26 PM 08/29/2009:
Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy

Voicemails

Why Voicemails Suck

By Michael Johnston

This is why I think Voicemails suck. Take that back. Voicemails are the single worst thing in human existence... even worse then mosquitoes and Draculas. Name one person you know who enjoys checking their voicemails.... You can't... Doesn't exist. Listening to your voicemails is like taking a 3 minute S.A.T..

But why? There is simply too much time for preparation. The women talks and re-tells you the same exact number you fucking dialed seconds ago... Number by slow, excruciating, number. Thanks for re-telling me the number I just fucking dialed Beatrice! By the time you can finally talk its been like 3 minutes. When your words come out, it is so rehearsed and thought out it seems like your reading off a cue card. The President prepares less for his speeches.

Blah Blah Blah

Look at the creature above and tell me you don't recognize that person.

That is the crossing guard by my house. A slobbish woman who gossips all day. A couple of teachers I had. The guy who writes jokes for the Oscars and is on Hollywood Squares. Say hello to "The Whiner".

Slothman

Is it just me or do sloths look like they smoke a lot of weed? In every one of these pictures this mofo looks blazed. They might truly be the weirdest looking creatures on the planet. I'm going to make a superhero named "Slothman" who dresses up as one of them and climbs buildings with his claws. When he's not stopping crime he enjoys the marijuana and surfing.

Ad

I got to pay the bills. I'm going to start advertising here and this is the first one. I fully endorse this product... You can take a fat middle aged woman and turn her into a smoking hot underage girl. You can drop 21% and body fat and about 25 years. Don't you want to whisper sweet nothings into her ear?

Oscar Results

Well the Oscars are over and here is your list of winners....

BEST PICTURE

"Rock of Love 2"

I don't really agree with this one... My biggest problem is that it isn't actually a movie but a television show. It was shocking when it got announced since it wasn't even nominated.

BEST ACTOR

"Macho Man" Randy Savage in "WrestleMania 3"

Pretty spot on with this one.

BEST ACTRESS

Mo'Nique

The shock was not that she won but when they announced what role she won for... it was not for "Precious" like everyone expected, but for "Soul Plane". (True Story.... When I wrote this I put "Soul Plane" as a joke thinking she wasn't in it... just looked it up and she actually was in it.)

But seriously thank god Avatar didn't win... If I had my way "Where the Wild Things Are" would of took top honors. And how hot is Helen Mirren still? She's what now... like 74? That is a Gilf.

Modern Family

Modern Family is the best show on television right now. Just watched one episode and this makes "The Office" writing look sloppy. The dialogue is some of the tightest and best I have ever seen. The writing is unpredictable, and despite seeming a little wacky it times it stays pretty grounded in reality. It also has a ton of heart and does not rely on crude or shocking humor. This truly is must see TV.

Ask Sonic

Dear Sonic,

I was at my local flea market and I stumbled across this backpack? Care to explain?

Love,

Timmy

West Virginia

SONIC: Fuck... I knew that shit would come back to haunt me. You know you got a drug problem when your bootlegging your own god damn shit to get a fix. I was shocked that I'm not that big of a seller no mores... so I added the two things kids love most in this world... Harry Potter and Obama. I had to stop selling them shits cause some gook kids got seizures watching it in motion because of all the colors. God damn was I high when I made that shit.

Cool pictures with witty comments

This was from the Olympics....

Blowjobs were such a common occurrence in this building a sign was needed to prevent them. Apparently the only things you can't do in this building are suck d's and listen to the radio.

Oh Fuck is right...... Martin Lawrence now has 6 fingers. Actually none of these comments were that witty... Zach Galifinakis is hosting SNL this Saturday be sure to watch!

Bobby Womack - I Wish He Didn't Trust Me So Much

This song is pimp... Bobby Womack is telling his best friend not to go on business trips because he is going to fuck his wife... and to make it even better his best friend appears to be Apollo Creed. The point is Bobby Womack WILL fuck your wife.

Zoobooks!

You guys remember this commercial? I think I actually had a subscription to Zoobooks... now a days I just use them for jerk off material.. What?!

South Park

In this one episode of South Park someone makes a composite sketch of the characters. When they show it you see how the kids would look if they were real. I thought it was pretty cool... live action South Park movie? God I hope not.

Been had Yu-Gi-Oh! Cards!

BEEN HAD BOOTLEG MOVIES

" BEEN HAD" HUNDREDS

Gorillaz - Stylo

Best music video ever... it even has Bruce Willis. Also, this new Gorillaz album is bad ass.

Native American Quote

"If you take [a copy of] the Christian Bible and put it out in the wind and the rain, soon the paper on which the words are printed will disintegrate and the words will be gone. Our bible IS the wind."

Random Ramblins

- I asked a fellow dude, "How many pounds is your medicine ball?" And then there was awkward silence as I realized that might have been the gayest sentence I ever uttered. I quickly added a "No homo" and resolved the tension.

- How come we park in a drive-way and drive on a parkway? Why is it called a toilet when everyone pisses in the sink?

- I don't know why people get such a hard-on for cold pizza. Call me odd but I like my pizza hot. I also don't get the whole drinking milk with pizza either.

- Where is Womens Rights Group man? Where is the pride woman had a fight for my rights and all that heresay? Women need to seriously fight back against the image being presented of them. They should be angry about being portrayed as whores in music, film, and television. Shouldn't women be protesting girls gone wild? And I know what your thinking, " Oh MJ what the hell?! Are you gay?! Then there wont be anymore party girls!" Fuck girls. Its all about women. The sexy established business women with class is a much better fuck then that drunk Whoreverfeild Monster in the corner of the bar. I want to ravish them completely. I want to devour them to the point of ecstasy. Listen to Mike....

Curling

If you are not watching Olympic Curling then you are missing out on the most suspenseful, intense sport on television right now. The last 4 United States games have all gone to overtime and have all come down to the last shot. The last shot has been performed by the same guy and he has missed it all 4 times. They haven't even been difficult shots. This is the biggest choke job I have ever seen in sports. This guy is seriously going to wind up hanging himself.

Mind Fucking

Dear Diary,

Today I watched Synecdoche, New York by Charlie Kaufman in directorial debut and destroyed my mind. After watching the also awesomely amazing "Doubt", I truly consider Phillip Seymour Hoffman one of the best actors of our time. Anyway back to Synecdoche... it might be the most bizarre movie I have ever seen. It makes David Lynch movies seem to predictable. In the movie the lead is losing his mind and along the way the viewer has no idea how much time has passed or what is real and what's not. This movie honestly made me pause it midway thru and just check my mind and digest everything. The film literally almost pushed me into a delirium. Watching it is similar to taking a hallucinogenic drug. BTW Roger Ebert named this the best film of the decade.

Sincerely Yours,

Jesse Botz

Yelawolf

Here is a link to some of the best hip hop I have heard in a while. It comes from this white Southern rapper named Yelawolf from Alabama. He sorta sounds like a mix between old school Andre 3000 from Outkast, Snoop Dogg, and Lil Wayne. This particular mixtape is called "Stereo" and every beat is an insane sample of a classic rock song. He sorta looks like Travis Barker and he is a skater. Anyway here is the link, I really suggest this... he will probably blow up pretty soon.

YELAWOLF - STEREO

Walrus sucks own dick

Yup... the title is pretty much to the point. thats not even my title, thats from some thespian on the youtube. I thought I was hot shit because I saw a Walrus jerking off... God damn, to tell the masses that story was the reason I started this effing blog. If I saw this my head would of exploded a la Scanners. This is like staring into the eyes of God, or french kissing Jesus. At first I thought this was the Tiger Wood sex tape no homo.

Shocking Deaths

Something I've become fascinated with lately... Killing off the main character of the film about a third of the way thru, switching a secondary to lead and having him finish the film off. Think "Departed" and what they did with Leo. When Leo took a bullet to the head I have not seen a theatre react in such shock before. Those of us knew that the Wahlberg payoff was coming but many thought the film was really going to end on a somber note. Its hit the audience pretty hard, it took a second to get your mind back into the movie... you were really thrown for a loop.

Spoiler ahead.... there's one movie I think might do the surprise better... that would be 'To Live and Die in L.A." It might contain the most memorable death scene ever in a film. The main character (played by the underrated William Petersen) eats a shotgun to the face about a quarter into the film. This is the same person who we have spent the whole film with. The death is not even dramatic or anything. He chases some bad guys and one of them pulls a shotgun out of a locker and blows him to death in real time. Theres no slo-mo and his partner is not even given a chance to mourn as he is thrust into the lead and continues chasing the bad guys. It is so shocking and jarring that it is nearly impossible to watch the rest of the movie. Your in such shock and awe that your brain melts and slides out your ear.

From where I sit, this ranks just slightly above the founder of this.... "Psycho". It starts with this one girl and the film seems like its going to be about crime and thievery and what not and them boom knife in the shower and we are in a "horror" movie and your new main character is Norman Bates...Nothing else to add really, just think that its really cool when done correctly.

The Room - "Oh Hi" compilation

I have not laughed this hard in a LONG time.

The Room - How Johnny Met Lisa

What is the interesting part?

Acting at its finest

Masterfullistic. That best describes it. The guy with the long black hair is the writer/director/ and best actor.

THE HUMANITY!

Oh the humanity!!!!!! The snow is coming! The blizzard! "In the new this evening... FUCKING BLIZZARD!" Panic. Hysteria. 24 hour coverage of the storm. Lock yourself in the house, get the rations, drug your children to sleep so they wont have to witness this. Shut down the trains and buses.... have armed soldiers on every corner.

Right now Im sitting in my basement popping Xanex (to call my nerves) from a Pez dispenser surrounded by jugs of water while tightly gripping my sawed off shotgun.

From the news coverage I wasn't sure if it was going to snow or Godzilla was going to emerge from the Atlantic Ocean and pop a squat in Central Park. First I got the terrorists, the swine flu, and now I've got to deal with this shit.

Greatest Innovation of Our Times

Evolution... from ape to man... from old Heinz packet to this...

Why didn't I think of this? Why didn't anybody think of this. Who the fuck enjoyed squirting ketchup packets. Them shits probably caused more stains then leaky assholes. But this here.. Wow. It is now possible to actually eat fries with ketchup while driving. No longer does one have to scoop up ketchup off a napkin or ripped up paper bag or whatever the hell else one would use. I have not been this impressed with something until I first played Wii Sports. I can't believe it took this long for someone to make this innovation.... FUCK! If I would've invented this god damn thing I could've took Heinz down. I would have sold it to Herrs and changed the game. FUCK!

Crazy Products

Look at these products... These are real products. First off we have the "Dog Creeper Window". Your dog can be a creeper as he peers into your neighbors yard with his fucking space helmet looking thing. Can you imagine seeing that thing pop up when your trying to smoke a joint in your yard? What neighbor would agree and allow you to put this in? I think even Mr.Rogers would object. But up next it gets even better....

What the hell?! As many of you know I'm an avid hiker and I camp out in the most rugged and dangerous of climates. I use a regular sleeping bag. I give my friends shit for using the "coffin" style sleeping bag. That is basically the same but your legs are locked in. This is a "Walking Mummy" sleeping bag. If I saw this walking towards me late at night in the woods I would probably shoot at it. When you go in a "sleeping" bag why the fuck do you need to walk around? Aren't you looking to sleep?

ESPN spoils the Super Bowl

That was on ESPN... Spoilerz!!!!11!!!! But I will now post my official Super Bowl prediction. I am usually very accurate, being off by a few points. I hear some people actually bet on these games.. so if you were to bet, not saying you should, but if you were to bet....you can rely on this prediction.

The Saints will lose. Peyton Manning will shred thru that defense. The Jets defense was better then the Saints and look at what the greatest QB of all time did to them. So here it is...

COLTS 34

SAINTS 28

Max Graham - Owner Of A Lonely Heart

I've always liked this Yes song... it is pure unadulterated 80's awesomeness and this remix does it pretty good justice. This video is also pretty bad ass and funny. Its like a ode to being a childhood pervert. It also looks like one of my casting auditions... Ha ha ... I wish... my casting audition did not look this but i was sitting behind a desk wearing a suit ding my best Simon Cowell impression.

Demon Tiger

They had one of Tiger Woods 'hoe's" on TV to talk about how "evil" he is. Look at that picture they put up behind her. Tiger looks like some sort of crazed child molesting demon. My god is that pic scary. "HEEEEEERE'S TIGER!"

Lenny Kravitz filthy mouth

I was just listening to Lenny Kravitz (what?! I like the guy) and he has a line in a song called "Black Velveteen" I never could quite make out. The song is about some kind of sex robot in the future that is the best lay of all time... you know, typical Kravitz shit. Anyway the name of this robot is "Black Velveteen' and in the song Lenny is describing her. Sidenote: Lenny Kravitz is probably the worst lyricist of all time. His lyrics sound like they were written by a brain dead Dr.Seuss. Every one of his rhymes ends with the simplest of combos... "sky to high" "bye to fly" stuff like that. Anyway as part of the chorus of this song I could've sworn Lenny was saying the word "cunt". I don't think I ever heard the word "cunt" muttered in a song before. It is like the only curse word left with some venom. So after doing some research here is the actual lyric:

Black velveteen's cunt smells like strawberry kittens

Wow... Genius.

Tiger Woods

Found this article on Tiger Woods. Thought it was interesting. While reading it occasionally glance up at the photo above... This is from one of his lovers.

“Tiger’s sexual fantasies were not normal.
“He likes role playing, he likes to be the guy in control and wearing a suit while there are girls performing girl-on-girl and guys entertaining guys.
“By that, I mean they would dance for each other like girls would do for a man.
“He’d have different girls all the time, entertaining, role play, fetishes, stuff like that. But he would only watch.”
“He would engage in sex from 9pm until the sun came up - he wasn’t a healthy guy.
“He couldn’t sleep and would stay up all night. I am not sure rehab will help him.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised by anything. He had male friends, and I am sure they got involved.”

Oh. He LOVES sex. He loves just watching it.... from dusk till dawn... and he LOVES wearing suits... its not even about women... he just loves sex.

Great Quotes

"Its okay tho because its not like a thin line between love and hate... boy when them boys sing that song back in the days I never knew what the hell that mean, I still dont know what it mean... But I know that its a thin line between love and hate...And I know that damn well we are some partyin' motherfuckers."

- Ol' Dirty Bastard

Pants On The Ground American Idol

Why didn't someone show me or tell me about this earlier?! This is genius! I bet you that Simon Cowell signed to a contract as soon as he left the room

Random Ramblins

-Whats up ho's and hoettes? I've been using the term, 'Ho fo' sho'!" lately more then any white male should.

-Jersey Shore 2 is announced but wont take place at the Jersey Shore? Huh? We have a situation here. I say put them in Compton... or AMISH TOWN!!! Everyone knows the Amish equal ratings. It will be so crazy cause the Amish are like old fashioned and the "Guidos" are so not like them!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1! Its is effin craaazey. I should work for MTV with ideas like this. Give me a call Viacom!

- I turn to my daily New York Post (reading another paper would be uncivilized) and I see the Giant Obese Humongous Slobbish Rex Ryan giving me the middle finger. It is insane how well Sexy Rexy fits with the New York Jets. He was tailored made for this franchise. You can picture him chugging a beer funnel while molesting a plate of hot wings. I like using serious words inappropriately. The other day while failing miserably at my Italian final I said to my friend, "I am literally raping this test.

- Speaking another language is not for me. I can barely speak English. i have probably the worst memory of all time. Take that back... I can only remember incidents I find funny. I can not remember things like names, dates, and numbers to save my life. Literally. I am dead now... I lost my life because i could not remember when Columbus sailed the blue. Apparently it wasn't 1992.

- Hey did you see the Grammys last night?! Neither did I.

- Ive been obsessed lately with getting stoned and eating Wendy's salads. Your munching out but your doing it the healthy way.

- Who decided that blue was manly and pink was girly? You ever think of shit like this? You should.

- Why do all homeless schizophrenics think that they are being watched by the government, and that agents put microchips in them. Speaking of schizo's my cousin who is a priest said an interesting thing.... he sometimes wonders if all these schizos that apparently see the devil actually see the devil What if the devil picks on these weak that no one will believe.

- I feel bad for male ladybugs.

RARE ANIMALS1!!!!!!!

J-E-T-S! Trip Pt. 2

So I am sitting in the car on my way back from indianopolis. Yes the jets lost and cindarella is not going to the ball. What i realized is that jet fans travel like the black plague.... Make that green plague and totally devour and infect a city. They are like the Sars virus of obnoxiousness, disrepect, and overall deuchebaggery... And it is damn infectious. My second favorite football team (I still bleed Blue)made me very proud to be a New Yorker. And props to the people of Indiana who have to be some of the nicest and most accomodating fans around. The upscale steak house we were in dealt with the ugliest, loudest, and sexually deviant 2 Jet fans for a whole full hour before throwing them out. They then proceeded to to illegaly hitch a ride on the back of a horse and carriage while doing the Jets chant. Speaking of the Jets chant I wouldnt mind not hearing that again for a year. I consumed more beer and ate more food then practically ever in my life... I feel like Rex Ryan on a bender after a trip to the Sizzler. I feel like Inspector Lee... You dont want to feel like inspector lee.

J-E-T-S! Trip

Heading to Indianapolis to watch the Jets/Colts game on Sunday. When people ask me who is going to win I always cite the following quote from the song "Ms. Pretty Pussy" performed by that thespian named "Plies":

"You got the pretty set of pussy lips I've never seen

If I want to eat you, I can eat you cause your pussy clean

I thought it was all hair, that pussy sat up in those jeans

But now I got you naked I can see how that pussy hang

I better snap out this shit, or I'ma do the wrong thang

I wanna fuck you raw that pussy like is everything

Now all I wanna know, that pussy get real wet

You got a soaker I got to run my tongue cross your chest

Or I can rub on your clit and just play with ya neck"

That is just how I feel about it. If I had the word artistry of a Piles then I say it myself. Anyway look at the shirt at the top of the page... "Wow bro! You mean I can rock my Affliction shirt and still rep out the Jets?!" *does fist pump* Yessir.... they are selling them right now on their official website. So either the Jets are going to the win or a bunch of children in Haiti are going to think the Jets went to the Super Bowl.

Goodbye Horses

And we have a winner! Weirdest thing I have ever seen on the internet. This guy.....err "unicorn" makes Buffallo Bill look like the most sane man on the planet.

Bizarre Dream

I had a BIZARRE dream just now. I fell asleep while watching "Apocalypse Now Redux" and dreamt up an ending which I thought was real. Ive never seen the film in its entirety before, and heard about it having multiple endings. It played while I dozed off and my dream was that I woke up long enough to catch the ending. The ending was so bizarre that when I woke up I looked up "Apocalypse Now Ending" on google. I saw no mention of the ending I saw and went and re-watched it and was shocked when it ended on the stone idol face.

In my dream Martin Sheen kills Brando just like the real movie. You then hear him doing a narration over a black screen. In the narration he is talking about how he feels sympathetic towards Brando's character, and as he has gotten older he has learned to appreciate his thoughts and has even begun to think like him. We then cut to see an older Martin Sheen sitting at a desk holding a stack of papers staring at a camera. Behind him is the presidential seal of the united states and we see that the narration is actually a speech he is preparing. He goes over some lines while scribbling some stuff down. A producer then counts him down and the red light on the camera goes on and he begins his speech with the opening lines of narration from the film.

Pretty weird right? I swear to you I really woke up thinking this was the ending of the film. The dream was so vivid and seemed so real. Trying to make sense of it now, I must have seen Martin Sheen playing the president on that television show (West Wing I believe?) a while back. In my dream state I must have conjured up that image of him and added it to the ending of the film, which i felt I woke up to catch the end of.

Brandon Lee Compliments Dolph Lundgren

Nate Kaedings Wikipedia

Jets

Tomlinson is Playoff kryptonite. How many years have I've seen LT sitting alone one the bench pouting while watching his team being eliminated from the playoffs. He is a first ballot hall of famer but he will never truly get that great of praise for never winning the big one. His situation is different then Marino; LT has had some truly amazing teams around him. What is wrong with these Chargers? It can't be the coaching... Theres a lot of good free agent coaches out there... Nor Turner might be on the chopping block.

What an idiot Vincent Jackson is. Kicking the challenge flag? Real smart? Has anyone noticed how many times this head ref has fucked up speaking? He just penalized the wrong player.

NFL Playoffs

Today is football day! I am amped! I think these games today are going to be close, with big upsets and all around general mayhem. Lets breakdown each game with the score you will be seeing...

COLTS 28

RAVENS 14

- This is a statement game for the Colts and if they were too lose then the critics would never close their mouths about the benching of their stars. This is the only game I think that will not be close.

CARDINALS 31

SAINTS 35

A shootout. Neither team is that good but the cardinals defense is banged up.

COWBOYS 31

VIKINGS 26

The Vikings are cold and the 'Boys are hot. The ONLY way the Vikings can win this one is if Peterson goes nuts. I don't see that happening. I see Brett Favre getting sacked and throwing picks.

CHARGERS 23

JETS 24

Yeah baby... Defense wins championships and the Jets have the number one defense... and add to that the number one running game. I'm getting flashbacks of the Super Bowl Giants with this Jets team, they have that same swagger. There is one thing the Jets need to be careful of, and that is kickoff returns. Sproles can and probably will run one back. The Jets give up a lot of yards on the kickoff, allowing teams to start at the 40. Bottom line is I think Jets win.

Sexual Predator

These people are probably better off dead...

CNN says today that the 3D effects in ‘Avatar’ are so intense that some people go home depressed and even suicidal, because they would rather be living in the world from the movie, on Pandora with the 10-foot cats.

Valedicktorianne

Below is my Valedicktorianne speech for my upcoming college graduation. Above is a tattoo a real guy who got arrested had.

It's a great honor being your Valedicktorianne. When I first heard I was being given this honor I ran to my dictionary to look the word up and find the correct spelling. I never was much of a "word finder" and soon realized my attention span is way to short to find such a complex word. To truly understand the meaning of the word, we must disect it. "Vale" - You add a "t" to this and its "valet". You are in charge of the parking lot, you control people's cars, and when a valet is present, it's usually expensive cars. Thats a big job title right there. "Dick" - I hear this is slang now a days for the male penis, not to be confused with the female penis. This is kind of important too. And finally you have "Tori" and "Anne", the names of the two women who starred in "2 Girls, 1 Cup". Wow. This is some big shit.. or as the Italians would say; Grande shit. Is Kriss Kringle the real name of Santa Claus? And if so why does "Santa" use this alias. Or is Kriss Kringle simply a Santa Claus impersonator? So in closing they asked me to give some advice to the future graduates... don't go with AT&T service, my cell phone doesn't get a ring tone anywhere.

Tag Team

I manage a professional wrestling tag team in Japan called "The Un-Natural Disasters". The duo consists of "Mr. Titanic" and "The Nine-Eleven". We lost our tag titles when Captain Lou Albano threw salt in the refs eyes. Captain Lou you are a reptillian motherfucker and I want my "Pirates of the Carribean 3" Blu-Ray DVD back. You dont own a blu-ray player and never will! Same goes for you Mr.Fuji!

DA YANKEEZ SUX!

PROOF YANKEES ARE GAY (CLICK)

AND THE METS AREN'T

That is the actual headline on ESPN.com . Click it to go to the article if you don't believe me. I told you Yankees fan are gay.

New Years

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR EVERYONE!!!1!!!1!! (Simply copy and paste as your status in fRiendBOOK or Tweeter)

My New Years resolution is to stop drinking.... the tears of Native American children.

My New Years resolution is to stop bathing in the urine of Egyptian virgins.

My New Years resolution is to quit my job at Abercrombie and Fitch.

My New Years resolution is to stop exchanging text messages with R&B sensation Chris Brown.

My New Years resolution is to stop being haunted by Abbie Lincoln's ghost.

My New Years resolution is to stop wearing my "Milf Hunter" t-shirt.

The O.D.B Story

When my grandpa recounts a story it is always in bits and pieces. It is usually one line of information and in order to piece together a sensible story you have to basically interrogate him. This New Years I went to a club and saw Wale do a couple of songs. I was telling my grandpa about this rapper and it reminded him of his encounter with the Ol' Dirty Bastard.

GRANDPA :"What was the name of that rapper I sold to the car to?"

FRIEND: "Ol Dirty Bastard"

GRANDPA: "Yeah, what a sick fuck he was!"

ME: "WHAT?!?!"

I have never seen my grandpa talk so vehemently about someone being insane.. The fact is he is not exactly the picture of sanity himself. So here is the story as best as I could piece it together...

O.D.B comes to my grandpas car dealer ship about 10 years ago. My grandfather has ordered him a brand new Infiniti truck with very expensive tires on it. O.D.B takes one look at it and the first thing he says is, "Take those tires off I wanna nigga-rig it." Those are his exact words.

He then proceeds to pay with a large garbage bag. In that bag is an assortment and 10, 20, and 100 dollar bills.

While my grandpa is in the trailer doing the paperwork for the deal he hears a gunshot go off. He comes out to find that the tail light of another car has been shot out. He asks what the heel happened and apparently O.D.B was playing around with his gun and it went off. I asked if my grandpa made him pay and he said, "No... but we fucked him over with the deal".

And that is the story of when my grandfather met the Ol' Dirty One.