Ask Sonic

The newest edition of Sonics mailbag. Feel free to send in a question and we will have Sonic answer it in between his court dates.

Dear Sonic,

What do you think of the Olympics?

Jessica

California

SONIC: Fuck the Olympics... I take that back. They got some young shortys doing gymnasiums with thighs like a fucking race horse. A n*gga like me could break his dick off inside that sweet cooch brown all day. I'd eat the corn out they ass...cause a n*gga fuck like he got hydrolics....fuck like a rabbit. I be hittin' switches on bitches fo' sho. And they be young too... like 15. Ho's aint like wine... they don't get better with age. HA HA HA HA!

8.15.08

Something funny I just noticed.... The cable company screwed up or something, so they offered me a month free of Starz! Now this channel is pretty bad ass with a lot of new good movies. However, I find myself not watching it.... or better yet, not allowing myself to watch it. I don't want to be spoiled by it and enjoy it, and then have it taken from me in a months time. Thanks but no thanks Time Warner Cable. This is probably the same reason I have never had a pet besides for a hermit crab.

I feel I definetly get this mentality from my grandpa. He is old school to the core....a self made man by way of his hands. I was working construction for him last summer. I'm working like a dog out in one thousand degree weather, sweating like a Patrick Ewing Game 7 of the Finals. So he comes to pick me up in his car to go to lunch during my break. I get in the car expecting some nice cold air condition, and lo and behold, its actually hotter then outside. I go to turn on the AC and he stops me. "What the hell?" He then explains to me that if i get too comfortable now, it will make me want to work less, and it will make the work that much harder. I didn't question this at all, and totally got it. I implement this in my life now a days. My gramps always used to say to me too, "You hand out with a cripple, you'll start to limp." Thats why I never hang out with cripples.

Kanye West - Champion

8.13.08

Shit. I just kind of figured out this whole "religion" thing. Mount Sinai where Moses "found" the commandments....guess what grew around that area. Yup. Psychedelic mushrooms. See, now doesn't it make a lot sense? They were all tripping balls....no wonder they saw burning bushes and shit.

HA HA HA HA!

So I was watching this ass clown the other night and my dad walks in. He looks at the screen and says, "I really want to watch this asshole mess up and die." Thats how everyone feels about Criss Angel. Well we got something pretty cool the other night....this is assuming this is real. Criss Angel tries to catch a nail from a nail gun and it goes horribly wrong and goes right through his hand. I wish it wouldve went right through his fucking forehead. I would never wish death on someone or tell someone to kill anybody....but what if someone would just make this asshole disappear? You would be doing the world a favor.

8.12.08

Im watching the Packer pre-season game right now am I'm liking what I'm seeing from Aaron Rodgers. Now... I do like Favre a lot, and think he still has some in his tank...but I feel the Packers did the RIGHT thing. Favre was becoming too much of a distraction and you have planned your future with Rodgers...one man does not come before a team. I lost a lot of respect for Favre in this off season and have grown to like Aaron Rodgers a lot more, and find myself rooting for him. The Packers are a good team. The Favre-less Packers will be a better team then the Favre Jets. What people need to realize is the Packers have sick wide receivers in Driver and Jennings....Jets...not so much. Have the Jets gotten better? Yes of course. Are they a playoff team....Eh. A playoff team? Probably not.... but they have gotten a LOT more interesting. Will Favre be the savior of the Jets? No. He will not have numbers like last year, but he should be a decent QB.

BTW: The Bengals look like a disaster... worst team in the league type disaster.

8.11.08

If you dont know about "Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia", I feel bad for you. It is, for my money, the funniest show on television... and the new season is right around the corner. They recently had an article in Complex Magazine (great mag BTW), and they give their favorite pick up lines...some are really good....

"You have AIDS? Me too! Lets Bang!"

"I slipped you something an hour ago, what the fuck is going on?"

"Are you drunk enough to bang yet?"

"Hey I dont see any other girls here. Whats your name?"

RIP Bernie Mac

Bernie Mac has always been one of my favorite comedians. He is hilarious and was a comedic genius. He will be missed.

8.7.08

What? What?! What the hell has just happened?! BTW: Coming to the nearest McDonalds... Chad Pennington serving fries.

8.6.08

Holy crap... did you guys watch that below? Mr.Rogers is a fucking demon... El Diablo.... El Blanco Diablo! What did you do this weekend? Oh I was just filming a movie I wrote Beatrice! Ha Ha Ha. Yes its true El Dandy! I spent this LONG weekend filming the newest and greatest short film evar called "Found". Its the "coming of age of a Hitman". You like that line right there? Thats basically me saying to people "fuck off", when they ask me what the film is about. Ha Ha. Im sorry but its true. I get asked so much for a play by play breakdown of every line in the script, that I now just give that one line. If I gave you a longer explanation of the film, I must have been in a good mood or was looking to get laid. 

Friday was probably the hardest day of the shoot thus far. We shot from 3 PM to 6 AM. Great fun. We were in a small apartment, with 8 sweaty stinky men, all the windows closed, no air condition, and 1 million watt lights shining on us. We started shedding clothes so quickly it started to look like we were shooting a gay porno. "Men In Heat". Im really feeling what we filmed was magical. I would really love to talk candidly on this blog about some on set shit and what not, but you don't shit were you eat. The crew got along great, I genuinely enjoyed the company of everyone and would work with them again in a heartbeat. 

8.5.08

There is no God....

8.4.08

The greatest film company of all time? Damn man.... Pixar has their shit together. They have never had a flop, and the only two films that weren't called the greatest things ever were "Cars" and a "Bugs Life". They just keep making hit after hit.... but thats not what is impressive to me. Its how innovative and how unafraid of risks they are. Their latest film... Wall-E doesn't have dialogue for the first 40 minutes. Thats ballsy. I still have not seen it and I'm dying to.... I have a strong feeling I will agree its the film of the year. Pixar is untouchable and just prints money.... they remind me a lot of Nintendo. Nintendo is another company that goes against the grain and always finds success. Both are family friendly companies who agree with the slogan "less is more". They both have smaller libraries but their names go hand and hand with quality.

8.1.08

This is probably the most racist toy ever made...

Fuck white people.

8.1.08

INT. Riches Deli - Basement - Night

MJ, 23, sits slouched on a couch enjoying the company of his friends. He gently puffs on a cigarette and holds a beer in the other hand. His friends all laugh hysterically at the jokes he is telling and there is nothing but smiles around the room.

Everything goes silent as Tony, a 23 year old guinea, walks into the room. He wears a nasty scowl on his face and is angered by the laughter he perviously heard.

TONY

What the fuck MJ you little slut?! Why aren't you working! 

MJ

But Tony its my day off.

Tony SLAPS MJ across the face with two swift fists. All of the friends jaws drop to the floor.

TONY

I'm the boss God Dammit!

Tony SLAPS him again..as the sound echoes through out the room. Everyone in the room is feeling uneasy and nervous.

MJ

I only tried to do the right thing..I'm sorry.

SLAP!

Tony turns and goes to make his way out of the room. He abruptly stops.

Tony

             I'm taking your shoe too you mother fucker.

Tony removes the sneaker and walks out of the basement with a huge smile on his face.

FADE OUT:

7.27.08

Jesus Christ... thats a real burger. Its from a place called Heart Attack Grill. How the hell are you suppose to bite into that thing without unhinging your jaw. I mean honestly. How in the hell is that possible?

7.27.08

Oh yeah... was filming today from 5 AM to 5 PM. What do I like to do when I get home to unwind? I like to watch the vid above. It brings a huge smile every time I see animals speaking human talk. If a cat talked human to me I would bring it to the Chinese Food place and make in General Tso. Speaking of which.... I'm pretty sure that at least on two occasions i have eaten cat from a chinese food restuarant. Actually.... isn't cat more expensive then chicken? Why would they go out of their way to capture a cat when they can get cheap grade F chicken? It mustve been rat.

7.24.08

I've never been to a convention before. I don't like Star Trek... think Star Wars is good but not great.... and could care less about comics. What do I feel passionately enuff about to drive 6 and a half hours to go to a festival. God damn buffalo wings of course. I LOVE buffalo wings more then I will love my own children. They are God's apology to humans.... yup. After he created that flood and fucked with Noah... he created Buffalo Wings to as a way to say sorry. This festival has sauces of every flavor you could imagine....even a fucking Cocconut flavor. Yeah I know that probably tastes like crusty ass, but its cool to know it exists. So Im amped man... end of August.

7.23.08

I just got a fake prop gun in the mail for the film I'm gonna start shooting. While I was holding it and playing around with it, it hit me. This profession is awesome. Making movies is not a job. Its writing stories, playing dress up, running around with guns playing cops and robbers. This is not work. This is being a kid and making money off it (hopefully). Yeah... some jobs like holding the lights are not fun, but the majority of the people working, are really just big kids who refused to grow up. Big kids who didn't want to wear a shirt and tie and sit at a desk. And everyone involved in this business is a little crazy... you have to be.... I know I am... The Joker character is based off me.

I've really been feeling this Hyper Crush shit (see the video below). I am a HUGE 80's fan so I think that might also be a reason, and plus they are singing about fucking Duck Hunt...whats not to like?

The Giants god rid of Shockey... good riddance. The Mets are fighting for first place... I told you Willie Randolph was no good.

7.22.08

Some new group called "Hyper Crush". They got that 80's styyyyyle. Plus one of the dudes wears the Nintendo power glove and the other is rocking out on a keytar. Definetly cool dudes in my book.

Survey

This is strictly for the people here in Maspeth.

I want your feedback and you can post a comment totally anonymous. 

Recently, someone has gotten into a car accident while said person was intoxicated. He has a history of crashing cars, so this is not an isolated incident. Now he wants to add alcohol into the equation and the safety of everyone on the roads is in danger. Should this "man" be allowed to drive on the roads again? Please leave me a comment.

7.21.08

Just please watch this... it is amazing.

7.20.08

Half man.... Half DOG! This is 100 percent real... a rare video from Iran and the sick product of their bizarre experiments.

MJ AT THE BATMAN

I have a surprise for you.... Believe it or not, "Batman: The Dark Knight" is not the greatest film of all time. Its good... but its not great. I take that back... the film is great up until the final act, then it basically loses all its steam and kinda sucks. If you want to pinpoint the exact spot the film goes to shit, its as soon as "Two Face" comes onto the scene. The Two Face feels too unbelievable for the world that has been created, and his flip a coin routine was done a THOUSAND times better in "No Country For Old Men". Basically, Two Face is the suck.

Heath Ledger... he kills his performance as the Joker...err..poor choice of words I suppose. But this character is amazing. He gives a lifetime performance and is probably one of the greatest villians ever. There is no remorse and reasoning to this mad man. There is no back story as to why he is so twisted. (he does give and ever changing one to different people) He basically plays the Devil, and manipulates those around him to do wrong. He is not controlled by sex or money or any other vices that normal men succumb to. He even seems numb to pain. This is the main difference between this Joker and Nicholson's Joker. Nicholson's Joker was a lot more human, and even desired a woman.

Now here is my single biggest pet peeve about this film. Its Batman's friggin voice! The voice Christian Bale puts on when he is Batman sounds like he is attempting his best Ultimate Warrior impression. There were like 6 times when Batman murmured something that I couldn't help but laugh out loud. So overall, I would give this 2 and a half stars out of four, and Two of those are for Heath Ledger alone.

Now here is what pisses me off the most... the fucking fanboys. They swear up and down that this is the greatest film ever made and wont even listen to any negative criticism. I saw it with a huge comic book fan and even he wasn't that big on it. Its a good film no doubt, but its not worth creaming your pants over.... then again I have never like superheroes too much, and was more excited over "The Watchmen" trailer beforehand. Watch out for that one.

Ok let me really break this film down....SPOILERS ahead...

SPOILERS!


!
!
!
!

Ok. So watching the film it becomes obvious that the Joker was going to continue on in the series. The movie builds up to this big climatic Joker/Batman fight to the death, but it never happened. Joker doesn't die and the big "fight" is reserved to Batman/Two Face. I was pissed that Two Face was "born" and died in this film. I thought he was just being groomed for the next film. When you have a villian as powerful as the Joker, you don't need to add another one. Adding Two Face just makes things more of a clusterfuck. And Two Face starts off as one of the most heroic guys in the film and then just suddenly transforms into an evil bastard. The transformation is quick and feels rushed. Then this Two Face character, who is very lame, winds up becoming the centerpiece of the film in its final act and steals the screen time from the Joker. I'm sorry, but I could give a fuck about Two Face. Every scene with Two Face made me ask, "Where the fuck is the Joker?!" This half ass afterthought of a character is going to take from me the showdown I was waiting whole movie for? and "Scarecrow" from the first movie makes one of the WORST cameos ever in a film.

7.18.08

Greatest performer of our generation? I think so.

7.17.08

Tomm I'm going to go see The Batman in the iMax. I will post a brutally honest review after seeing it. Will it live up to its HUUUGE expectations. I don't know. If Heath Ledger sucks as joker, I will say he sucks.... no sympathy cause hes dead. So be sure to check back here for the definitive review of "Batman: The Dark Knight". Screw Roger Ebert and Variety and Entertainment Weekly.

7.15.08

Genius

7.11.08

So its official....my ass officially owes California $377 for my marijuana arrest. On top of that I owe Long Island $150 for violation of the HOV lane. When it rains it pours. What the fuck man?! Don't these fucking cops realize how much gas costs? Do they realize we are in a recession. These stupid tickets hurt my damn pockets, and are the damn reason that I will spending the next 2 weeks in the soup kitchen. Look at that pic above... doesn't the cat look like Robert DeNiro in the third one? I'm finally filming the movie I wrote in August and am holding my final audition today. I sit behind a table and jot notes on these people feeling way too much like a American Idol judge. I like to think of myself as a Simon but my frequent use of the word "dawg" makes me more of that black guy I guess.

7.7.08

That is probably the sexiest outfit I have ever seen and a sure fire winner for best costume this Halloween. Wow. The only thing that could fulfill my weird fetishes better then that is a hot chick dressed as a fucking Ninja Turtle.... make that a TEENAGE ninja turtle. Ha Ha. Get it?

One other quick comment. Theres a new movie coming out called "Disaster Movie". It is another "spoof" movie which all started with "Scary Movie". There has also been similar movies like "Date Movie", "Epic Movie", and "Superhero Movie". This shit seriously needs to stop. These movies are god awful. I am going to make a film called "Shitty Movie" which is going to be a spoof of these spoof movies.

7.6.08

As many of you know I have recently been teaching the second grade glass at Saint Beatrices elementary school. For their latest project I asked them to draw for me a famous historic moment. Here are my favorite two.


This is Michaelangelo painting the chapel.


And this is the Underground Railroad.

7.5.08

How Not To Fake A Heart Attack - Watch more free videos


Genius.... this guy wearing a very pimp white suit tries to get out of a court appearance by faking a heart attack. He falls to the floor, and then pretends to be "unconscious" for the rest of his appearance. The doctors check him and there is no problem with his health, but he still remains "unconscious" hoping for a mistrial. I love it.

So what happened? Did he successfully defend himself against the charges of assault with a deadly weapon? Nah. He got 42 years of prison.

DMX - Where Da hood At?!

Great Moments in Songwriting...

If you did not know... DMX absolutely hates gay people. If you don't believe me just listen to the lyrics of his hit "Where Da Hood At?!". It might be one of the most homophobic songs in the history of a music and is definitely a great moment in songwriting.

Man, cats don't know what it's gonna be
Fuckin with a nigga like me, D-to-the-M-to-the-X
Last I heard, y'all niggaz was havin sex, with the SAME sex
I show no love, to homo thugs
Empty out, reloaded and throw more slugs
How you gonna explain fuckin a man?
Even if we squashed the beef, I ain't touchin ya hand
I don't buck with chumps, for those to been to jail
That's the cat with the Kool-Aid on his lips and pumps
I don't fuck with niggaz that think they broads
Only know how to be ONE WAY, that's the dog
I know how to get down, know how to BITE
Bark very little, but I know HOW TO FIGHT
I know how to chase a cat up in the tree
MAN, I GIVE Y'ALL NIGGAZ THE B'INESS FOR FUCKIN WIT ME, IS YOU CRAZY?!?

Well lets break down these lyrics shall we. Apparently someone approached DMX and told him the concept of a gay male...a man having sex with the same sex. DMX was outraged by this and asks the question to all of society, "How you gonna explain fuckin a man?" DMX is so disgusted he wouldn't even shake the hand of gay man if they were friends. DMX then recalls his time in jail and remembers that he has previously encountered homosexuals, but he still doesn't like them.

Towards the end of the song however, DMX kind of changes his tune....

I get tapes doin times, stop niggaz like grapes makin wine
Five CD's with mad rhymes
Don't hit me with that positive shit, I know you lyin
You really wanna stop niggaz from dyin? Stop niggaz from tryin
I cuz I ain't really got that time to waste
and I thought I told you to get these fuckin bums out my face
Lookin atchu in your grill, I might be nice to cut
Once I split ya ass in two, you'll be twice as butt
Yeah, you right, I know ya style - PUSSY cuz I'm fuckin it
Since we all right here, you hold my dick while he suckin it
MOTHERFUCKER, don't you know you'll never come near me
Shove ya head up ya ass, have you seein shit clearly
Never heard that D be runnin, cuz D be gunnin
I beat my dick and bust off in ya eye so you can see me comin/cumin
Empty clips and shells are what I leave behind
and if they get me with the joint, they hit me with a three-to-nine

Once I split ya ass in two, you'll be twice as butt?! What the hell! "Since we all right here, you hold my dick while he suckin it." WHAT! He sucking it?! Having a guy suck your dick is pretty gay to me any way you cut it. I thought DMX was against same sex intercourse. I guess he doesn't consider oral sex as intercourse. He then says he will masterbate into another mans eye. Wow....

6.30.08

I don't have a short temper, but today I damn near lost my mind. my credit card has been f'n up so I had to call Visa. This lameitory asshole who they put me on the phone with damn near made me jump threw the phone. He had a smug little attitude and wouldn't give me any info until I answered a thousand security questions. The worse part was he constantly mumbled and spoke so quickly that he sounded like that guy from Dick Tracy. The conversation escalated in intensity with basically me yelling, "What?!" after every line he mumbled. Eventually after not being able to answer a security question which stumped me for 15 minutes I totally lost my cool and said these exact lines... "What are we playing fucking Guess Who here? If you were sitting in front of me I would punch you." I later apologized for taking it too far. I can't remember the last time I snapped like this without the help of the liquor demons.

So to something more happy. Look at this pic....







It looks like a normal bridge right? Kind of nice. Now here is where it gets weird. Look at the pic again but this time look for "Pac-Man". Ha! You will NEVER be able to look at that pic again and not see Pac-Man.

6.29.08

Just thought I'd post two reasons why Japan kicks yo ass....

This sign actually exists in Japan. HA HA HA! I love the fact that the woman obviously sees him and is crying. Is the sign a warning for the woman or a threat to the guy. Who knows.

And then there is this. When I was a kid my favorite game of all time was "the crane". This is the crane but you are going for fucking lobsters. How in the blue hell can you win this game? Lobsters, unlike dolls, can actually move. And I know from experience that the claw closes like shit. And lets just say a lobster is grabbed and dropped down into the prize thingie.... then what the fuck do you do? Grab a live lobster and walk around the rest of the day with it? I dont know if lobsters are considered animals, but this shit is animal cruelty..... but it doesnt stop its awesomness. As soon as I saw this it went VERY high up on my list of things I want to do in my lifetime.... right above having kids.


UPDATE! I found footage of this bad boy in action.

Lose your mind forever!

Do you want to lose your mind forever? Do you want your reality to be completely blown? Do you want to suddenly have suicidal thoughts? Well then watch this video. This is from a children's show, and it is one of the creepiest things I ever witnessed. It just made me feel dirty and uneasy like nothing else. This really is a work of art, but god damn if it wont mentally fuck you up. If you watch this one drugs you will probably lose your mind forever or take your own life on the spot. Viewer beware....your in for a scare.

6.28.08

Here are some amazing YTMND's. Watch them with Firefox for best results. Make sure you watch them all... this is the cream of the crop.

http://armedanimals.ytmnd.com/
http://timetraveler.ytmnd.com/
http://bubbrain.ytmnd.com/
http://jimcarreybobblehead.ytmnd.com/
http://threeinchesofbloodsport.ytmnd.com/
http://patience-king4.ytmnd.com/
http://fatalitiesthreehundred.ytmnd.com/
http://arnoldwantsytmndnow.ytmnd.com/
http://dreamcookie.ytmnd.com/
http://lukecompany.ytmnd.com/
http://youtouchmywiiwii.ytmnd.com/

And here is another web gem. Its a message from the biggest douchebag in the whole world. Some guy got some girls business card and called her and left this message. Sit back and enjoy this wonderful thing.


http://view.break.com/527579 - Watch more free videos

Ok and then one more thing you HAVE to watch. It is hands down the scariest commercial of all time. Fuck... it is one of the scariest things of all time.

www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=30994

6.26.08

The first time a laugh track makes a show SOOOO much better.

6.24.08

Ha Ha Ha! I love this. I like Shaq and hate Kobe Bryant so I really enjoy this new song... "Kobe tell me how my ass tastes". Shaq whips out some good lines here like: "I'm a horse, Kobe is a rat, thats why I got a divorce." Ha! Shaq is referring to when kobe got caught raping and took a jab saying, "Maybe I should just pay all these girls a million like Shaq." Kobe is a real douche for doing that and deserves Shaq rap wrath.

6.23.08

Thought I'd give everyone a little gift. Its the newest mixtape from 50 Cent. Now this isn't your typical rap mixtape.... its 50 doing a verse followed by a whole great old school R&B song. This is real grown and sexy music right here.... great for the summer.

http://www.zshare.net/download/1391361382c659d1/

Ask Sonic

This is the new feature here that will appear once a month. To celebrate its launch this is the second one I'm posting.... then you assholes have to wait a month. Sonic really needs no introduction. He is the "bad boy of the 90's", and a frequent "visitor" of many a prison. 

Dear Sonic,

I was just curious to find out what are some of your favorite hobbies? What do you in your spare time to chillax?

Audrey

Richmond, VA

SONIC: I remember when we were in the showers in the pen. This n*gga Donkey Kong walks in, and I swear to God, I thought a black midget was walking between his legs. That n*gga washed next to me and I made damn sure to hold that soap as tight as I wanted to keep my asshole, you know what I'm sayin? Wait... what was the question?

Ask Sonic

Sonic The Hedgehog is a regular here at the blog. He oozes 90's attitude... an era where it was all about cool shades, giving thumbs up, leather jackets, and spewing witty sarcastic one-liners. In between his legal battles, Sonic will be a part of a new feature here at "The Voices"..... This is the first edition of "Ask Sonic".

Dear Sonic,

I have had a crush on this girl that works at the Waffle House for a while now. I finally mustered up the courage to ask her on a date and she said yes! I'm so excited, but I don't know where to take her on our first date. I want to leave a good impression.... do you have a suggestion?

Jeremy

Virginia

Sonic: Huh? The bitch works at the waffle house.... make her get you some free shit or something. I don't know why a n*gga be dating in the first place.... this ain't the 50's n*gga where I take a ho to the drive thru movies. I take my ho's to the bathroom stall and let them run they mouth till they knees sore. The only reason Sonic ever got blue balls is cause of my fur. I'll even let that little n*gga Tails make out with them after I bust up in they mouth.... I don't tell him tho. HA HA HA!

6.22.08

This man above is the single reason why the Mets are entertaining this season. Jerry Manuel, the new Mets manager is out of his friggin mind. I first realized this at his introductory speech as manager where made the comment, "Gangstas on the field, woman on the bus." Some reporter was talking loud and he yelled at him, "YO! YO! Take that outside man!" I knew right away this was the manager we needed. The other day Reyes threw a tantrum and Jerry Manuel made one of my favorite comments ever about it: "I told him the next time he does that, I'm going to get my blade out and cut him right on the field. I'm a gangsta." That is awesome. I don't think any other manager has threatened to cut a player. He then went on to refer to Reyes as a woman saying, "She acted up with me, and she had a day off." Now just today he is quoted as saying that angry Mets fans are fertilizer....basically pieces of shit. This guy is really helping to liven things up.

6.21.08

Something that always bothered me as a kid. Sea Worlds big attraction is the whale named Shamu. He's a pretty cool guy I guess. But here's what gets me....when I asked what kind of whale Shamu is..."Oh...he's a killer whale." What?! How can he be friendly? The name of his species starts with the word "Killer"!  If you fell in the water that motherfucker would KILL you...no hesitation. The photo above is obviously doctored...cause that girl would be in two pieces if that was real. Bottom Line is this... Shamu is cool, but just realize what he is. He is a stone cold killer. He would and wants to kill you. Enjoy him but be cautious.

6.21.08

I will no longer talk to anyone who goes and sees this piece of shit in a theatre. Mike Meyers sucks. Austin Powers sucks....bottom line. Every article I've read from every person that has worked with him has said that Mike Meyers is a pompous piece of crap of J.Lo proportions. Every review of this movie says it is GOD AWFUL. Just look at the friggin preview....he is re-hashing Austin Powers and that god awful drunk midget is back in it. Thats same dwarf who pissed on the floor on the surreal life. I feel very passionately about this and I wan't this movie to flop terribly. Please America! Prove to me this country is not as dumb as some think and lets this movie BOMB. Godspeed.

6.20.08

How do I feel about the Mets? I can't post my true feelings about the team without dropping every curse word in the book and creating 3 new ones. They are on equal level with the Knicks right now, and that is FAR from a compliment. Thank god for my Giants, because New York sports doesn't give me much too cheer. I just pray that when I have kids and they are growing up, the will be able to witness some great new york sports teams....like the Knicks when I was a kid in '94. What does have me amped however is this new Ghostbusters game coming out for XBOX360 and PS3 I think. It was written as a movie script but since they are old fags now, they realized they needed a new medium. So what we have now is this bad ass game that is going to be voice acted by everyone form the main cast...including Mr.Bill Murray. If that doesn't get your pulse racing then go check into a morgue.

I had a weird dream the other day....A lot of my friends who come from a family with a lot of siblings were suddenly becoming homeless. The costs of college and all that, and the slipping economy actually forced them to live homeless for a couple of months until a government check would come and allow them to get a cheap apartment. I was fortunate, being an only child, and was able to afford an apartment. I felt terrible for my friends however and even considered going homeless with one of them...but in the end pussied out. The thing was that secret homeless societies were being set up in the subways. I agreed to take my friend there to check it out and to eventually leave him there. What I saw was terrible... with rampant drug use, murder, rape, rats and filth everywhere, and everything else bad you could think of. I tried to convince him it was not that bad and go the hell out of there ASAP. Back in my apartment I was haunted by what I had seen. Time then seemed to jump and my friend finally had enough money to move into a small apartment. I went to visit him and was frightened about how much he changed for the worse. He was a shell of his former self. The dream ended with me realizing we would no longer be friends again. Try analyzing and breaking that one down.

6.19.08

I love the word "nigger". I would never say it however, and thats the beauty behind it. When white people are outraged and say, "who can only the blacks say it?", to me that is one of the funniest things a white person can say. Do we have to take everything away from them? It is genius what they have done...to take a negative word we invented, put a new spin on it, and play keep away with it. White people love stealing things from other cultures....music, food, you name it. Lets be honest here, slaves were owed 40 acres and a mule and they got nothing! The least we can let them have is the word "nigger". And when I hear white kids saying it trying to be cool...its like a dagger into my heart. And if your a black person...please dont allow your white friends the "lee-way" to say nigger around you. i dont care if it ends with an "a". Thats my final ruiling on the word "nigger" or "nigga". Only for black people, and absolutely not for any white people....despite how cool you are with black people. Now on Spanish people using the word...thats a whole nother issue.

6.17.08

John C. Reily deserves a f'n Oscar for his performance as Dr. Steve Brule, the socially awkward, semi-retarded journalist. Here is one of the better skits.

6.17.08

I am an Obama supporter. If I actually went out and voted, I would vote for him. Oh my god! *GASP* Yes its true, I have never voted and probably never will. I do not want my voice to be heard, I want Puffdaddy to come and make me die. I don't know why the media has such a hard on with making everyone vote lately....who gives a fuck? I think most people shouldn't be allowed to vote, especially those ass backwards hicks in the South who love war. Me personally, I wouldn't mind a group of the smartest people in the U.S. who have many meetings and decide the president for us....sort of like how the Pope is decided. I know people might say my views are shocking and Un-American but I know a lot of people agree with me.

Anyway...the reason why I'm a Obama supporter.... it's because he's black. I enjoy seeing odd things happen. A black president is something I didn't think I would see for a LONG time, and I think its pretty cool. I would also love to see the faces on those racist hicks when he is elected. I don't like Hillary but it would be funny if she was Vice President too. A Black president and a white woman vice president. The KKK members would shit a brick! I supported Schwazanegger for the same reasons. I found it hilarious Arnie was gonna be governor. It might not be the best choice, but it certainly is the most interesting. If Obama doesn't win now, I don't think we will see a black president for a long time. I don't feel the world is really there yet to accept this...the only reason I feel it is happening is because of unusual circumstances....stuff like 9/11 and Iraq. People hated Bush so much that they will accept anything....even a black man or a woman. Sadly I'm predicting McCain will win.

Dock Ellis - Hero

Who is this man? Its Dock Ellis... an American Hero. Why is he a hero.... he threw a no-hitter...while on acid! Amazing! Outlandish! Supernatural! Apparently he was just chilling out at home with his girlfriend dropping some acid. He didn't realize he had a game that day until she looked at the paper and saw he was pitching in a couple of hours. I love how unorganized baseball was back then, the players didn't even know when it was game day. So anyway he decides to go pitch and throws a fucking no hitter. Here he is reminiscing...

"I can only remember bits a pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria. I was zeeroed in on the [catcher's] glove, but I didn't hit the glove too much....The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the cathcher, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down while I was looking at him."

How awesome is it when your acid flashback is a no hitter in the majors?

6.13.08

R. Kelly has been found NOT GUILTY on all accounts. Thats right. I don't know how the hell the "Lesbian R & B Thug" pulled this one off. His defense actually used the film "Little Man" as evidence that you can superimpose someone's face onto a different body. This has to rank right up there with O.J. Simpson. It is a great day and calls for celebration.

6.12.08

Not much to say today...Just thought I would post this genius of photography here. I don't know how this pic came about, but I know I would love to. Was it a planned picture? Was it a spur of the moment capture? Is this old man just a pervert? Does he grab his crotch often? And where the hell was this picture taken? on the set of "How the West was won"? These are answers I need to know. They say every picture tells a tale....I say BULLSHIT!

6.11.08

True Story....while I was out in California I got busted by a cop while riding dirty with some weed. He gave me a ticket. The problem now is they want me to travel back to California to attend court. No way Jose. So they told me to write a letter to the judge. Here is that letter:


To Whom It May Concern,


I am writing this in regards to a ticket I received in the state of California. I have enclosed a photocopy of the ticket. I am from Queens, New York and was on vacation in the Newport Beach area. One of the nights I was pulled over by an officer while in possession of some weed. He knew we were blazing seconds earlier because of the stench of the car. He even said the line, and I swear on my life on this, "It smells like Cheech and Chongs bedroom in there." He wrote me a ticket and told me I would have to pay a fine. It was at this time I asked him if I could mail in the payment, to which he responded yes. However, now I am receiving letters saying that I must attend court. It is not possible for me to travel back to California to make the court appearance, I am poor and gas prices are too high. What I am asking is if I can plead guilty to the charge, and be dealt the punishment or fine, without having to travel back to California. I really didn't do anything wrong as I was just blazing. On top of it all the officer really killed my high. Your help would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Michael Johnston

6.11.08

Click on it if you cant read it.

6.10.08

I enjoying talking to people like I'm 80 years older then I actually am. I enjoy starting a sentence with, "Back in my day....." Back in my day we had cassettes, none of this itunes. We couldn't just download one song, we had to buy the whole album! And if you wanted to hear a certain song, you couldn't just push a button, but had to search for it for about half an hour. Isn't that crazy? It took me longer to find a song then to now download an entire album. Shit....when I was a kid there was no internet. I'm very happy I grew up as a kid without the internet. The internet ruins childhoods. I don't see any kids playing out on the streets anymore. I remember we used to live on the block....playing baseball, basketball, manhunt, you name it. I remember coming home and turning on ESPN and waiting through every NCAA score and what not to see if the Knicks won. I couldn't just turn on my computer and find out in a second. I miss these simpler times. I actually used to have to go to this thing called a library to find out information. Everything is so fucking easy now a days. And we wonder why everybody is so fat. Its getting weird.....I can't even imagine what is to come. I don't even want to imagine.

MJ At the Movies....

You don't mess with the Zohan. You really don't. One of Adam Sandlers best films that ranks right up there with Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison. This is vintage off the wall Sandler, with one of his most random films yet. The comedy is raunchy and edgy and doesn't pull no punches. The supporting cast is amazing with John Toturro, Rob Schneider and Michael Buffer. Yes...the "Lets Get Ready to Ruuuumble" guy. I don't know who the hell decided to cast him as a rich evil prick, but it was genius. I can't praise this film enough, the writing is excellent, (Sandler, Smiegel (Triump the Insult Dog), and Apatow (Superbad) ) and every joke just seems to hit. I haven't laughed this loud for a film in a while. If you like Sandler this is a must see film, even die hard Sandler fans I saw it with agreed this is one of his best.

6.08.08

HA HA HA! This Big Brown finished DEAD LAST at the Belmont Stakes! HA HA! Everyone was so amped he was gonna win the Triple Crown and he finishes dead friggin last. This has to be one of the biggest chokes in sports history. Looks like he is heading to the glue factory. I always thought people were BS'ing me when they said horses turn into glue...maybe it is BS, who knows? I could give a damn about horseracing, and when everyone was talking about Big Brown I just figured they were talking about my penis....but the fact that he finished dead last actually makes this story interesting to me.

Hottest Chicks 2K8

HOTTEST CHICKS 2K8

1. Hayden Pattentrie - or as I call her, Hidden Penetration. I told you she was going to get big last year. Well now she is numero uno on top of the list. The sad thing is woman are not like wine....they do no get better with age. Get her while shes young....Legally 18 I think.

2. Megan Fox - What a Fox. She even owns a fox...and a pet cougar which makes her 100 times more hotter in my eyes. Her only drawback is she has a lot of tatts. Some guys might like that stuff...but a marilyn monroe face on her arm is a little scary.

3. Keeley Hazzel - Last years number one has dropped to number 3. Its a shame. As great as her breast are, how many times can we possibly see them. They better start learning tricks or an instrument or something. Damn.

4. Jessica Alba - So whats shes pregnant...she be back in perfect shape in a month...or at least I hope...she might be off this list soon too.

5. TIE Lacey Chabert/Emanuelle Chirqui - The Entourage chick. She is smoking hot...SMOKING hot.

6. TIE - Rachel Bilson/Kate Beckinsale - I could not decide here...decision too hard. So they both get a pass here.

7. Christinia Milian - What a hot little athletic curvy bitch. God damn she is hot and she is a sex symbol...bottom line.

6.6.08

UPDATE!!!! Random Ramblin's is now musically....every so often I will change it to a song I feel ppl should hear. Right now the song is "N.E.R.D - Sooner or Later", off their album seeing sounds. The music device is towards the right if you wanna stop it. Ok we also got a new feature...if you go all the way to the bottom of the right you will see "NEW URBAN LEGENDS". These are basically urban legends people make up and you can find out if they are real or bull by clicking on them. I think a new one appears every day. There is also a slideshow to the side, and this months theme is skulls. You can watch it for a while, it changes often. The blog is growing my friends! And finally all the way on the bottom is the word of the day...u can click it to get the full definition...but you must use that word that day or my leopard named Osiris will gut you like a fish.!!!!!!!!!

For once I am into a NBA Finals until about I will say......1998 when the Knicks got killed by the Spurs. Everyone is amped about this old school Lakers/Celtics series, but then you realize Bird and Magic "I Cure AID's" Johnson aren't playing. See...the NBA had a little something called rivalries back then. It was a lot easier to create rivalries when you didn't have 8,000 teams and continuing to add. And one other thing about adding teams or changing a city...if you take a team and switch it to somewhere else, at least change the fucking name of the team. The Utah JAZZ?! Cmon now really. Utah is the whitest place in the U.S., you really think they know what the fuck Jazz is? For those of you out of the loop, the Jazz are originally from New Orleans which makes a hell of a lot more sense.

Speaking of Magic Johnson....who has saw "I Am Legend"? Allow me to spoil the ending for you...those dracula/zombie things are only cured by the blood of Will Smith. This reminds me of Magic. I bet you that his blood cures AIDS. HE IS THE CURE!

New music dropping. First off we have one of my favorite bands ever....N.E.R.D . Only one word can really describe their albums, and it is sexy. This new album "Seeing Sounds" might be their best one yet, and the sexiest. The production is crazy! I feel that Timberlake and Usher stole a lot of their style from these guys. This album is mad mellow and great to chill out and smoke too....

Speaking of which...the new Lil Wayne album "The Carter 3" is also amazing. I guess you could say I was a Weezy fan, but I always felt he was a mixtape rapper, unable to make a solid album. I was wrong...this is a very solid album with top notch production. It is also very laid back and mellow except for a few cuts. Im feeling the song with Robin Thicke a lot right now...Tie My Hands. I give both albums a big thumbs up and recommend them. I dont even feel you have to be a hardcore rap fan to like the Weezy album, and N.E.R.D takes more of an acquired taste but try it out. You will either love it or not get it.

Sometimes people get on my nerves, and frankly I become sick of everyone. I wanna lock myself in my house and avoid contact. Today was one of those days. I  had a fuck the world mentality going on...until I turned on the TV. I saw a guy climbing a 52 story skyskraper....the human spiderman. The new reported even said you will never see that again. About a half hour later another guy started climbing the same building. This really restored my faith in humanity and the awesomeness of people. I love people who are out of the fucking minds...crazy enough to climb a skyskraper with no equipment what so ever. I also love that the second guy saw the first and said, "Oh shit...I can do that." They were both arrested and the first guy said he did it because he was an enviornmentalist. Huh? what the fuck does that have to do with climbing a building....why don't you just say u wanted to climb a giant building. Excuse me...I have to go and climb this building now myself.

6.5.08

Sopranos Lives!!!!!! Kind of....

Great news coming out today. one of the main Soprano's writers, Terrence Winter, is teaming up with Martin Scorsese  to create a new crime drama for HBO. It is about the beginnings of Atlantic City and the corruption that followed...I'm assuming the maffia will be involved. Shit...they should cast Paulie Walnuts in this too..he is not doing much now a days, starring in Dennys commercials as Paulie Walnuts. Consider me amped for this new show.

6.4.08

Like it or not, the movie industry is all about comics now a days...or rather graphic novels. I myself have never been a big comic guy, but I do have a generally understanding of them, and I used to buy Spider-Man as a kid here and there. Now what do we have here? We have the grandaddy of all comics. The comic that set the tone of seriousness for all these new comics coming out. A comic that influenced Frank Miller. A comic that made Time Magazines list of 100 Greatest Novels from 1923 to Present! Wow. Thats impressive. So impressive that I just ordered this summa bitch and am dying to jump into it. It is called "The Watchmen". The story follows a group of unknown superheros set in the 80's. They are also filming a movie adaptation as we speak. I feel the movie won't set the box office on fire, but it can be the first superhero movie that is considered a great film....not a great superhero movie. You know what I'm saying here. Its still very hard to take superhero movies serious. The new Batman might change that with Heath Ledgers performance...but if not that I think this will. Im excited to start reading this and will post a review here when I am done.

Summer Jam

Went to Summer Jam 2008 at Giants Stadium last night. We wound up taking a HUGE H2 Hummer limo, so the ride there was more fun then the actual concert. On the way in our drunken stupor we all bought cheap rip off Kanye West glasses....the  white ones that look like someone shades on their window. We had the limo pumping music in the parking lot with girls dancing on top and Jamacians and G's passing blunts around like it was legal. Security was great and we brought in 11 blunts with us and I brought in a water bottle of Brandy. I loved that the security guard didn't even bother to ask why why water was brown.

Now onto the show...I'm not gonna lie...I was really fucked up, and I read a recap and I had no idea Fabolous and Akon were even there. So anyway...Young Berg and Ray J opened and we missed their performance. Who gives a fuck. Although "Sexy Can I" is a rather good song. Next up was "The Dream". Fuck this guy...he wont be around come this time next year. His songs are for chicks. Then came Alicia Keys...she was alright, but it really kicked ass when some Wu-Tang members came out and did C.R.E.A.M. It was great to see Method....that is real rap. The announcer then said D-Block was coming and to tuck your chains in. I loved that. I think D-Block is overrated, but they did bring out Fat Joe, Akon, and some other guy....or was that T-Pain who did that. T-Pain is not a real musician...he uses a god damn robot voice. That should not be allowed. I would have rather seen the robot from Pee-Wee Herman perform his songs. LL Cool J made a guest performance which was awesome, I really wish he would did more the one song. Next up was Lil Wayne who was interesting. I wasn't too big on his song selection but whatever.  Then Kanye came out and KILLED it. He made everyone else seem like amateur hour. He had crazy shit going on and a sick amount of pyrotechnics. Simply amazing. You got to see Kanye live. After him was Public Enemy and that scary looking man named Flava Flav. They sucked. Im sorry but I can't take Flava seriously when he is talking about how the government is screwing us up. Im a fan of old school hip hop, but I was never a PE fan. After them they were hinting a big suprise was coming. I was hoping for Jay-Z.....Outkast...maybe even Eminem.....but instead it was a major letdown with the ghosts of 2Pac and Biggie. Just Clownin Dawg. When they were amping everyone for the surprise I was chanting for "Bon Jovi". I would have loved to see the reaction they would have gotten. I'm assuming a lot of "What the fuck?"s. Anyway it was the one hit wonder Jim Jones. This was the time me and my crew ducked the hell out of there. Oh yeah that reminds me....where the hell was Rhianna? She was suppose to be there and was right on the center of the friggin shirt. Summer Jam is a good time, but rap is not where it should be. Maybe I'm just getting old but I don't get a lot of this new shit coming out. I would have rather seen LL and Wu-Tang do a full set then the fucking Dream and T-Pain.