Making a Film pt.7

Mayhem....So everything goes smooth and we finish the music video, and I'm very proud of it. I should've known things were going too well. The first sign was when the DVD burner failed. So I burnt a data disc and hoped in my car to Long Island to deliver it to be put on youtube. The whole Northern State was closed down so I had to jump on the LIE, then the turn I was suppose to make, the whole street was shut down due to an accident. Im on the phone trying to find a new route when a cop angrily yells, "Get the hell off the phone!" I don't like people yelling at me, especially when I'm talking and I snapped. I yelled back, "Maybe I wouldn't have to be on the phone finding out where the hell I'm going if you didn't shut down the street!" They didn't like this and made me pull over and gave me a ticket for being on the cellphone. How much? One hundred and fifty freakin' dollars! Jesus! So I finally make it my location and guess what...the video doesn't work. A hundred and fifty dollar trip for nothing! So now we are on our final day to submit this thing and the problem lies not without editing, but figuring out this technologicly thing they call computers. Cross your fingers for us.

Making a Film pt.6

Oh, how I love deadlines...The video is just about done, but now I want to polish it and have that summa-bitch shinning. The problem is the last day to enter the video into the contest is tommorrow at the 17...and my editing partner gets home from work at 10 PM. Sooo...we have to do crazy editing all nite, get it perfect, and then I got to drive out to Long Island with the final DVD and upload it to Youtube. AWESOME! Anyway I'll have the video posted on here tommorrow. My nipples are getting hard just thinking about it. I already did some more editing on it, and I'm getting very happy with it. I think people will like it, at least I hope so. Rite now I'm working on getting a logo for our company to throw on the front of the video.

8.15.07

Something I've noticed. This really irks me when white boys do this. How come when some white boys get into beef, they constantly start saying the word "nigga" like it makes them harder or something. Number one no white person should be saying "nigga". The whites are just jealous that the blacks have a word we can't say. What do we want to take everything away from them? Let them have it...they never got their 40 acres and a mule, they can at least have "nigga". So I'm making a statement right here, any white person saying "nigga" is a douchebag, and black people who hang out with whites and allow them to say this with them are even dumber. I'm not racist cause I hate all the races equally...sometimes the white devils make me angry, sometimes the Spanish, and sometimes the blacks, and a lot of times the Indians...and I aint talking about the cool Indians, that wear facepaint and feathers, cause they have never made me angry.

8.13.07

End of Summer blues...

This is probly the lamest part of summer. Your just about ready for reality and school, but you want to do one more crazy thing to end with a bang. The past two days I have become a lazy beast of sleep. And some asshole mechanic fucked up my car so I can't even drive around anywhere. I haven't even really felt like doing anything much tho. I haven't even been following the news or shaving or anything. These past two days I have become a bum. I guess you could say I'm in a funk. Wednesday I got to get back to work on the music video, and Thursday I'll have it here ON THIS VERY BLOG! THIS THURSDAY THE PREMIERE OF PIT STOP PRODUCTIONS FIRST MUSIC VIDEO! Mark your calenders Beatrices. You should be excited.

8.13.07

Today was the roast of Flava Flav. It was better then I thought with them really ripping into him. Here are some of the best lines:

- "Chris Benoit is a better father then you"

- "Flava is responsible for more homeless black children then Hurricane Katrina"

- "Why do you wear a clock, you haven't had anywhere to be in 13 years"

- "They call it flavor of love...I didn't know syphliss had a flavor"

- "Flava set Vikings back 100 years"

I liked it a lot. They also really ripped into Carrott Top. I don't think one person on earth likes Carrott Top, he's like the white version of Carlos Mencia.

8.7.07

Making a Film pt.5

Editing sucks. Especially when you got a 1 day deadline and a pain in the ass "rap superstar" busting your balls, and to top it all off, you still don't even have the god damn finished song yet. Rite now things aren't looking great. We have the footage, the equipment, just not the time. We can get something out there no problem, but I want the best we can do. I just watched the whole 2 hours of footage jotting down notes. Some shots looked better in person, while a few just put my jaw to the floor. Oh another thing...one of my favorite shots, my cameraman forgot to hit record and we lost it. I noticed it but didn't get on his balls about it. We can't be fighting between us in a time where we are locked inside a tiny room editing. I heard a story that Scorsese used to edit with his wife. One time he got so angry he threw a typewriter at her and came within inches of killing her. That is editing my friends.

Making a Film pt.4

Controversy with the music video. The group went back into the studio today with two singers and the famed DJ Chaci (DJChaci.com). Chaci added some scratching to the record, which basically I think kicks ass. The singing however...when I first heard it, I thought it sounded like some cats being skinned alive in the alleyway. Maybe I was a little harsh, but I knew deep down it wasn't rite. So I got on the phone rite away and the artist's agreed with me. Regretfully, one of the singers is getting cut out of the song....Hey, thats the breaks kid. Overall tho, I'm happy with the improvements. Some more funny stuff about the song...The second rapper, "Gatsby", dropped "shit" in the sing. "Shit" is a big no-no on on youtube! So that is being turned into "ish" now. Now for some more controversy. Gatsby also says the line, "Shove It!" The controversy is that it sounds exactly like "Fuck It!" I just hope that no one realizes the song says "Paul is dead!" when played backwards. I'm off to go edit this bad boy now.

Making a Film pt.3

Ok, so we just shot the music video the whole day today. From 10:30 AM to about 7:30 PM. It was a grueling shoot with the sun beating down on us, and we used all exterior locations. The video might be a little random, but its not about the concept, its more about cool looking shots and giving the viewer a feel of New York. The way I would describe the video is the "Suburbs meets the Hood". You have 2 Suburban Long Island boys, with their fancy cars and clothes, coming to my neck of the woods, which would be the ghetto of course. So vibrant colors and clothes and cars, splashed up against graffiti walls, and shady looking blocks. Its a clash of cultures, but I feel it works. I was very happy with the shoot overall. We got some really cool looking shots, but I haven't been able to look them over yet, thats for tomorrow. Hopefully all turns out well.

Making a Film pt.2

Well we got a little sidetracked. Me and two members of my team (Pit Stop Enterprises) are actually shooting a music video tommorrow for the "Sons of 1984", two white rappers named Gatsby and AD. This video will be entered into a youtube contest judged by 50 Cent and Common. The winner gets to record a single with G-Unit records and $10,000. Now how do I feel about this? Well since Eminem is non existent now a days, I think there is definetly a market for a white rapper. The thing is I'm not going to present them as gangsta in this video, cause they're not, they're two white boys from Long Island. 50 Cent....whatever, that style of rap is going out of style anyways, that overly gangsta stuff. And I also feel the streets are getting sick of 50 and G-Unit. The problem with them is overexposure. 50 is in movies, sneakers, Vitamin Water, Video games, and clothing...its a little overkill. However, I do like Common a lot. He is a "concious" rapper, who actually says things in his rhymes and shys away from gangster lyrics. He is also a really artsy dude. I'm not really expecting to win this contest, considering the fact that we were told about this contest like 5 days ago and the finished product is due August 17. Im sure there will be a lot of really well done entrys, but either way people will get to be exposed to their music and to our filming abilities. This is a warm-up for us until we film "Found", but all in all in should be good. I'll update about the shoot tommorrow.

8.3.07

America has officially died.

Everyone knew it was coming..it was just a matter of when. Just like the Roman Empire, we too have fell from grace. Why, you ask? Because today is the release date of this...

A movie that tells the young girls of today to be superficial, egotistical, and basically be little slut Paris Hilton clones. Its because of shit like this that people like me and R.Kelly get in trouble. I would bang each girl in that poster, but each one is only 13, cause they are "Bratz". They don't even spell their fucking name with a "s" because they are so cool. This film should be called, "MySpace: The Movie". In a review I read about this movie, the reviewer described watching it as, "Bratz is like being raped by MySpace".

8.2.07

Those sneakers basically just kicked my ass. Those are the Nike SB Freddy Kreugers, coming out in November/October. I don't know if its just me, but those are really kick ass to me, even if they weren't for Freddy. As sick as it may sound, Freddy was like a role model to me as a kid. I thought he was the bee's knees. It wasn't the fact that he was killing everybody but rather due to the fact that he had a smart ass remark no matter what the situation. A man falls 50 feet with a noose around his neck hanging himself to death and Freddy would turn to him and say, "Hows it hanging Bill". Thats why hes the fucking man, and a role model to children everywhere. If I remeber correctly, in the first "Nightmare on Elm Street" he was a child molesster. I think this was downplayed when he started becoming the hero of his films. Every town has an Elm Street!

The Bible is Nuts! #2

Getting "Stoned"

Ok..so we heard about King Slongomon. But that is not the only story in the bible that is fucking nuts. I tend to find that the Old Testament is a lot more stuffed with the crazy. This is another Old Testament story, which I don't remeber so fondly, so forgive me if some details are off. Anywhoo, God appears to a village, and anybody thats anybody knows, one does not look directly at God. So God appears and says, "Mother Fucker, look at me and I'll turn you to stone!" So everyone runs and doesn't turn back, but leave it to one dumb bitch to test Yaweh. She turns around and finds out God's pimp hand is way strong the hard way. Yup..God turns some innoncent women into stone for the rest of eternity, only because she looked at him. This bitch is still a statue somewhere. Do you really think that God forgives your sins because you say 5 bullshit Hail Marys? Hell No! He turned a bitch to stone for looking at him! All that forgiveness shit is made up by Jesus.

Making a Film pt.1

Making a Film part 1
Ok...heres the deal..I have just begun the serious "pre-production" on my film, "Found". This is what I love doing in life and this is honestly my dream. But let me tell you now, making a film is a lot of hard work. If you seriously want to make a film, you must realize you are going to have to invest a lot of time and money. Also, be prepared to be on people's balls all the time and be prepared for some arguments. Now my role exactly is Writer/Director/Producer. I have another director and producer on my team, but I am the one who wrote the script. My script had to be subjected to criticism and I'm already on my fourth draft. As for money, I already dropped 3 thousand on a camera and I still got to chip in on lighting and sound. Right now where in "pre-production", meaning we are doing a shot list and storyboard, then its location scouting and casting, hopefully begin actual shooting in late August-early September. You have to write out every single shot in a film. Think for a sec how many shots are in a film. We are only doing a 12 minute short and it is already a major pain in the ass. I will update this blog more as we progress...

Worst Things Ever!

Some of my least favorite things in no particular order:

- Daylight Savings Time
- The WNBA
- Princess Diana
- Lack of air conditioning
- The San Antonio Spurs
- Harry Potter
- The Olympics
- The new Die Hard
- Paris Hilton
- Fat, ugly lesbians (femminists)
- Dr. Phil
- Terrorists
- Star Jones
- F.C.C
- Roger Clemens
- MySpace
- Herm Edwards
- Anna Nicole Smith
- Stephen King
- Fred Durst
- Men who wear flip-flops
- Mosquitoes
- Tiny dogs people carry around
- Paula Abdul
- College
- Fraternities
- People who love waking up early in the morning
- Dumb Christians who believe everything literally in the Bible

- People who are too scared to try and live out their dreams and knock you for trying

- Cockroaches

- White trash people addicted to Meth

- Pretty much the whole cast of the current SNL

7.25.07

I just stumbeled across this picture of me and some crazy at the Halloween parade in the city. Im the one in the red...HA HA. But seriously, I couldn't tell if that thing was a boy or a girl. It was wearing a shirt that said "Spoiled Little Brat" and it danced around like in was on ecstasy. Let me tell you something, if you love fucking crazies, then the Halloween parade is the place for you. It was a good thing I put a bottle of Brandy in me beforehand so that I could fit in better. If your not a crazy, you better drink or do some kind of drug, because the crazies will be able to sniff out your lack of insanity. There were also nutjobs holding signs about Jesus trying to preach. I saw a group of gay guys dressed up as tooth fairys actually rip this guy apart with their bare hands.

7.23.07

I have never read a single line of a Harry Potter book. I have never seen a single minute of a Harry Potter movie. I am very proud of this fact and want to keep it that way. I try to distance myself from it, but now I'm hearing that the new book sold like a billion copies in half a second. So I think its time for me to comment for the first and last time on Harry Potter. Fuck Harry Potter. I don't know shit about it, and I dont want to know. All I know is I would give it to the chick named "Hermaphodite" or whatever. And I also heard that the chick who wrote these books used to be a crackhead hooker. Thats not even a joke. I heard she really was a crackhead hooker...and now shes the richest women in the world, for writing a bunch of fucking childrens wizards books. "But MJ, they are well written so that all ages can enjoy." Fuck that. I don't like elves, and wizards, and gnomes and fairies or any of that shit. I don't know why the world has such a hard on for this stuff, between this and Lord of the Rings. Abd heres my stance on Lord of the Rings....They are good movies...HOWEVER...after I saw them I said, "That was a good movie, but I never want to see or talk about them ever again." And thats that.

A quick Harry Potter story. One of my friends is a compulsive liar, and we know it. He lies about the smallest stupidest things. Now lets travel back in time to when the first Harry Potter book came out. Im in the car with the liar and my other friend, and their talking about that crap book. The liar claims he has read it, and for some reason, I can tell he is lying. So I chime in with a question for him, "Hey, who's the main character of "Harry Potter"?" He looks at me and all of a sudden becomes very angry and defensive, "I don't fucking remeber that shit!"

BTW for those of you with Showtime on Demand check out "The Shining". Nicholson gives one of my all time favorite acting performances.

Getting Poisoned.

So I'm working construction on a famous Hollywood actors house in the Hamptons. (Heres a hint, he was the lead actor in a HUGE film were he killed a shark.) Im told to go up into the attic with one of the mexican workers and start putting up insulation. So me and him go up there shirtless with no protection and start rolling around in the insulant like we were on fire. As we continue this I realize my eyes are burning and I'm starting to become itchy. I look over to him and ask him if we should wear a mask or something and he goes, "No, No, No." So we continue on until I begin coughing uncontrollably and dry heaving in the corner. I look at my arms and they have rashes on them now. His arms too are rashed up. At this point I say fuck this and go get us some masks. The funny thing is the guy refuses to even point the mask on and I have to force him too. We finally finish and walk out of the house like Night of the Living Dead. We make it about four steps until he drops down next to me dead.

6.20.07

My interview with "Sonic the Hedgehog"

Q: Sonic, can you describe Dr.Robotnik with one word?

A: Well that depends if you consider Mother-Fucker one word.

Q: What have you been up to since your last game?

A: You know a spot where I can get some pussy? I'm horny as a mother fucker. And you got a number I can call to get some nose candy?

(How this idea came about: I was playing Sonic the Hedgehog recently. The idea is basically this, Dr.Robotnik is the main bad guy and he takes cute little furry animals and traps them in a robotic body. So like a cute little rooster becomes a big mean robotic rooster. That didn't really bother me much. It was however, when I destroyed a giant robotic worm and a little bird flew out that I had to proclaim, "Dr.Robotnik is a mother fucker!" He won't even give the bird a god damn robot bird body. He makes him a fucking worm?! Fuck him.)

Snake Lady

I was debating if I should write this story. You see, the image I saw that night has forever been burned into my memory, and I thought words simply could not do it justice. I was waiting to hopefully find a picture of this oddity on the internet, but then I realized she is not allowed to be photographed. This is the story of the Black Snake Woman. One of the few remaining wonders of this world.
Me and my friend were at one of those annoying street feasts. They are nothing more then a haven for carnies and sexual predators. And there is nothing I hate more then gypsy fucking carnies. I spot a building which has paintings all across the side and says, "COME SEE THE SNAKE WOMAN". Then there is a painting of some hot topless white chick with a snake tail for the lower half. That really didn't matter to me, she still had a mouth didn't she? Its 3 bucks to enter, and I figure even if it really isn't a snake/human hybrid at least I'll see some boobies. Working this "ride" were some black Africans who probably just cut off someones hand for a blood diamond. Bling Bang! We hand him the money and cautiously walk in.
Now here is a explanation of what it actually was, and this is the God's honest truth. It was a black woman standing in a pit with a tire around her neck, and mirrors around every side of her, so it appeared as if she had no body. She was also wearing sunglasses and had absolutely no expression on her face, I wasn't even sure if she was breathing. I debated with my friend if it was actually a real life person or just a dummy. So I decided to become a heckler to try to get a reaction. "How the hell did you get those glasses on? You don't even have any arms!" Nothing. I tried another joke and then resorted to yelling, "Say something bitch!" I couldn't get a reaction for nothing. There was now a crowd of us standing outside the fence peering in, making lewd comments and jokes. My friend pulls out his cellphone and goes to take a picture when of all sudden the woman lets out a huge yell..."NOOOOOOOO PICTURES!" It actually scared the shit out of me. The black guy then came running in at top speeds holding a machete and actually forced my friend to delete the picture. The world was not ready to see this miracle, and looking back on it, I'm actually glad he did erase it. He did us all a favor.

7.15.07

Here are some of my favorite things I thought I should share with you:
http://jacksplash.ytmnd.com/
http://bushes.ytmnd.com/
http://denzelsmoothjazz.ytmnd.com/
http://fire-hose.ytmnd.com/
http://nickelbackracist.ytmnd.com/
http://spartaisoutrageous.ytmnd.com/
http://catistrulyoutrageous.ytmnd.com/
http://shamepicard.ytmnd.com/
http://heresmyinvitation.ytmnd.com/

The Seven Mexican Dwarfs

(This post has been racist approved)I work on a construction site now, and I supervise these 7 Mexican guys. I like to call them my "Seven Mexican Dwarfs". I even gave them names like Sleezy, Greasy, Lazy, Stinky, Hairy, Mustachey, and Jose. I force them to sing along to "Whistle while you work". I sing out the part, "whistle while you work", and they have to whistle accordingly in rhythm or I whip their back with my black Dickies belt. I'm just kidding people! It's not a Dickies belt...Honestly tho, NO ONE works harder then these guys and a bunch of white guys wouldn't do half a good a job and complain. It actually bothers me that workers as skilled as them are being passed up for jobs just because of where they were born or come from. They aren't bitter tho. I was talking to them about this. What they do is like 7 of them come from Mexico and get a house together, so the rent is cheap. They then work here for a couple of years and return to Mexico. The money they make here translates to a lot more over there and they can live comfortably. People like to knock them, but respect has to be given to anybody that works hard for their money.

Fourth of July!

Ok so I'm watching my new favorite channel, National Geographic. They have a show called "Is It Real?", and this week they were talking about bigfoot. Apparently, there is this Russian guy who has a human father and a bigfoot mother. Hmmm...A guy fucked a bigfoot?! Anyway, this guy is now a half breed. So you ask, what does a half human, half bigfoot look like. If you guessed Kramer then you are correct.

Wow...I totally forgot that it is the fourth of July. I guess the fact that its on a Wednesday this year kind of ruins it. I think also the fact that the weather sucks and that its raining might add to it, and that everyone has work tommorrow. Or maybe its the fact that people hate America now. All I know is I had nothing left in the tank to celebrate, seeing how I went balls to the wall for Canada Day.

7.2.07

6.30.07

WHAT THE FUCK?!
For the first time ever I feel like I am George Jetson and I am in the fucking future. That might be the most shocking shit I've ever seen, it made me piss my pants. And I thought the iPod was impressive. That thing is crazy! And its only 10 thousand dollars....sarcasm. I cant wait till I'm at a restaurant and spill beer all over it like a drunk idiot, and get electrocuted to death.

Die Hard Review

So here is my movie review for the new Die Hard flick. I absolutely HATED this film, to the point were I was going to leave the theater. It was probably the most over the top film I have ever seen. It has Bruce Willis launching cars off ramps at helicopters, jumping out of 90 mph cars and walking away fine, and a weird French guy who can basically "fly" with no explanation. The plot is a basic connect the dots action movie. Willis is the old cop who doesn't talk to his wife and kids and feels alone in the world. He is very old school and feels like he really hasn't accomplished anything. Heres the cool twist people! He saves a new school, technology geek and they are like total opposites...but guess what! Even though they might argue over what station to play on the radio, they become best friends, to the point where they would die for each other. The third act of the film also introduces Bruce Willis' daughter, who might actually be the strongest written character, but she just feels like an after thought. There is also a suprise cameo by Silent Bob as a uber hacker. They build him up the whole movie, and when he
is finally revealed, you feel like you got jerked off and didn't cum. It's basically the same thing as Wedding Crashers, but that movie gave you a awesome cameo by Will Ferrell. This tries the same thing but fails. The action sequences are decent, but way too over the top. In the first Die Hard, Willis is human. He can be hurt, and you feel for him as he runs barefoot over glass. In this film, he is a indestructible robot. You know whether he is shot, or thrown out of a speeding car, he will be absolutely fine. This might be one of the worse movies I have ever seen. I give it zero stars, I rather go and piss out kidney stones then have to re watch this shit. I hate it so much that I can't even talk to people about it. My hatred is so strong that I could honestly come to blows with someone that likes this film. Typing this up right now I'm getting filled with some much rage I'm about to go pull a Benoit. (Too soon)

Myths

Crazy things people have sworn to me were true:

-Horses that lose races are turned into glue
-McDonald's burger meat is made from meal worms
-Yaggermeister is made from deers blood
-Rotten meat can form maggots without a fly planting the eggs
-Cats steal baby's breath
-"El Duque" played baseball with Fidel Castro
-Richard Gere shoved a gerbal up his ass
-Lil Kim has her stomach pumped for semen
-Lance Bass is gay
- If you flash your car lights at someone with them off, they will follow and kill you to get initiated into a gang
-There is a dancing ghost statue in the cemetery in my neighborhood
-Dr. Frankenstein is buried there too
-The chicken at the Chinese place is actually cat
-AIDS spread to humans from a black guy fucking a gorilla

6.21.07

I love Japan. I want to go there so bad. To me, it looks like the fucking future over there. The Japanese also have some of the best and quirkiest humor. Did you know that they have a train that goes like 1000 mph and it has no wheels! WTF?! That thing travels at light speed with no friggin wheels! Japan also has some of the greatest game shows I have ever seen. Some of the best ideas I have ever seen. Here is a clip from a game called "Human Tetris". This is hilarious.

6.19.07

Why Grandad Is Hot

See more like this on kontraband.com

I'm too lazy to actually write anything anymore. So I'd figured I'd just post this old crazy son of a bitch getting down. If you can sit here and watch the whole thing you win a prize.

6.18.07

BOB BARKERS FINAL EPISODE OF "PRICE IS RIGHT"

6.17.07

I am officially "mooshad". I don't even have anything witty to say, and feel a huge void on my Sunday nites now that Sopranos is gone. That show was in my life for 10 years and I feel like a friend has died. I actually like the new Maroon 5 album, which is weird considering I could barely stand the first one. It is pop-ish of course, but you can tell the influence by Prince, Jackson, and The Police...I heard that movie "Knocked Up" is funny. I don't know why, but I REALLY do not want to see that. The ad's for it just kinda piss me off. Hostel 2 bombed, which is actually suprising to me. For some reason, chicks now a days love seeing ppl get tortured, but apparently this movie "takes it too far". I dont get these new "horror" movies now a days. When I was a kid, "horror" movies were campy and something you laughed at. It was meant to be a fun experience with a few quick scares thrown in. Now, these movies show someone getting tortured at a slow pace...how is that enjoyable to watch? I truly don't get it, and I dont understand how the fuck Fantastic Four 2 opened at number 1. Fuck these superhero movies...did anyone watch the first Fantastic Four? It was god awful! Noticing these movie trends, I have begun writing a new script; a script to capatilize and make the moolah. I call it "Whoop That Trick". Its about this guy who gains super powers from the increasingly terrible ozone layer. The ultraviolet rays give him super strength and he fights the bad guys. But when he captures them, he tortures them....I'm talking sick shit like no one has ever seen before. Oh, and it stars Queen Latifah.

Sopranos Final Scene

This has become one of my favorite scenes in the history of cinema. I absolutely love the tension that is created here. One thing I've noticed re-watching it, is how short it actually is. When I was watching it live, it seemed like it moved in slow motion and felt like a hour.

Jury Duty

When you die, I know what happens. Most of us aren't good enough to go straight heaven, and were not quite bad enough for hell...so lets be honest here, were going to Purgatory. I'm like 90 percent sure that Purgatory is the DMV. You get a number and just sit there and wait....and wait...and wait. I truly hate the DMV. Well; jury duty is basically the same shit. I woke up today at 7 AM and made my way to the Brooklyn court house. I had my MP3 player on the whole time as I strutted in. My plan was to act like the biggest, cockiest, prick in the world, in hopes that I wouldn't have to serve. This wasn't that much of a stretch for me. I didn't even walk, I strutted about like 2Pac and had my music blasting the whole time. I cursed excessively. I sat so low in my chair I was practically laying on the floor, and I kept both feet up on the chair in front of me. Take notes people. You don't get out of this shit by talking, its all about the body language. If you lie and say your a racist or something, they will fuck you over. Anyway, 50 of us got called in to the go to a court room. It was a real ragtag bunch of people, and one of these guys had to be homeless. Nobody wanted to wait for the next elevator, so I swear, all 50 of us crammed into one. It was a real melting pot of cultures. White kids, old black women, spanish kids, Hasidic Jews, suburban moms, a mafiaso man in "construction", and that homeless guy, who I got stuck pressed up against. Finally we got in and it was time for questioning. People tried to weasle their way out, and some succeeded by talking about relatives in law enforcement. The case was for gun possesion. It was some black Beanie Segal look alike, who apparently had a gun in a school zone. He was also from Brownsville. Shit. If I lived in Brownsville I would carry a gun too. I could care less that he had a gun, as long as it was for protection, who really cares? Ok, so he was in a school zone. According to my research, black kids don't shoot up schools; Its the whites and asians that do that. Now this is where the story gets really good. The whole time since I walked in and sat down, I noticed this kid staring at me. I was unfazed and stared right back at him, and soon enough we were grilling more then George Foreman. I could sense that there was tension and a little hostility. After a lot of questioning, we were allowed a break to go to the bathroom or whatever. I picked up my MP3 player and put the shuffle on. The kid got up, while our eyes were still locked and walked out of the courtroom. I skipped to the next song and Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" came on. I watched as the homeless guy scrunged up some newspapers to use as a pillow, and began to take a nap on one of the benches. The mafiaso man was reading the New York Post, but I guess he could see me looking and his eyes leered over at me, I quickly turned away. I watched the lawyers as they talked to the judge about their picks, and eyed down each one of us. The one lawyer pointed right over in my direction, and said something as the judge nodded. The song was now picking up...."The Movie Goes On and On and On." All of a sudden I looked over and saw the defendant come walking back in again and he

6.10.07

Sopranos Finale Explained...

I know some people are outraged by the Sopranos ending. I thought it was freaking genius....Shit; my favorite show ever ended with Journey's "Dont Stop Believing." I kinda figured Tony gets killed, and there was a reason Meadow wasn't sitting next to him. This season they have stressed that when death comes, you dont see it or hear it. That is exactly what happened. This was the most realistic potrayal of death I have ever seen on film. No big spectacale. You don't even know what the hell happened. Things seem normal and peacful, Journey is blasting, and then BAM! Just straight up darkness and silence, your dead. I also found this post from some dude on a message board and found it interesting. Here check it out:

"So here is what I found out. The guy at the bar is also credited as Nikki Leotardo. The same actor played him in the first part of season 6 during a brief sit down concerning the future of Vito. That wasn't that long ago. Apparently, he is the nephew of Phil. Phil's brother Nikki Senior was killed in 1976 in a car accident. Absolutely Genius!!!! David Chase is truly rewarding the true fans who pay attention to detail.So the point would have been that life continues and we may never know the end of the Sopranos. But if you pay attention to the history, you will find that all the answers lie in the characters in the restaurant. The trucker was the brother of the guy who was robbed by Christopher in Season 2. Remember the DVD players? The trucker had to identify the body. The boy scouts were in the train store and the black guys at the end were the ones who tried to kill Tony and only clipped him in the ear (was that season 2 or 3?).Absolutely incredible!!!! There were three people in the restaurant who had reason to kill Tony and then it just ends. This was Chase's way of proving that he will not escape his past. It will not go on forever despite that he would like it to "don't stop". Not the fans!!! Tony would like it to keep going but just as we have to say goodbye, so does he. No more Tony and I guess we are supposed to be happy that Meadow didn't get clipped as well (she would have been between the shooter and Tony) since she is the only one worth a crap in that family."

Quiz Question:

According to Biggie Smalls, he wants a girl that is "educated" because?A.) He loves intelligent women

B.) He wants a career woman

C.) So he cant bust up on they glasses.

6.09.07

Ahoy Mateys! MJ here, reporting live from Hollywood, Florida. I guess I really should comment on this seeing as I haven't seen coverage like this since OJ Simpson didn't kill his wife. I was actually watching the breaking news of Paris getting released with my Grandpa, who is full Italian, real old school, and a real hard ass. I will now recount what it was like watching it with him...

He stares at the TV angrily, "Who cares about this whore?!" He then watches as she leaves the police car..."How does the hell dos she have hair?!" I look at him with a bewildered look, thinking he might have just lost his mind. "I thought she shaved her head bald?" Oh now I get it, he confused her with Britney Spears. My grandpa then begins rambling how society is shit now. He then claims if he had a button to "destroy all the planets, people and everything he would push it and let it all restart". He says this and gives me a very serious look and tells me he's not joking. He sits back and thinks about it for a second, before making an adjustment, "Actually I would let the animals live, cause they don't bother anyone." Holy shit! My Grandpa is exactly like Tony Soprano. He even refuses to watch the Belmont Stakes horse race because he is afraid to see the horse fall and get hurt. But he says he doesn't give a damn about the horse rider.

Ok so Paris is now back in jail. This is really crazy...she yelled out, "I don't deserve this!" HA HA HA! This is so crazy I can't believe some Hollywood writer didn't put this together.

Tomorrow is the Sopranos season finale. Boy, am I amped. I actually just found out yesterday that just about the whole cast is having a viewing party at this casino like 5 blocks away from my place in Florida. I went to try and get tickets but was told, "High rollers only". WOW. They obviously do not know how I roll.

Awesome. I got to wake up at 5 in the morning and get to the airport and on a plane. Joy. I figure that the terrorists usually sleep late into the afternoon, so I should be pretty safe.

Heres looking at you kid...

6.6.07

Hey douchebags...I'm writing this from Hollywood, Florida. I shouldn't have connection rite now, but I'm pirating a signal from the Continental hotel. First off let me just say....FUCK! Fuck this weather! Its pourring over here, and the schedule says rain for like a 100 days. Hurricane "Pain in My Balls" is here. What a way to ruin my vacation. I sat in the rain in New York, and I swear, the rain clouds must have followed me to Flordia. Thanks a lot Mother Nature....you whore! Heres a fun little fact, rite down the block from me is the casino where Anna Nicole Smith died. How awesome is that?! Thats similiar to like the cave where Jesus was buried. I hear Anna gives people visions over there. But truthfully, I'm pretty pissed. I wanted to just lay out on the beach...I wanted lifes a beach! But now, lifes a bitch...HA HA HA! I so just thought of that.

A Day at the Track...

WHASSUP?!

yO Yo yO! Whats up dudes and dudettes?! Just thought I'd tell you Millhouses about my day. I went to the horsetrack for the first time to bet on some stallions. I walked in there not knowing my ass from my elbow, and it showed as experienced degenerate gamblers looked me up and down and undressed me with their eyes. I sat down at a table under a steel umbrella and, i swear this is true, felt something huge plop down onto my shoulder. I looked over and saw the hugest pile of bird shit. I then looked up in the air for the culprit and their wasn't a bird anywhere. How in the blue hell?! I was under a fucking umbrella made of STEEL! I knew this was a sign of good luck and refused to wipe the shit off. The first race had a horse named "Kriss Angel". The Mind Freak! I now some of you might not believe in magic, but it's real and this guy does it. How could I not bet on a fucking horse named after a "Mind Freak". Sure, its odds weren't the greatest but guess what....First place! It was not even a surprise to me...I don't know how anyone could bet against that horse....its called Magic people! Next up was the big win...I used my intricate method of analyzing the names. I saw one named "Seventeen Love" and knew that was it. Why that horse you ask? I rather not say due to something called statutory rape. Anyway..it was a 12-1 underdog, I bet 7 dollars and guess what...First Place! This stallion bagged me $45. All in all, I highly recommend going to the track with a few friends and having a few beers. Bring your own beers tho, its like baseball prices there. They also got Nathans, Sbarro, and Carvel in there if you get hungry. Its a good place to go for a Lazy Sunday Afternoon...I mean where else are you gonna go? Church?

Exclusive Workout Video!

As you know, I'm big into training and going to the gym. Training for what you ask? When the terrorists want to get out of line and the world cries for a hero. I get asked a lot, "MJ, whats a good work out routine?" This is a pretty tough question to answer. I could type up one for you...or I could show you! Here is an exclusive video of me working out at the "gym", and by gym, I mean the middle of the desert.

5.30.07

You know what that is? Its a silicone butt enhancer. All the girls are wearing it now a days. Its whats in now. These white girls want to be Ms.Fat Booty, but they weren't blessed with God's natural gift, so they resort to this. They even do butt implants now....like boobies. You think I'm fucking around don't you... Well feast your eyes on this bad mamma jamma...


What in the blue hell?! I know some people are ass men, but you have to draw the line somewhere...I don't even think Sir Mix A Lot would like this big butt and I can not lie. This is it...I'm convinced this is proof of the end of the world. That picture honestly frightens me...

Memorial Day

Why do the Veterans have their own holiday?! Ok, its cool that they help sick animals and all, but "Memorial Day"...c'mon! Just kidding...I'm not that stupid. I know Memorial Day is when the veterans break into your house, eat cookies, and leave gifts. But what people forget during all these festivities is the true reason we celebrate Memorial Day...and that is the birth of Baby Jesus. Because it was the Three Veterans who saw the Star of David and brought Jesus the gifts of incest. Ok...I'm not going to lie...I don't know what the fuck this holiday is about and how one is suppose to celebrate it.

5.26.07

Those sneakers you see up there are the Starburys. They are the line endorsed by Stephon Marbury. I just bought a pair today.....the big thing about them is they go for $15! Thats it! 15 bucks! I support this a lot. Its hard to be spending money on sneakers, and Nike is asking for like $200 for Jordans. I feel bad for children of poorer families who have to go to school and get made fun of for not having nice kicks. I know kids can be mean and the sneaker companies are ripping everyone off. Don't get me wrong, I like nice stuff...name brands; but as far as sneakers for playing ball, this is what I endorse. They got a good look, a hell of a lot of different styles, the quality is good, and did I mention they are 15 bucks?! I urge everyone to support them and stop buying Nikes so they are forced to lower their prices too. FIGHT THE POWER!

5.25.07

As you know, I had a top 5 chicks list on here. Well...Maxim tried to out do me with a top 100 list. One big problem with their list tho...they have Lindsay Lohan as number 1. What?! Shes not ugly but she is a coke whore. I think the fact that she has banged everyone should put her down the list a little. I really can't believe that will all the classy girls out there, she makes number 1. The hottest girl in the world shouldn't require that you double up condoms when you go inside her. Ok next up....I just saw a video of Rosie O'Donell ripping into that Elisabeth (Why does she spell it with a "s") chick on "The View". Damn I hate that show. My grandma watches it and talks to me about it like I'm a big fan or something. She also makes me look up recipes from the show online. The point is this...Rosie O'Donell legit scares me. She is a very VERY scary women. She is honestly one the people I'm most afraid of, and this is not even a joke. When I look at her I see pure evil, the devil incarnate in a fat lesbian. She disgusts me so much she has even made me hate lesbians...PSYCHE! I love lesbians...not the dyke man ones tho.

5.23.07

I just watched "Lord of War" and "Blood Diamond". Wow. Remind me not to go to Africa. Seriously, it is fucked up there, and these conflict diamonds are causing real problems. Screw diamonds, they are not worth it. They got kids running around with AK's and people that are armless. It is honestly very bad, and if you watch "Blood Diamond" you will agree. Shit, that movie will make you turn down a free diamond. Another powerful film I recommend is "The Fountain". Some critics bashed it, but it is honestly like poetry on screen. It might be a little trippy, and at times confusing, but it blew me away. And visually, it is one of the best films I've ever seen. I'm writing this like half asleep, so that may attribute to the lack of wit. Be good to each other...Peace.

5.21.07

Sucks to be you...Ha Ha. What the hell is going on in this picture? Is this the NCAA or prison?

5.20.07

SUICIDE

People that commit suicide are losers. People that try to commit suicide and fail are even bigger losers. If you really want to kill yourself, you will not fail. See, the problem is these people get to elaborate. The want to kill them self in some crazy ass way. Why all this suicide talk you ask? Well, on the Sopranos tonight AJ tried to off himself. He tied a cement block to his leg and put a plastic bag over his head. What a crazy fucking way to die, how do you think of this shit? Is a bullet to the head not cool anymore? Anyway, this got me to thinking how I would kill myself....

- You always think about jumping off really high shit. I don't care who you are,when your really high up and looking down, everyone thinks, "I wonder if I jumped from here would I die?"
So obviously one way would be to jump from like the Eiffel Tower or something.

- For a slower form of suicide, I would have unprotected sex with Magic Johnson. HA HA HA! That is wrong on so many levels.

Damn, I'm not good at this...I can't even think of anymore...driving off a cliff?

The Bible is Nuts!

King Salomon, You so Crazy!

There is some nutty shit in the Bible, and having gone to Catholic elementary school, I know them all. Some of the stories are just downright scary and weird, especially if you look in the Old Testament. The New Testament is for pussies, which that hippie Jesus running around talking about peace. The Old Testament has God turning mother fuckers to stone just for looking at him! The Old Testament is gangster! But no one story was odder then the story of King Salomon. I remember this story being burned into my mind, and I couldn't stop thinking about how fucked up it was even when I was a kid.

The Bible is trying to get over the point that King Salomon was mad smart and could solve any problem. So anyway, two women come in with a baby arguing that they both are the mother. King Salomon doesn't get nervous because he is a smooth mother fucker. He knows how to solve this. He takes the baby and then says, "I'm going to cut this baby in half and give each of you one part." The one women is outraged and the other is happy and wants her half. WHAT THE FUCK?! Who the fuck wants half of a dead chopped up baby?! What kind of crazy shit is this?! Solomon is sick for even coming up with this plan. He then gives the baby to the outraged women cause he "knows" she is the true mother.

Now I know what your saying, "It's not suppose to be taken literally." Fuck that. They couldn't think of anything better then chopping a baby in half?! This shit doesn't even make no fucking sense! This is the most followed stuff in the world? It is not even well written!

Graduation Speech....

Here is an actual transcript from my Valedictorian speech for Nassau Community College...

"Good Morning Gentleman and Gentleladies! I had a dream....When I came over to this country via boat, I looked at the Statue of Liberty, turned to Pablo and said, "Im gonna be sumthin!" And look at me now! I'm standing here receiving the Sacrament of Graduation! Now of course, there were a lot of doubters, or as I call them, "Playa Haters". They said, "Why did it take you 4 years to finish a 2 year school?" Well to them I say this, "Why did it take Lincoln so long to abolish slavery?" The point is this....when you have a dream, you go for it! No if, ans, but maybe some butts...HA HA! I am living proof of the American Dream. Living proof that wishing on a star is good for something. Living proof that you should make a wish when you blow out your candles! And for the naysayers...The thermometer says that the degree's is...ASSOCIATES! Suck my dick and swallow my kids you faggots! So in closing...Stay far from timid, only make moves when your hearts in it, and live the phrase, "Sky's the limit"....Motherfucker! FREEEEEEEDOM!"

Hottest Chicks

TOP 5 Hottest Girls

Ok now....what do we got here? Woman are the most beautiful creatures on the earth. That is why lesbianism is so cool and loved worldwide, while gay male sex gets a big time thumbs down. EWWWW :-( ! I've decided to make a list of the hottest girls walking G

od's green earth (in my opinion). The order of this list was a little hard for me to determine; cause it is constantly changing.....but as right now, this is how I'm feeling... so here it is...(This is only the top 3, maybe one day I'll do a top 10.) (UPDATE: I made it a top 5)

1. Keeley Hazell
This British model is my idea of perfection. She has a cute innocent face, and a body to die for. Just look at her...I wanted to put a somewhat PG rated pic on this list, but honestly, thats the closet I could find. Lets just say she likes to show her "credentials".



2. Hayden Panettiere
This is a new favorite of mine. This girl hasn't even blossomed yet, considering that she is only 17! Wow. She is illegaly hot! That makes her so much hotter. I think her youth adds a lot to her making it second, and just knowing the potential she has as she ages. This girl is basically a lock to be a knockout, as long as she doesn't get fucked up like a one Lindsay Lohan. She's the top young hottest actress in Hollywood, even better then that Harry Potter chick.

3. Jessica Alba
This girl is smoking. She almost made me cream my pants while watching "Sin City". If you are a straight man, you would have sex with Jessica Alba. Bottom Line. Her body is incredible, with an ass that...I don't even know what to say. Wow. Maybe she should of been number 2. I don't know...these decisions are too hard!

(UPDATE: Apparently Alba has "fell off". I heard this from a couple of my friends, saying her level of hotness has dropped drastically, and she has gotten really thin. I dont know about all this, but I'm talking about Alba in her prime here. Has her hotness dwindled?)




4. Jennifer Love Hewitt
Ok, if we were talking about her in her prime, she would be my number 1. When I was younger, this WAS my dream girl. She still hot as hell, but not as amazing as she once was. For my money, the way she looks in the movie "Heartbreakers" is the hottest I've ever seen a girl look. But the movie sucks...






5. Tie - Erica Durance and Shakira
Beautiful women. Shakira is the best dance I have ever seen and the other chick is the best Lois Lane I've ever seen. I couldn't choose between one. Actually, I think Shakira should be higher looking at her now, like maybe number 2. This is so fucking hard to decide!

5.10.07

Oh yeah! Whats up dudes and dudettes?! Ready to take a look at some crazy mo' effin lyrics? Todays song is the 90's classic.....
Color Me Badd - I Wanna Sex You Up
Ok..so download it on your Napster or whatever you kids use now a days...


"Girl, You make me feel real good,
We can do it till we both wake up."

Huh? This guy wants to have sex until you both wake up? How the fuck are you having sex if your both asleep?! Or maybe only one of them is asleep and this is some real date rape shit. Good ol' roofies.

"Making love until we drown."

Are they now having sex underwater?! How the fuck are you going to drown while making love? Who thought of these lyrics?!

5.8.07

SEX, DRUGS, AND LINDSAY LOHAN

Hey u guyz!!! Its like totally the entertainment news! After seeing the popularity of Perez Hilton, I've decided to change the blog to a celebrity dirtsheet site. And some good things are happening....FINALLY! FINALLY a celebrity is going to jail. And better yet, it's Paris Hilton! Fuck the Simple Life...I don't want to watch Paris on a farm, I want to watch Paris in jail! I honestly hope she gets shanked to death in prison. I love how the only famous people that get actual jail time are rich white women. This really is hilarious to me. Out of all the people I would want to see in prison, Paris probably tops the list.

MORE HOT NEWZ! Apparently some pics of Lindsay Lohan doing coke have hit the web. What?! NO WAY! No chance in hell Lohan does coke! This is like telling me the fucking sky is blue! No shit this girl is using coke, did we really need photographic evidence? Shes a coke whore! Duh! Oh the pic above is her with her mother, with some Jack Daniels and coke. Now she might do coke, big deal, half of Hollywood does. But what is really crazy is the report is saying she did 20 lines a night. That girl likes to party. My prediction...she will either be dead in a couple of years, or be like a Corey Haim and disappear and get fat. Another child actor gone bad.

5.7.07

STAN LEE IS A BASTARD!

Anyone who knows me or reads this blog knows that me and Stan Lee do not get along. I'm not a big "fan" of superheros, and I guess Stan took this personally. Whoope freaking Doo you created Spiderman! That doesn't impress me! I didn't like him, and he didn't like me, we just left it at that....until he started to get personal.

The love interest of Peter Parker is a girl name Mary Jane. Ok, no problem. So, I'm flipping through the channel and see the Spiderman movie on, when I hear, "Hey MJ." My jaw dropped to the floor. My name is MJ! They are referring to this girl as MJ?! I then proceeded to say the "F" word 64 continuous times. This god damn Stan Lee was taking a cheap shot at me!

Now you might think I'm paranoid, but I was actually talking to a friend of Stan's, and he told me that the "MJ" character is in fact meant to mock me. This is defamation of character if I have ever seen it. My lawyers are chomping at the bits right now.

5.6.07

Well I'm sure many of you watched the "biggest" fight of the century. It wasn't an exciting fight no matter how you try to put it. Mayweather simply put is the superior athlete. He's quicker and has better endurance, the only thing De La Hoya had on him was probably strength. This was simply a technical bout, with no real hard punches landed. Mayweather dominated, and should of won on every judges scorecard, but I guess one judge gave it to De La Hoya for the drama.

So was this the "fight that saved boxing"? I dont think so. Mayweather has "retired" and despite being very flashy outside the ring, is dull inside it. See, Mike Tyson said he was going to hurt people and knock them out...and he did. Mayweather talks the talks, but fights a very safe and conservative fight. And this has been his problem, this has been why his previous fights didn't really draw.

So where do you go from here? Sugar Shane Mosley has challenged the "retired" Mayweather. I don't really think that fight is much of a draw. And this was probably De La Hoyas last blockbuster fight. So is boxing saved? Nope. Not until they get a strong heavyweight division again.

5.03.07

Al Sharpton is an asshole. He is no Martin Luther King Jr. or Malcolm X, he is an asshole. He doesn't help any problems, but only creates more racial tension. He makes it so that white people are even afraid to address the topic of racism. How can something be helped when people are afraid to bring it up. I know white people can't stand Al, and I don't even think black people like him. This is how I feel about racism...white people are afraid to say anything now a days because they are scared of being persecuted. We can't just keep pushing it under the rug. It is there, it needs to be brought out into the open and exposed.

I look at it like this. Say you have beef with someone in your neighborhood. You could avoid that person for however long, but after a while your going to run into him, and guess what, there is going to be a conflict. Or you could just have a sit down talk with this person as soon as the beef starts, and avoid further conflicts. If we have a big discussion about racism we can help. I think racism can be greatly eliminated in the major cities like New York and California. It will take a lot longer for the south and such, but you got to start somewhere.

I think white people need black people and black people need white people. America just wouldn't be America without the other. What would the American culture be like without black influence? Would we be listening to classical while watching guys in the highest shorts ever shooting hook shots in a game of basketball?

Aliens

Are We Alone?

Since I was a kid, I have been fascinated with aliens. I have watched thousands of specials and programs about the topic on the History Channel. To this day, whenever my dad sees something about aliens on TV, he yells for me, and this has been the same since I was kid. I guess you can call me an expert on the topic. So after this lifelong research, I am hear to finally tell you the truth...Are We Alone? Nope!

U.F.O's....I believe in Unidentified Flying Objects...but I don't think aliens are flying inside of them. They are just new U.S. government flight vessels that are being experimentally tested.

Abductions..A hicks favorite pass time. I don't believe aliens are flying around abducting people. We've been around for so long and they are just now into us? No, I feel aliens already did our research on us....

I definitely feel aliens have been involved in our history as a human race. Ancient civilizations have writings about them, and just look at the damn pyramids! No human alone made those things. There was help....help with the mathematical system and the calendar. I feel aliens were here on earth and helped our race. What they came for, or took in return, I have no idea.

Look at the solar system...the universe...it is HUGE! Larger then we could possible fathom. To think that we are alone is just plain arrogant to me. We are just a spec. A little spec of sand on a huge beach. To think we are alone, makes us feel we are the most important, which is a human trait of arrogance and feeling dominant. Will an outside life form make itself known? Maybe when we are ready, but I don't feel our current society will be able to handle it.

Top 10 Pick Up Lines

TOP PICK UP LINES:

1.Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.
2. Say, did we go to different schools together?
3.What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this??
4. You probably taken a shower before, but have you ever tried a "golden" one?
5. You know what I like about you? My arms.
6. You had me at "Hello".
7. You know Jesus? Hey, me too!
8. Lingual is not the only thing I'm "Bi" in. (wink)
9. Nice braclet. What would Jesus date? I mean "do".
10.I know a church where we could go and talk.

Ok...maybe the last four were from a site called, "Christian pick-up lines," but they still work.

4.29.07

Here are some lyrics to a rap song I wrote....

"So take 3 steps fowards and about face,
its one step foward and always a step back,
and its hard to come back,
when you fall off track,
What might start as a small little crack,
might one day shatter the whole glass,
And I wrote this sitting in the back of class, Didnt pass,
but what was I knowing,
Physically my body was showing,
but my mind wasnt there,
As he teaches about equations and b 2 squared,
I was dreaming about my first movie premiere,
my head in the air,
or rather in the clouds,
Can't admit I'm fucking up cause I'm just too proud,
Feeling like a day not wasted, was a day wasted,
knew what I had to do but couldn't face it..."

4.27.07

Sorry but it's true. New Jersey is like the little runty brother of New York. And the Statue of Liberty is like the woman they are both fighting over. I'm sorry Jersey..Ellis Island might be in Jersey but the Statue of Liberty is all ours! And the same applies for the New York Giants...the NEW YORK Giants. I would however give the Jets to New Jersey. I dont really have a problem with New Jersey but its just accepted that it sucks. I think even Jerseians will tell you. New Jersey is the Garbage State. Everyone is dying from cancer over there and it really does smell like shit. Making it smells like garbage because it is filled with white trash. HA HA HA!

4.24.07

I went today to pick up my son from karate class, and God Dammit, the class was running long! Listen up Sensai, I don't care what color belt you wear..cause all I know is my belt comes off and we call it the "Black and Blue" belt or the "Welt Belt". If that ain't making things clear enough for you Sensai, I'm going to beat you within an inch of your life with my belt!

Johnny Appleseed.

YEEEEEEEEES! It feels just like Christmas morning, or when the clock strikes 12 on New Years. This is a MAJOR MAJOR holiday, and yes I'm aware that the Jews refuse to celebrate it. But before I tell you my plans, we must look at the history, and Johnny Appleseed....

Yup, thats him. One of the most feared men in history. He was a very tall, slim, agile man; who suffered from schizophrenia. He was also the uncaught "Jack the Ripper", but those were in his later years , and I'm not covering that. It all started when God made Adam and Johnny in the Garden of Eden. God became so repulsed by watching the act of gay sex, that he then made Eve. Adam and Eve became a couple, and the flamboyantly gay Johnny became very jealous. He then convinced Eve to eat one of Gods forbidden apples. When God found out, he condemmed Johnny to eternal life, doing nothing but planting apple trees about the world. Lets fast foward to April 22, 1846...The date which Earth Day was conceived. Johnny Apleseed was eating the eyes of some Native American children (BTW: He only eats childrens eyes) when some colonials came across him and unloaded all the ammo they had on him. He vanished without a trace, and the celebration of "Earth Day" was born. However, some people to this day still have sightings of Johnny Appleseed.

And thats that. So what am I doing for Earth Day? Well I'm going to take my two little children to the park....Ok, they are not actually my children by birth.....Ok, they might just be two kids I kidnapped, but we will have a fun Earth Day regardless.

4.21.07

1 Day until....
EARTH DAY!

Now I present to you the "Official" Earth Day Song (dont hold me accountable, I didn't make this up):

"Oh Earth, you are a planet,
But they ruin you, God dammit!
You are the best fucking planet,
If you were a black women you would be named Janet,
If you were a women I would take you out for dinner,
Then we could adopt Asian children,
Maybe we'll kiss like the French,
and I'll "accidently" finger your butthole,
But you can also be a bad mommy,
like killing those dudes with the Tsunami,
But at least you don't shoot up schools,
cause that just ain't cool,
You feel more natural then pregnant girl porn,
And New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits,
but Chinese food makes me sick."

4.18.07

Lets talk about Queens, New York...It is the "Capital of Charisma". The most charismatic people come out of Queens...BELIEVE DAT! Here is a list of some:

-James Brown
-Charlie Chaplin
-Bob Costas
-Rodney Dangerfield
-LL Cool J
-50 Cent
-Madonna
-Paul Newman
-Babe Ruth
-Jerry Seinfeld
-Jerry Springer
-Donald Trump
-Christopher Walken

Thats like a list of the best people ever...It makes me proud to be from the same place as Christopher Walken...

4.13.07

Why are the cops bothering this guy? Okay, he might be drunk, be he admits that. But if they would just listen to him, its obvious he wasn't driving. A "motherfucker" jumped into his lap while he was driving, and he told her to jump off. Now is that really his fault?! Videos like this make me hate the police even more.

4.9.07

What do I have to say? Well I got a quick interesting little story for. You may not remember it, but think back to that movie "The Fugitive". You know, with Tommy Lee Jones and Harrison Ford? Well it is based off the TV show which is based off actual events. Anyway...I was talking to someone who knew someone who spent time in jail, and at one point the "Fugitive" was his cell mate. Now the story with the "fugitive" is that a doctor comes home to find his wife dying and sees a mysterious man fleeing. He then flees the cops. Well apparently, the "fugitive" confessed that he actually did kill his wife. You might not find this interesting but some fanboys might have a heart attack when they hear this.

Another story from this same guy...who worked as a government official. Quick tidbit....Bill Clinton was a big time cokehead. For a period of time he talked to police. One cop confided in him his deep feelings as he was undercover, very similar to DiCaprio in "The Departed". This guys undercover work led to his wife divorcing him and he also had the FBI investigating him for criminal charges. Apparently he was real close to snapping, just like DiCaprio, and this guy said Dicaprio had the acting down pat. I don't know, just some shit I found interesting...

4.08.07

Easter Sunday - The Day Jesus became a zombie!
Wanna know how to get chicks...just take this movie as an example. This is ACTUAL dialogue from the movie, "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon". This wasn't tampered with at all, and it may be one of the greatest movie lines ever. This is my Easter gift to you...(Click the pic, for you non-computer savvy people)

4.4.07

Spring Break & Boobies
You might have seen "Spring Break" on television. You probably think its all girls flashing boobies and making out...and dancing and drinking, and partying like Roman kings! Your fucking wrong bucko! Spring Break isn't nearly as glamorous as it is portrayed on television. Does waking up covered in your own urine, at 5 in the afternoon, not knowing what day it is glamorous? Is eating 3 day old Domino's pizza every day glamorous? Is it glamorous that I can't even get it up anymore?! Huh? No but seriously...this spring break hasn't been so great thus far. Thank god I got my New York Mets playing again. I really should have planned a vacation or something. Enuff of that tho....I used the word earlier, and I think its my favorite word right now....and that word is BOOBIES! This is such a great word...its so much classier then saying, "Look at the tits on her!" Now there are many different terms you can use to call a girls breasts...Boobies is still my favorite tho....Here are what breasts were called over the years.....



OTHER NAMES FOR BOOOOOOOOOOBIES!

1930s: boobies, fried eggs, knobs, knockers, the twins
1940s: balloons, boobs, maracas, pair
1950s: cans, jugs, lungs, melons, bazooms, TNT (two nifty tits), gazongas, goonas, snorbs, hooters, wallopies, nay nays, milk bar, shock absorbers
1960s: baby bumpers, bazookas, funsacks, rack, chabobs, chichibangas, credentials, nice pair of eyes, tremblers
1970s: honkers, mammaries, bazongas, chalubbies, dangleberries, glands, tit lottery (beauty contest)
1980s: tatas, flight deck, handles, balangas, bazoombas, num-nums, bongos, top set
1990s: fuck udders, puppies, rib cushions, shoulder boulders, chebs, chest flesh, ditties, fleshy bagpipes, nards, nugs, willets


LoL...ok there are a few good ones there... TNT (two nifty tits), nay nays, credentials....

4.1.07

Im Joining the Marines...

You know...I'm about to finish up this 2-year college and get my associates. But then what...I have no idea what I want to do afterwards. I just figured I would go to another college and get my bachelors...but thats not what my heart wants. I have this emptiness, like an icebox where my heart used to be. I want to actually make a difference. I want to help my society...to help this country I love! I want to shoot some Arabian cocksuckers in the name of freedom. You don't like Democracy mother fucker?! Well...now your dead! I want to shave my head and be told when to wake up and have a normal schedule. I'm joining the Marines. This is what I've decided. I want to die for this country....Oh by the way, April Fools.